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How BIG a deal is “pleasing” your S.O.?


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Hello all. I’ve seen lots of posts within threads that eventually lead to the fact of someone not being pleased with intimacy. It could be anything from touching, cuddling and the actual act of sex. We don’t all communicate our needs to our significant other though, when are needs are not being met. I’ve had experience with this topic. I wasn’t the best communicator about not being “pleased” and I sometimes blame myself for lots of stuff now. My questions are:

 

  • Is touching or cuddling interchangeable with sex in YOUR relationship?
  • If you’re happy or not with the intimacy, do you communicate that your significant other? How?
  • What would you do if you found out that after a few years, your significant other hasn’t EVER climaxed with you?
  • MEN: How important is it to YOU, that you PLEASE(in bed) the woman you’ve been pursuing for almost 2 years?

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It’s pretty important to me. And for most of the guys I’ve dated+ ex fiancé, they been very concerned with me being pleased in bed.

 

Other affection is just as important though, IMO.

 

There were a few times that I didn’t have a happy ending with my ex fiancé and he questioned me afterward. After it happened(didn’t happen) like t ice he questioned me... as if to say what’s wrong? Why are you not climaxing? He was a very outspoken communicator though. Very alpha and actually over the top sometimes. I did appreciate and respect him asking though. He never came out and asked if I’d been seeing someone else, but he probably thought it especially after I left him and came back when we broke up once then got back together ... then broke up for good.

 

If I found out my significant other wasn’t happy with our sex life after almost 2 years, I’d wonder why he’d still be seeing me or I’d think he really loves me or I’d be certain he was sleeping with someone else all along to get him off... come on. I’m female though. Not sure what a guy might feel about that...

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  • Is touching or cuddling interchangeable with sex in YOUR relationship?
     
    Compatible with, yes. Interchangeable, no.

     
  • If you’re happy or not with the intimacy, do you communicate that your significant other? How?
     
    Well...we talk...
     
     
  • What would you do if you found out that after a few years, your significant other hasn’t EVER climaxed with you?
     
    Since we wouldn't have made it to the 2-yr point unless the sex was good for both of us, hard to see how this could happen
     
     
  • MEN: How important is it to YOU, that you PLEASE(in bed) the woman you’ve been pursuing for almost 2 years?
     
    As important as it is deriving pleasure myself. Can't have one without the other.
     
     

 

What's really going on here?

 

Mr. Lucky

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What's really going on here?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

In another thread I discussed a recent issue where I climaxed with my guy for the first time ever in almost 2 years. We’ve been off and on and not a really exclusive relationship, IMO. But hea made comments to make me feel like my communication with him isn’t the best or enough. In some ways I wasn’t motivated and I told him something like, it was mainly because we don’t really feel like more than like FWBs . He basically said he wanted to hear from me more, yet and still I wasn’t convinced.

 

FFWD... 2 weeks ago m, I climaxed w/him for the first time. Afterward, while in bed we both say it was GOOD! I turn to him and say, “hun! That was the first time I climaxed ..with you. That was amazing.” After that he acted a bit weird the next day. Saying how my jokes are sometimes serious statements,etc. bmBut he couldn’t give me specific examples(he had selective memory).

 

So basically I feel like we’re fading , more so him. Contributing factor being him thinking: “all this time she wasn’t happy in bed, I KNOW she must’ve been messing around with another dude to get fully pleasured. Well yeah it’s kind of true. BUT... we weren’t exclusive and he hasn’t been the best communicator either. (There was already an issue that happened when I went on a business trip last year with some female and male colleagues. I sent him a pic with some guy in the bkground but I though I’d faded him out mostly with some added words and graphics). So it’s kind of messy right now and kind of not. I told him I missed him a few nights ago and he texted back he missed me too but that’s it. I guess I should just brace myself to not hear much from him now or anymore ...ever. I think it’s just over and can’t be saved deep down...

Edited by luvflower
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It’s pretty important to me. And for most of the guys I’ve dated+ ex fiancé, they been very concerned with me being pleased in bed.

 

Other affection is just as important though, IMO.

 

There were a few times that I didn’t have a happy ending with my ex fiancé and he questioned me afterward. After it happened(didn’t happen) like t ice he questioned me... as if to say what’s wrong? Why are you not climaxing? He was a very outspoken communicator though. Very alpha and actually over the top sometimes. I did appreciate and respect him asking though. He never came out and asked if I’d been seeing someone else, but he probably thought it especially after I left him and came back when we broke up once then got back together ... then broke up for good.

 

If I found out my significant other wasn’t happy with our sex life after almost 2 years, I’d wonder why he’d still be seeing me or I’d think he really loves me or I’d be certain he was sleeping with someone else all along to get him off... come on. I’m female though. Not sure what a guy might feel about that...

 

Yeah I pretty much agree with you. It’s just that I’m the one who wasn’t being pleased and so I think the guy I’m seeing/ was seeing thinks that because I had never climaxed in almost 2 years of seeing each other, that that’s the reason I was kind of distant to him .

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I turn to him and say, “hun! That was the first time I climaxed ..with you. That was amazing.”

 

I probably would have phrased that nice thought in some way that left out the "with you" part...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I probably would have phrased that nice thought in some way that left out the "with you" part...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Wow....yea...

 

So it’s probably done then...? I texted him 2 nights ago am saying I missed him. He texted back saying he missed me too but I feel like anything moving forward will be motivated by his resentment toward me. Meaning, he probably won’t reach out as much. Feeling like I call him cool. If I don’t , then I just don’t and he’ll try to forget about me.

 

That’s what I’d do if I were in his shoes.

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Yeah, it was a really awful thing for you to say. You could have said "wow, that was unbelievable!" but instead you said "that was the first time I climaxed with you in two years"

 

I can understand why he's written you off.

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l don't please as you put it , anyone, it goes both ways, it's not just any "one's" responsibility or privilege .

Or to put it this way , she's as important to me as l am to her.

You want more , be more yourself.

And communicate , have fun.

Edited by Chilli
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Yeah, it was a really awful thing for you to say. You could have said "wow, that was unbelievable!" but instead you said "that was the first time I climaxed with you in two years"

 

I can understand why he's written you off.

 

I called myself being open and giving him praise. In no way was I trying to be funny , sarcastic or anything. Honestly, I don’t know why I said it. I was upbeat and happy when saying it though... I just wanted to let him know that indeed I was PLEASED!

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I can understand why he's written you off.

 

Furthermore, I’m not sure that he’s written me off. A few days after, he sent me this sweet song via iTunes. It was a sensual type song. I was so excited bcuz I had been thinking of him alll day so I responded absolutely positive to the song and he was happy in return when I said how much I appreciated the song.

 

Anyhoo, he said he missed me too after I texted him I missed him 2 days ago. So i hope he hasn’t “written me off”.

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I called myself being open and giving him praise. In no way was I trying to be funny , sarcastic or anything. Honestly, I don’t know why I said it. I was upbeat and happy when saying it though... I just wanted to let him know that indeed I was PLEASED!

 

 

Errrr... that's some pretty ****ty praise, lol. I mean, how would you feel if the guy said, "Hon, that was the first time in 2 years that I thought you looked beautiful!"?? :eek:

 

 

I understand accidentally saying something completely tactless and unfiltered, but you can't really be too upset about someone reacting negatively to it.

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Furthermore, I’m not sure that he’s written me off. A few days after, he sent me this sweet song via iTunes. It was a sensual type song. I was so excited bcuz I had been thinking of him alll day so I responded absolutely positive to the song and he was happy in return when I said how much I appreciated the song.

 

Anyhoo, he said he missed me too after I texted him I missed him 2 days ago. So i hope he hasn’t “written me off”.

 

One sappy song doesn't mean anything when your overall impression is that he's fading away.

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Ok ok... I get it. I effed up . He’s not perfect though. I just didn’t wanna come in here calling out his faults. Although some of them are described in my previous thread.

 

I do feel bad though and I don’t even feel right addressing it now, unless of course the moment is right. Thus far , there have been no GOOD moments that won’t come across as EXTREMELY awkward and out of the blue and just ...late.

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One sappy song doesn't mean anything when your overall impression is that he's fading away.

 

And we’ve been texting a bit today. In spite of this dumb situation, our chemistry is ridiculous when we’re in our element together or via phone. This was a really big bump in the road though, I’ll admit.

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Errrr... that's some pretty ****ty praise, lol. I mean, how would you feel if the guy said, "Hon, that was the first time in 2 years that I thought you looked beautiful!"?? :eek:

 

 

I understand accidentally saying something completely tactless and unfiltered, but you can't really be too upset about someone reacting negatively to it.

 

I see what you’re saying. Thanks.

 

I’m not angry-upset, but I am confused-upset.

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You both have the right to feel the way you feel. And it’s up to you whether you choose to move forward with this guy.

 

I’ve read some of your other thread, not in it’s entirety though. I can sense that both of you could do better at communicating. Yep, you’re probably both seeing other people in spare time and that’s to be expected if there’s no commitment.

 

But... if either of you are serious about making things work, I’m sure you’ll find a way.

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I see what you’re saying. Thanks.

 

I’m not angry-upset, but I am confused-upset.

 

Which bit confuses you?

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Men take it as personal failure if you don't climax, and they shouldn't as long as there's communication. Women (and men) can't climax all the time. Sometimes, yes, it's they're not hitting the spot long enough, but sometimes it's lasting too long and you just run out of juice, or you hold back trying to get in sync or whatever. People need to relax about it.

 

If you masturbate, you should know what works for you and if it's not happening, just show them. But everyone should know there are other components besides the physical and everyone isn't going to have all the planets aligned every day or every time, period.

 

When training anyone, whether it's a toddler or a dog or a lover, it's one pretty simple rule: Praise good behavior, and give positive attention to good behavior. I think every woman has faked it before either because she isn't in the mood or because it's early in the relationship (and we all know how well men take the news). But you're just shooting yourself in the foot if you don't take some time and see if your man will change it up and linger longer where you tell him it feels good or move him off an area where there's no sensation.

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Which bit confuses you?

I think I’m mostly confused about why it even matters if we’re not in a committed relationship. We’re both sensual people, even if I don’t always want to have actual inner course.

 

He once told me he was a bit frustrated with me being out of town but I feel like he’s bluffing, all just to have me “wide open” and willing, whenever I am in town. If I sound far fetched plz just let me know. However, that’s how I feel. Ive shared with him that he sometimes seems like he’s mainly concerned with sex. He denied it of course. Not sure how many men will be honest about only wanting sex unless they’re married and sometimes not even then. So because I’ve felt this way, I think subconsciously I hold him at a distance.

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Men take it as personal failure if you don't climax, and they shouldn't as long as there's communication. Women (and men) can't climax all the time. Sometimes, yes, it's they're not hitting the spot long enough, but sometimes it's lasting too long and you just run out of juice, or you hold back trying to get in sync or whatever. People need to relax about it.

 

If you masturbate, you should know what works for you and if it's not happening, just show them. But everyone should know there are other components besides the physical and everyone isn't going to have all the planets aligned every day or every time, period.

 

When training anyone, whether it's a toddler or a dog or a lover, it's one pretty simple rule: Praise good behavior, and give positive attention to good behavior. I think every woman has faked it before either because she isn't in the mood or because it's early in the relationship (and we all know how well men take the news). But you're just shooting yourself in the foot if you don't take some time and see if your man will change it up and linger longer where you tell him it feels good or move him off an area where there's no sensation.

 

Thanks for this. Good feedback and so true about giving positive feedback! And yeah , men place lots of value on climaxing I guess. Thing is, as frustrated as Get when feeling like he values sex (me climaxing) too much, I shouldn’t be too upset. I used to see a guy for mainly sex... and I knew it. He never cared about me climaxing as long as he “got his”.

 

I think I get more CONFUSED wondering if he really likes me or if he’s faking as if this matters... if I matter...

 

And I do masturbate frequently. I know exactly how to please myself and I typically am able to climax with guys I’m seeing more often than not. However, the guy I’m discussed in the thread feels like he’s so into sometimes that I used to not want to interrupt his enjoyment.

 

The last time we were together though it was more intense and our sexual energy was so strong that everything just flowed ~~~ It really was amazing. I’m kind of a stoic when I speak sometimes so men(he) dont always know how to take me or my seriousness vs. my humor.... and I know this. He’s told me.

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I don’t think it’s about whether he likes you. Maybe considering trying to consider if anything, whether he’s patient enough to deal with not being able to please you as often as I’m sure he’s like. On top of that, you hadn’t communicated the fact so that he could’ve helped make things more pleasurable for the both of you.

 

Just a thought.

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I think I’m mostly confused about why it even matters if we’re not in a committed relationship. We’re both sensual people, even if I don’t always want to have actual inner course.

 

He once told me he was a bit frustrated with me being out of town but I feel like he’s bluffing, all just to have me “wide open” and willing, whenever I am in town. If I sound far fetched plz just let me know. However, that’s how I feel. Ive shared with him that he sometimes seems like he’s mainly concerned with sex. He denied it of course. Not sure how many men will be honest about only wanting sex unless they’re married and sometimes not even then. So because I’ve felt this way, I think subconsciously I hold him at a distance.

 

If you are comfortable keeping him at a distance and having hookups with him, it doesn't matter if you're not in a committed relationship. Just don't make the mistake of imagining that he wants a relationship with you.

 

If he wanted a relationship, he'd snap you up so that nobody else could get you. And vice versa: you'd make sure that he knew you were committed to him only.

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If you are comfortable keeping him at a distance and having hookups with him, it doesn't matter if you're not in a committed relationship. Just don't make the mistake of imagining that he wants a relationship with you.

 

If he wanted a relationship, he'd snap you up so that nobody else could get you. And vice versa: you'd make sure that he knew you were committed to him only.

 

True.

 

And in terms of hookups. I’d rather have more than just hookups, although I’m not sure if he’s who I’d want to be in a relationship with. ~~~For that reason, I keep him at a distance~~~ which doesn’t allow me to “mistakingly assume he wants a relationship with me”. It can be tricky though.

 

That’s my main point. I guess I just needed to hear posts like yours to see if I’M the one who’s tripping.

 

If he invested more, I’d give more. If his “size” was a bit larger, I’d probably climax more... yada yada yada.

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