Sexless Marriage or LTR

[Lotus_Luna]

Could you, would you stay with a partner knowing sex was off the table. You’d have financial security, a co parent, a friend.... just no sex....

[Rockdad]

A great big fat Hell to the No I wouldn't stay and didn't after an extended amount of time. I lived that dream which included providing the financial security.

[Lotus_Luna]

How long did you stay and what finally promoted you to leave?

 

I have several female friends who are battling this situation. The emotional toll of being rejected is hard.

[FMW]

I had a sexless marriage for more than 10 years, and the 13 earlier years of the marriage were close to sexless. I stayed way, way too long, obviously. My xH had multiple affairs, so he was interested in sex - just not with me (obviously the marriage had a lot of problems to get to that point). Not being willing or able to pretend everything was ok anymore was the breaking point for me to decide to divorce.

 

It erodes your self-esteem and confidence and makes you vulnerable to bad decisions - like having an affair. And even after divorce you're more vulnerable than you otherwise would be to getting involved with people that aren't good for you just because you're so starved for affection and attention.

 

With infidelity, in my case, or in cases of abuse it's a more straightforward decision. If everything else is good, then I'm sure that makes it harder. But the damage done to self esteem and confidence would be the same, so I think it's definitely a valid reason to end the relationship.

[central]

I divorced my ex mainly because of this, so no, I didn't stay, and wouldn't in similar situations ever again. The only scenario in which I might stay, is if I'm in a polyamorous or open relationship with plenty of sex with another partner.

[Gaeta]

Been there.........never again.

[5x5]

Could you, would you stay with a partner knowing sex was off the table. You’d have financial security, a co parent, a friend.... just no sex....

 

Generally the answer is no I would not stay. While I would also seek sex elsewhere without any restraint, very quickly into not getting to share sex with a spouse of mine.

 

The only exception being I might agree to remain married to a spouse given your scenario. If she accepted my having other ongoing live in sexual partners move into our home, while I have a considerable amount of sex with them.

 

I think no one is entitled to or deserves monogamy, celibacy or sexual fidelity of any kind. If they end or significantly limit sexual relations with their sexual partner.

[Lotus_Luna]

Generally the answer is no I would not stay. While I would also seek sex elsewhere without any restraint, very quickly into not getting to share sex with a spouse of mine.

 

The only exception being I might agree to remain married to a spouse given your scenario. If she accepted my having other ongoing live in sexual partners move into our home, while I have a considerable amount of sex with them.

 

I think no one is entitled to or deserves monogamy, celibacy or sexual fidelity of any kind. If they end or significantly limit sexual relations with their sexual partner.

 

IMO to remove sex from a monogamous relationship and expect your partner to just accept it is cruel. Marriage is based on mutual decisions, to remove sex is a selfish one that eats away to the intimacy.

 

 

 

From what I’m seeing here, no man feels he can stay emotionally connected, validated or happy in a sexless marriage?

[5x5]

My wife also share my opinion and would feel free to have sex with others. If faced with involuntary celibacy being imposed upon her.

[carhill]

I would say the same for women IMO. No healthy woman could, or should, be expected to remain with a man who chooses to avoid sex. Some do, sure. Lifestyle prison. Fear of being alone. Religious/family pressure.

 

Even as an old guy, supposedly on the backside of sexual potency and desire, I wouldn't stay. If there's no lovemaking, love dies for me because lovemaking is an expression of love that's elemental to an intimate relationship in my view.

 

That perspective is why I don't blame my exW at all for accelerating the marital end process once emotional intimacy died and my sexual desire for her waned as a result of that process. She did exactly the right thing. Good for her. If it don't flow, let it go.

[Lotus_Luna]

I would say the same for women IMO. No healthy woman could, or should, be expected to remain with a man who chooses to avoid sex. Some do, sure. Lifestyle prison. Fear of being alone. Religious/family pressure.

 

Even as an old guy, supposedly on the backside of sexual potency and desire, I wouldn't stay. If there's no lovemaking, love dies for me because lovemaking is an expression of love that's elemental to an intimate relationship in my view.

 

That perspective is why I don't blame my exW at all for accelerating the marital end process once emotional intimacy died and my sexual desire for her waned as a result of that process. She did exactly the right thing. Good for her. If it don't flow, let it go.

 

My girlfriends who face there feel selfish for not being satisfied with a sexless relationship.

 

But in BOTH cases thier partners are often involved emotional affairs or addictions.

 

I find it interesting that the men deprive them of sex while indulging their own desires

[carhill]

I think such instances are where some form of counseling would help clarify the processes.....

 

For some people, they gain attraction to others, or distractions by others, then their libido or emotional focus or whatever on the primary relationship wanes. Others, the wane occurs prior. However, since most humans write their narrative to place themselves in the most favorable light depending on the audience being convinced, the story often changes!

 

Then again, some people just like some strange. Most of the guys busted in the parking lot with hookers when I was a young virgin working at a shop in a questionable part of town were, the cops shared, married. Were they lacking sex at home or just after 'more'? IDK. I was thinking, not bad, less than one days wages (for me) for a week's worth of sex, three times a week.

 

OTOH, I remember the time were were upstairs and saw a pickup where it shouldn't be and called the sheriff and it turned out it was a woman with a male hooker. Talked with the deputies when they took our statements and it turned out the truck they were in was her husband's truck. Yeah baby.... Truck left on the hook and she and her male hooker went downtown. That must've been a banner day in their M.

 

I get that some people can do the roommate thing. Not me. It's good to know one's limitations.

[Lotus_Luna]

I think such instances are where some form of counseling would help clarify the processes.....

 

For some people, they gain attraction to others, or distractions by others, then their libido or emotional focus or whatever on the primary relationship wanes. Others, the wane occurs prior. However, since most humans write their narrative to place themselves in the most favorable light depending on the audience being convinced, the story often changes!

 

Then again, some people just like some strange. Most of the guys busted in the parking lot with hookers when I was a young virgin working at a shop in a questionable part of town were, the cops shared, married. Were they lacking sex at home or just after 'more'? IDK. I was thinking, not bad, less than one days wages (for me) for a week's worth of sex, three times a week.

 

OTOH, I remember the time were were upstairs and saw a pickup where it shouldn't be and called the sheriff and it turned out it was a woman with a male hooker. Talked with the deputies when they took our statements and it turned out the truck they were in was her husband's truck. Yeah baby.... Truck left on the hook and she and her male hooker went downtown. That must've been a banner day in their M.

 

I get that some people can do the roommate thing. Not me. It's good to know one's limitations.

These women are with abusive partners. Emotionally for certainly, and one had problems with sex addiction. The sex wasn’t good or normal to start with. Now it’s just gone.

 

As bad as my marriage is, I can’t go sexless. My friends are stunned I can manage to have sex with someone I despise so much. But I like sex and I don’t know how to go without....

[carhill]

Yep, the MW I was just texting with about the fires up north is the same way. High sex drive, complex marriage, sometimes long stretches of celibacy that she'll break by force before going nuts. I've seen the lack of physical affection firsthand, enough that it annoyed me. Outward, perfect couple. I'll bet they're the envy of dinner right now. Reality, OTOH, often is different. Lifestyle prison with a dash of fear of being alone would be my armchair dx for that case. Nothing sinister. Probably have a lot of company. Her words to me "After 30 years, it's different". OK, accepted.

[Lotus_Luna]

Yep, the MW I was just texting with about the fires up north is the same way. High sex drive, complex marriage, sometimes long stretches of celibacy that she'll break by force before going nuts. I've seen the lack of physical affection firsthand, enough that it annoyed me. Outward, perfect couple. I'll bet they're the envy of dinner right now. Reality, OTOH, often is different. Lifestyle prison with a dash of fear of being alone would be my armchair dx for that case. Nothing sinister. Probably have a lot of company. Her words to me "After 30 years, it's different". OK, accepted.

 

Everyone handles it differently.

 

I just don’t think I can be celibate.

 

On the other hand, my marriage won’t be around much longer.

 

AP isn’t rushing to pick up the relationship.

 

I just couldn’t imagine being with someone who didn’t want you. I’d feel so unloved and unattractive

ractive.

[carhill]

Yep. Most of us have friends. Some of us have wonderful friends. Loving, caring friends. People we'd take a bullet for and vice versa. It's just different from a spouse or partner. What makes it different? The emotional bonding that accompanies and springs from sex.

[Wookin Pa Nub]

My current gf was in this situation. She was in sexless marriage. Part bc H was not interested, had ED issues, alcoholic and part bc she was not attracted to him. He had put on 100 lbs during marriage. She had 2 young kids and her ex H was a multi millionaire so financial security played a role in her staying so long.

 

 

Finally she said she was sick of having a roommate and wanted love. It was scary for her as she would have trouble making a living on her own. Fortunately she gets alimony for a few years.

[sabaton]

Could you, would you stay with a partner knowing sex was off the table. You’d have financial security, a co parent, a friend.... just no sex....

 

No. Never. What separates a friendship from a romantic relationship is sex. Withou it, you can have all of the emotional intimacy in the world but that ain't no romantic relationship. That's a friendship.

 

The emotional bonding that accompanies and springs from sex.

Nah. People have sex for two reasons. It feels really good to play with the body of a young, healthy, fit woman, and because without sex there is no reproduction. Not unless your name is Cristiano Ronaldo and you can rent a surrogate mother to have children with.

 

Emotional bonds don't come from sex, and they don't accompany sex. Imagine that. Imagine if most men were only capable of having sex with a girl if they had romantic feelings for her in the first place. We'd go down from 7 billion people and counting to a hundreds of millions lel.

 

 

Imagine that. That people either need to have feelings to have sex or develop feelings for someone because of sex. Prostitution wouldn't be legal in Europe. Prostitutes would be falling in love with every man they sleep with, and not every client is middle-aged and obese. There's plenty of attractive young men who visit escorts. Hell, in Spain for example it's a rite of passage for a young man to lose his virginity with an escort.

 

If sex creates emotional bonds, there wouldn't be thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions of young people around the world having casual sex as we speak of, either in one-night stands, or in Friendships with benefits, or whatever suits their fancy.

 

I'll never figure out why there are still people who believe sex = creation of feelings.

Edited November 14, 2018 by sabaton

[carhill]

Emotional bonds come from sex. Prove they don't. I'm trying to figure out if you're a lawyer or not

 

Let's hear from the women on that too. What say you ladies?

[Mysterio]

You know what I don't get. How can a lot of us be so mismatched. It just does not make sense to me.

[Mysterio]

I had sex with my ex GF and when I see her now. I feel nothing 90 % of the time. She is single and so am I.

[basil67]

Yes. My sex drive has suffered a blow since menopause and hubby has recently been diagnosed with a mild degree of peyronies disease which causes painful erections. He's been really understanding with what I'm going through. And even if my drive comes back post menopause, I would never leave him because of a functional issue.

 

We have always agreed that sex needs to be mutually pleasurable, so we're not the kind of couple where the one who's lacking in function/desire would service their partner. It's either both in or nothing happens.

[thefooloftheyear]

Yes. My sex drive has suffered a blow since menopause and hubby has recently been diagnosed with a mild degree of peyronies disease which causes painful erections. He's been really understanding with what I'm going through. And even if my drive comes back post menopause, I would never leave him because of a functional issue.

 

We have always agreed that sex needs to be mutually pleasurable, so we're not the kind of couple where the one who's lacking in function/desire would service their partner. It's either both in or nothing happens.

 

Yep...

 

There are countless couples that either due to situations like yours, apathy, or any other reasons, are living in sexless marriages...They aren't "just friends" like a lot of posters are saying...Far from it....They are fully fledged couples that just don't require sex to form a lasting bond.. Sex is just an activity that's not part of their lives..

 

Additionally there are couples that have great sex yet everything else in the relationship is substandard or even miserable...Heck , I know more than one guy that proclaims they barely like their wives(let alone love) yet have regular sex with them...

 

So who's to determine what is or isn't "right"??

 

TFY

[snowcones]

Could you, would you stay with a partner knowing sex was off the table. You’d have financial security, a co parent, a friend.... just no sex....

 

 

It's not uncommon for the sex drive to die for a married couple yet they get along and stay together. It's like Marriage Death Bed. What's more of a problem is when one person still has a sex drive (i.e. they still want to have sex with their partner or with someone else) and the other one doesn't. That is what I don't know how to solve and have yet to hear of a good solution besides "just deal with it". Anyway, my answer is no I would not stay with a partner knowing sex was off the table.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Once upon a time I might have said absolutely not. Even before I ever had sex I knew I'd probably always have a high sex drive. Sex is very important to me. I love sex. Sex is one of my favorite things.

 

That being said: my fiance is a good handful of years older than I am. He's a strong, healthy guy, so it might not be an issue, but I've thought about what it would be like if his desire/ability tanks before mine does. There's also always the possibility that injury or illness might leave either of us more or less incapacitated. Human bodies don't last forever.

 

I can't imagine leaving him or running around on him in either case. In sickness and in health, and all that. Yes, sex has always been a huge part of our relationship and it's a big part of why I love him so much (Skin contact, sexual pleasure, orgasms = oxytocin. This is the most basic stuff of human pair bonding - not as much for men but for most people with a uterus, YES). But it's not everything.

 

He stepped into my life during a time when I really needed a man to wrap me up in his arms all night. And drive me places. And help pay my bills. And hold me when I cry. And kiss me and touch me and hold my hand. And dozens of other things he does for me without even being asked. He takes such good care of me. When he gets old and his body starts failing, I want to take care of him until he dies.