spiderowl Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 After being married for years and then divorced and dating, I am still not sure whether guys really seek emotional intimacy in a relationship or just give a good impression of it. Some seem to but others seem to just want a pal to play with (basically)! I have dated a few guys and find that they do not seem to have much empathy. They talk about what interests them or try to tell me what to do, but I don't detect that they are really understanding how I feel. Is it asking too much of a guy to seek empathy? Guys do you seek emotional intimacy in a relationship? If you do, how do you try to build this? What kind of things would you want to be able to share with a partner? What makes you feel safe to share? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 I love my hubby to bits, but I go to my girlfriends if I want to share deep feelings. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Guys do you seek emotional intimacy in a relationship? What kind of things would you want to be able to share with a partner? What makes you feel safe to share? (1) NO.. (2) None, I've worked them all out on my own and don't want to re-visit those subjects. (3) Its not about feeling safe, I just prefer to work out difficult issues on my own. I don't need to talk about them. If it something that needs to be fixed, I fix it. If I can't fix it or change it, I accept it and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 (1) NO.. (2) None, I've worked them all out on my own and don't want to re-visit those subjects. (3) Its not about feeling safe, I just prefer to work out difficult issues on my own. I don't need to talk about them. If it something that needs to be fixed, I fix it. If I can't fix it or change it, I accept it and move on. This is my husband exactly ^ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Trying to write less... Yes. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 "Emotional intimacy? What is that?", "She is about to leave me, I don't really know why." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Garcon1986 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 The most annoying thing about women that I have ever seen is sitting down at a table, talking, and the woman venting, expecting a listening ear, and the man providing solutions, and then the woman getting progressively more angry that he is not listening. Women and men have different interpretations of what emotional intimacy is, and I have been told before, you are not listening - during a personal conversation with my ex about her emotional concerns. So I think the solution is to ask everyone to make an effort, before doing such a conversation, to sit down and have a friendly chat about expectations. Conversations seeking emotional intimacy will never be like what women have with women (in general guys don't seek out emotional intimacy with their buddies anyway). An effort of the man to try to understand, and efforts on the woman's part on being patient, will go a long way. Of course, you will have a much harder time with folks with Aspergers or autism. Communication will always be based on different frameworks, and learning each others love languages is crucial. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 I really don't see the point of having a partner who is emotionally checked out, but I know that's how a lot of them are. They pretend not to be while dating. But there are some who like to talk and I was lucky in that regard. But being the daily sounding board gets old for everyone eventually. I had several men who really confided in me. I was the person who heard, "I've never told anyone that before" a lot. But again, that's different than mind-numbing chitchat or complaining. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Guys do you seek emotional intimacy in a relationship? Insulting question, like me asking “do women really enjoy sex?” Men present differently... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gretchen12 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 From what I've experienced, men seek emotional intimacy from the partner even more so than women. That's because they don't have girlfriends to go to like women do and they can't talk to other guys. So basically you're all he's got in that department. But he counts on you to understand his way of communication may be different from yours, to support him without judgement, to give advice without being pushy, and never use it against him at a later time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 For a typical man, his female mate is his safe place from the brutality of the world. If he gets a whiff of that brutality at home, well, results vary but me, I'd rather be alone. No upside at all. Hookers are available, or just be celibate. I hope someday I meet a woman who's actually emotionally intimate with me, not just sucking the life out of me. Maybe someday, in another life. However, this may be where the emotionally distant man shines. He keeps her wanting so she has to invest in him to get what she wants. Masterful. I'll ask Tom about that. He seems to have that attractiveness thing worked out Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 I've been told I'm 'emotionally intelligent' and and am able to connect on an emotional level with women. I put it down to being raised mostly by a woman. Although I have to say it's about the most useless skill a man could have. I dated a woman recently who even commented on it at how pleasantly surprised she was that I actually remembered details of her problems at work and how my cerebral nature was refreshing compared to the rough 'wide-boy' types she was used to dating who talked about themselves and never listened...then she ghosted me 2 dates later ? So from now on any future dates are going to be all about me ? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 (edited) From what I've experienced, men seek emotional intimacy from the partner even more so than women. That's because they don't have girlfriends to go to like women do and they can't talk to other guys. So basically you're all he's got in that department. This would absolutely be my experience. My guy doesn't have family living close, he has friends, but his primary relationship is with me - and its me with whom he shares all his thoughts, feelings, and plans for the future. We share an easy companionship and our relationship is built on a strong friendship, but I would not say that talking about feelings or showing empathy is a strength for my partner. This is why I have girlfriends... I learned long ago not to expect my partner to check every box - different people meet different needs in your life. There are certainly many other reasons why I love him... Edited November 13, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotus_Luna Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 I guess it depends what type of intimacy you’re looking for. Men tell me things, they’re open with me. I share my feelings and struggles. But to really admit my feelings or the depth of my attachment was hard. I wasn’t looking for someone to have long romantic talks with. But I did find someone who I could be honest with. And likewise.... I suppose everyone is different... I just wanted someone I could share my experiences with. They were my battles but he was my safe place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Pretty well everything l love intimacy with my women. But you wouldn't bother with someone that was cold unfeeling or bound to throw things back in your face later sometime or someone your not that interested in . Well that's me anyway. But l am different. l know for fact through over many years listening and talking to other guys, a lot just aren't , and a lot could not even imagine where l go with my women or the things between us. Some seem like they have zero interest in too much soul others just aren't that personal , kinda guarded or hold back or simply couldn't giva fk. Just observations over the years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotus_Luna Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Pretty well everything l love intimacy with my women. But you wouldn't bother with someone that was cold unfeeling or bound to throw things back in your face later sometime or someone your not that interested in . Well that's me anyway. But l am different. l know for fact through over many years listening and talking to other guys, a lot just aren't , and a lot could not even imagine where l go with my women or the things between us. Some seem like they have zero interest in too much soul others just aren't that personal , kinda guarded or hold back or simply couldn't giva fk. Just observations over the years. This is what’s hard for me. My AP was all about emotional intimacy. I can’t find many stories that relate to it. He didn’t feed me BS about feelings He was just there for me and in his way still tries I never felt used for sex or love I felt used in a way that he was granted access to my internist secrets and I still don’t know if he shared his. I haven’t met anyone like him, I have met many men.... he’s the only one that cuts through my BS... Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 (edited) Doesn't AP mean affair partner , were you married to someone else? Anyway , sounds like he just never got around to his stuff. l have noticed over and over most intimacy seems to be a pretty rare thing in a lot of guys so what you say doesn't surprise me. Strange in stuff like that , my ex w for example seems hard and just un ' empathetic now days, just in general , not with me we still get along ok , but it's just in her way, how she talks , new attitudes, l've noticed it a lot last few years since she got with her new man. Pretty obvious he's pretty well a house brick as far as much emotion goes. She use to be the most kindest caring sensitive to others person you'd ever meet. Edited November 13, 2018 by Chilli Link to post Share on other sites
Lotus_Luna Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Doesn't AP mean affair partner , were you married to someone else? Anyway , sounds like he just never got around to his stuff. l have noticed over and over most intimacy seems to be a pretty rare thing in a lot of guys so what you say doesn't surprise me. Strange in stuff like that , my ex w for example seems hard and just un ' empathetic now days, just in general , not with me we still get along ok , but it's just in her way, how she talks , new attitudes, l've noticed it a lot last few years since she got with her new man. Pretty obvious he's pretty well a house brick as far as much emotion goes. She use to be the most kindest caring sensitive to others person you'd ever meet. I’m married but hoping to separate soon enough. I’m not really sure what men share as intimacy? Talking about day to day stuff? Sure we did that. Talking about his failed career that robbed him of his identity? We discussed that too. His struggles to start a new career... that as well. I suppose it just feels differently? Men May present their vulnerabilities in a different light? I was just supportive. My job wasn’t to fix anything, just be a safe place to talk. And he wasn’t a big talker... he knew it and I knew it. So maybe thatvwas enough? My husband is the opposite, but usually to manipulate me. He expressions of feelings are usually tied to my faults and how I’ve let him down. Just part of his personality disorder. But there are always soooo many words and conversations... I’d take a quiet man over this.. Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 (edited) I know I do. It's been my experience that some women see that as a weakness in a man. Some appreciate it, especially if they want the same. Edited November 13, 2018 by Logo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 I've been told I'm 'emotionally intelligent' and and am able to connect on an emotional level with women. I put it down to being raised mostly by a woman. Although I have to say it's about the most useless skill a man could have. I dated a woman recently who even commented on it at how pleasantly surprised she was that I actually remembered details of her problems at work and how my cerebral nature was refreshing compared to the rough 'wide-boy' types she was used to dating who talked about themselves and never listened...then she ghosted me 2 dates later ? So from now on any future dates are going to be all about me ? OK but how do you know she dumped you due to your emotional intelligence? She may have dumped you for all sorts of reasons. Your emotional intelligence just didn't trump the things she didn't like about you... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 lt doesn't matter what the rest do or think , only what your own woman feels. l'd never respect one of that thinking but yeah there's plenty out there. As far as what is intimacy in that sense for guys lotus , for those that like it , it could be anything as varied as women. Some women think talking about the neighbours dog or their mum or their job or their hair or 2 flies crawling up a wall is intimate and opening up. Some, a rare few , like my gf, want your soul , and then some, and then deeper still. That would be some guys worst nightmare , but not me l want the same from her. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 She use to be the most kindest caring sensitive to others person you'd ever meet. Divorce and just life tends to take its toll. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Yeah , true, it sure does , think that's a big part of the new her too. l know she's tired as hell. Thenew guys been divorced 3 times , great catch , he's gotta be tired as hell too :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Guys do you seek emotional intimacy in a relationship? If you do, how do you try to build this? To be able to feel completely open, physically and emotionally, with someone - isn’t that what we’re all looking for? But this is a masculinity minefield. When I was single, nothing turned off the few GFs I had more than revealing too much too soon. And ironically, those of us who are naturally introspective, analytical, and sensitive have the smallest margin of error to work with in this regard. So, eventually you become so used to having to hide this part of you that it’s very difficult to flip the switch back. Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted November 13, 2018 Share Posted November 13, 2018 Whenever I see questions such as this my mind goes into some sort of overdrive while trying to figure out the true meaning of this emotional intimacy stuff. I simply have no idea what you are talking about? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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