If you knew your longterm partner settled for you, would you be okay with that?

[Hopeful30]

I see some couples where one partner settled for the other (for whatever reason). I suspect some of these partners know, but obviously there's no way to ask.

 

If your longterm partner settled for you, would it matter? Lets say youre not 25 with tons of options and a life ahead of you, would you be okay being settled for?

[Woggle]

Not at all. For a man especially there is almost no bigger loss than being the settle guy. I love having a wife who in no way settled for me but if I had to make the choice I would rather be the player who she couldn't tame than the lame she settled for.

[PRW]

Sure I would be fine with it. It tells me that they came to their senses and realized what they thought would be settling was really marrying up

Edited September 26, 2018 by PRW

[Roadrunner234]

Nobody with an ego would be ok with that. Still, it happens with most people to some extent, I believe. Just nobody would admit it. But when you see a decent person having a series of rocky relationships and then suddenly marries someone random after 3 months or has a child - yep, they settled for something secure after series of insecurities.

[kendahke]

I see some couples where one partner settled for the other (for whatever reason). I suspect some of these partners know, but obviously there's no way to ask.

 

If your longterm partner settled for you, would it matter? Lets say youre not 25 with tons of options and a life ahead of you, would you be okay being settled for?

 

I'd prefer that they didn't choose this--I'd prefer that they keep it moving if this is the case. I can't see any good that can come out of settling for who/what you really don't want just to keep from being alone.

 

I'd rather be actually alone than to be in a relationship with someone who settled for me and feeling alone in that.

[PRW]

The problem with the question is the assumption that the person doing the choosing (and settling) was all knowing and infallible and accurately and precisely determined what kind of partner was correct for them. While the truth is that people tend to be arrogate, self-absorbed, entitled, and think they deserve more than they really deserve. Then reality smacks them in the face and they end up with someone (hopefully) that is truly more proper for them as a partner.

[Hopeful30]

I'd prefer that they didn't choose this--I'd prefer that they keep it moving if this is the case. I can't see any good that can come out of settling for who/what you really don't want just to keep from being alone.

 

I'd rather be actually alone than to be in a relationship with someone who settled for me and feeling alone in that.

 

When people settle, its usually for the next best thing, not something they dont want lol

[Hopeful30]

The problem with the question is the assumption that the person doing the choosing (and settling) was all knowing and infallible and accurately and precisely determined what kind of partner was correct for them. While the truth is that people tend to be arrogate, self-absorbed, entitled, and think they deserve more than they really deserve. Then reality smacks them in the face and they end up with someone (hopefully) that is truly more proper for them as a partner.

 

Ive also noticed that after a "big love", most people end up settling down with the next person they date.

[PRW]

Ive also noticed that after a "big love", most people end up settling down with the next person they date.

 

 

A "big love" that was one sided,...which humbled them when it failed.

[Hopeful30]

A "big love" that was one sided,...which humbled them when it failed.

 

Perhaps! I suppose unrequited love isnt such a bad thing after all

[central]

I think it would depend on how she treats me. If she chose me and is all-in on the relationship, treating me lovingly, and we have a good and active sex life, then it would not matter. Perhaps she would have preferred someone else in the beginning, but they didn't feel the same. We all have to compromise to some degree, I think.

 

However, if she feels she settled and because of that has not gone all-in on making it a great relationship, so that I can tell that she is not as loving or sexual as she should be in a good relationship, then I'd have no hesitation in dumping her.

 

I dumped my ex-wife. She wasn't into me, as evidenced by an increasingly sexless marriage.

 

I found a better one! Even after many years, we are very into each other and delighted to be together. We are not perfect, and never were, but we had no hesitation choosing each other and putting everything into the relationship to make it good for us both.

[kendahke]

When people settle, its usually for the next best thing, not something they dont want lol

 

The next best thing, by definition, is not the #1 choice.

 

Either you're in it 100% or you're 0. Half-a$$ed is the same as 0 for me.

[Hopeful30]

The next best thing, by definition, is not the #1 choice.

 

Either you're in it 100% or you're 0. Half-a$$ed is the same as 0 for me.

 

To each their own I suppose. Ive not found my #1 but still gave 120% in all my relationships.

[preraph]

I feel like two of my ex-bfs settled after we broke up, for different reasons. One wanted kids but I feel he loved me, but I certainly wasn't the practical choice. I doubt he has any regrets. He has a nice family. And another one was clear he wanted me, but it was not only bad timing but also I'd been friends with him too long to adjust. He married his 2nd choice who was real aggressive coming after him shortly after I broke up with him, and it's lasted a long time, but she seems really nutty and doesn't work or anything and isn't the least bit attractive. So he settled, but he's just happier with someone than without, and I assume by how long it's been that they've found happiness. But she knows he settled and glares at me if I'm ever out somewhere she is, which is fortunately rarely.

[Lotsgoingon]

Tricky question ... because frankly, we all settle ... almost all the time.

 

By settle I mean choose the best option that seems available to us.

 

Well, we go to a job ... and we look around ... and well ... none of the people seem like the perfect friend for us .. but ... then we do something ... we say to ourselves, "who looks most approachable?"... Or we ask, "who looks least like a jerk?"

 

Then we approach the person who seems most approachable ... I don't know ... 50 percent of the time, this person turns out to be a wonderful coworker friend ... and as soon as the person becomes a wonderful coworker or friend, we don't care that we "settled." We forget that we chose to approach them because the others seemed less friendly. In fact, we credit ourselves for making a good friend/coworker!

 

Now maybe you mean something else by settling. Perhaps you mean someone marries another person ... even though they're not crazy about that other person ... because they want to get married and maybe start a family. And their attitude is this guy/this woman will due. So let's do it!

 

Is that what you mean?

 

Again, people can settle and find themselves spectacularly happy with the person they end up with ... because it's impossible of course to really know people before hanging out with them for a while.

 

But say more.

[todreaminblue]

it depends on what definition of settle you use....a couple of definitions of settle i would prefer to think of are these:

 

to come to rest, as from flight:

(A bird settled on a bough.)

 

to gather, collect, or become fixed in a particular place, direction, etc.:

 

to become calm or composed :

 

to come to rest :to settle down.....

 

all these defs have a common thread of rest ...peace...stability....composed and of having togetherness......

 

to settle to me is how you calm someone if they are agitated...and out of control...or lost and confused ...you calm them settle them down......to settle down....

 

to settle doesnt have to be negative...there are many positive things about settling....

 

 

and i think if you use settle followed by with instead of for its an entirely different connotation....again there's that togetherness of.... with.....

 

 

whatever way you look at it...settling with someone by my opinion.....shouldn't be because you don't think you can't do any better...but because you are better "with" that person.

 

for..... to me contrives forced(going to look up for defs now and find the origin and context)....

 

for...seems forced to make that choice due to limitations.......maybe that's weird how i feel and seems a bit twisted...but....so be it.. I never will be straight up and down...:0)...deb

Edited September 26, 2018 by todreaminblue

[kendahke]

There are way too many posts on this and other relationship message boards from married people who have settled with someone they don't love because their family was pressuring them to marry, their biological clock was ticking too loudly in their head or whatever and they find themselves on a message board 5-15 years on lamenting that they're stuck with someone they don't love like a lover, they're not attracted to them, they aren't excited by them, but he/she was a good person/good parent/good provider, but they didn't want to end up alone so they settled.

 

Like I said, I'd rather be alone than be someone's also-ran.

[Happy Lemming]

My long term girlfriend (6.5 years) has told me many times she settled when she started dating me. She looked and dated and tried everything for 20+ years. All of her relationships (after her divorce) were short term... month or two, at the most. She discussed it at length with her therapist and finally decided to lower her standards a bit.

 

She wanted that "Knight in shining armor who rode up on a white horse" type of guy. She settled for a rodent who drove up in an old white pickup.

 

Do I think she is completely happy, no... moderately happy, maybe... Am I OK with that?? Sure. I'm one of those "dumb & happy" people, I don't need much and am happy with what I have.

[Fair]

 

I doubt any couple is equal in their attraction to each other, but if I had been 'settled' for, I would feel it and would not like it. No. To me that would mean they could take me or leave me.

 

Ick.

[SevenCity]

I think almost everyone settles to some extent and that if you think you aren't being settled for, then you are likely deluding yourself.

 

Agreed. Like if we had the technology to order the perfect mate from amazon prime, would you select every single thing about your partner and leave out everything they don’t have?

 

No room for improvement?

 

Hardly.

 

With me it’s like a scale. As long as the good outweighs the bad I will stay.

 

I’ve yet to find a woman who meets all my requirements.

[Woggle]

I think almost everyone settles to some extent and that if you think you aren't being settled for, then you are likely deluding yourself.

 

I overheard my wife telling her friend about a stressful day and said that I gave her some therapy in the way only I know how. That is not the talk of a woman who settled.

[Mr. Lucky]

Tricky question ... because frankly, we all settle ... almost all the time.

 

By settle I mean choose the best option that seems available to us.

 

Again, people can settle and find themselves spectacularly happy with the person they end up with ... because it's impossible of course to really know people before hanging out with them for a while.

 

To me, this is a realistic view. There's no one partner that ticks every appearance, sexual, emotional, financial, lifestyle and familial box - and will continue to do so over the life of the marriage. That's why I don't believe in the "one", there's lots of potential partners with whom I could build a satisfying and fulfilling life. I'm very happy I chose the one I did, but it's naive to think you're the unique snowflake with only one match.

 

The concept of settling reflects more on the emotional immaturity of the one doing the settling than it does on the partner supposedly settled for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[greymatter]

I overheard my wife telling her friend about a stressful day and said that I gave her some therapy in the way only I know how. That is not the talk of a woman who settled.

 

Your post struck me as kind of funny. I'm sure this is not the case, but is it possible she settled for a guy who doesn't listen to her when she is upset and only has the capacity to offer sex (which is somewhat self serving), not support when she is upset about something? Sorry but I couldn't resist.

[Woggle]

Your post struck me as kind of funny. I'm sure this is not the case, but is it possible she settled for a guy who doesn't listen to her when she is upset and only has the capacity to offer sex (which is somewhat self serving), not support when she is upset about something? Sorry but I couldn't resist.

 

I hope not but after 12 years she still has that demeanor of a woman who is madly in love. She is the type to want to have some great sex or just have a great time in general though after a bad day. She isn't the type who likes to sit around and talk about it for hours.

[pepperbird]

I think it depends on "settled".

 

 

I've been married a long time, and while it isn't always perfect, for the most part, I'm very happy.

 

 

When I met my husband, he didn't tick every box, but really, who could? There were so many positives about him and we got along really well. Was it the head over heels in love? In all honesty, no it wasn't, but I don't think I'm wired that way anyway. For me, it takes a lot of time and it's something that builds up. I don't see that as "settling", although I guess some would.

 

While we may not have been a perfect match, there was so much potential for the two of us to grow together. The head over heels is there now, and this is after many year of being together.