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Can a man not realise he is in love? And what is love?

wolfe

By wolfe,
in General Relationship Discussion

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wolfe

wolfe

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My question stems from a novel I am writing and I want to know if it's realistic please.

 

The hero falls in love with the heroine but he’s in denial even to himself or simply not self-aware. He can explain his feelings to himself as lust, friendship, and feeling protective of someone in his care – though he’s not one to sit an analyse his feelings anyway.

 

They are in a friends-with-benefits type relationship and neither wants marriage, commitment or anything conventional. They agree that it's just sex and neither will fall in love with the other - except they do, and it's a long time before he can admit to himself that he truly loves her.

 

But I have come to doubt the believability of him being in such denial or so unaware of the symptoms of love. Falling in love is such a powerful feeling how could you not know it?

 

I actually know a man who, when asked if he loves the woman he is with, said he doesn't know what love is anymore. My reaction was that if he was in love he'd know it wouldn't he?

 

If you're in lust with someone who you deeply care about and admire, does that mean you are in love or not necessarily?

 

So is the premise for my story nonsense or do you think a man (or woman) could be deeply in love without identifying it as such, even to himself?

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PRW

PRW

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The confusion comes from not knowing what love is in the first place. When people think that is love is an emotion,...this is what happens.

 

Emotions are just a reaction to stimuli. If the stimulus changes then the emotion associated with it changes.

 

Love is a choice to commit, devote, and to be self-sacrificing to the object of the love. The longest definition of love is given in the Christian Bible and it is also stated as a command to "do" it. If you are commanded to do it,...then it is a choice to do it and not an emotion,...emotions are just a reaction that follows it.

 

Much of society may disagree with that explanation, but what does society know? Society may very well be more screwed up now than it has ever been in history.

 

So your novel sound fine. The reason the "hero" would be confused is because he just doesn't understand what love is in the first place, so he doesn't acknowledge it when he is looking right at it.

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rightondude

rightondude

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The confusion comes from not knowing what love is in the first place. When people think that is love is an emotion,...this is what happens.

 

Emotions are just a reaction to stimuli. If the stimulus changes then the emotion associated with it changes.

 

Love is a choice to commit, devote, and to be self-sacrificing to the object of the love. The longest definition of love is given in the Christian Bible and it is also stated as a command to "do" it. If you are commanded to do it,...then it is a choice to do it and not an emotion,...emotions are just a reaction that follows it.

 

Much of society may disagree with that explanation, but what does society know? Society may very well be more screwed up now than it has ever been in history.

 

So your novel sound fine. The reason the "hero" would be confused is because he just doesn't understand what love is in the first place, so he doesn't acknowledge it when he is looking right at it.

 

Just want to say this is an excellent response and great way to put it.

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smackie9

smackie9

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IMO if a man can't figure out if he is in love of not, he's not with the right person. He could be looking at a good thing but not necessarily can he call it love.

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Ronni_W

Ronni_W

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But I have come to doubt the believability of him being in such denial or so unaware of the symptoms of love. Falling in love is such a powerful feeling how could you not know it?

For your novel, yes, such deep self-deception is indeed very possible. (People are doing it all the time, just not necessarily about 'love'...because they have already deceived and

convinced themselves that they actually know what 'real love' looks and feels, and smells, sounds and tastes, like.)

 

For your story's further development and construction, it might be an idea to examine your own preconceived ideas/programming, that "love is such a powerful feeling, how could" one not recognize it.

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

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If you're in lust with someone who you deeply care about and admire, does that mean you are in love or not necessarily?

 

So is the premise for my story nonsense or do you think a man (or woman) could be deeply in love without identifying it as such, even to himself?

 

Why is the "love" label important? It sounds like your hero is in "lust/care/admire" with her, a pretty nice place to be...

 

Mr. Lucky

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wolfe

wolfe

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The confusion comes from not knowing what love is in the first place. When people think that is love is an emotion,...this is what happens.

 

Emotions are just a reaction to stimuli. If the stimulus changes then the emotion associated with it changes.

 

Love is a choice to commit, devote, and to be self-sacrificing to the object of the love. The longest definition of love is given in the Christian Bible and it is also stated as a command to "do" it. If you are commanded to do it,...then it is a choice to do it and not an emotion,...emotions are just a reaction that follows it.

 

Much of society may disagree with that explanation, but what does society know? Society may very well be more screwed up now than it has ever been in history.

 

So your novel sound fine. The reason the "hero" would be confused is because he just doesn't understand what love is in the first place, so he doesn't acknowledge it when he is looking right at it.

 

Thanks. I appreciate the support of my story idea - yet I feel we are talking about different kinds of love. The kind I'm talking/asking about is the romantic falling in love. I don't think there's much choice in that, otherwise we'd choose to fall in love with the person who is good for us, or the person who is in love with us. If I had a choice I would not be in love with the man I am in love with.

But as you say, perhaps my hero has his own definition that doesn't match what he is feeling.

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LuckyM

LuckyM

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Only someone unreflective or missing sensitive intuition would not know that he or she is in love. But it is possible if your character is young and or very naïve. You need to show that in your novel. (I have written 2 novels, one published.) Show this with dialogue and action.

 

 

You do not need to call it love.

 

 

Sometimes love finds us, we don't find it. And we cannot control how deep that love will be.

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gaius

gaius

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Romantic love, I guess for me it would be the total desire of my mind, body and soul to be intimate on every level with that person. To look into each other's eyes and share our true thoughts and feelings, to want to be inside only her. To have no conflict or doubt about it whatsoever.

 

And yes, I knew I loved her before I even met her in person. And not a day has gone by since that I haven't loved her. It's not really that hard to figure out.

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