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Possible to truly be friends with ex?


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Hey All --

My ex and I split over 3 years ago. We were together for a year -- it was the best relationship of my life. Love of my life. She had deep seeded issues with trust and letting people get too close to her. When we moved in together she changed and became more emotionally removed. I could tell she was trying to fight her impulse to push me away. In the end we broke up. I've thought about her a lot over the past number of years. I've dated and been in other relationships, but that's the benchmark for me. She met someone online and moved across the country shortly after our breakup. Haven't spoken to her since.

 

Last week it was her best friends birthday -- me and her best friend are friendly, tho we haven't talked since the breakup. We follow eachother on Instagram. They've been best friends forever, so tight, they lived together when we were together and they're like sisters. Anyway I write her best friend a message saying happy birthday -- she writes back asking if i'd spoken to my ex.. because she apparently hasn't talked to her in 3 years as well. When my ex moved across the country her best friend went to visit her and said she seemed to be in a weird place -- when she got home she texted her but didn't hear back for a few weeks. She was shocked to read what my ex wrote to her. She said "You're my best friend and I love you so much, but I don't deserve it. I really don't. And I don't want to be friends any more". And she blocked her. Her best friend was crushed. And I just learned about this last week. Honestly I've been thinking about writing to my ex and see how she is, and I hate to use this as a springboard but i'm honestly worried about her safety and well-being now. Am I wrong to feel this way?

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You're worried about her safety because she chose to end a friendship? Who's to say she didn't have her own valid reasons to do so?

 

I don't see that you have any real reason to be concerned, and certainly not enough to make contact after 3 years of no contact.

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Am I wrong to feel this way?

 

 

Do you worry about the people in South Carolina who lost their houses or their lives due to Hurricane Florence last week? What about the people in Hawaii who are being devastated by the volcano? What about the Tsunami victims several years back? Or starving Cambodians?

 

 

If you don't worry about all of them then why worry about some girl you dated once? You've got nothing in common with any of them.

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You are just looking for an excuse to contact your ex. Nothing to be ashamed about, most of us have been there, but see it for what it is and just move along and leave it in the past.

 

Her split with her friend happened as long ago as your split with her. Three years is a long time. Most likely she wanted a clean break from her life as it was before moving on to somewhere and someone else. Her choices may not make sense to you, but they were hers to make.

 

No one else is going to ever compare to her for you if you keep holding on so tightly to the memories. If you're honest with yourself you only follow her friend on Instagram because of her.

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You are just looking for an excuse to contact your ex. Nothing to be ashamed about, most of us have been there, but see it for what it is and just move along and leave it in the past.

 

Her split with her friend happened as long ago as your split with her. Three years is a long time. Most likely she wanted a clean break from her life as it was before moving on to somewhere and someone else. Her choices may not make sense to you, but they were hers to make.

 

No one else is going to ever compare to her for you if you keep holding on so tightly to the memories. If you're honest with yourself you only follow her friend on Instagram because of her.

 

you're totally right

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Ended my relationship w my ex 4 years ago. Dated for a year. During the relationship I suspected she was working at a restaurant in the city, and not as an office manager of a tech company like she mentioned. When the relationship ended I went on that restaurants twitter page and found pics of her working there. I was angered but didn't say anything. Fast forward to now. I randomly thought about her the other day and did one of those verified people searches. All of the results from 3 of them say she's 3 years older than what she'd been telling me she was. So she was lying about that too. Now i'm angry. I know it's been years and I need to let it go -- but i'm furious someone could lie about things like your age for a YEAR when you love and care for someone. Is she just a pathological liar?

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Apparently she is a pathological liar. Count your blessings that she is out of your life.

 

You do realize that you are stewing about this 4x longer then you were even with her. Stop letting her rent space in your head. She's not worth it.

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I'm glad you're angry. Use that anger to once and for all realize she was not worth your pain then and most certainly not worth it all these years later.

 

Let her go and free yourself up to recognize a great girl when you meet her.

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Yes, she's a pathological liar. No telling what else she was lying about that wasn't discoverable. It is time to stop caring now. That's the goal. I do understand that sometimes you get someone on your mind and just want to see if you can get to the bottom of it. I do it myself.

 

I think now you ought to be able to just let it go and realize she had serious problems. Lying like that, especially about a job, tells me she is one of those who lies to make herself look like more than she is, which isn't healthy. I had a good friend who would do that to new people he met so he could look awesome. It's unhealthy. I accepted him for who he was and talked to him about it and he stopped lying to me, but a pathological liar can't help themselves. Lying about age is unfair IF you are going into a relationship and not just having a one-nighter.

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You seriously need to let it go. Let HER go.

 

 

Get to a place where it doesn't matter.

 

 

Quickly

 

I've moved on emotionally. I've dated/had relationships since. But when you find out that someone you really loved was lying to you about such petty things. Makes it feel like the whole relationship was a lie. I hate feeling like I was manipulated.

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During the relationship I suspected she was working at a restaurant in the city, and not as an office manager of a tech company like she mentioned. When the relationship ended I went on that restaurants twitter page and found pics of her working there. I was angered but didn't say anything. Fast forward to now. I randomly thought about her the other day and did one of those verified people searches. All of the results from 3 of them say she's 3 years older than what she'd been telling me she was. So she was lying about that too.

 

How do you know the restaurant gig wasn't a part-time job in addition to her tech position? And wanting you to think she was younger?

 

You seem to be looking for reasons to be mad at someone you broke up with three years ago. Strange...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I've moved on emotionally. I've dated/had relationships since. But when you find out that someone you really loved was lying to you about such petty things. Makes it feel like the whole relationship was a lie. I hate feeling like I was manipulated.

 

People hung up on someone else date all the time and even get into relationships. That doesn't mean they've moved on emotionally.

 

The fact that you have her on your mind to the point of digging this up three years later means that you definitely have NOT moved on. Your other post says no one else has measured up to her.

 

We're all being so straight forward about this because we know - we've been there or seen someone else there close up and and know holding on when we see it (in a post).

 

So first, be honest with yourself. Second, let her go for real. Maybe, just maybe, no one else is measuring up because what you think she was isn't real. Not even SHE measures up to the image you're holding on to.

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People hung up on someone else date all the time and even get into relationships. That doesn't mean they've moved on emotionally.

 

The fact that you have her on your mind to the point of digging this up three years later means that you definitely have NOT moved on. Your other post says no one else has measured up to her.

 

We're all being so straight forward about this because we know - we've been there or seen someone else there close up and and know holding on when we see it (in a post).

 

So first, be honest with yourself. Second, let her go for real. Maybe, just maybe, no one else is measuring up because what you think she was isn't real. Not even SHE measures up to the image you're holding on to.

 

You're 100% right. Appreciate the honesty.

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Have an ex I haven't talked to in years. Miss her as a person -- she was funny and awesome. I usually try to be friends with ex's directly after the breakup and that never works because there's still feelings. But this has been years. No more feelings. Is it actually possible to become friends with an ex from your past? Or is this a bad idea?

 

Anyone actually good friends with their exes on here?

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Have an ex I haven't talked to in years. Miss her as a person -- she was funny and awesome. I usually try to be friends with ex's directly after the breakup and that never works because there's still feelings. But this has been years. No more feelings. Is it actually possible to become friends with an ex from your past? Or is this a bad idea?

 

Anyone actually good friends with their exes on here?

 

It has been years, but you had two other threads going (evidently merged into this one) that suggest your feelings for her are not gone. You need to be honest with yourself here, OP.

 

You were first thinking of reaching out to check on her safety. Then you for some reason felt inspired to verify her work situation from 4 years ago. Now you are thinking about trying to be friends. Where is this all coming from, after years of no contact with her? What's triggering this seemingly sudden urge to reconnect?

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lmo usually ex's are best left as ex's.

yaknow , if you can part respectfully, no bs and bitterness , spite , no throwing rocks at each other, good enough and best just left at that.

lt's healthier all round if life just goes on separately from there. To know that if you were to see each other somehwere and you'll both at least be civil is a pretty good out come , be happy with that and move on.

l find that just healthier all round.

l know your worried about her mentally too, but l really don't think your the man for that job unless she came to you.

Edited by Chilli
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