To Heal or Harm

[Lotus_Luna]

Is it normal to feel extra sensitive with your SO like they can trigger your worst pain or bring forth great healing from past traumas? If the relationship is healthy you move forward emotionally and grow into a securely attached and happy person. If it’s toxic you do the opposite with emotionally devastating consequences.

 

Or maybe you end up somewhere in the middle?

[d0nnivain]

Although I can't imagine a betrayal more painful then if DH did something to hurt me I never think about him doing that. I trust him so much that I function as though that is a non-issue. Something is wrong if you are always expecting the pain.

Edited December 5, 2018 by d0nnivain

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it normal to feel extra sensitive with your SO like they can trigger your worst pain or bring forth great healing from past traumas?

 

There is no way to love someone without making yourself vulnerable.

 

So the trick becomes loving the right person, based on who they are rather than what we need or how we want to see them. For this reason, it's usually important to move beyond limerence and infatuation, fun as those can be, before we really commit to someone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotus_Luna]

There is no way to love someone without making yourself vulnerable.

 

So the trick becomes loving the right person, based on who they are rather than what we need or how we want to see them. For this reason, it's usually important to move beyond limerence and infatuation, fun as those can be, before we really commit to someone...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is totally valid and probably explains the feeling. I am not someone who is emotionally vulnerable in my casual relationships. Which is probably why I never loved my ex’s the way they loved me.

[d0nnivain]

I am not someone who is emotionally vulnerable in my casual relationships.

 

Therein lies the rub. If these relationships are only casual, by definition you are holding yourself back & they are not the type of interactions that allow for emotional vulnerability, nor should they be. When you give up the casual in favor of somebody you can build a real connection with, opening up won't come with as many risks.

[Lotus_Luna]

Therein lies the rub. If these relationships are only casual, by definition you are holding yourself back & they are not the type of interactions that allow for emotional vulnerability, nor should they be. When you give up the casual in favor of somebody you can build a real connection with, opening up won't come with as many risks.

 

The bigger issue was the fact I married someone with whom

i didn’t feel the need orndesire to be vulnerable with. It was so logical and planned out I eliminated the risk.

 

When things went Southbound inwas stunned my foolproof plan failed.

 

Let someone else who I am extra open and vulnerable with. In ways I’ve never experienced. It gets frustrating at times to feel so ‘open’... I want to build a wall there and regain control.

[carhill]

IMO, OP, such factors depend on one's intrinsic personality and attachment style. I get emotional vulnerability in intimate relationships; they are also, if healthy, supposed to be a safe space for that vulnerability to live and for the partners to get a break from the brave face and acts they put on out in the world. IMO, if a relationship or marriage isn't a safe space I'd rather be alone and that's part of why I am. In the decade or so since getting divorced I haven't met anyone who demonstrates that quality of creating and valuing a safe space for me. Sure met plenty who wanted safe spaces for themselves. Never ending stream of those. I wish them well.

[Lotus_Luna]

IMO, OP, such factors depend on one's intrinsic personality and attachment style. I get emotional vulnerability in intimate relationships; they are also, if healthy, supposed to be a safe space for that vulnerability to live and for the partners to get a break from the brave face and acts they put on out in the world. IMO, if a relationship or marriage isn't a safe space I'd rather be alone and that's part of why I am. In the decade or so since getting divorced I haven't met anyone who demonstrates that quality of creating and valuing a safe space for me. Sure met plenty who wanted safe spaces for themselves. Never ending stream of those. I wish them well.

 

What would be safe for you? I’m curious what makes a man feel secure and vulnerable

[alphamale]

I don't understand the question, please elaborate

[carhill]

What would be safe for you? I’m curious what makes a man feel secure and vulnerable

Alphamale would be a better sample to ask that question of, as he's a more typical man.

 

In my case I'd say it's more a feeling than any specific actions or words. When it fits, it flows. I have a strong sense that the person in front of me values my existence and love for them and they, through their body language, tone of voice and physical interaction, leave me feeling welcomed and loved. I've experienced it a couple times in non-romantic relationships but rarely to never in all the experiences of romantic/sexual nature to date.

 

I'd say the closest was the doctor I dated in Odessa for a good period of time 22-23 years ago. She could make someone feel valued and loved with a simple expression and touch. You could see it in her eyes. Not just with me, with anyone. Her actions backed it up, and consistently. Given our struggles with language it was those features of her personality which spoke for her. She was also older and a grandmother so had lots of life experience.

[Lotus_Luna]

Alphamale would be a better sample to ask that question of, as he's a more typical man.

 

In my case I'd say it's more a feeling than any specific actions or words. When it fits, it flows. I have a strong sense that the person in front of me values my existence and love for them and they, through their body language, tone of voice and physical interaction, leave me feeling welcomed and loved. I've experienced it a couple times in non-romantic relationships but rarely to never in all the experiences of romantic/sexual nature to date.

 

I'd say the closest was the doctor I dated in Odessa for a good period of time 22-23 years ago. She could make someone feel valued and loved with a simple expression and touch. You could see it in her eyes. Not just with me, with anyone. Her actions backed it up, and consistently. Given our struggles with language it was those features of her personality which spoke for her. She was also older and a grandmother so had lots of life experience.

 

 

Alpha males are predictable and dull.

 

I’d prefer your thoughts because I would be attracted to someone Moore your style. My emotional needs require deeper connection to feel interested. I want to be that safe place to my partner.

[carhill]

I meant alphamale the poster, not alpha males in general. I've been around him a long time and he epitomizes the majority of males in my social circle. Simple, direct, little ambiguity.

 

I can put it in the words of a old boyfriend of my exW's whom I came to love and respect..... he lamented that really all a man needs from his wife is 'helmet and a little understanding'. Helmet is a euphemism for oral sex but I believe he was talking about sex in general.

 

Nothing turns off a regular guy more than a wife who drones on about her feelings and doesn't engage her H in 'understanding' and some 'helmet'. Taking. Withdrawing from the love bank but without any deposits. Often people don't even realize what they're doing. I've seen that a lot. Then the guys shut down, the wife gets resentful and starts pushing his buttons to get a reaction, any reaction. Death spiral.

 

Anway, the guy in the story I believe was talking about his wife because, after she and his unborn son were killed tragically in an auto accident, the stories stopped, he hooked up with her old best friend, later married her and evidently things were more to his liking. I lost touch after exW and I divorced but they'd been married six or seven years at that point and things were great and had a new son. He was a simple guy, work hard, play hard, enjoy friends. Most guys are like that. Nothing complicated.

 

Watch for alphamale's one liners. That's simplicity. Directness.

 

Tip: While most wives know this, use girlfriends for an emotional sounding board, especially for repetitive stuff not related to husband that will never be resolved. Husbands don't like that stuff. It wears on them. Most of them anyway; practically all I know. Some will state that, some don't want to upset the applecart. No doubt they're feeling it though. Distance grows. Think about it, how interested are you when your H uses you for an emotional sounding board? Talking at you, not with you, no give and take, just venting. I've found, though many iterations, that a woman has little to no interest in a man's challenges. You're a man. Deal with it. Cry at the funeral. Suck it up. Get to work. Mama wants new shoes

[Lotus_Luna]

I meant alphamale the poster, not alpha males in general. I've been around him a long time and he epitomizes the majority of males in my social circle. Simple, direct, little ambiguity.

 

I can put it in the words of a old boyfriend of my exW's whom I came to love and respect..... he lamented that really all a man needs from his wife is 'helmet and a little understanding'. Helmet is a euphemism for oral sex but I believe he was talking about sex in general.

 

Nothing turns off a regular guy more than a wife who drones on about her feelings and doesn't engage her H in 'understanding' and some 'helmet'. Taking. Withdrawing from the love bank but without any deposits. Often people don't even realize what they're doing. I've seen that a lot. Then the guys shut down, the wife gets resentful and starts pushing his buttons to get a reaction, any reaction. Death spiral.

 

Anway, the guy in the story I believe was talking about his wife because, after she and his unborn son were killed tragically in an auto accident, the stories stopped, he hooked up with her old best friend, later married her and evidently things were more to his liking. I lost touch after exW and I divorced but they'd been married six or seven years at that point and things were great and had a new son. He was a simple guy, work hard, play hard, enjoy friends. Most guys are like that. Nothing complicated.

 

Watch for alphamale's one liners. That's simplicity. Directness.

 

Tip: While most wives know this, use girlfriends for an emotional sounding board, especially for repetitive stuff not related to husband that will never be resolved. Husbands don't like that stuff. It wears on them. Most of them anyway; practically all I know. Some will state that, some don't want to upset the applecart. No doubt they're feeling it though. Distance grows. Think about it, how interested are you when your H uses you for an emotional sounding board? Talking at you, not with you, no give and take, just venting. I've found, though many iterations, that a woman has little to no interest in a man's challenges. You're a man. Deal with it. Cry at the funeral. Suck it up. Get to work. Mama wants new shoes

 

Awesome explanation.

 

I want to be sure I’m giving back. After being with someone with BPD I worry I don’t effectively feed the bank. Because he never felt ‘heard or loved’..

 

I try to express my gratefulness is action and word. I recognize his ability to meet challenges, balance his responsibilities and when he helps me. I am never thankless.

 

But when you’re dealing with a quiet introvert who FEELS strongly but expresses rarely it can be difficult to gauge. I assume if he’s back, he’s satisfied.

[preraph]

The people you love the most are definitely the ones who have the power to hurt you the most and betray you the most.

[alphamale]

The people you love the most are definitely the ones who have the power to hurt you the most and betray you the most.

 

that is so true preraph

[carhill]

IME, while they surely had/have the *potential* in reality I've experienced none of that. Lesser loves, sure. Then again, they were my parents and are a couple close male friends I've had for decades. Women, nah, not even close. Early brutality kinda set the tone. Never really trusted them completely. Still don't. There's always an angle. A mission. An objective. TFY mentioned one somewhere else. They need something fixed. I remember when my wife would whore me out to her friends and then complain I didn't make enough money. Yup