Lost

[Troubled1987]

Hi everyone, im new here, im male 31 years old living in the uk, i have been with my partner for 6 years but have known her for around 10 years, at first our relationship was great we did stuff together all the time, the sex life was great etc to, as things progressed it slowed down which is normal we both work hard to so we were always tired.

 

Anyway over the last two years we have slowly been growing apart, i suffer from depression and it has a massive effect on my life, right now im in a very dark place and i need someone to just talk to, i feel like my life is falling apart, we never have sex prob 3-4 times a year if that, shes out with her girlfriends pretty much all the time i never get invited like i used to, i moved city and gave up all my friends to be with her so i struggle with friends admitidly and she knows this i have told her before i feel lonely and have no one to talk to and she brushes my feeling off as rubbish.

 

When she is home we sit in the same room but we dont really talk we sit on seperate sofas and either watch tv or she has her head in her phone playing an app or texting the girls whatsapp groups so she says....

 

The thing is last year she was texting an old ‘friend’ she said it was friendly chat but refused to show me the messages and deleted them, we argued but i just couldnt walk away and stayed 6 years is a long time to throw away over something i didnt know for sure and i have put it to the back of my mind and dont let it bother me.

 

I dont think she is cheating as i do pick her up fron her friends houses when she goes there and her friends are quite against cheating and i genuinly think they would tell me we all get on really well with her boy mates and girlmates, but theres something not right, i feel she is pulling away from me and living her life on her own terms without me whilst im sat at home lonely i really dont know what to do about it iv just had enough.

 

FYI: the last time we went out was our anniversary i brought her to her favourite restaurant and brought her a card and flowers and a present i got a thanks not even a kiss or a hug, she got me nothing in return (i wasnt expecting anything but a card would hve been nice or atleast a text).

 

Anyway any advise on what i should do would be appreciated i feel pretty lost at the moment.

[preraph]

It sounds like she has checked out. Is your depression due to her becoming distant -- or is it the cause of why she has given up? I think from what you said that it is ongoing. I know how this can affect you and make you not want to do things and isolate, but it sounds like you would like more activity. Are you willing to go out more, or did she stop asking you because you didn't want to go?

 

The first thing is you must deal with your depression. Are you under the care of a psychiatrist and on meds and getting therapy, or are you refusing to do something about it? I ask because nothing will make someone give up on a person sooner than if the person refuses to help themselves and work to fix their problems. So my first question and advice is be continually working with a psychiatrist to help your depression. There are hundreds of drugs for it, and combinations. What doesn't work on one person will work on the next just fine. You can't just try one and say, Well, this isn't working, so I don't take them. You have to keep going back to the psychiatrist and report your feelings, your symptoms, any side effects and wait the recommended time to let it begin to work, which can be two days or two months depending on the med. Then if it doesn't work, you let the doc change it. But you always follow instructions.

 

You find out if your depression is chemical-related or if your depression is situational or something from your childhood and you work on that in therapy.

 

Until you have yourself right, you certainly can't really do anything about her checking out. You could start inviting her to go out more often and do something you know SHE likes to do, whether it's a spa or going to the zoo or to get ice cream. Don't wait for her to invite you. If you've not been having sex, don't expect a birthday or special occasion to change that. With all your other problems aside, this does happen in a lot of marriages after awhile. And if you're depressed a lot, bottom line, that isn't sexy, so you need to show her that you are doing everything to get back to who you are without depression. Again, she can't fix you.

 

Yes, there are some depressions that can't be fixed, but overall, it's usually an improvable situation if you follow doctor's orders. Get yourself right. Once you feel you're improved, if that alone doesn't change her a bit, both of you go to counseling to see if the marriage can be saved. Good luck. I know it's hard to change and be proactive when you're depressed, but you have to make yourself.