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Different attitudes in a relationship


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Old 13th October 2018, 4:41 PM   #1
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Different attitudes in a relationship

I'm not as active as some of the other posters on here, but I have noticed that many people on these forums have a "cut your losses" attitude when . I'm not saying it's bad or good, its just an observation (which could also be terribly off - like I said, I'm not always super active on these forums)

In my particular situation, I'm referring to a relationship in which one partner is very dramatic/prone to fits, and the other is perhaps not so much. I posted a thread the other day describing my dramatic gf, and many people recommended it was not a healthy relationship due to her behavior. However, one of the dating coaches I follow on youtube (men's dating) maintains that its not necessarily the drama that is unhealthy for a relationship, but rather how you yourself REACT to the drama. Eg, some guys can handle it, some guys can't, some guys don't want to, etc.

The coach maintains that some partners, for example, prefer relationships with less drama, as it shows the relationship is very compatible. Other partners may prefer more drama and more arguments - the reason being that each time an argument is resolved, the two grow closer, and the couple feels that the relationship is being nurtured and is growing.

I don't know if I'm describing it well, but like I said, a lot of people on this forum seems to prefer the 'non-dramatic' approach. That being said, I'm sure we all know many couples who get into conflict all the time, but are still together and super happy. What gives?

Curious to hear your guys' thoughts here.
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Old 13th October 2018, 5:10 PM   #2
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Part of the reason my relationship failed the last time, was that I discovered that my ex girlfriend would periodically blow up and question whether I love her or not, with these rants that occurred at random times at night. She would not respond to any sort of explanation, and instead said stuff that expressed she wasn't being heard. I started fearing her calling me back because she would frequently call at the same time my parents are calling, and she would wonder what bad things my parents were saying to me about her. After a while the conflict became more and more extreme, and I became an emotional doormat to such a degree that when I stood up for myself, she claimed that I wasn't the kind guy she used to know - which was classic gaslighting. My inner personality has always been to fight someone for stuff only when it counts (meaning save your life, argue against mistreatment in the workplace, etc etc), and other times be the calm nurturing bear with a sense of humor. Coming home to emotional landmines is totally against my core commandments, as I tried and failed to reason through with her. That's why I'm seeking out a mild mannered GF to marry. I've tried and failed in that journey.

Other stereotypically high social value people I've met, try to marry the soldier or firefighter for their toughness and perceived future strength as a man, and come to my hospital so stressed about their marriage, that they always have something to complain about and have various serious complaints about their partner (you can easily hear such conversations walking around the hospital). They try and fail to resolve conflict and eventually divorce, and I'm the one who is happiest in the end.

It's not that I fear conflict, I will show my bear attack side if I really have to, it's just that I reject emotional gaslighting and conflict with the prospect of reasoning through anything. Some other personalities around here love that kind of stuff so each to his/ her own.


I'm one of the people who said cut your losses - I sensed the posters were so bloody frustrated at the point they were asking for advice, that banging the head against the wall wasn't going to produce any new results. That's why I mentioned abort mission and move on.
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Old 13th October 2018, 5:23 PM   #3
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Separate the dram from how peop,e are picked

As the first responder posted he mention of women picking Herod....yes there is a group who fantasy is a fireman, police officer, or military person without looking at what a relationship needs.

What I’ve seen over the years are peop,e are driving by attraction and sex over substance. 5 yrs into a marriage the find out who the person is after that attraction wears off.

Peop,e need to have an idea of what will work for them going in before dating starts.

I would walk away from someone with sudden outbursts for no reason.
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Old 13th October 2018, 5:27 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Garcon1986 View Post
After a while the conflict became more and more extreme, and I became an emotional doormat to such a degree that when I stood up for myself, she claimed that I wasn't the kind guy she used to know - which was classic gaslighting. My inner personality has always been to fight someone for stuff only when it counts (meaning save your life, argue against mistreatment in the workplace, etc etc), and other times be the calm nurturing bear with a sense of humor. Coming home to emotional landmines is totally against my core commandments, as I tried and failed to reason through with her. That's why I'm seeking out a mild mannered GF to marry. I've tried and failed in that journey. <SNIP>

Thanks for the response. Gaslighting basically means to stir up drama with the intention of manipulation and/or creating a power gradient?

I just looked up the term on psychologytoday, and it seems dead on for my gf. Every. Single. Part.

So it seems that you are saying that its possible to be in a successful relationship with someone who gaslights? ("some people on these forums love that stuff") But also, that its not for you

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Old 13th October 2018, 5:31 PM   #5
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For some couples it is congruent to their emotional framework just as it is congruent to me to practice archery for fun. They grew up in it and think it is normal, but I bet if you pushed them, some aspect of them is yearning for a calmer life. I personally reject that life after having experienced it, and having grown up around mild mannered people.
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Old 13th October 2018, 6:22 PM   #6
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This forum is usually full of extreme cases. People come here due to "end of the tether" situations or "catastrophic" situations. They have often tried every other course of action and need someone to produce a "magic" solution or need someone to give them the courage to pull the plug.
The answer in order to maintain future sanity is often indeed "cut your losses and run", as "magic" solutions are usually very thin on the ground.
Of course people are then perfectly entitled to make their own mind up and frequently do, despite pleas to be realistic.
It is hard for them to hear that others think they are mad for putting up with it... and there is also the big complication to be considered - love...
Some people will put up with almost anything for what they perceive to be "love".
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Old 13th October 2018, 6:25 PM   #7
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No. That's not what gaslighting means. Gaslighting is when you act like the other person is too dramatic and crazy, when your partner is upset you make her out to be a nutjob and make her doubt her own sanity while you act calm and detached yourself, being superior to her.
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Old 13th October 2018, 6:30 PM   #8
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As elaine said, by the time people post on this forum they are at their wit's end. Yes, definitely, some people thrive on drama and/or volatility. But those that post here usually (not always) don't want the drama and are trying to figure out if it can be stopped without ending their relationship. And most of the time it's unlikely.
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Old 13th October 2018, 6:44 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Gretchen12 View Post
No. That's not what gaslighting means. Gaslighting is when you act like the other person is too dramatic and crazy, when your partner is upset you make her out to be a nutjob and make her doubt her own sanity while you act calm and detached yourself, being superior to her.

Exactly.
"This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home. When his wife points it out, he denies that the light changed."
Cheaters often do it, even in the face of irrefutable evidence.
They persuade the BS that nothing happened, that the spouse is imagining it, that they are crazy. Of course it works best in people who do not want to believe their spouse is cheating.
The recent news story in which a well known comedian was caught kissing his dancing partner on Strictly Come Dancing is a good example
When his long term partner confronted him about his behaviour he called her psycho, nuts and mental, despite there being video footage of the passionate kissing...
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Old 14th October 2018, 5:42 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
It is hard for them to hear that others think they are mad for putting up with it... and there is also the big complication to be considered - love...
Some people will put up with almost anything for what they perceive to be "love".
Yes, I agree. Heck, I've done it myself in my younger and less-experienced years.

There is difference between tempering one's reaction to a dramatic partner and their tantrums, and choosing to stay with someone who is toxic by searching out a confirmation bias.

People will look for all sorts of reasons and justifications to do the latter.
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