impossible situation ***Updated***

[lucky-girl]

I am in a wonderful relationship that is the best thing in my life, but also the worst.

The best because I am deeply in love, he is wonderful, we make each other very happy, he is my best friend, we have amazing sex and great adventures.

The worst because every now and then it hits me that he doesn't love me and it breaks my heart.

 

For many people to not be loved would be a deal-breaker, no question.

We started out as f-buddies agreeing to no commitment and to not fall in love. Obviously I was naive thinking I could keep my emotions out of it, or maybe I just didn't count on this unassuming man to be so irresistibly lovable. When I fell he was infatuated with me, but I knew he would not fall in love. It didn't matter.

I still don't know why it does pain me so much that he isn't in love with me. I don't want a different relationship to what we have now. I don't want commitment. I don't need his declaration of love to assure me of his attachment to me, his fidelity or desire. He is very caring, attentive and affectionate. None of these things are the reason for me craving his love. If he said he loved me I would be delighted but it wouldn't materially change the relationship. There's no logic to my desire for this. Just, I suppose, the innate human desire for love.

 

A few times over our 20 month relationship I have asked what he felt for me. First time, he said he wouldn't use the L word as he didn't know what love means anymore but that he was infatuated and intoxicated with me. Next time he was "extremely fond". That later became "very fond", and then "I really do like you."

If I ever hoped he would fall in love it seems to only grow less likely.

 

I go for stretches of time where I am very satisfied with what I have with him.

But every now and then, the knowledge that he doesn't love me and never will, builds to such a pain in my heart and I am crying for days. I think then, the only way out of this repetitive pain is to cut all ties with him, which would be terribly heartbreaking and a massive loss, but eventually I might get over it. Continuing as we are would likely be a never-ending roller-coaster of euphoria and heartbreak.

On the other hand, ending it would mean the loss of everything good while keeping and increasing the pain. So I tell myself it doesn't matter - which doesn't help much. So I tell myself he does love me but doesn't realise, or doesn't want to admit it.

After a day or two the pain subsides and I focus on the good. Everything is wonderful for a while but always the ache, the longing returns.

 

How much more can I take? Is it worth it? How can I escape the pain?

[PRW]

You keep contradicting yourself. You want him to love you then you don't,...you want him to say the word "love" and then you don't.

 

He loves you.

You are just insecure and all hung up on a "word".

 

Your insecurity would be clearly visible to him and may be the reason he holds back somewhat,...you are making him unsure.

[d0nnivain]

It's not worth it. I had a FWB like that. We did grow to love each other but he was one of those who believe marriage is just a piece of paper. I wasted my 20s & my child bearing years on him. Don't be as dumb as I was. If it hurts you that he doesn't love you, don't continue

[Mr. Lucky]

Have to agree with PRW. First you say this:

 

I don't want a different relationship to what we have now. I don't want commitment. I don't need his declaration of love to assure me of his attachment to me, his fidelity or desire.

 

And then this:

 

How much more can I take? Is it worth it? How can I escape the pain?

 

I'd guess much of his confusion regarding the relationship, its status and the "L" word comes from your own conflicted and contradictory approach. You might try having an open and honest discussion about where you're at and where the relationship is going.

 

Communication - what a concept!

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluEyeL]

I think he doesn't want to say the L word because that, to him, would mean commitment. In that sense, he doesn't love you. I would heed Donnivan's advice. This will not bring you happiness and you'll keep wasting years of your life being on a up and down carousel. Not worth it at all!

[Chilli]

Noticed 3 or 4 women on here just lately with the same problem.

One was even complaining that he'd lead her on or some rubbish. l mean wtf , it's just a deal , just a cold blooded arrangement.

So tbh, that's what you can expect and it's why it was the way it was instead of a real relationship.

 

l never understand women doing this stuff , if he wanted more at the start it would've been more and he'd be going for it.

Of course he's not in love , he uses you you use him and that's basically the deal.

[Gaeta]

Pain is temporary. We always feel it's the end of the world when we leave someone and we'll never find someone to love as much ever. Of course it's not true, we move on, and we find love again. When you find your next love, the one that loves you back you will hate yourself for losing 2 years to this man.

[preraph]

If a guy tells you he doesn't know what love is or know how to love, believe him. There's a recent study that said men overall have far less empathy than women. There are people who just don't feel as deeply or have that capacity -- or even want to. He sounds like one of them. All that "intoxicated" stuff is just about sex.

 

Now maybe I'm wrong, and if he does any of these things on a regular basis, then maybe he is at least protective, which for some men is about all they feel except liking sex. Does he look after you, make sure your car isn't going to break down on the road, see that you're not out alone at night, take care of you when you're sick, take you into consideration when he's deciding when and where to work or live? I mean, even a guy with a dog has to consider the dog into the equation. If you're not in the equation except for sex, that's not love -- and he's not worth loving and you should do better.

[HiCrunchy]

Noticed 3 or 4 women on here just lately with the same problem.

One was even complaining that he'd lead her on or some rubbish. l mean wtf , it's just a deal , just a cold blooded arrangement.

So tbh, that's what you can expect and it's why it was the way it was instead of a real relationship.

 

l never understand women doing this stuff , if he wanted more at the start it would've been more and he'd be going for it.

Of course he's not in love , he uses you you use him and that's basically the deal.

 

Alot of women settle with what they don't want and then try to convince themselves otherwise. They dont believe they are worth a relationship or real love. They hook up with men for the sake of trying to get them to love them but feeling sad when that doesnt work.

 

Just look at the OW threads and FWB threads of women wanting a real relationship but settling for flings or affairs.

 

Tell a man what u want, he will either give it to you or walk away. Either way u save urself the heartache.

[Ronni_W]

But every now and then, the knowledge that he doesn't love me and never will, builds to such a pain in my heart and I am crying for days.

You do not have any 'knowledge' that he does not, and never will, love you.

You only have your own insecurities and inferences and (probably false) perceptions. That is, and with the greatest of care and compassion, your 'pain in your heart' is self-induced.

 

You can choose to live by that, or you can decide to actually look at the actual evidence in front of you.

 

This one has some issues using the actual word 'love'. But what are his actions, and the words with which he feels more comfortable, telling you and showing you?

It is okay to be more adult and less dramatic. (To me, he sounds like he loves you.)

 

You can decide if this is worth it if you'd be a bit more honest about your entire situation, and dump him if your honest assessment is that this will never be what you really,

truly, deeply want out of a romantic relationship.

[lucky-girl]

Thanks to everyone for their input.

I would like to clear up some confusion created because I didn't give the whole background.

 

I'm not a young woman looking for a partner to marry. Been there, done that. I am in an open marriage that I want to stay in so spending time with my lover is never a waste of time.

 

I never entered this relationship hoping or looking for love. Quite the opposite. After 20 years of marriage I was given permission to find some sexual excitement. I had no intention or desire to fall in love and for some time I tried not to indulge my feelings, always reminding myself that it was just sex. Definitely not settling for a fling because I can’t find love.

 

There's no point dumping him so that I can find another man to love me. My husband loves me and I don't need love in a general sense, I just want this specific man that I love to love me. If/when my relationship with this man ends it would be futile to try to replace him. Any other man, any other sex would pale in comparison and only make me miss him. Nor would I want to risk my heart again. So giving up on him would mean giving up a great friendship, a deep connection and an amazing sex life - as well as the man I love.

 

I never said I don't want him to love me. It was never the purpose of the relationship and shouldn't matter. I try not to want it because there's no need - except for this ache to know he loves me like I love him.

 

There's an element of truth in saying that we are using each other for sex, but certainly not in a selfish, callous or uncaring way. We both strive to make each other happy and we care about each other as people. We have a close friendship and spend time just hanging out and talking. We chat online most days and at least half the time he is the one initiating contact. Sex is a major part of our relationship and our initial reason for meeting but it quickly became more than that - and it was always him initiating closer bonds.

 

He is very caring and protective. He worries about my safety and happiness and checks I got home safely or checks how I'm doing when I've been upset.

 

When he said he doesn't know what love is anymore it was only a few weeks into our relationship so I was surprised he brought it up at all at that stage. I think his confusion about love was from being unable to readily identify the feelings he has for his life partner - much the same as my feelings for my husband. It's a love of sorts, certainly not a passionate love, no physical attraction and little to no affection. We don't love living with our partners as daily annoying habits become the focus yet we don't want to cut them out of our lives. They are important to us and we care deeply about them but part of this is just because of the history we have together.

 

I am just hung up on those 3 little words. I wish I didn't want/need them but I can't help it. Everything would be absolutely perfect if I could just stop wanting this rather pointless thing.

 

I have told him I love him and that it's not a request for commitment or anything. Even if we both lost our partners we would not change our relationship. Although we always want to spend more time together and expect to be together for years neither of us seek commitment or would want to live together. I want him to keep seeing me because he wants to, not because he promised to.

 

That he does not love me is not a reason to end the relationship. The real problem is my illogical heartache that he does not.

[lucky-girl]

You do not have any 'knowledge' that he does not, and never will, love you.

You only have your own insecurities and inferences and (probably false) perceptions. That is, and with the greatest of care and compassion, your 'pain in your heart' is self-induced.

 

You can choose to live by that, or you can decide to actually look at the actual evidence in front of you.

 

This one has some issues using the actual word 'love'. But what are his actions, and the words with which he feels more comfortable, telling you and showing you?

It is okay to be more adult and less dramatic. (To me, he sounds like he loves you.)

 

Thank you.

 

I certainly agree that the source of my pain is me and not him.

I usually get over my misery by convincing myself that he does love me, or at least, close enough, but every few months it crashes down on me again. So I feel like telling myself that he loves me is just setting myself up to be hurt again.

I think I spend way too much time and effort looking for and analyzing the 'evidence', weighing one thing against another.

[Simple Logic]

A lot of men internalize love very differently. Ask him if he respects you.

[lucky-girl]

A lot of men internalize love very differently. Ask him if he respects you.

 

He does, but I would say he respects all women

[Simple Logic]

He does, but I would say he respects all women

 

We are not talking about the same kind of internalization of respect.

[lucky-girl]

We are not talking about the same kind of internalization of respect.

 

I'm afraid I have no idea what you mean by internalization of respect, nor internalization of love for that matter. Isn't love internal?

[Gaeta]

Love it when we get only a fraction of the story and then we're accuse of not understanding the situation.

 

 

 

Sounds to me like there is no problem. You were not looking for love, he's not looking for love, you accidentally fell in love and now you resent the fact the same didn't happen to him. Maybe he doesn't want to fall in love with a woman in an open marriage. Maybe he has other plans for himself, it doesn't mean he doesn't care enormously for you.

[PRW]

I think he doesn't want to say the L word because that, to him, would mean commitment. In that sense, he doesn't love you. I would heed Donnivan's advice. This will not bring you happiness and you'll keep wasting years of your life being on a up and down carousel. Not worth it at all!

 

There are other reasons to not want to say the "L word". I personally know of people who won't even use the word with family members, where clearly commitment is not the context. Yet the same person would say they "love" chocolate milk, or their favorite TV show. In at least one of their cases it stemmed from (as far as I can tell) the use of the word "love" in a dysfunctional family interaction which has caused the person now in adulthood to have a "cringe" feeling run through them at the use of the word "love" within a romantic relationship, while at the same time they have no problem using the word in response to a favorite food, TV show, or even with a girlfriend as long as it is used in a somewhat flippant non-serious context.

 

 

It is just a word. For people who don't speak English, it doesn't even really exist,...their language would have something else.

Edited November 16, 2018 by PRW

[lucky-girl]

Love it when we get only a fraction of the story and then we're accuse of not understanding the situation.

 

Defensive much? I made no accusations.

I initially gave as much information as I thought needed without writing a novel-length post that no one would read. When I saw more information was needed, I gave it without blaming anyone.

[lucky-girl]

How important is it to you to have your partner tell you he/she loves you?

If he/she acts like they do love you but can never say it, are you fine with that or do you long/need to hear those three little words out loud?

[basil67]

A guy who acts like he loves but says he doesn't love isn't worth bothering with. Life's already complicated enough without adding optional complications such as this.

[FMW]

I absolutely want to hear the words, and see them backed up by actions.

[d0nnivain]

I need the words.

 

Every time there is another tragedy in the world, the importance of those words is reinforced. In the face of the unspeakable I want to know those words were said & heard, just in case.

[elaine567]

You are in an open relationship with your husband, your "lover" is in a relationship with his life partner.

You have fallen in love, he has not.

You want love, you need love, else what exactly are you?

Some woman he sees for sex, some woman he keeps on the right side of to protect his regular sex, some woman he doesn't even like, but he needs the sex... Who knows?

That is the issue, without love, you do not know where you stand.

Without love you have no importance, no status, without love you are in no-man's land. You are giving your very being to this guy and he is going "Sorry, not really feeling it."

It is not a good place to be.

[lucky-girl]

You are in an open relationship with your husband, your "lover" is in a relationship with his life partner.

You have fallen in love, he has not.

You want love, you need love, else what exactly are you?

Some woman he sees for sex, some woman he keeps on the right side of to protect his regular sex, some woman he doesn't even like, but he needs the sex... Who knows?

That is the issue, without love, you do not know where you stand.

Without love you have no importance, no status, without love you are in no-man's land. You are giving your very being to this guy and he is going "Sorry, not really feeling it."

It is not a good place to be.

 

Thanks Elaine. That is the truth