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Cheaters: Why didn’t you just leave?


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I feel like I’m surrounded by infidelity lately. Some of the situations are heartbreaking, like someone who literally just got engaged a month ago and cheats on their fiancé. For anyone who was ever a chronic cheater, why’d you stay? Why not just leave or try harder to work on whatever the issues were that drive you to cheat. I won’t judge you, just trying to gain an understanding.

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Beside the poly's, people who will never be monogamous, I'd pin fear as a marked impetus. Fear is a strong motivator and humans usually will lie, with cheating being a form of lying, when they're afraid of losing some benefit or asset or perk in life. A sexual/intimate partner could be one, social status could be one, lifestyle could be one, the potential benefit losses go on and on and vary by person.

 

If a person is really powerful, they don't have to lie or cheat, simply be openly non-monogamous and their power negates any potential losses a less powerful person might suffer. We see examples of this all the time.

 

I learned about fear as a psychological motivator, in marriages anyway, in MC.

 

IMO, the serial cheaters are simply non-monogamous people who shouldn't have ostensibly monogamous relationships. Some couples are set up that way with open relationships/marriages. If poly is OK, there is no cheating. I'm sometimes at a loss why that can't work out more often.

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Some people feel they play by different rules like celebrities...they think they are above it all and do whatever they want. Egotistical, self entitled, psychopaths, suffers of low self esteem, depressed, and those who lack empathy are the basis for cheaters....no not al people who suffer from depression, etc with be cheaters...it's just a pattern for those who do.

 

 

 

This person that just got engaged..either they are just carrying on with whatever they like to do, or they are getting in their last fling before they do get hitched.

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I feel like I’m surrounded by infidelity lately. Some of the situations are heartbreaking, like someone who literally just got engaged a month ago and cheats on their fiancé. For anyone who was ever a chronic cheater, why’d you stay? Why not just leave or try harder to work on whatever the issues were that drive you to cheat. I won’t judge you, just trying to gain an understanding.

 

I believe some have no "issues" to drive them to cheat, they just do not believe in monogamy. Given an opportunity, they do not hesitate to take it.

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Even with monogamy role-modeling, youth are overwhelmingly non-monogamous until society and religion mold them into the desired and approved method of pairing up for procreating. Some people feel that pull to poly stronger than others and also rebel against societal and religious norms.

 

OP, I get your concern. I was raised and educated strictly religious, virgin until married, married for life, no birth control, bla bla, and was shocked at how much cheating and affairs went on out in the real world as a young person. It was breathtaking. However, it was reality too. Couldn't la la its existence away by singing religious hymns.

 

The cool thing though is you can live your life any way you want. If you don't want infidelity or cheating to be a part of it, avoid it and discontinue associating with people whom you discover to participate, whether friends, family, a partner, whatever. You have choices. Since we can't read minds and, in the electronic world, lie like a rug with impunity, IMO don't worry about other's 'reasons'. Leave it a mystery. One you never have to discover. Perhaps one is better off for that.

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People get into and stay in relationships for the wrong reasons.

 

Why people cheat instead of leaving? My guess is they never intend on or want to leave. they just dont believe they will get caught. In the times before cellphones and social media they didn't get caught at such a high rate.

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Belle23, from your prior posts, you haven't kept good company. People cheat for a multitude of reasons.

 

If your company are persons who leave you feeling lost, then you are in bad company and need to leave them.

 

 

The question isn't about the cheater. It's about a person orbiting a cheater.

 

 

 

There is no reason for you to continue with this circle, you will have to let them go.

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People get into and stay in relationships for the wrong reasons.

 

I think the same sense of entitlement that allows cheating also validates the WS feeling they can have it all, a spouse on the homefront and an AP on the side.

 

So the objective isn't leaving, it's a need to have their bucket filled by more than one person. And a serial cheater simply proves this over and over...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I wanted to leave my ex because he turned into a negative, antisocial misery. He knew I was unhappy but refused to go to counselling. I knew he'd properly fall apart if I did leave so I stayed with him out of fear of what he'd do if I left. I had a couple affairs on the side because I felt so alone.

 

Eventually I did leave...and as I suspected, he fell apart and attempted suicide. That was over 25 years ago and to my knowledge he's never had another partner. The knowledge that your leaving could cause another to break so badly is quite a motivator to stay. But staying for the wrong reasons is bad too.

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Belle23, from your prior posts, you haven't kept good company. People cheat for a multitude of reasons.

 

If your company are persons who leave you feeling lost, then you are in bad company and need to leave them.

 

 

The question isn't about the cheater. It's about a person orbiting a cheater.

 

 

 

There is no reason for you to continue with this circle, you will have to let them go.

 

Eh, i do have some very good people in with my life with excellent morals. There are a lot of people I meet that seem awesome at first, but only turn around to disappoint when the layers get pulled back. I prob just post about the bad cause I have no issues with the good ones. Lol

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Some people just fill a void, they can’t say no or have bad boundaries because they don’t have self love.

 

Some would leave but feel obligated by responsibilities like children or bills. But secretly hope whatever martial issues they’re facing will sort themselves out. The affair is a crutch to endure the marriage.

 

Some have no reason to leave. They have security and fun.

 

People are complex and cheating happens for a variety of reasons.

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somanymistakes
I believe some have no "issues" to drive them to cheat, they just do not believe in monogamy. Given an opportunity, they do not hesitate to take it.

 

You can not believe in monogamy without being a liar and a cheater.

 

There are people who think monogamy is absolutely wrong. So they don't get married! So they explain to anyone who is dating them that they are a free agent, etc.

 

Promising to be monogamous and THEN cheating is still a choice.

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Some polys like the perks of monogamy and the variety of polyamory.

 

We also see a different form of cheating when a closeted guy uses a straight woman as a beard and dabbles with male lovers. Perks of the straight M, socially and legally, some kids to love and be loved by, and still get the base sexual needs fulfilled. Could that be done openly? More so now than in the past but still has its challenges. Hence the subterfuge.

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somanymistakes
Some polys like the perks of monogamy and the variety of polyamory.

 

And they can still absolutely have that without cheating and lying. Plenty of people in the poly world have a "primary" relationship and casual relationships on the side.

 

For that matter polyamory doesn't always mean variety, sometimes people just want a three-way marriage that lasts for decades and nothing else.

 

We also see a different form of cheating when a closeted guy uses a straight woman as a beard and dabbles with male lovers. Perks of the straight M, socially and legally, some kids to love and be loved by, and still get the base sexual needs fulfilled. Could that be done openly? More so now than in the past but still has its challenges. Hence the subterfuge.

 

Well, if he can find one of those women who never wants to have sex with her husband, then it might work out fine as an arrangement. Considering how often men complain about having married those women, surely it should be possible to advertise for them?

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2.50 a gallon

The marriage was long over. He treated her as their children's maid. He was only interested in his golf life. She wanted to leave, but in order to do so she would have to move and her two children would have to change schools, away from their child hood friends, and a school they very much liked and made great grades. To a lesser school, that included possible gang violence. So she was intent on waiting until they got into college.

And all she wanted was some caring sex about once a month.

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I think the same sense of entitlement that allows cheating also validates the WS feeling they can have it all, a spouse on the homefront and an AP on the side.

 

So the objective isn't leaving, it's a need to have their bucket filled by more than one person. And a serial cheater simply proves this over and over...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I sometimes wonder if this entitlement comes from so many kids having a mixed up childhood. Some have a mom or dad who was never around, some were "helicopter parented" and some have been brought up to believe they are entitled and their wants should always come first.

 

 

These people oftne are really bad at "adulting". They want a mommy or daddy at home ( their wife or hubby) who will look after them and kiss their emotional boo boos, but they also feel entitled to someone on the side.

 

 

To me, people like this are different than someone who simply isn't suited to being with just one person. I've met men and women who are suited to monogamy, and they know themselves well enough to know this. They make no promises they can't keep, and don't want to hurt anyone. They actually feel bad if they do.

 

 

the others? they feel entitled to whatever they want, and don't care who they hurt. some are almost like a bottomless hole of need that no one can ever fill.

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the others? they feel entitled to whatever they want, and don't care who they hurt. some are almost like a bottomless hole of need that no one can ever fill.

 

100% true. But I will add that a normal courtship and engagement with someone like this reveals red flags in 99/100 cases.

 

Woe be to the person who ignores these indicators and proceeds on to marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I think there is also a lot of monkey branching, people who want to leave but afraid to unless they think they have the replacement relationship established.

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Yes, leaving causes loss of choice and loss power. In general, a person's id wishes/desires/seeks to remain as powerful as possible, even if other considerations are sacrificed.

 

The more polished and robust a person's social skills and social power are, the more successful monkey branching will be. They read people well, know how to interact and even manipulate in a convincing way, and get what they want from other humans. Human attention span is short and, while tongues might wag short term, the social machine forgets day to day as time goes by, 'like' of the person's power and popularity returns and life goes on. Seen it a lot. Those cheaters don't leave because they don't have to, not until they feel like it. Society bends the rules for them, just as we see rules and laws bent for other people of social and economic power. Every day.

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