crystallake Posted October 16, 2018 Share Posted October 16, 2018 Hello, I'm not sure if this is normal or not, but my wife is incredibly jealous of movies and TV shows that I attempt to watch. So much so that I am frightened to have a TV show or movie playing when she is in the room. She will find out the title of the movie, look at my YouTube history and go on IMDB to see what, if any nudity is in the film/show. She'll then ask me if I have a thing for the actress and accuse me of having some sort of connection with them. It then turns into an argument about how I am accused of only watching it for "those scenes." Some of the movies are PG-13. She'll come walking in while I'm looking for something to watch and will say "Oh you don't have to immediately turn off what you were just watching" as though I was doing something horrible. I get this awful feeling of anxiety and panic anytime I try to watch something. I am a big fan of horror and SciFi and it hurts me to want to watch a show or movie. My friends will tell me, check out Ozark or this and that show, my immediate follow up will be "is there any racy scenes or sexual activity?" Nowadays, most shows and movies have this. When I'm told yes, I mentally shut that film or show out of my mind. Nope. Can't watch this, ever. If I try to watch it when she's not home, she will check the history and find out. Then a big argument will ensue and our day/week will be ruined. This has gotten so bad to where it has put up a wall and I don't feel that attracted to her because of how much this hurts me. Over the years she seems to understand and has tried to get help for it by getting therapy, even medicated, but nothing helps her jealousy. What's odd is that in our 10 years of being together, she has been unfaithful to me three times. Once when we started dating, and during our marriage she left me to pursue a relationship with her coworker and also with someone she met online. Since then, things have been good and we got through those tough times. It wasn't easy. Despite that and the bad things she's done to hurt me, I still can't watch movies. I used to love watching them but now I am repulsed by them due to the fear that comes over me if I try to watch a movie I enjoy. I also love to write and have severe writers block. What if my wife finds this? It has a female character? We'd be in an argument for a week! Does anyone else have this problem in their relationship? How do you deal with it, and how do you learn to let go of a passion you enjoy to keep your partner happy? Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 I don't have advice on how to deal with it because I don't think you should have to deal with it. This is really and truly unhealthy, it's not normal. She has a serious emotional issue, I'm sorry professional help in the past hasn't helped. She's obviously projecting her lack of fidelity on to you. Why do you think you are obligated to try and appease her? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Dude. Not normal acceptable behavior in the slightest. She sounds like she has no control over herself. Can't control her astonishing level of jealousy. And apparently can't control herself from sleeping with other men, and trying to leave you. How do you deal with it? Stop accepting her treatment. Your a grown man, you should be able to watch whatever you like. If she doesn't like that, that is HER PROBLEM, not yours. She is irrational, sounds like she probably needs mental health help. Are you going to be able to stand up to her enough to push her to get some? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystallake Posted October 17, 2018 Author Share Posted October 17, 2018 Thank you for your responses, and I agree that this behavior is unacceptable. The problem is, I try to argue that it's unacceptable and that I should be able to watch movies, but my wife will not back down at all until I give in and apologize. If I don't tell her "That actress is ugly" and turn off the movie, I won't hear the end of it, it'll be the silent treatment and the day or entire week will be miserable. So, this is where I think I need therapy myself. I grew up with a fairly loveless family, got little to no affection. I'm so terrified of being alone and fear that if I don't do what she wants she will retaliate by once again trying to connect with other men. The first time she left me I was so torn apart, had horrible separation anxiety to the point where I was suicidal. It sucks, because she now knows how torn apart I would get by her leaving - and yet I feel like I can't do some of the things I enjoy because a female character might appear on screen. It feels like a double edged sword. I know I need to man up and stop letting her do this to me, but I'm so afraid of being cheated on and left. What's weird is that she watches shows that have racy, somewhat sexual content... if I walk by to go to the kitchen or past the TV she'll go "Why did you double take on that girl? Do you like her? You like tall skinny women?" So I have to be careful passing by not to make eye contact with the TV. I feel like the easier option is to just give up on my passion of writing and enjoying film because it's the lesser of the two as far as the outcome goes... I don't know. Feeling like I'm damned if you do, damned if you don't. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Thank you for your responses, and I agree that this behavior is unacceptable. I try to argue that it's unacceptable but my wife will not back down at all until I give in and apologize. So, this is where I think I need therapy myself. I grew up with a fairly loveless family, got little to no affection. I'm so terrified of being alone and fear that if I don't do what she wants she will retaliate by once again trying to connect with other men. The first time she left me I was so torn apart, had horrible separation anxiety to the point where I was suicidal. You can't reason with someone who is irrational. And, when your wife gets upset if there is nudity/sexuality on a television show while she has cheated on you three times - that's very irrational behavior. I wouldn't waste my time arguing with her. I would leave her. But, you are not ready to do that. Most definitely, you need to find yourself a good therapist. If you are staying with a controlling and emotionally abusive woman because you fear being alone... If you are trying to keep the peace and not rock the boat because you fear her response... And yet, you are suicidal when she left you -- those are sure signs that you have a lot of work to do to get yourself to a healthy place in your own life. Because, those are not exactly reasonable things for a person to do either... Best wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 That sounds intolerable. I’m sorry! As for your fear of being alone... I used to have that pretty bad and I put up with stuff I shouldn’t have from my husband, who I was married to for 25 years. When he left me for another woman, I was devastated at first and so afraid that I *couldn’t* be okay alone, but it didn’t take me very long to realize that I was going to be a happier, better person for it. Now it’s been a little over four years since we broke up and I have had lonely moments (not as scary as I woulda thought) but I have also had the funnest and happiest time of my life. My highs are much higher and my lows probably the same or not as bad. My gut says you need to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Over the years she seems to understand and has tried to get help for it by getting therapy, even medicated, but nothing helps her jealousy. crystallake, have you ever spoken to a therapist? Allowing your partner to bully and control you to this extent isn't healthy for either of you. On some level you understand this or you wouldn't be posting her. You need to be strong enough to either stand up for yourself or leave the relationship. Get help, this fearful cowering is no way to live life... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Her behaviour is way out of line and insane, it seems like a pattern for people who cheat to go accusing their partner of cheating too, as it somehow alleviates their guilt. Staying married to someone who has quite consistently cheated on you, and is controlling your life. Why? Why are you suicidal without her? She is an abusive cheat who is ruining your life. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 This is not really about her, her behaviour is unacceptable and irrational. This is now about you. Get therapy NOW and get up the courage to leave. It is the only answer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 This happened to me once. I am afraid it will get worse. She used to stop a movie halfway through and question me over the actress and how attractive she was. At first i just laughed it off but her arguments would rage for hours. It will manifest in all aspects of the RS. Leave for the sake of your sanity. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
5x5 Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 Feeling like I'm damned if you do, damned if you don't. If I were you, I would tell her to. "**** off, I will watch whatever I want." Then do exactly that. Honestly life is a lot easier, when you don't let people walk all over you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 So, this is where I think I need therapy myself. Yes, I think you do. Why do you accept this treatment? Why do you stay with a woman who cheated on you not once or even twice, but 3 times? You need to answer this question properly, and overcome your fear of being (temporarily) alone, because believe me being alone is better than living like this! It might suck in the short term but after a few months you will be glad to be FREE. Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted October 17, 2018 Share Posted October 17, 2018 I am early 70s and I sometimes fall asleep watching TV. My wife will wake me up so that I don't miss a nude scene. Game of Thrones has occasional nude scene. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 Honestly, this is borderline abusive. She has all of the control and she knows it. And uses and absuses her power. And you simply comply because you are codependent on her. Here is the thing, she doesn't respect you, and she certainly doesn't treat you with love. Do get help for yourself. So you can start wanting more for yourself. So you stop simply allowing abuse and bad behavior, and come back for more. This is a really unhealthy dynamic, and my money bis on her behavior escalating. I would be surprised if she is still not cheating in some way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 I am early 70s and I sometimes fall asleep watching TV. My wife will wake me up so that I don't miss a nude scene. Game of Thrones has occasional nude scene. Now that's a keeper, both in letting you sleep and the timing in waking you up ! Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted October 18, 2018 Share Posted October 18, 2018 I am early 70s and I sometimes fall asleep watching TV. My wife will wake me up so that I don't miss a nude scene. Game of Thrones has occasional nude scene. That's how it should be imo. A person who doesn't cheat would not make these accusations and demand that you don't watch movies. If my bf has a crush on a female celeb, great. I don't assume he is going to cheat. Cheater assumes that everyone is so easily tempted as they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystallake Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 It's been some time since I've posted an update. First, I want to thank everyone who has provided feedback, it is really appreciated! I know some people have said that I should leave the relationship, but it's not something I want to do. I'd rather find a way to fix things, as I have a family with my wife, and have been with her for 1/3rd of my life. With that said though, unfortunately the jealous issues continue. I've put my foot down and told her this needs to stop. I shouldn't have to be scared to death to have an adult conversation, or to watch TV or a movie without being accused of "double taking" or having a "thing" for a TV character or a cartoon. Since my last post, and since putting my foot down hard, here are some updates: - She has acknowledged that what she is doing is wrong and abusive. - She has tried to get help for herself and has received therapy. - She has tried medications, and is currently on one. - She has told me to start watching shows and movies in front of her that have female characters. With that said though, it's still a struggle. If there is a show or a movie on, I can tell she is bottling up her anger, anxious to say "oh you like that woman" and gives me the quiet treatment. I recently created an Instagram, and when she found out, she created her own just to look at mine. I decided to remove my instagram because I was so frightened what if I liked someone's post who was female? If so, then it could lead to a huge fight, ruining or day or possibly the entire week. I can try and justify I did nothing wrong, but to her, I did something awful. Now, she noticed my instagram was down, saying "I wasn't spying on you, I was just going on there to change my password" which I don't buy. Now, she's pissed I took down my instagram because of my fear. To back track a bit, I did see a therapist. They are saying the same thing most of you are saying. She's reflecting herself onto me. She thinks because she's so vulnerable to meeting men online, that I am the same. Mind you, she has cheated on me three times. Once with someone online, once with someone at work and then a family friend. So it's no wonder she gets angry if I comment on a female's post, or mention a girl at work. Speaking of which, on one of the times my wife cheated and left me, I turned to some of my friends, one of whom is female and is married to my other friend. She's now mad that I am going to my friends wedding because she will be there as a guest. I told her at most I will say Hi to her and that's it. Mind you, I never dated this female friend, she's married, I am not attracted to her at all... but instead, my wife hates her because she was "rude" to her at a work gathering which was probably because she knew my wife cheated on me and didn't think much of her. So now, if I go to my friends wedding, I am screwed. It will be a fight, it will be the silent treatment, for however many days it will just be hell. I'm glad she's making some right steps, trying to get help, finding medications to be on, and acknowledging she has a problem. We're getting somewhere. But I still feel in the back of mind mind that one day she will cheat on me again. I still feel that horrible, scary feeling that if I turn on a movie or a show, a woman will pop up on screen she won't like and get angry. Even at night when she goes to bed, and the kids asleep, I finally turn on the TV to relax and watch a show or a movie. As soon as I hear the door upstairs open, I immediately feel a cold sweat and extreme anxiety causing me to pause or turn off the TV. Well, I guess there's some progress, but I still feel like the only time I can relax and be myself is when she isn't home. When she is home I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, thinking twice about anything I say or do. I wish I understood why she acts this way. All it's doing is keeping a wall between us, and making me feel a lot less attracted to her as well. Hopefully there will be some progress as she continues the meds and as I continue therapy to try and understand how to live with this happening. Thank you for any feedback! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 I still feel in the back of mind mind that one day she will cheat on me again. And when she does, what will you do? Nothing? Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 What a depressing read. Her behavior would be bad enough as it is, but the fact that she acts like that despite being unfaithful to you in the past is just some real pot calling the kettle black stuff. In fact, I would suspect that's part of why she is so over the top with her jealousy. She's projecting her past behavior onto you. I guess it's good you've tried to set some boundaries, but given that nothing has changed on her end and she knows you're not prepared to leave over this, I would wager things will continue on miserably as you two remain unhealthily codependent. Just know that what you two have isn't love. Not real love. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 I had a relationship ten years ago, the lady in question probably the closest I have come to marriage, the vice was probably a little more serious than watching movies, it was that I enjoyed gambling money on horse racing, I am not your typical gambler believe it or not, I did actually win money at it, brought her on holidays with money that came from this, it got to the stage she wanted my passwords for my online betting accounts and she wanted to monitor my activities! I went along with this for a while, I stopped gambling then for nearly a year trying to go along with all she wanted, and then out of the blue she came along to say she had met an Australian and was going to live there, lol this did knock the stuffing out of me at the time , I am long over it now, but my lesson was I am done being a people pleaser, you will never please them anyway, so dont worry, enjoy your movies buddy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 (edited) Based on the following quotes: I decided to remove my instagram because I was so frightened what if I liked someone's post who was female? If so, then it could lead to a huge fight, ruining or day or possibly the entire week. I can try and justify I did nothing wrong, but to her, I did something awful. Now, she noticed my instagram was down, saying "I wasn't spying on you, I was just going on there to change my password" which I don't buy. Now, she's pissed I took down my instagram because of my fear. she has cheated on me three times. Once with someone online, once with someone at work and then a family friend. So now, if I go to my friends wedding, I am screwed. It will be a fight, it will be the silent treatment, for however many days it will just be hell. I still feel that horrible, scary feeling that if I turn on a movie or a show, a woman will pop up on screen she won't like and get angry. Even at night when she goes to bed, and the kids asleep, I finally turn on the TV to relax and watch a show or a movie. As soon as I hear the door upstairs open, I immediately feel a cold sweat and extreme anxiety causing me to pause or turn off the TV. I still feel like the only time I can relax and be myself is when she isn't home. When she is home I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, thinking twice about anything I say or do. I wish I understood why she acts this way. All it's doing is keeping a wall between us, and making me feel a lot less attracted to her as well. How sure are you about this? We are getting somewhere I know some people have said that I should leave the relationship, but it's not something I want to do. I'd rather find a way to fix things, as I have a family with my wife, and have been with her for 1/3rd of my life. Leaving an abusive relationship is a hard path to take; it's a difficult plan to put into place and execute, so no judgement here. If the above is a firm decision that you won't back away from and have made peace with for your own reasons, you will need to focus less on her and her 'progress' / how to appease her, and more on what you are getting from this relationship, and exactly why you are staying. If it's your kids, be the best parent you can; if it's religious reasons, hang on to your faith (you get the idea...). Both in my opinion and my personal experience, you need to become a bit more focused on self preservation from now on. I did leave an abusive marriage with 2 young kids, it did take years and a lot of support from family and friends (I am extremely fortunate in that regard, I realise that it might not be the case for everyone) so please also don't forget that it can be done whenever you are ready / when the kids are older, etc. I hope things get better for you and your family. Edited June 24, 2019 by littleblackheart Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 If I were you, I would tell her to. "**** off, I will watch whatever I want." Then do exactly that. Same here... I learned a long time ago, once you give someone an inch, they take a mile. I remember one woman giving me grief about something stupid, I took a "post-it" note and wrote "DOOR" on it and placed it on my front door. She asked me what was the note for. I told her "Apparently, you forgot where the door is, I'm just pointing out its location. If you don't like my actions, I suggest you use the item I just labeled for you." So OP... what does it feel like being a puppet, she pulls the strings and you jump and move. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 The saddest thing of all is that you taught your children how to be. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 The worst accusers are often people who cheat. They assume that your mindset (that if you get the chance, you will cheat) is the same as theirs and it says more about her than you. She sounds like she definitely needs to stay in therapy because this is past jealousy and into delusional. So don't stay with her unless she stays put in therapy and makes some progress. It will be misery. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 So OP... what does it feel like being a puppet, she pulls the strings and you jump and move. When was the last time you left an abusive marriage with kids, @HappyLemming? How does your story compare to OP's? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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