I feel smothered in my relationship

[Van Boxmeer]

How can I enjoy my life more? This question bothers me in recent months as I reached my first moment of stagnation in my life. I also feel I am about to make decisions that will dictate how my next 20 years will look like and I have no one to ask for advice in the real life. I am 30 years old male and until this year my life was full of events, good and bad. But overall I am happy with what I achieved and learned from my past mistakes. I come from Poland, but I have spent almost all my last 10 years abroad, including the last 6 in Luxembourg (a tiny country between Belgium, France and Germany).

 

Objectively speaking, I am not in a bad situation – I have a good, stable job (managerial position in a small company) in one of the wealthiest countries in the world – Luxembourg, I have enough time to do a side business (I trade stocks) that can give me some extra income and – more importantly – a set of skills needed to make it the only source of income sometime in the future. That’s a brief description of my professional situation.

 

My finances are good – I spend at most 40% of my income, the rest is invested with varying degree of success, but I consider all my mistakes a lesson that every investor has to learn – the sooner, the better (and cheaper). I have no debt and I do not need to increase my spending in order to be happier in life. The problem lies somewhere else and it is not in my so-called private life.

 

I am in a relationship for 10 months and we live together since June this year. I am not sure if I love my girlfriend though – there are days when I do, but on the other ones I don’t feel it at all. We tend to argue for meaningless reasons, at least from my perspective. She’s very jealous and sensitive to any form of criticism, which goes against my personality of loving personal freedom and accepting critique as a form of positive feedback. These are the most common causes of our disagreement.

 

The other problem is that she inherited a great deal of pessimism from her mother, while I am totally different – rather a cynical realist, but I believe that words are very powerful and fatalism is a very destructive feeling and can bring lots of problems to you and people around you. I therefore never got along well with pessimists and now – after realizing that my girlfriend has that tendency – have a problem getting along with her, denying her pessimists statements that I always did in my conversations with my parents in my teenage years.

 

The reason why I decided to be with her after more than a year of living a bachelor lifestyle and dating many girls is that we share similar life objective of creating a big family of at least three kids and being supportive and demanding parents. She’s fairly attractive (8/10 in my opinion) and intelligent, which means that she’ll be a good mother from a genetic point of view. I know that this may sound absurd to many of you, but I find it important and see that intelligence is a heritable trait.

 

It’s not my goal to show her in bad light and only point out the discrepancies between us. We both love spending time in nature, we prefer to live close to the forest rather than a city centre, we are physically active and both go to the gym on a regular basis, we also share similar political views, which seems to matter a lot these days. I see a great potential in her to create a household that is full of harmony and care, intellectually stimulating and worth coming back to after the whole day of work. But there are serious obstacles here to achieving that important life goal.

 

The other problem is that despite being with her and general life stability I miss my single life, when I used to meet new people very often and chatting girls up and getting their attention was very satisfying. The other advantage was that some of them had very interesting personalities that I could learn from in terms of new life habits, business opportunities, language and culture enrichment, etc. I feel especially down these days, because I spent the entire last two months introducing my girlfriend into the new country, people, etc. and I didn’t leave her alone, because everything in Luxembourg is new to her. Before moving she’s always lived in Poland and never lived abroad, even during her studies.

 

Is there any way to restore than joy of life in some way? The only thing that comes to my mind is that I need to start going out without my girlfriend and start meeting new people again. It sounds simple, but this will be a tough pill to swallow for my girlfriend – she would like to be a one organism with me and prefer to always go out together, which in my humble opinion is not healthy for the individuals and the relationship itself.

 

What is also important is the fact that my girlfriend is 29 years old and we both know that the time to start family is now, because her biological clock is ticking fast. It scares me a bit, because I know that taking care of children will probably consume all of my leisure time and I will be trapped between office and home with no options to entertain, travel and interact with other people. Sometimes I think that I should wait another 3-5 years and accumulate enough money to quit my job first and then think about being a family provider that has enough time and resources for that.

 

Thanks for reading this lengthy confession. I am ready to accept any constructive critique and will be grateful for any tips from those smarter and more experienced than me. I am also happy to provide more details on my situation if need be. I tried to be as honest and open as an introvert can be.

[Daniel95]

I've read all your story. You seem to be a really smart, independant man that has a lot of skills to survive on his own. My issue with your story is that it seems you didn't fall in love with your girlfriend. You chose your girlfriend. You are intelectually attracted to her and sexually but you don't seem to love her. You want to settle down but at the same time you don't mostly because you are not sure about your partner. You chose the best woman (in terms of qualities) in your social circle and mentally convinced yourself she is fit to give you kids. There are couples like this, they love their children, but despise each other.

 

You don't seem to be happy at all with this relationship, so I would recommend you to end it asap. Don't waste her time and yours.

[Whodatdog]

I dont see anything in your post where you want to settle down. Im thinking it would be a really bad mistake if you were to do that.

[bene]

You seem to be a very level headed and rational person. These are great qualities but I get the impression that you have approached dating the same way as business. She might tick the boxes in a checklist and there is nothing wrong with having certain preferences but if there is no love you can’t force a relationship. I think you know deep down that you don’t want to start a family with her and you’re looking for rational reasons to explain it to yourself. A relationship that’s under a year old is still in dating phase and if you already have doubts and feel stressed then this is what dating is for - to find out if you’re compatible. Moving to a new country together in this stage feels a bit like putting a cart before the horse. 30 is not an age where you need to settle for something that already now doesn’t feel right. But it is an age where neither of you should not waste time in a relationship that’s not right in the long perspective. Could it be a “sunk cost bias” that you feel that you can’t change your mind because you have already “invested” a lot with her moving between countries etc?

 

Did she move to another country only for you? In that case it’s natural that she wants your company because she left behind her own friends and acquaintances. I can see a lot of resentment building in her if your idea is to explore the new country separately from her and expect that she will build a social circle independently from you.

 

I think it’s crucial to be honest with yourself and her about how you really feel.

[GinON]

I agree with the others, and want to add, that as a man, your clock is not ticking. 40 or higher is fine, especially if you marry someone that is 10 yrs younger. You will be tired though, raising kids at 40+

 

I also want to say that perhaps you are old enough to marry the right person that is really FUN! Someone that you can go out with, have a great social life with, and have the freedom to go out with friends and still stay loyal to her because she turns you on. Once you have kids, you can travel and have a fun parenthood if you and your partner want that. My wife and I traveled the world with an infant and 2 year old. Its extra work but if you want that life, you can have it. Being in a family doesnt have to hold you back in terms of fun and excitement. Its different though!

 

So, its going to suck for your lady friend, but not as bad as it would be if you got married and had kids later.

 

Your analytical personae comes through to me as an avoidant attachment style. This would be good know for sure so that you are not finding yourself feeling this way with every serious relationship you get into.

It could also be Polish culture adding in the Northwestern European influence (including the linguistic styles) are different enough that your speech patterns (your English is excellent

btw

) can make you sound more analytical than you intend. My wife is 1/2 European and there are differences in thought patterns and language that take some explination at times.

But if you are this analytical in all relationships, you might have trouble feeling deeply about any woman long term. Its worth looking into.

[bathtub-row]

Liking many of the same things is only one portion of a relationship that makes it a whole. I think you need to stop wasting your time, and hers, and cut her loose. Her clock is ticking but, the truth is, women can have children fairly late in life. I don't recommend it, but it is possible. Jane Seymour had a child in her 50's. I had my first (and only) child when I was 32. Your gf has lots of years left to have kids but she now needs time to regroup and find someone new. Do everyone a favor here and end this now before any more time goes by.

 

Despite her looks and mind and other things, she just isn't the one for you for whatever reason. And, believe me, kids will demand so much of your time and life, you'll be shocked. Don't become an absent father just because you married someone you weren't all that into and you regret it. Find someone you really cherish and the rest will feel easier and less stifling.

[Mr. Lucky]

H we share similar life objective of creating a big family of at least three kids and being supportive and demanding parents. She’s fairly attractive (8/10 in my opinion) and intelligent, which means that she’ll be a good mother from a genetic point of view. I know that this may sound absurd to many of you, but I find it important and see that intelligence is a heritable trait.

 

While I might buy a car on this basis (looks good, has all the features I want). doesn't work for a life-partner and mother of your children. You need an emotional connection, a bond that helps weather life's many challenges.

 

Were you feeling this, you wouldn't be smothered, you'd be coupled. Big, big difference...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Van Boxmeer]

I've read all your story. You seem to be a really smart, independant man that has a lot of skills to survive on his own. My issue with your story is that it seems you didn't fall in love with your girlfriend. You chose your girlfriend. You are intelectually attracted to her and sexually but you don't seem to love her. You want to settle down but at the same time you don't mostly because you are not sure about your partner. You chose the best woman (in terms of qualities) in your social circle and mentally convinced yourself she is fit to give you kids. There are couples like this, they love their children, but despise each other.

 

You don't seem to be happy at all with this relationship, so I would recommend you to end it asap. Don't waste her time and yours.

 

 

That's a good point, I don't feel I fell in love with her, but on the other side I do not really believe that this can ever happen with anyone else. I am too cynical and rational to believe in love and I rather describe it as a series of temporary chemical reactions that make us feel good.

 

Your example of couples loving their children, but despising each other is very telling... I don’t fear ending up alone as much as being with a person that I cannot stand anymore and – for the sake of the children – cannot escape from.

[Van Boxmeer]

I dont see anything in your post where you want to settle down. Im thinking it would be a really bad mistake if you were to do that.

 

Unfortunately this can be true, at least not with this girl. She wants to be too close and does not give enough private space and is too suspicious about anything I do without her. I didn't feel like that in my previous relationship, so my pursuit of liberty and thoughts of ending this relationship is also a result of her behavior.

[Van Boxmeer]

You seem to be a very level headed and rational person. These are great qualities but I get the impression that you have approached dating the same way as business. She might tick the boxes in a checklist and there is nothing wrong with having certain preferences but if there is no love you can’t force a relationship. I think you know deep down that you don’t want to start a family with her and you’re looking for rational reasons to explain it to yourself. A relationship that’s under a year old is still in dating phase and if you already have doubts and feel stressed then this is what dating is for - to find out if you’re compatible. Moving to a new country together in this stage feels a bit like putting a cart before the horse. 30 is not an age where you need to settle for something that already now doesn’t feel right. But it is an age where neither of you should not waste time in a relationship that’s not right in the long perspective. Could it be a “sunk cost bias” that you feel that you can’t change your mind because you have already “invested” a lot with her moving between countries etc?

 

Did she move to another country only for you? In that case it’s natural that she wants your company because she left behind her own friends and acquaintances. I can see a lot of resentment building in her if your idea is to explore the new country separately from her and expect that she will build a social circle independently from you.

 

I think it’s crucial to be honest with yourself and her about how you really feel.

 

 

I am not concerned about my wasted time as much as about hers, she is a woman and she already told me several times that she would already have had kids had she met the right guy and not *******s she had been with (sorry if mixed tenses here, I am not a native speaker).

 

It was only her moving to another country as I live outside my home country for almost 10 years straight. It is true that she did it for me, but she always wanted to try living abroad and it is not a big deal for someone from Poland, where many young people left the country for better career and life prospects.

 

Being open and honest with her on this subject is harder than it sounds, because she is very fragile and gets offended easily. I must admit that I cannot be really frank with her about my thoughts and some of the ideas, because I know that her reaction would be bad and it would make her suffer, and that's something I don't want. I even think that it's OK that I do not share a lot of my ideas with her and keep it for myself, but in the long term it can be mentally devastating.

[Van Boxmeer]

I agree with the others, and want to add, that as a man, your clock is not ticking. 40 or higher is fine, especially if you marry someone that is 10 yrs younger. You will be tired though, raising kids at 40+

 

I also want to say that perhaps you are old enough to marry the right person that is really FUN! Someone that you can go out with, have a great social life with, and have the freedom to go out with friends and still stay loyal to her because she turns you on. Once you have kids, you can travel and have a fun parenthood if you and your partner want that. My wife and I traveled the world with an infant and 2 year old. Its extra work but if you want that life, you can have it. Being in a family doesnt have to hold you back in terms of fun and excitement. Its different though!

 

So, its going to suck for your lady friend, but not as bad as it would be if you got married and had kids later.

 

Your analytical personae comes through to me as an avoidant attachment style. This would be good know for sure so that you are not finding yourself feeling this way with every serious relationship you get into.

It could also be Polish culture adding in the Northwestern European influence (including the linguistic styles) are different enough that your speech patterns (your English is excellent

btw

) can make you sound more analytical than you intend. My wife is 1/2 European and there are differences in thought patterns and language that take some explination at times.

But if you are this analytical in all relationships, you might have trouble feeling deeply about any woman long term. Its worth looking into.

 

 

The last part is spot on. Poles and Northern Europeans in general sound very analytical, because this is how our languages are constructed - we give very concise answers when it comes to feelings. But I am also afraid I am too analytical in relationship and it can bring both good and bad outcomes. In my case it is a protective layer that prevents me from marrying the wrong person. I also do not want to get hurt like I was at the end of my previous long relationship - I just don't want to let it happen again.

 

Of course I agree that time is not ticking for me, but it does for my lady friend and luckily she is also aware of that. Caring about this fact means that I am not too egoistic and still have feelings:p

[Van Boxmeer]

Liking many of the same things is only one portion of a relationship that makes it a whole. I think you need to stop wasting your time, and hers, and cut her loose. Her clock is ticking but, the truth is, women can have children fairly late in life. I don't recommend it, but it is possible. Jane Seymour had a child in her 50's. I had my first (and only) child when I was 32. Your gf has lots of years left to have kids but she now needs time to regroup and find someone new. Do everyone a favor here and end this now before any more time goes by.

 

Despite her looks and mind and other things, she just isn't the one for you for whatever reason. And, believe me, kids will demand so much of your time and life, you'll be shocked. Don't become an absent father just because you married someone you weren't all that into and you regret it. Find someone you really cherish and the rest will feel easier and less stifling.

 

 

I don't want to be an absent father, my father left 3 other children before he married my mom and he stayed with us until he died. After his death I contacted his children and they did not have the best opinion of him, mainly because he cut the contact with them completely (willingly or forcibly).

 

I believe we could have a great family and would love our kids, but I would be missing the other life, the one I have never had with someone else. I want to avoid that, because that feeling of emptiness can be easily transferred onto other family members. I would also be under a great pressure of cheating her as we get older and more bored of each other.

[Van Boxmeer]

While I might buy a car on this basis (looks good, has all the features I want). doesn't work for a life-partner and mother of your children. You need an emotional connection, a bond that helps weather life's many challenges.

 

Were you feeling this, you wouldn't be smothered, you'd be coupled. Big, big difference...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I wish it was possible, but I have recently studied relationship psychology (e.g. Esther Perel's interviews) and heard that it is very rare to marry someone that is our friend. In fact, it is a rare privilege only for the lucky ones and most people demand too much from their significant ones - your partner cannot be your lover, ideal parent, business partner and friend in one person. We also tend to idealize relationship thanks to entertainment industry (think Disney cartoons), while the reality for thousand years was rather different... what do you think of that?

[BaileyB]

I wish it was possible, but I have recently studied relationship psychology (e.g. Esther Perel's interviews) and heard that it is very rare to marry someone that is our friend. In fact, it is a rare privilege only for the lucky ones and most people demand too much from their significant ones - your partner cannot be your lover, ideal parent, business partner and friend in one person. We also tend to idealize relationship thanks to entertainment industry (think Disney cartoons), while the reality for thousand years was rather different... what do you think of that?

 

See, and I think the best relationships are based on a very solid friendship. I believe that is what sustains a relationship through the tough times and is the basis for companionship, in the later years of life. When I look at long term relationships that have succeeded in my social world, there is a solid friendship that exists, in addition to the physical attraction/relationship. It is certainly true in my relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

In fact, it is a rare privilege only for the lucky ones ... what do you think of that?

 

I think I'd work very hard to be one of the lucky ones. I may not passionately love my wife of 30 years every minute, but it's a rare day I don't like her.

 

I think you're underestimating how hard it is to endure without that connection...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chilli]

Didn't read it all but enough and sadly l know the story.

The many things people have pointed out are big things , huge in time, believe me, but they'll be even bigger in 5yrs time when your up to your neck in this with kids and you don't wanna be feeling like this with your children involved.

And most importantly right now for all that in the future if there was one thing alone, is that your not in love with her, in love is a huge emotion you can't miss it.

You love her most of the time but your not in love with her.

One suggestion , is there any way you can just get away on your own for a week or two to clear your head and get perspective before doing anything else ?

Might be a good idea .

[Van Boxmeer]

One suggestion , is there any way you can just get away on your own for a week or two to clear your head and get perspective before doing anything else ?

Might be a good idea .

 

Sorry to hear about your relationship problems. I can only imagine how tough it is to know that quitting that is not an option if you don't want to involve children.

 

Thanks for the suggestion however - yes, I sometimes take few days off without each other, but these are usually just long weekends or 1-2 days business trips. A bit too short to clear your head out, especially if you're flooded with work and other activities.

[MountainGirl111]

If you are feeling smothered now, just think how smothered you would after starting a family and being tied down with kids and a wife. A relationship leading up to a more permanent commitment with someone should not feel smothering in the formation stages. This is a huge red flag. It doesn't sound like you really love her. You might like how she looks on paper. But there is so much more to a person that is NOT on paper. How would you like it if she were analyzing you like that and married you mainly because you would make a certain amount of income and have a certain amount of status? i know a former professional football player who is much happier with his second wife. Do you want to know why? He said she really loves him for WHO he IS, not WHAT he is.

[preraph]

You don't love your girlfriend so you need to break up with her. The rest of your life is great. Enjoy single life a while longer and free her to find someone who is ready to start a family.

[Whodatdog]

I know of many many great relationships where the people have been married for a long time, and are each other's best friend. It happens frequently, but you have to be open to it. When you get married, you need to marry your best friend. Its not as hard as you are making it out to be. You just need to find the right person. When you do, its easy.

[Arris]

You guys don't sound like a bad pair. Seems to me you're having a hard time transitioning into a 'we'. Any relationship you get into you're going to have that transition.

Some of the things you say about her, like jealousy, do you give her reasons to behave as such? Is it full rage jealousy or is it the kind that just says she's worried about you? Many people label things more intently if something irritates them, but it may not be all that bad. Sometimes you start looking for excuses.

It's good to know who you are, but in any relationship you have to let go of certain things. You have to put yourself out there and maybe become a little vulnerable. You might not feel love until you learn your single days are over, that part is up to you.

Having kids are a blessing, enjoy the time and enjoy them. They really grow fast and are gone before you know it.

[spiderowl]

I don't get the feeling you are in love with your girlfriend. You do seem to care about her a bit, or want to avoid hurting her, but do not seem to have much empathy for her.

 

The thing that strikes me is that you say she is pessimistic. This is unlikely to change. Once you two have children, the pressure will be on. I feel this is almost like an arranged marriage rather than a love affair or best friends situation. I do know where you are coming from though because I have become more wary and 'rational' about choosing a partner now that I am older. I know that minor issues will grow into bigger ones in the long term. Younger people tend to be wildly optimistic about how things will pan out.

 

I hate to say break up with her, but you do not seem to feel much for her. You want freedom. She could have a chance of finding someone who truly loves her and could not contemplate life without her.

 

Finally, one thing to think about is how would you feel if she wasn't there - if, for example, she decided to end the relationship? It is easy to take someone for granted when you feel you are the one who is making the choices. How would you feel if she made the choice to move on without you? Having said that, I would be surprised if she were happy in this relationship. She can probably sense your doubts and your dislike of her essential nature.

 

Good luck with weighing up all the answers on here!

Edited November 1, 2018 by spiderowl

[MountainGirl111]

My advice? Go for the "who", not the "what". And by that I mean, do you really know WHO this person is? Do you and her really get what makes the other one tick? I've seen more couples fall into lackluster relationships because they somehow have missed or forgotten or neglected this important side of things. I've heard more husbands and wives talk over their partner or talk for their partner or assume they know what their partner would want and miss the mark on that and then the other partner feels "so misunderstood" and start to seek out validation and understanding from others which leads them astray. Don't do this to each other. If it's not right it's not right and you know the difference.