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why does everyone say that marriage sucks so bad?


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harrykane140693

recently a young coworker (she's 22) announced that she was engaged. this struck up a colloquy between her and some older people in the office about how marriage is a "big decision" and you should wait until you "know how you feel".

 

later, when she wasn't around, these older coworkers set about complaining about their wives, giving the whole, "why did i ever get married and have kids" rhetoric. my supervisor bellyaches about his wife constantly, saying after each irritated phone call with her, "dude, never get married."

 

i am 23. i've been dating a girl for about two years and have thought about marriage, but these comments give me pause--and i hear them wherever i go, from men and women. what is it about marriage that is so life-changing in a negative way? does getting married young affect a marriage later down the line? are these just the complaints of people who got married too young, and are tired of their spice?

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There is a saying that goes like this: marriage is a castle, where endless people want in, and endless people want out.

 

You have to search within yourself if marriage is right for you. At 22 though, you are in no hurry.

 

The number one reason America has the highest divorce rate is that people can't handle the commitment and don't dedicate themselves to be adults, and handle argument and conflict in a civilized manner no matter what.

 

Other reasons:

 

1. You don't work to keep the romance alive.

2. You get bogged down in the negatives of having kids.

3. The man yells at the wife and threatens or commits physical abuse, because he's not manly enough to handle it in a civilized fashion.

4. The woman starts engaging in emotional abuse and manipulation every time she doesnt' get her way, and the guy finally loses his patience.

5. Disagreements over how to maintain the house.

6. Disagreements over how to manage the money.

7. Wife complains that the man just doesn't listen. Truth of the matter is that they have different communication styles and fail to pause for a moment to see what communication style makes the other partner truly feel validated.

8. Man complains that the wife is always saying the man doesn't contribute enough to the relationship, when the guy is working a hard life and shows affection when he comes home/ on the weekends.

9. There is hitting and shouting.

10. Grumpiness over sleepless nights boils over.

 

Good/ healthy reasons:

 

1. You are in love with one another.

2. You really want to share your life in all aspects with a lady.

3. You really want to have a lifetime companion no matter how annoying she is.

4. You both have realistic expectations and shared goals.

5. You would feel comfortable doing premarital counseling and would feel comfortable discussing or at least broaching extremely uncomfortable topics such as a prenuptial agreement.

6. You want to feel connected with a person you love and to grow with that person emotionally.

7. Willingness to be there for one another while you each fulfill your own needs and dreams. You can't leave her just because she is ill or just because you don't feel like it, or you find a hotter piece of tail at work.

8. You both have spent time thoroughly thinking through this and know it is a realistic and thoughtful thing to do, not because you are on cloud nine and are marrying because you have stars in your eyes.

 

I could go on and on, but the key here is to start asking yourself why you are considering dating and marriage. Mutual happiness is key. Why are you contemplating marriage in the first place? Doing it because your mates did it is one of the worst reasons. Doing it for mutual self actualization is a much better reason. Now you can't just repeat this stuff after me, you have to really believe it inside and out. There is so much temptation out there to cheat in your marriage - hence the reason for the saying in the bible, "lead me not into temptation".

Edited by Garcon1986
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Once you're married, you do not get to do what you want to do when you want to do it anymore. It is a loss of freedom. So you need to be sure that you're the type of person who needs another person around and who is happier with another person around even with all the compromises then without a person around, and I'm not talking about sex.

 

Some people can't stand to be alone and they think even if mediocre to bad relationship is better than being alone. Most people really have to work to stay together.

 

You are young to be thinking about marriage. You're so young that you can't even envision what it is about marriage that could be stifling and change your life. You just need to wait a few years and then decide what you want. The romance doesn't last your whole marriage.

You have to be the type of person to be content in relationships. Divorce statistics prove that marriage is not for everyone.

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Here's a theory, is it possible that the older mens' wives are homemakers and thus haven't grown with their husbands?

 

I mean, the husband goes out to work, he might travel for work, he might interact with different people on a regular basis while the wife stays home.

 

So his experiences are more varied and rich while hers are more routine and stagnant.

 

As for marriage in general, personally, I don't think a couple should marry until they've weathered a few crises together and come out stronger and closer.

 

The silly things that couples leave each other for these days boggle my mind, but then again, we often only hear about the silly things because he or she is using them as excuses instead of telling the whole truth. So who knows.

 

I know 35 year olds who are more mature than 45 year olds and I know 25 year olds who are more mature than 30 year olds.

 

Age isn't necessarily a good yard stick. I think experience is more important.

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When a marriage is good, it’s nice. When it’s bad, it makes you want to slice your wrists. The truth is, most people don’t know how to behave in a marriage and that commitment can feel like a death sentence when it goes south - and it often does. The problem is, it’s very hard to know if you’re picking the right person, plus you’re talking about many, many years together and people often change over time. So, really, it’s all a gamble.

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It's not that marriage sucks - it's the person you marry who does. Well, all too often, it seems. Most people do not choose wisely, or choose when they are too young to fully know themselves and what they want and need in a partner. That explains why there are so many "starter marriages," and so many divorced young people with children.

 

When you are mature enough, have a handle on your wants, needs, and goals, and can rationally evaluate what a potential partner brings to the relationship, then is the time to consider marriage. They need to be able to do the same, of course.

 

I am not a fan of marriage. I had one long, miserable marriage, and now I have a long, very happy marriage. I had to learn all the mistakes one can make in choosing a partner, and then apply those consciously to choosing this one - and we took our time getting to know each other in all situations, before eventually marrying. Even then, it was for the practical benefits rather than a desire to be married and all the potential liabilities that creates in our legal system.

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Marrying too young was my mistake. I married at 20, I didn't even know who I was yet so how the heck could I pick a proper partner. My marriage lasted 15 years and it was not easy. At 20 you think love will conquer it all but it doesn't. We need compatibility, a common goal, a mutual respect and the list goes on. People I know that got married later in life like late 20s and 30s usually have better longer marriages.

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In your 20s, especially nowadays, you’re too young to commit to marriage.

 

What i dislike about the concept of M is that in MOST cases it comes with sharing your space. It’s not that you have to spend every minute together after you come home from work, I mean, you can have your friends and hobbies that are only yours, but I like my HOME to be MY home - I think that’s the biggest concern I’d have.

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op,

it's no marriage itself that's the problem. It's the people in it.

 

 

I don't know where you live, but here in NA, we have such a culture of the self. Everything is about finding yourself, putting yourself first, your happiness being the top priority. People can live and grow as individuals even if they are part of a larger unit.

 

 

In marriage that is going to work. You have to be able to think of others and see their needs as being just as important as your own.

 

 

 

I don't really think age plays into it all that much. you could e 20 and have more life experience, know yourself better and be a better husband or wife than a 60 year old fluffyheaded twit will ever be. Alternatively, some do need that time to grow up.

 

Add to that the way that every marriage, especially the ones that have lasted a long time and are happy, will look different and will have its own unique way. That can run the gamut from hubby and wifey being around each other 24/7 and loving every minute of it to loving your spouse but having an open marriage ( agreed to by both and both are happy with it). You can't really judge one by anyone elses standards but those of the two people who are in it. In other words, a real marriage isn't something you're going to find in any Disney movie, but that doesn't mean the spouses aren't happy and 100 percent committed to their relationship.

Edited by pepperbird
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Did you want to spend 24/7 with her?

 

 

I think in a marriage we still need to retain our individuality through our own friends, activities, hobbies, our own space like I'd need my sewing room and he'd need his garage or basement to work on his projects.

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I’ve never been married but I don’t think it’s so awful to share your life with someone. I love my privacy and my safe space too and I wouldn’t withdraw from friends because of a woman. I guess you just need to find the right way to balance your life the way you want it to be.

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Oh reason is plain and simple: people are confused with the concept, some feel like it is something permanent, like a perma-prison with someone. It is not - average duration of marriage is 8 years, which is I bet comparable to any other long-term relationship form.

 

I think of it no different than an employment with a contract / marriage vs employment at will / other relationship type. You can exit from both, if one or both parties are dissatisfied. Just different procedure needs to be followed but the idea is exactly the same. No contract and/or relationship entraps you for life. With putting these facts straight it sounds way less scary:)

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Oh reason is plain and simple: people are confused with the concept, some feel like it is something permanent, like a perma-prison with someone. It is not - average duration of marriage is 8 years, which is I bet comparable to any other long-term relationship form.

 

I think of it no different than an employment with a contract / marriage vs employment at will / other relationship type. You can exit from both, if one or both parties are dissatisfied. Just different procedure needs to be followed but the idea is exactly the same. No contract and/or relationship entraps you for life. With putting these facts straight it sounds way less scary:)

 

For years, I’ve said that marriages should have an expiration date, making them come up for renewal every 7 to 10 yrs. I’ve always thought it might have the effect of making many people stop acting in the obnoxious ways they do in marriages. So many people are so cocky in thinking their spouse will never leave them and they can behave in any manner they choose.

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Oh reason is plain and simple: people are confused with the concept, some feel like it is something permanent, like a perma-prison with someone. It is not - average duration of marriage is 8 years, which is I bet comparable to any other long-term relationship form.

 

I think of it no different than an employment with a contract / marriage vs employment at will / other relationship type. You can exit from both, if one or both parties are dissatisfied. Just different procedure needs to be followed but the idea is exactly the same. No contract and/or relationship entraps you for life. With putting these facts straight it sounds way less scary:)

 

 

I hope this was intended to be funny, as if not, it is a perfect example of what is wrong with the attitude of some people towards marriage.

 

 

If you are going to go into a marriage with the idea that if it isn't perfect, you can just walk away is really harmful. I'm not saying that people should stay married even if they are terribly unhappy. What I am saying is that if you can't enter a marriage without being 100 percent committed, then don't do it. You can still enjoy a very full relationship.

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For years, I’ve said that marriages should have an expiration date, making them come up for renewal every 7 to 10 yrs. I’ve always thought it might have the effect of making many people stop acting in the obnoxious ways they do in marriages. So many people are so cocky in thinking their spouse will never leave them and they can behave in any manner they choose.

 

 

By this measure, any relationship, be it a friendship or what have you,should have an expiration date?

 

 

I'm beginning to think the problem isn't marriage itself, it's the people who are getting married.

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I was serious actually.

 

I’m personally the type that doesn’t even entertain the thought of a first date unless 100% sure it has a potential. But from my perspective (non-religious) marriage is no different than any other legal contract, and any legal contract is made so it can be broken.

 

I don’t think I’d go for it thinking that way, but yet doesn’t change the facts that >8 years is above average duration of marriage contract, so far from lifetime.

 

Are you looking at it from religious standpoint?

 

I hope this was intended to be funny, as if not, it is a perfect example of what is wrong with the attitude of some people towards marriage.

 

 

If you are going to go into a marriage with the idea that if it isn't perfect, you can just walk away is really harmful. I'm not saying that people should stay married even if they are terribly unhappy. What I am saying is that if you can't enter a marriage without being 100 percent committed, then don't do it. You can still enjoy a very full relationship.

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thefooloftheyear

Marriage has always seemed to be more about what women want...The parties, the ring, the white dress, bridesmaids, etc...

 

Back in earlier days, most guys got married because women generally didn't sleep around as much, so if you "wanted the milk you had to buy the cow' so to speak...In some cases, families would pressure guys to marry if they slept with the daughter..

 

With OLD and women giving out sex much more easily, its resulted in a big drop in guys committing to marriage..No longer do you need to commit to get laid...Its as easy as it has ever been..So guys no longer have that pressure...

 

There is a lot of backing to this theory

 

https://www.wsj.com/articles/cheap-sex-and-the-decline-of-marriage-1506690454

 

Also, while these laws are slow to change, lifetime alimony and other back breaking divorce judgements against men have resulted in a general bad feeling about the whole process...I have seen guys literally brought to their knees for just wanting out...Ruined...For life....You know, the whole rallying cry of women "Take him to the cleaners!!"...

 

Even having said all of this, I think it's a solid institution and definitely worth it, for the right couple....I've often thought of a good compromise...Make it a 4 year deal that has to be renewed by both parties to continue...This way, it's not necessarily viewed as a lifetime deal, and for those who are happily married, they can have a party every 4 years they renew...If one party decides it's not working, rather than a divorce, just allow the license to expire without renewal..Because it's only 4 years, there is a good chance there won't be that many complications..

 

TFY

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For years, I’ve said that marriages should have an expiration date, making them come up for renewal every 7 to 10 yrs. I’ve always thought it might have the effect of making many people stop acting in the obnoxious ways they do in marriages. So many people are so cocky in thinking their spouse will never leave them and they can behave in any manner they choose.

 

Ha, that’s an interesting idea and hitting the bullseye of marriage dissolution anyway.

 

But I think people would oppose because 1) want to take advantage (financial) of dissolution of the contract 2) prefer to leave a myth than facing the reality (that they may need to get back hunting but now older/burdened etc)

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Yeah problem with 4 year renewal are also ideas for kid raising which end of day is primary function of marriage...Actually Dutch are ahead of the game and made ‘registered partnership’ which is same as marriage but very easy to dissolve if couple has no kids.

 

Marriage for lifetime is just little girl and manipulative wifey tale :D

 

Marriage has always seemed to be more about what women want...The parties, the ring, the white dress, bridesmaids, etc...

 

Back in earlier days, most guys got married because women generally didn't sleep around as much, so if you "wanted the milk you had to buy the cow' so to speak...In some cases, families would pressure guys to marry if they slept with the daughter..

 

With OLD and women giving out sex much more easily, its resulted in a big drop in guys committing to marriage..No longer do you need to commit to get laid...Its as easy as it has ever been..So guys no longer have that pressure...

 

There is a lot of backing to this theory

 

https://www.wsj.com/articles/cheap-sex-and-the-decline-of-marriage-1506690454

 

Also, while these laws are slow to change, lifetime alimony and other back breaking divorce judgements against men have resulted in a general bad feeling about the whole process...I have seen guys literally brought to their knees for just wanting out...Ruined...For life....You know, the whole rallying cry of women "Take him to the cleaners!!"...

 

Even having said all of this, I think it's a solid institution and definitely worth it, for the right couple....I've often thought of a good compromise...Make it a 4 year deal that has to be renewed by both parties to continue...This way, it's not necessarily viewed as a lifetime deal, and for those who are happily married, they can have a party every 4 years they renew...If one party decides it's not working, rather than a divorce, just allow the license to expire without renewal..Because it's only 4 years, there is a good chance there won't be that many complications..

 

TFY

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By this measure, any relationship, be it a friendship or what have you,should have an expiration date?

.

 

Exactly. Friendships usually dissolve faster, parenting is obligatory only for 18 years... no relationship is supposed to be permanent.

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thefooloftheyear
Exactly. Friendships usually dissolve faster, parenting is obligatory only for 18 years... no relationship is supposed to be permanent.

 

 

Tell that to the guys paying lifetime alimony..

 

TFY

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