Lo1991 Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 I've been seeing a girl for 6 months and we are now boyfriend and girlfriend. We didn't become official until around 2 months ago. She was seeing someone casually before we met. She was signed into Facebook on my phone and I stupidly went through her messages and found out that she had slept with the guy she was seeing before, around 6 weeks into our relationship. We had been on around maybe 4 or 5 dates by this point but were not boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know how to react, I feel like I've been cheated on and that I can't trust her. Am I right to do so? Ive tried to bring it up with her and she swears she hasn't slept with anyone since we started dating but I know that's a lie. I haven't told her I've been through her messages. What should I do?! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Going on four or five dates doesn’t make you exclusive unless you’ve had “the talk.” Did you have “the talk” by then and reached an understanding that you were both only committed to each other? If not then let it go. It’s in the past and you can’t change it now. The good news is she slept with him and wants to be your girlfriend, not his. Let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lo1991 Posted September 18, 2018 Author Share Posted September 18, 2018 No we didn't have the talk until a while after that. Am I overreacting? I can't help but feel betrayed! Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 If you had not agreed to be exclusive prior to her being with the other guy then she didn't technically betray you. You were both still figuring out what was between you. But if you FEEL betrayed then you have to deal with that. Feelings aren't wrong, but if you can't get past it then your relationship isn't going to work out. The fact that you know she's lying to you about not having sex with anyone else since you started seeing each other is also an issue you'll have to come to terms with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 No we didn't have the talk until a while after that. Am I overreacting? I can't help but feel betrayed! That’s because she lied to you about it but maybe she forgot and it was an honest mistake. You should probably just give her the benefit of the doubt because you found out through snooping. If you have a need to go through her past history like that it says more about you than it does about her IMO. You weren’t even a couple at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Am I overreacting? I can't help but feel betrayed! Sounds like you both have your secrets, you with the snooping and her with another partner. Seems strange you want her to be honest without expecting the same of yourself. If you want to bring this to a head, tell her what you know and how you found out. Just be careful what you wish for ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Agree with the others - technically you weren't exclusive when she decided to sleep with someone else. But if this feeling is getting in the way of your relationship with her, then you need to address it. If it makes you feel better, I'll look at it a different way. She may have slept with the other guy but chose you over him in the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 You feel what you feel & nobody can change that. However, she did not owe you exclusivity until 2 months ago when you talked & became official. At the time she slept with the other guy -- 6 weeks into you knowing each other & after 4 or 5 dates (which is less than 1 date per week, a very slow pace), she was free to do what she wanted. Give the snail's pace at which you were moving, taking 4 months to become exclusive she probably thought things were going nowhere with you. If you can't handle her sexual past, you can't handle that. But it's not her problem, nor her fault. So either put it out of your mind or break up. Next woman you date make it clear from date 1 that you don't multi-date because nobody owes you exclusivity until you talk about it & both agree to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 I don't know how to react, I feel like I've been cheated on and that I can't trust her. Am I right to do so?! You were not cheated on, you were not exclusive, 4,5 dates in nothing, you're barely getting to know each other. Ive tried to bring it up with her and she swears she hasn't slept with anyone since we started dating but I know that's a lie. Who in their right mind does that? Really! you asked her if she had slept with people since she met you...that's very controlling and creepy-jealous. I don't know anyone in their right mind that would ask this to someone they date. What she did before being exclusive with you isn't your business. I haven't told her I've been through her messages.What should I do?! You should drop it, forget it all, and stop snooping in her social-media. Next time she uses your phone to access her account just log out without browsing through it. That's what stable adults do. Link to post Share on other sites
Jacob_Duluoz Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 Loyalty matters, and she ain't loyal. Women are responsible for their sexual decisions, if she wanted something with you she shouldn't be banging another dude while she's receiving affection from you. It's called respect. Break-up with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 (edited) I never could understand this "anything goes until there is a declaration of exclusivity" or whatever the hell its called...There should not be any "number of dates" or set amount of time, to determine exclusivity...Its whatever the people feel comfortable with...TBH, until stumbling on this site, it was always kind of understood that if a person thought enough to date you, that they moved on from whatever they had in the past and you got full attention/opportunity...That's the way I always saw it, anyway...This concept of juggling a bunch of people or actively seeking other opportunities while with someone new, well...like I said...just a completely foreign concept in my world.. If you are dating/effing someone and effing/dating someone else at the same time, at the very least, you need to inform the other party that is what you are doing...Then, they can decide if they want to participate in the shopping process, and hang around like an idiot until she decides who is best...No way in hell would I tolerate that...Buh- bye... Id agree with the previous poster that in the future, make it clear from the get go that you don't want to be shopped....That way there is no confusion... TFY Edited September 18, 2018 by thefooloftheyear Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted September 18, 2018 Share Posted September 18, 2018 If OP waited 4 months to address exclusivity it's because this dating wasn't escalating fast enough to address it before. If a man sees me on weekly basis like 2, 3 dates a week you bet the exclusivity talk will happen before 4 months. If a man sees me here and there, once a week or 2 times a month, you bet I'll be shopping around. So up to 4 months what type of dating was this? Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 She was signed into Facebook on my phone and I stupidly went through her messages and found out that she had slept with the guy she was seeing before, around 6 weeks into our relationship. We had been on around maybe 4 or 5 dates by this point but were not boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know how to react, I feel like I've been cheated on and that I can't trust her. The act itself wasn't cheating, but her being dishonest about it is a problem. I mean she straight up lied to you, so you know she has and would do it again. Exclusivity has nothing to do with her being honest. If she didn't want to discuss her past, fine. But to discuss it and say she hasn't slept with anyone since you were dating is a straight up lie. It would be important for you if she used protection, slept with anyone else, etc. Not only that, she should be mature enough to answer truthfully that she was sleeping with someone else during a time she may well have been sleeping with you. If you're against dating someone that is seeing other people, she should have at least been honest enough to admit to doing it when you asked. I would have no trust in her and with no trust, no relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 If OP waited 4 months to address exclusivity it's because this dating wasn't escalating fast enough to address it before. If a man sees me on weekly basis like 2, 3 dates a week you bet the exclusivity talk will happen before 4 months. If a man sees me here and there, once a week or 2 times a month, you bet I'll be shopping around. So up to 4 months what type of dating was this? The relevant question is, if that same man asked you if you were sleeping with someone else, would you lie about it? And if you knew a man you were dating for a while was sleeping with other people and you asked him if he was and he straight up lied, would you be ok with the lie? Link to post Share on other sites
Mardelis Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 Just because a half a dozen strangers tell you that you're wrong to feel betrayed because you weren't exclusive isn't going to change how you feel. If you can't deal with it then find someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 Loyalty matters, and she ain't loyal. Women are responsible for their sexual decisions, if she wanted something with you she shouldn't be banging another dude while she's receiving affection from you. It's called respect. Break-up with her. Completely agree. She lied too, I've met some shady guys in my life but they owned up to being shady when confronted, this girl is worse. There is no way I'd continue dating her. Link to post Share on other sites
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