Jump to content

How Do I Overcome My Trust Issues?


Recommended Posts

I have a wonderful new girlfriend in my life and she's done absolutely nothing to make me distrust her. She even does little things that should automatically kill my irrational fears. (For example, I was at her house the other day and saw that she has every date we've ever been on marked. She's introduced me to her family and constantly talks about me with her coworkers. She posts photos of us together on Facebook. Etc., etc.)

 

However, my previous relationship ended in betrayal on so many levels. My ex-girlfriend cheated on me and used me in multiple ways. I suppose I have emotional baggage from my ex's betrayal, so how do I deal with it in my new relationship?

 

Do I talk about it with my new girlfriend?

 

We'll be spending all day together tomorrow, so I wonder if it's a good idea to bring this up.

Link to post
Share on other sites

One way to do it is to journal your fears here, so that you have people reassuring you. That's a way to gradually work on those insecurities. You can have a third party judging whether or not certain fears are warranted.

 

 

If you want to bring it up with her, I would definitely frame it from a perspective of wanting to be more mature. For example, you could tell her you've noticed all these things she has been doing to help alleviate your fears, and thank her for that. Bringing up your ex is usually not well received.

 

The most important thing is that you see your baggage clearly, and are trying to make yourself better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
One way to do it is to journal your fears here, so that you have people reassuring you. That's a way to gradually work on those insecurities. You can have a third party judging whether or not certain fears are warranted.

 

 

If you want to bring it up with her, I would definitely frame it from a perspective of wanting to be more mature. For example, you could tell her you've noticed all these things she has been doing to help alleviate your fears, and thank her for that. Bringing up your ex is usually not well received.

 

The most important thing is that you see your baggage clearly, and are trying to make yourself better.

 

I was also thinking about whether or not we should discuss boundaries. My ex and I had different ideas about what constitutes cheating (e.g., I consider flirting with other people to be form of micro-cheating and disrespectful towards one's partner, but she saw nothing wrong with flirting).

 

Do you think this is a discussion I should have with my girlfriend? I want to make sure she and I are on the same page on these things.

Link to post
Share on other sites

IMO, it comes down to attachment style.

 

If you have trust issues in general, meaning it's difficult to accept people at face value, then likely a professional who's experienced with behavior could be helpful in working through that.

 

If it's with a particular person only, well, there are billions around so move on to someone else who doesn't elicit those feelings.

 

My style tends to be secure so I've always loved and accepted and, if things go sideways, they do. Can't control it or other people so take them as they come and with full knowledge that they can change today, tomorrow or any time in the future.

 

I've dated women I've known to be cheaters and frankly don't worry about it. If they're going to cheat on me, they will. If not, not. Same as with any other woman. Can't read their minds so really don't know if the ones who haven't cheated, they say, haven't cheated.

 

IMO, take your best shot with someone you feel is most compatible and then accept the results. If you get stuck, call in a professional to unstick you. They really can help.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Discussing boundaries in a relationship is always a correct thing to do before you get to serious commitment.

She is in the right to say that there is nothing wrong with just flirting.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I was also thinking about whether or not we should discuss boundaries.
Great idea. Communication in relationship is a key to health.
My ex and I had different ideas about what constitutes cheating (e.g., I consider flirting with other people to be form of micro-cheating and disrespectful towards one's partner, but she saw nothing wrong with flirting).
You can 'shoe on other foot this' a tool our MC used in counseling. You flirt with another girl while GF is around. See how that goes down. Is she cool or is she a hypocrite? Work through it. She'll likely rationalize it with women control sex and can control themselves but men can't. That's classic. Again something else to communicate about.

 

Do you think this is a discussion I should have with my girlfriend? I want to make sure she and I are on the same page on these things.

 

I used to do more of that boundary stuff when young and looking for a life partner/spouse to have children with. Being on the same page is helpful. Down the road, nah, we have fun and what happens happens. Women don't like being bogged down with all this rules stuff, at least at my age. If I flirt a bit and they get territorial, OK, slap me a bit and ride me in the sack after. Then it's their turn. Life changes as it progresses. Relationships change. Enjoy your youth. It's a blast :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Discussing boundaries in a relationship is always a correct thing to do before you get to serious commitment.

She is in the right to say that there is nothing wrong with just flirting.

 

It was my ex who said this about flirting, not my current girlfriend. And you and I disagree about flirting. I've meet women who hold both views as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites

In that case just remember to allow her to communicate with the opposite gender, a total ban would be too controlling ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Great idea. Communication in relationship is a key to health. You can 'shoe on other foot this' a tool our MC used in counseling. You flirt with another girl while GF is around. See how that goes down. Is she cool or is she a hypocrite? Work through it. She'll likely rationalize it with women control sex and can control themselves but men can't. That's classic. Again something else to communicate about.

 

 

 

I used to do more of that boundary stuff when young and looking for a life partner/spouse to have children with. Being on the same page is helpful. Down the road, nah, we have fun and what happens happens. Women don't like being bogged down with all this rules stuff, at least at my age. If I flirt a bit and they get territorial, OK, slap me a bit and ride me in the sack after. Then it's their turn. Life changes as it progresses. Relationships change. Enjoy your youth. It's a blast :)

 

It was my ex who made the comment about flirting, not my current girlfriend. My current girlfriend seems to be on the same page about everything we've talked about so far, and even when a male friend tried to flirt with her on Facebook recently she took screenshots of his comments and showed me, so I like to think she and I are on the same about this issue as well, though a direct discussion with her seems good to me anyway.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Having a discussion when she hasn't done anything wrong is not a good way to start a relationship. If she is going to betray you, do you think having had this talk would make any difference? What is the point of the discussion? If she is the type that flirts, you want her to change? Don't go into a relationship trying to change someone.

I had a relationship with a guy with treated me like I was guilty until proven innocent. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last. When he had a talk with me telling me he had trust issues, I went along to see how things will unfold but in my mind was the thought "oh he's not the one."

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
It was my ex who made the comment about flirting, not my current girlfriend. My current girlfriend seems to be on the same page about everything we've talked about so far, and even when a male friend tried to flirt with her on Facebook recently she took screenshots of his comments and showed me, so I like to think she and I are on the same about this issue as well, though a direct discussion with her seems good to me anyway.

Thanks, did that proactive disclosure from your new girlfriend assuage your concerns or inflame them or ??? IOW, what was your gut first response to the report she showed you of the content? In general, do you get the feeling that she has eyes only for you? Do you feel it when out in public with her as a couple? Becoming aware of that stuff can help with trust issues.

 

IMO, you'll get through it. The risk is becoming controlling and/or nitpicking her to death where it drives her away. Stay real with her and keep a firm mirror in front of yourself on the trust issues from the past and my bet is you/she will be fine.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me, it all comes down to making good choices (choosing people who are worthy of your trust) and havng good boundaries (such that you do not allow yourself to be "used in multiple ways").

Link to post
Share on other sites

However, my previous relationship ended in betrayal on so many levels. My ex-girlfriend cheated on me and used me in multiple ways. I suppose I have emotional baggage from my ex's betrayal, so how do I deal with it in my new relationship?

 

You're effectively cheating on your current GF if you're holding her hostage to the misdeeds of your ex. Look at it from her standpoint - would you want to be looked at suspiciously for something you haven't done and apparently have no intention of doing?

 

neurotibot, we have to feel we deserve happiness in order to let go of our fears. You're in a position many would envy, don't let some neurotic preconceptions screw things up...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites

No you should not talk to your new GF about your concerns, in the sense that you can't turn a GF into your shrink.

 

You can disclose that your last relationship ended due to betrayal & that has made you a bit leery & compromised your ability to trust. However every day you have to remind yourself that your new GF is not your EX & you can't assume that every person behaves like your EX. Do remind yourself to be grateful & appreciative of the transparency & reassurance your new GF is providing without even knowing that is an issue for you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

We'll be spending all day together tomorrow, so I wonder if it's a good idea to bring this up.

 

 

Personally I would say nothing

 

This girl has not put a foot wrong and is not going to be best pleased when you bring up your ex and put her under suspicion due to stuff your ex did...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that as she's been a terrific girlfriend, you shouldn't bring it up.

 

With regards to discussing boundaries, yes you could have the conversation, but don't use the phrase 'boundaries'. Simply bring up the topic in casual conversation "some people at work/school were talking about this recently and had different views. What do you think?"

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...