Question for BS in a long term relataionship

[pepperbird]

If you are in a long term relationship ( married or living together for several years) and your spouse had an affair, did you choose to stay with them? If you did, do you trust them to not cheat again?

 

If your answer is "no, I don' trust him/her", then what factors led to your deciding to stay? Do you feel like you made the right decision, or would you do thing differently if you were offered a " do over".

[seren]

It's been 10 years since H told me about his 8 month affair, yes we reconciled and yes I trust him. Without believing that he meant it when he showed remorse and that he wouldn't do it again I would never have been able to stay. trust and the breaking of trust is. for me, the most important and worse bit about our the affair and our relationship. If I could go back in time I would still choose to stay, I didn't need to stay for a house, money or children, I chose to stay because I loved him, could see that he was remorseful and so we stayed. We love each other despite the affair, had he not told me, had he not had PTSD and 'just' had the affair for kicks then maybe my answer would be different. I wish I had told the OW's husband, but, he was known to be violent and I didn't want a hand in any woman being attacked. I know she is still having affairs, so I could maybe have stopped someone else feeling like I did.

 

Until it happens to you (general you) no one ever knows how they will deal with it. I thought I would tell him to leave, but when I had the truth of what the affair was, the actual time they spent together (not that time meant too much, an affair is an affair no matter how long) and weighed it up against all we had shared in our long time together (over 30 years now) I decided my life would be better with H in it and so, here we are.

[Orokotikki]

Hi PB.

Been trying to write an answer for this since yesterday.

 

If you are in a long term relationship ( married or living together for several years) and your spouse had an affair, did you choose to stay with them?

Married 5.5 years, together 10.5 when found out about WW affair (PA). Wife and I were friends for years before dating. Affair lasted about 4 months, I had discovered it about 2 months into it. Caught them red-handed in his car after about 1 month false R. After beginning divorce mediation, decided upon R at her urging.

If you did, do you trust them to not cheat again?

That was little over a year ago.

No, not yet.

If your answer is "no, I don' trust him/her", then what factors led to your deciding to stay?

Pity for her, in part, for the pain and abuse she suffered from OM during A and in her previous relationship with him (he was an ex-bf, meth co-addict POS). Love for her and the relationship we had.

I don't feel like this adequately explains it but it is hard for me to identify other reasons. She was (compared to some stories) kind to me during A (not objectively, just comparatively).

Do you feel like you made the right decision, or would you do thing differently if you were offered a " do over".

I really don't know. Maybe I am not far enough out yet. Part of me wishes I would have insisted on D first before potential R. We have no children.

When I am with her, our marriage and activities feel great. We do IC/MC, dates, ballroom dancing, have done retrovaille, she seems remorseful, and has never blame shifted.

 

When we are apart it is difficult. My work has suffered and would not be surprised to be terminated. Just today I was speaking with IC about worrying she may start A or a new A.

She describes our marriage as great before A and better after A.

 

Main reasons for me that it is hard to trust was how out of the blue it was for me, my only heads up was a month long dry spell in bed - which I attributed to her mourning her stepsister who died young (~36) the previous month (before inadvertent discovery). Other major factor is 1 month long false R.

 

If I could start over, I would be much stronger and not have played 'pick me' in the beginning. And would have exposed affair sooner and more widely.

[Camillus]

Mine was a very long time ago. She was my first wife. Marrying her was a mistake, we were not compatible. I knew it deep inside but events spiraled out of control and somehow tada we were married.

 

 

 

I always knew in my gut she could/would cheat. I was not a good husband, out with my friends, terrible sex, etc.

 

 

I knew I wanted out but I didn't know how. Then I found out about the affair and it all fell into place.

 

 

Today I know the guy did me a favor. I only feel bad for his wife and children