a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 hey everyone, I just wanted to probe your guys' minds about a particular issue of mine I am having with my current boyfriend... so the issue goes like this: my boyfriend has this friend of his that prior to our relationship he would receive a fair amount of nudes from (that he would accept happily and well… ya know), and would basically drool and obsess every waking minute over his existence in her life. How recent were those nudes sent compared to when were a thing you may wonder? March of that year and we started dating September of that year… How exactly did she basically profess her obsession/love for him you may wonder? Her social media accounts would never fall short of calling him “bestie/best friend” with heart emojis at the very least and sometimes the explicit phrase, “I love you” at times… all of these posts which he acknowledged and knew full well about… He initially told me that he received nudes from her but that was all I initially heard of her. Later on after I did some of my own digging, I saw that it was far more than just nudes that were exchanged and that they would talk endlessly, sometimes quite late till the time he’d go to sleep, blah, blah, blah and that is when I found the numerous posts of him on her Facebook. Upon asking him about her, he would state that they weren’t much of anything (and acted like their friendship didn’t mean much to him), yet when I confronted him about the many posts she tagged him in, he acted shocked (even though he liked just about every one that mentioned him). This was my red flag and when I became uncomfortable about them ever hanging out… (like he pretended to be unaware of the posts, even though he knew about them) I expressed this concern of mine to his, and he felt that there was no worry with their friendship (that he claimed wasn’t even that much) and that I didn’t have a thing to worry with. My dilemma is this, whilst she may not be sending him nudes anymore since the relationship began and he told her not to send such content, I am still nonetheless uncomfortable at the idea of them hanging out when I consider the idea that he got off to photos of her… Thoughts? Should I be uncomfortable? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 I wouldn't be thrilled with them hanging out without me. If they bump into each other in public & chat, OK, it was random but for them to plan to get together without you. . . I'd be unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 FWB maybe? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 FWB maybe? sorry, what? Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Yes you may feel uncomfortable. FWB = Friends with Benefits and that could be what's happening here. He's been dishonest with you about their communications, it's surely possible they're doing more than he's letting you know about. Question is what if anything are you going to do about it? You can ultimatum him. "It's her or me" but go search on why ultimatums don't work and you'll see it's not going to solve the problem. You could ask him to stop spending time with him but he'll most likely say "oh it's no big deal get over it" or something like that so it looks like you're stuck as long as you're willing to be with a guy who has a friend who is a hottie who sends him nude pix and has long late night chats and is alone with him for periods of time. If it was me it would be a dealbreaker for sure. At least I'd like to think I'd never allow myself to be in such a situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 The proper thing to do is if you really are just friends, which these two are not because at least one of them is crushing, then you don't see the opposite sex friend without having your girlfriend with you. Let's just see how he'd react if the same thing were happening to you. How long would he put up with this same "just friends" relationship with a guy who used to send you nudes and puts hearts all over social media and is clearly after you? And then you go see him alone? Pose that question to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Pose that question to him. He'd say he's ok with it. What else could he say? "Oh yeah well now that you put it that way I suddenly realize it's wrong and I won't see her again or communicate with her on social media". It aint never gonna happen. The only solution is to leave him and tell him you don't share. If he ultimately decides on his own that your relationship is worth more than the one with his hottie friend and comes knocking you can decide if you want to give him another chance to make things right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 I wouldn't be thrilled with them hanging out without me. If they bump into each other in public & chat, OK, it was random but for them to plan to get together without you. . . I'd be unhappy. of course, if it is a 110% unplanned public encounter, so be it, that can happen to anyone anywhere... if they initially plane a one-on-one activity, that is where I drew my line and was like hell no, he claims I am being "too controlling" of their "friendship" (if you can call it that) he states that I worry too much and should trust him, thing is, she doesn't deserve his attention when taking into account their past and especially, her actions towards him. Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 So by "that year" you got together, was it last year? Year before? Has this girl been putting up any posts about your BF since you two got together? If the relationship is purely platonic, he would regard her as a friend who you would be introduced to as a part of his life. The fact that he's hiding what the friendship was like suggests one of two things: he's worried about what you'd think about the situation now, or there are still feelings on either side. If anything, she still has feelings for him - but he doesn't for her (otherwise why would he date you and not her?). Either he doesn't realise that or he's trying to hide it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Or he could totally be seeing both of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 My dilemma is this, whilst she may not be sending him nudes anymore since the relationship began and he told her not to send such content, I am still nonetheless uncomfortable at the idea of them hanging out when I consider the idea that he got off to photos of her… Would it be any different if he slept with her as opposed to "liking" her photos? Basically, she's an ex, most of us have them. And so the same rules apply as any other former partner - healthy boundaries, open communication and no lies or omissions. If he's doing the above, your concerns are unfounded... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 He'd say he's ok with it. What else could he say? "Oh yeah well now that you put it that way I suddenly realize it's wrong and I won't see her again or communicate with her on social media". Yes exactly. This question should always be a thought experiment, never actually asked to the partner! They will always say "oh I would be fine with it" because that answer is what they want you to say to them. And how can you respond to such an answer? It totally undercuts your feelings and has no valid response. Asking this question is just asking to be put into a corner. You should consider what they would do if the situation reversed, but never actually ask them, because you won't get an honest answer. he states that I worry too much and should trust him He shouldn't have to tell you to trust him. If he were acting in a trustworthy manner then your trust would come naturally. If he acts untrustworthy then it's no surprise you don't trust him, is it? Trust is earned, not given freely. And he isn't earning your trust one bit. Quite the opposite in fact. His words and his actions are showing you that he is not trustworthy. if they initially plane a one-on-one activity, that is where I drew my line So you drew your line and he walked over it. Now what are you going to do about it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 Yes you may feel uncomfortable. FWB = Friends with Benefits and that could be what's happening here. He's been dishonest with you about their communications, it's surely possible they're doing more than he's letting you know about. Question is what if anything are you going to do about it? You can ultimatum him. "It's her or me" but go search on why ultimatums don't work and you'll see it's not going to solve the problem. You could ask him to stop spending time with him but he'll most likely say "oh it's no big deal get over it" or something like that so it looks like you're stuck as long as you're willing to be with a guy who has a friend who is a hottie who sends him nude pix and has long late night chats and is alone with him for periods of time. If it was me it would be a dealbreaker for sure. At least I'd like to think I'd never allow myself to be in such a situation. Ah okay, I know exactly what you're talking about and now that you say it.... I do wonder if what they had/have going was borderline that.... they never had actual sex, she would just send him nudes over Snapchat... he never sent dick pics back or anything like that, but he surely enjoyed them and all her attention she endlessly poured into him (kinda a joke on her and shows she has absolutely no respect, because at the end of it all, he wouldn't even wanna date her because she's a hoe) that I know of, they have limited talking only because she has stopped hitting him up, laughing my ass off... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Ah okay, I know exactly what you're talking about and now that you say it.... I do wonder if what they had/have going was borderline that.... they never had actual sex, she would just send him nudes over Snapchat... he never sent dick pics back or anything like that, but he surely enjoyed them and all her attention she endlessly poured into him (kinda a joke on her and shows she has absolutely no respect, because at the end of it all, he wouldn't even wanna date her because she's a hoe) . I know you want to take his side against the "hoe", but be careful, you do not KNOW what is/was going on between them. Of course you feel uncomfortable as he is hanging out one on one with her. You are fighting it but basically it is a deal-breaker for you, so listen to your screaming gut and end it before you go crazy or you find them in bed together... NEVER get involved with people who have unfinished business with exes... you will always get hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 The proper thing to do is if you really are just friends, which these two are not because at least one of them is crushing, then you don't see the opposite sex friend without having your girlfriend with you. Let's just see how he'd react if the same thing were happening to you. How long would he put up with this same "just friends" relationship with a guy who used to send you nudes and puts hearts all over social media and is clearly after you? And then you go see him alone? Pose that question to him. I feel that same way also, if it is a truly platonic relationship where neither person ever had feelings for the other person or went as far as to send nudes to them, them hanging out as literal friends it totally fine by me... as you put it yourself though, what they are is not only "friends" but they took it a step further, whether he wants to acknowledge that fact or not.... if I were to pull the same kinda bs on him, I know he'd expect me to drop a guy who used to send me dick pics immediately and cut contact with the guy for the respect of the relationship, as well as I would expect.... the issue is this, when I have posed the question to him, he just resorts to the whole, "we're just friends and I never liked her, so it's chill" runaround... Link to post Share on other sites
Author a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 He'd say he's ok with it. What else could he say? "Oh yeah well now that you put it that way I suddenly realize it's wrong and I won't see her again or communicate with her on social media". It aint never gonna happen. The only solution is to leave him and tell him you don't share. If he ultimately decides on his own that your relationship is worth more than the one with his hottie friend and comes knocking you can decide if you want to give him another chance to make things right. you're obviously right, a guy with this kind of mindset isn't going to suddenly have a moment of realization just by my question, acknowledge his wrong doings, and rectify the issue by doing what's truly right... for one, him denying what they actually had is a bad start... you're right... I know I should leave him since he's investing more in a women that he considered, "too fat and a hoe to ever wanna date", than how I feel about something that he himself wouldn't be okay with at all... Link to post Share on other sites
Author a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 So by "that year" you got together, was it last year? Year before? Has this girl been putting up any posts about your BF since you two got together? If the relationship is purely platonic, he would regard her as a friend who you would be introduced to as a part of his life. The fact that he's hiding what the friendship was like suggests one of two things: he's worried about what you'd think about the situation now, or there are still feelings on either side. If anything, she still has feelings for him - but he doesn't for her (otherwise why would he date you and not her?). Either he doesn't realise that or he's trying to hide it. we started dating last year, September... wellllll.... she hasn't directly tagged him like an absolute fool anymore on her Facebook or Instagram, but she has posted a grouping of photos in a hoodie she always stole from him which he consequently gave to her this year January.... didn't tag or indicate it was his hoodie she got, but she sure as hell was proud to post the selfies of her in it.... I believe that wholeheartedly... she probably still longs to have him but knows she can't, lol.... he states he doesn't want to date a fat hoe, which she is, so that's why he didn't date her.... I've confronted him on the fact that she's probably still obsessed with him, and he just denies those claims. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 Would it be any different if he slept with her as opposed to "liking" her photos? Basically, she's an ex, most of us have them. And so the same rules apply as any other former partner - healthy boundaries, open communication and no lies or omissions. If he's doing the above, your concerns are unfounded... Mr. Lucky that's the thing, he's always beating around the bush about what they had, then when I ask him about all the Facebook posts she made of him, he acts shocked even though he interacted with every single one.... that was before us, since then, he only once snuck to her house to give her a hoodie of his that she drooled (not literally) over and only told me after the fact... Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 I feel that same way also, if it is a truly platonic relationship where neither person ever had feelings for the other person or went as far as to send nudes to them, them hanging out as literal friends it totally fine by me... as you put it yourself though, what they are is not only "friends" but they took it a step further, whether he wants to acknowledge that fact or not.... if I were to pull the same kinda bs on him, I know he'd expect me to drop a guy who used to send me dick pics immediately and cut contact with the guy for the respect of the relationship, as well as I would expect.... the issue is this, when I have posed the question to him, he just resorts to the whole, "we're just friends and I never liked her, so it's chill" runaround... Well, if he never liked her, then he won't mind dumping her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 that's the thing, he's always beating around the bush about what they had, then when I ask him about all the Facebook posts she made of him, he acts shocked even though he interacted with every single one.... Again, what does it matter? Their relationship was sexual in nature so the same guidelines apply as if they were engaged to be married. that was before us, since then, he only once snuck to her house to give her a hoodie of his that she drooled (not literally) over and only told me after the fact... That would be strike one... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 Well, if he never liked her, then he won't mind dumping her. honestly, that is an argument I have posed to him multiple times, if she was literally your side hoe because all you wanted was attention, why are you struggling oh so much to drop her...? he just says that I can't control who his friends are because that is toxic, quite ironic if you ask me, but I dunno. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Him calling you toxic & controlling is a problem. If he can't see why you would be upset that he's hanging out with somebody he's seen naked, he's not a very caring BF. If he so much had offered to dial it back or did anything to reassure you, I might suggest that you give him a chance but because he jumped all the way to this is solely your problem because you need to trust him more, tells me he may be untrustworthy because he is not being receptive to how you feel or working with you to come to a compromise. Let her have him. Walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 Yes exactly. This question should always be a thought experiment, never actually asked to the partner! They will always say "oh I would be fine with it" because that answer is what they want you to say to them. And how can you respond to such an answer? It totally undercuts your feelings and has no valid response. Asking this question is just asking to be put into a corner. You should consider what they would do if the situation reversed, but never actually ask them, because you won't get an honest answer. He shouldn't have to tell you to trust him. If he were acting in a trustworthy manner then your trust would come naturally. If he acts untrustworthy then it's no surprise you don't trust him, is it? Trust is earned, not given freely. And he isn't earning your trust one bit. Quite the opposite in fact. His words and his actions are showing you that he is not trustworthy. So you drew your line and he walked over it. Now what are you going to do about it? I've already asked him questions similar to that and he always then changes the rules so that it looks like "since I'm okay with it, you're the one with the issue" kinda bs runaround, so I completely agree that posing such a question does no good. Your partner, if sketchy and unsympathetic, of course they will suddenly become okay to something they know deep down they really aren't. His biggest argument is that he's not dating her because he never saw her as girlfriend material because she too fat and a hoe, so I should quite worrying about their interactions. He also indicates that since we started dating, neither of them have stepped that out of line, I'm overreacting. Unfortunately with this being a long distance relationship, I have to see if he really does keep his distance from her, since after January of this year, they haven't seen each once... that I know of I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a.girl.who.loves.dog Posted December 5, 2018 Author Share Posted December 5, 2018 Again, what does it matter? Their relationship was sexual in nature so the same guidelines apply as if they were engaged to be married. That would be strike one... Mr. Lucky whenever I bring up the fact that he totally snuck to her house behind my back, he always downplays it, usually a sign that he knows it was super ****ed up of him... he hasn't since then done any stupid move like that... so I don't know now. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 Unfortunately with this being a long distance relationship, I have to see if he really does keep his distance from her, since after January of this year, they haven't seen each once... that I know of I think. If she's there & you are not, a good BF would be doing more to take your concerns to heart & make you feel more secure. Him twisting this around on you, is not a good sign. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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