Gaslighting

[Whitehart]

Has anybody here been subjected to gaslighting. Whether intentionally or as a by product of someone’s character.How do or did you cope with it, come to terms with it?

Can there be any future with a gaslighter or is it inevitable that you must bail out?

How have you coped when it’s a significant other doing the gaslighting?

[Garcon1986]

The end of my relationship was filled by gaslighting. I proposed living with her for one week to see how we would do. She said, why do you need to do that? Do you doubt our love? Are you doing this because your parents said to do it? She basically went on about this for 2 and a half hours, complaining that I wasn't hearing what she was saying. When a few days later I started standing up for myself, and saying she doesn't need to choose between my parents and me, I told her the parents aren't the enemy, she basically made me start doubting myself again. I wanted so desperately to make her see that she's got to stop blaming other people and not seeing something as benign as living together as an attack. She never changed, and said me and my family need to accept her for who she is. It was very surprising because she started out so sweet and caring.

 

Now I know to spot the first sign of gaslighting and establish how I expect fights to go down. She can either fight fair or move on. It is never acceptable for the lady to use love or sex as a tool to bend her man to her will, and it is a man's duty to make her see it (nicely and firmly) or move on. Ideally before kids and marriage

[Redhead14]

Has anybody here been subjected to gaslighting. Whether intentionally or as a by product of someone’s character.How do or did you cope with it, come to terms with it?

Can there be any future with a gaslighter or is it inevitable that you must bail out?

How have you coped when it’s a significant other doing the gaslighting?

 

Gaslighting is a powerful tool of mental and emotional control and manipulation. It is often the hallmark tool of a narcissist. Most people who are in relationships with a partner who uses gaslighting often, report that they feel like they are going crazy. It's exhausting and confusing. The "victim" often drops whatever the question/issue is because of that and so they suffer with the same issues over and over again because it's never gets a clear answer and never resolved. That's what the gaslighter wants. They want to continue doing whatever they want without question. It's about control.

 

How do you cope? You don't cope. You move on.

Edited September 18, 2018 by Redhead14

[Whitehart]

Redhead - absolutely spot on. It’s no good people saying talk to such a partner. You can’t, it’s crazy.

Would be good to hear from a gaslighter. Honest and open about why they do it.

[Redhead14]

Redhead - absolutely spot on. It’s no good people saying talk to such a partner. You can’t, it’s crazy.

Would be good to hear from a gaslighter. Honest and open about why they do it.

 

 

People who use gaslighting on a regular basis, do it "pathologically", it's become automatic. The types of people who do this don't often actually understand why they do it. They lack insight to a spectacular degree.

[d0nnivain]

I have never been gaslighted in a personal relationship that I am aware of. However, if somebody in my life was trying to tell me black was white or up was down, I'd just get them out of my life. I prefer straight shooters who deal with integrity rather than BS artists. If you don't enough respect to deal with me from a place of truth, I certainly have enough respect for myself not to deal with you at all. In my professional life I have a few of these geniuses. I just assume they are lying to me & proceed accordingly. Trust (to an extent) but verify.

[Mr. Lucky]

How have you coped when it’s a significant other doing the gaslighting?

 

My ex-wife gaslighted me before I even knew what the term meant. She instinctively knew the best defense is a good offense, so my suspicions meant I was paranoid, my questions proved I was controlling and my hunch she was cheating probably meant I was cheating myself.

 

Initially, it really is a pretty effective strategy. But once the pile of coincidences reach a certain level, it becomes harder and harder to pull off. The old saying about "fool me once..." eventually comes into play...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ChatroomHero]

Gaslighting is a powerful tool of mental and emotional control and manipulation. It is often the hallmark tool of a narcissist. Most people who are in relationships with a partner who uses gaslighting often, report that they feel like they are going crazy. It's exhausting and confusing. The "victim" often drops whatever the question/issue is because of that and so they suffer with the same issues over and over again because it's never gets a clear answer and never resolved. That's what the gaslighter wants. They want to continue doing whatever they want without question. It's about control.

 

How do you cope? You don't cope. You move on.

 

 

This is spot on. It takes a while to "get it", because they are usually good at making you not only look guilty, but feel guilty. They dig a deep hole for themselves and somehow you are the one at the bottom without a ladder when the discussion is done. I am not a controlling, paranoid or angry person at all, but those are the Big 3 they try to paint you as...like you telling her you are upset to find out that she took your car to pick up and hang out with her ex-bf and her calling you "controlling", despite her lying and telling you she was going to the store with her sister but instead hanging out with her supposed "abusive" ex, using your gas, your car and probably your money to buy him lunch.

 

In my opinion it will never work out. Once you've seen the Matrix so to speak, you can never go back. The "crazy" part...Even though you know what is happening or what is going to happen and arm yourself with all the evidence you need, you start to doubt yourself even when you know you are 100% right.

 

 

The only way I found to 'cope' was to close off and not engage in a discussion. I would say, you did XXX and that was terrible, then walk away and ignore her 'defense'. The tough part is then they will bring family and friends as secret weapons into the middle of arguments and point out how closed off you are as their 'proof', so it looks like your fault when you refuse to engage. At that point you can only be candid with family and friends about awful things he or she has done that they are not privy to. Once you are there, it's just best to drop them.

 

 

The only people I have seen that stick this out are ones that are the type to take everything and once a year have a big blow-up and then go back to taking it all the time. They are the type of people I think, that are desperate to never be alone so they stick around.

Edited September 19, 2018 by ChatroomHero

[DrReplyInRhymes]

This is spot on. It takes a while to "get it", because they are usually good at making you not only look guilty, but feel guilty. They dig a deep hole for themselves and somehow you are the one at the bottom without a ladder when the discussion is done. I am not a controlling, paranoid or angry person at all, but those are the Big 3 they try to paint you as...like you telling her you are upset to find out that she took your car to pick up and hang out with her ex-bf and her calling you "controlling", despite her lying and telling you she was going to the store with her sister but instead hanging out with her supposed "abusive" ex, using your gas, your car and probably your money to buy him lunch.

 

In my opinion it will never work out. Once you've seen the Matrix so to speak, you can never go back. The "crazy" part...Even though you know what is happening or what is going to happen and arm yourself with all the evidence you need, you start to doubt yourself even when you know you are 100% right.

 

 

The only way I found to 'cope' was to close off and not engage in a discussion. I would say, you did XXX and that was terrible, then walk away and ignore her 'defense'. The tough part is then they will bring family and friends as secret weapons into the middle of arguments and point out how closed off you are as their 'proof', so it looks like your fault when you refuse to engage. At that point you can only be candid with family and friends about awful things he or she has done that they are not privy to. Once you are there, it's just best to drop them.

 

 

The only people I have seen that stick this out are ones that are the type to take everything and once a year have a big blow-up and then go back to taking it all the time. They are the type of people I think, that are desperate to never be alone so they stick around.

 

This is such an amazing and thoughtful comment, I think people should take heed,

I even had to login and say wow, thank you, and you're spot on with your deed.

I recently had to break up with a woman who was doing pretty much exactly this,

Gaslighting me into believing she wanted more and accepting her cheating behavior in bliss.

 

She paints me as a terrible boyfriend, and how "abusive and controlling" I was,

Yet here is she going on dates and meeting old lovers behind my back, just because,

I would be the "crazy" guy making up stories about her meetups with him she defends,

She'd tell me I made stuff up about it, but I was just getting played to no end.

 

You're right, the only thing you can do is keep telling yourself of some of the bull**** they pulled,

To repeat it to yourself, and the rest of what she says is nothing but a bunch of bull,

To walk away and to cut her off, because in the end, she'll just do it again to you,

And to be quite frank, that's fine with me, because you'll get tired with the bull**** too.

[ChatroomHero]

You're right, the only thing you can do is keep telling yourself of some of the bull**** they pulled,

To repeat it to yourself, and the rest of what she says is nothing but a bunch of bull,

 

 

This is a great point. You do find yourself starting to feel for them only to stop and think, wait, I can think of 20 times she did something horrible to me that I let go, where if I was outside the relationship I would tell someone else even doing one of those things was a deal breaker.

 

 

The good thing I found was when I was being dragged through the mud to other people, every one that knew me whether it was her family and friends or mine, almost immediately would let me know how she was painting me and made sure I knew that they knew she was messed up. That helped because I stop worrying about how it looked from the outside and if I looked like the bad guy.

[preraph]

My sister gaslighted me half my life. Manipulating for the pettiest reasons, mostly because she is lazy.

 

How to deal with it? Yell at them as soon as they try it and tell them no.

[Gretchen12]

I didn't know I was being gaslighted at the time. I only learned after break up, not to believe so naively what others say. When he gaslighted me, I'd get frustrated and get upset, at times even freaked out from the frustration of the games. My strong reaction actually scared him off.

 

That was many years ago when the internet was not yet in commercial use and people outside of psychiatry have not heard the term gaslighting. What's scary is that not only he told me he had psychiatric treatment as a teen, but I found out years later through a mutual friend that he had gone into psychiatry and is even today a practicing psychiatrist.

[preraph]

So he's playing with your head and manipulating, or was. I hope you get to a place where you are so sure of yourself that no one can try to pull this crap on you and you will just instantly know they're wrong.

[Eternal Sunshine]

In my longest relationship I was gaslighted most of the time. In the end, when there was too much evidence to ignore, my ex just laughed and said how my instincts were always spot on but it was fun to see how far he could take it.

 

 

I had a former co-worker that did it. He was constantly back stabbing me and telling my boss if I came in late (and added on about 50% of lies on the top of it), or anything else I did but pretended that he was my good friend. Once I figured out it was him, I called him out. He told me that I am paranoid. Instead of defending myself, I just texted him a link to the definition of "gaslighting". He never responded but left me alone after that. Back stabbing also miraculously stopped

[Emilia]

Yes, though not in a long term relationship. I cut that person from my life there an then. I had more contact with him recently (not really out of choice) but had no problem maintaining emotional distance from him.

 

 

It's amazing when you meet someone who is capable of emotional maturity. I can't tell you how that helps putting everything else in perspective.