Would you have left if affair partner wanted relationship?

[Lotus_Luna]

Curious to see general consensus of those who are in a LTR or Married themselves.

 

If your AP wanted to legitimize your relationship, would you have left?

[DKT3]

Curious to see general consensus of those who are in a LTR or Married themselves.

 

If your AP wanted to legitimize your relationship, would you have left?

 

My wife had a 20 or so month affair. Her AP wanted very much to have a real relationship with her, and in his words "be there for my kids". I think in her case, like most WW, she quickly identified him as not relationship worthy yet still was compelled to be involved with him. Women are great at recognizing shortcomings or problems. They are also great at justifying or ignoring them....for a while anyway

[Ronni_W]

If your AP wanted to legitimize your relationship, would you have left?

I don't think that there's a 'one-size-fits-all' answer or solution to such a situation.

There are too many factors -- emotional, mental, financial, spiritual, sexual, etc. -- that would need to be properly considered, and each and collectively would be unique to the people involved.

Women are great at recognizing shortcomings or problems. They are also great at justifying or ignoring them....for a while anyway

Both genders are equally adept at self-deception and at denying personal shortcomings and how those contribute to the negative dynamics in their own personal relationships;

and (too) many people of both genders are yet lacking best-practice conflict resolution and constructive communication skills.

[DKT3]

I don't think that there's a 'one-size-fits-all' answer or solution to such a situation.

There are too many factors -- emotional, mental, financial, spiritual, sexual, etc. -- that would need to be properly considered, and each and collectively would be unique to the people involved.

 

Both genders are equally adept at self-deception and at denying personal shortcomings and how those contribute to the negative dynamics in their own personal relationships;

and (too) many people of both genders are yet lacking best-practice conflict resolution and constructive communication skills.

 

In a general sense, yes. In terms of affairs not so much. WW will tend to continue with affairs that aren't working for them, they recognize why it's not working but continue nonetheless. MM get out of affairs that are no longer working for them. Many times in cowardly ways, but still out.

[Ronni_W]

In a general sense, yes. In terms of affairs not so much. WW will tend to continue with affairs that aren't working for them, they recognize why it's not working but continue nonetheless.

I hear you saying that women will tend to work harder to try to make their primary relationship work -- even at the expense of their immediate happiness and sense of fulfillment -

- so they will continue with an affair that isn't working for them rather than short-change themselves of even that minimal/mediocre level of support and/or comfort. Quite possible.

 

If your AP wanted to legitimize your relationship, would you have left?

Given DKT3's insight, I guess it depends on if you still want to make your marriage work, or if you're ready to quit it for good.

[carhill]

I left because the marriage was unhealthy and I've stayed gone from women since. The whole smash opened my eyes to a lot of things and MC clarified it. At the beginning though, to answer your question, the AP would have factored strongly into leaving. At the end, not at all.

[basil67]

Curious to see general consensus of those who are in a LTR or Married themselves.

 

If your AP wanted to legitimize your relationship, would you have left?

 

I had affairs in my previous marriage. I would never have left the ex for an AP...and yes, one of them would have had me in a shot. They were there because I was broken, not because I really cared about them. When I did leave the marriage, it was because I wanted to leave and I think the reason I was able to go was because there wasn't an affair partner at that time. I left and was single.

[DKT3]

I hear you saying that women will tend to work harder to try to make their primary relationship work -- even at the expense of their immediate happiness and sense of fulfillment -

- so they will continue with an affair that isn't working for them rather than short-change themselves of even that minimal/mediocre level of support and/or comfort. Quite possible.

 

 

Given DKT3's insight, I guess it depends on if you still want to make your marriage work, or if you're ready to quit it for good.

 

Not necessarily what I'm saying....the primary relationship is based on past experiences and real trials and tribulations, while affairs tend to be fantasy based or on what could be. Women tend to work harder on what could be vs what is. I do believe that when there isnt a secondary man involved, yes the woman tends to work harder on a bad or failing primary relationship.

 

I believe most women in affairs consider leaving their marriage, I mean isnt the marriage that caused them to cheat in the first place? (Of course men cant used that one). In the end they rarely do, and those that do regret having done so and a very high percentage. On the flip side a much smaller percentage of men consider leaving for an affair partner, partly because they rarely replace their wives with their ap. However, very few that do leave regret having done so.

 

I guess in short men tend to be far more analytical about marriage and affairs while women tend to lean more towards dreams and fantasies which one they grab they regret.

[carhill]

Perhaps outlier but most MW's I've been involved with are/have been very pragmatic. They're fine with some fun or getting the attention they feel they aren't getting at home but recognize the value of their lifestyle and social status and aren't going to queer that up for something as nebulous as love. The oldest example, the MW who later became an OW decades later, was a classic example. She was as steely eyed pragmatic in the 2000s as in the 80s, just older and sharper at it.

 

IME, it's the serial MW's who are the most proficient and also the least likely to leave for an affair partner unless he's clearly a BBD.

[ABernie]

AP and I are both in process of leaving for each other. It is lengthier than I thought (on both our sides) and I have no crystal ball to say that it will work, but we both had exit affairs, we wanted to leave before meeting each other.

[goldengirl11]

Perhaps outlier but most MW's I've been involved with are/have been very pragmatic. They're fine with some fun or getting the attention they feel they aren't getting at home but recognize the value of their lifestyle and social status and aren't going to queer that up for something as nebulous as love. The oldest example, the MW who later became an OW decades later, was a classic example. She was as steely eyed pragmatic in the 2000s as in the 80s, just older and sharper at it.

 

IME, it's the serial MW's who are the most proficient and also the least likely to leave for an affair partner unless he's clearly a BBD.

 

Sorry, what's a BBD?

[Lotus_Luna]

Sorry, what's a BBD?

 

BBD is bigger better deal

[carhill]

Yes, sorry for the shorthand. I'll check the shorthand FAQ and add that. In the general sense a BBD is something which improves the persons social or monetary status and how that impacts on 'love'. Each person decides the parameters of that for themselves. It underscores how brutal and discriminatory mating can be and often is. Nature's design

[Lotus_Luna]

Yes, sorry for the shorthand. I'll check the shorthand FAQ and add that. In the general sense a BBD is something which improves the persons social or monetary status and how that impacts on 'love'. Each person decides the parameters of that for themselves. It underscores how brutal and discriminatory mating can be and often is. Nature's design

 

 

Yeah it’s hard getting over the BBD...

[DKT3]

Yeah it’s hard getting over the BBD...

 

If its actually that, more often it's a worse situation than the one your in. Those things get ignored, until they can't be.

[Lotus_Luna]

If its actually that, more often it's a worse situation than the one your in. Those things get ignored, until they can't be.

 

Explain, I don’t want to make assumptions about what you’re suggesting.

[carhill]

Women will affair down the socio-economic ladder for attention/validation but the real exit affairs happen with a higher value male than the one they're married to. IMO, that's smart. If taking on the social specter of an affair, definitely improve one's station in life. It's simply a furtherance of the normal dating behaviors of shooting for the best possible deal one can secure. That's why men, on some level, seek to compete with and dominate other men to secure the BBD females, or at least become a BBD option for the high value females to consider. Sure, we wrap it all up in flowery language and wordsmithing but at it's core it's just human nature. We're all greedy and selfish at some level. Survival and thriving. Basic human nature.

 

Applying it to the topic, a partner who wants a relationship/partnership/marriage is more valuable, all else being equal on the BBD scale, to most than one who simply wants some transient fun. People like security and constancy and a future vision they feel they can count on. They like a bar where everyone knows their name. Part of being human.

[Lotus_Luna]

Women will affair down the socio-economic ladder for attention/validation but the real exit affairs happen with a higher value male than the one they're married to. IMO, that's smart. If taking on the social specter of an affair, definitely improve one's station in life. It's simply a furtherance of the normal dating behaviors of shooting for the best possible deal one can secure. That's why men, on some level, seek to compete with and dominate other men to secure the BBD females, or at least become a BBD option for the high value females to consider. Sure, we wrap it all up in flowery language and wordsmithing but at it's core it's just human nature. We're all greedy and selfish at some level. Survival and thriving. Basic human nature.

 

Applying it to the topic, a partner who wants a relationship/partnership/marriage is more valuable, all else being equal on the BBD scale, to most than one who simply wants some transient fun. People like security and constancy and a future vision they feel they can count on. They like a bar where everyone knows their name. Part of being human.

 

 

To quote my friend ‘I’m glad I didn’t leave, he didn’t make that much money.’

 

But women are different. I didn’t care about income, having my emotional, intellectual, sexual and recreational needs met were more important. I decided that i wouldn’t rely on a man to provide for me again. And that is still my goal. I won’t be a burden on anyone.

 

Ex AP was smarter, funnier, taller, better looking, more sociable, and better eqipy to handle me then my husband.... not to mention his dick was huge.

 

His presence emasculated my husband prior to the affair, afterwards it shattered his fragile ego.

 

That may have been intentional on my part after enduring years of being told no one would want me.

[YoungCandy]

Yeah it’s hard getting over the BBD...

 

Now you tell me size doesn't matter... :laugh:

[YoungCandy]

Joking aside, my reaction on the topic is a bit complicated. I had an AP and I didn't want to leave marriage for her. After my wife's discovery of my affair with AP, we continued for another year in secret anyway but I still didn't want to leave wife for her. Three years later today, the affair ended long ago and I find myself in a broken marriage that's unable to mend. Now I am thinking of leaving for good, even there is no AP for me to go after.

[Lotus_Luna]

Joking aside, my reaction on the topic is a bit complicated. I had an AP and I didn't want to leave marriage for her. After my wife's discovery of my affair with AP, we continued for another year in secret anyway but I still didn't want to leave wife for her. Three years later today, the affair ended long ago and I find myself in a broken marriage that's unable to mend. Now I am thinking of leaving for good, even there is no AP for me to go after.

 

Hahahahahaha

 

So in my case ex AP didn’t want to leave. We didn’t elaborate on the conversation or have a direct discussion about it. It’s not my business to pry but he felt a duty to his family.

 

Frankly I don’t want him to leave for me anyways.

 

You have to come to terms on your own when it’s time. As you’re doing right now.

 

He and his wife aren’t working on things, it’s just best financially and for the kids. And if that works for a year, 5 or 20 is his business.

[DKT3]

To quote my friend ‘I’m glad I didn’t leave, he didn’t make that much money.’

 

But women are different. I didn’t care about income, having my emotional, intellectual, sexual and recreational needs met were more important. I decided that i wouldn’t rely on a man to provide for me again. And that is still my goal. I won’t be a burden on anyone.

 

Ex AP was smarter, funnier, taller, better looking, more sociable, and better eqipy to handle me then my husband.... not to mention his dick was huge.

 

His presence emasculated my husband prior to the affair, afterwards it shattered his fragile ego.

 

That may have been intentional on my part after enduring years of being told no one would want me.

You have to understand how contradictory your posting is. There is no way a man can feel what you describe here and be ok with it. I feel you may not have an honest grasp of what your husband is feeling.

 

Again, none of this makes sense, something is missing or not being said.

 

Ps if ap is so great why are you still married to a man you have no respect for and dont even seem to like even a little.

[Lotus_Luna]

You have to understand how contradictory your posting is. There is no way a man can feel what you describe here and be ok with it. I feel you may not have an honest grasp of what your husband is feeling.

 

Again, none of this makes sense, something is missing or not being said.

 

Ps if ap is so great why are you still married to a man you have no respect for and dont even seem to like even a little.

 

I’m hoping to leave within the next year or so. I’ve got an exit strategy in place and I’m getting things in order.

 

My husband has a lot of issues.... his response to those feelings was to control and corner me into a situation where I COULDNT leave. He is totally okay with me being with him because I have no other options. He has some serious issues that allow him to feel secure with that toxic dynamic. And it’s part of why we are in the place we are.... he threatened me into submission for YEARS

[DKT3]

I’m hoping to leave within the next year or so. I’ve got an exit strategy in place and I’m getting things in order.

 

My husband has a lot of issues.... his response to those feelings was to control and corner me into a situation where I COULDNT leave. He is totally okay with me being with him because I have no other options. He has some serious issues that allow him to feel secure with that toxic dynamic. And it’s part of why we are in the place we are.... he threatened me into submission for YEARS

 

So do you take responsibility for any of your actions? Or is everything his fault?

[Lotus_Luna]

So do you take responsibility for any of your actions? Or is everything his fault?

 

There never is a justified reason to engage in affair.

 

I should have reached out for help and support and direction on how to handle the abuse in our marriage. I should have given him firm boundaries about what was and wasn’t appropriate behavior towards myself and our children. I should have left, or had him leave the home years earlier so he would be serious about self-help and making changes in his behavior. I should have continued to stay away from the man that I found so attractive like I did initially for years.

 

I take full responsibility of my actions. I just don’t live in shame.