How do you feel about "out of your league"?

[burnt]

I have met someone online (in another state). To say he is out of my league is a horrific understatement.

He is bordering unreal in every possible way. Yes, yes, I know there's so little one can tell about a person, especially from a dating website, but just please take my word on this one.

 

I am feeling things that I have never experienced before. Something along the lines of sadness that someone could be that perfect and that unattainable and I am feeling so small. I guess something along the lines of falling for someone who's essentially an illusion.

 

I am not asking for advice. I am just curious about if others have felt something like this, just so that I'm not feeling so alone with my experience.

And also, how did you react if you have experienced something like this?

 

Thank you.

[FMW]

I think you're probably just feeling insecure, I don't really believe in the whole "out of my league" thing. Just different levels of compatibility and comfort levels.

 

And no one is perfect. You know that. You just aren't seeing all his faults and weaknesses right now.

 

I do have a guy friend that I've had some level of romantic interest in who I've felt inspired me to try harder because he is smart, educated, talented, successful, wealthy and has high social standing. At times I've been a little intimidated by his status and like I was probably "below" the caliber of woman he is usually involved with. But it's all about my insecurities. He sees something in me that makes him want to have me in his life, so who am I to question his taste

[somanymistakes]

According to statistics, trying to date someone who is truly out of your league, you have a pretty good chance of being shot down. They have a ton of options on hand. 19 times out of 20, they'll probably pass you over.

 

But then think about it from the positive side. If you have the courage to stay out there and keep trying, to accept rejection and move on and try again with someone new, succeeding only 1 in 20 times with people who are way out of your league suddenly doesn't sound so bad!

[basil67]

Nobody is perfect. And if he was truly so awesome, he'd have women flocking to him and wouldn't need to be floating around on a dating site.

 

How do you gauge that someone is so awesome if you haven't met them? In reality, he could be all kinds of annoying.

[JustGettingBy]

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

[grays]

I have done a ton of OLD and I don’t think there’s any way you can know that without having met him. People can appear to be really amazing in pics and then you meet them and all the sudden it all makes sense...

 

And I completely reject the whole notion of “leagues.” I am a perfectly ordinary looking woman, not ugly but no head-turner. And I don’t make a lot of money, have zero ambition, have a ton of baggage. But I have dated quite a few guys that most people would say were out of my league. But they haven’t really even been the ones I’ve fallen for. Chemistry means a lot.

[S2B]

From experience - an online profile can be manipulated to portray any lifestyle.

 

What solid evidence through video chatting/facetime etc - do you have that his lifestyle he portrays is true and correct? Not including photos - what have you personally witnessed?

 

What is the reason you haven't been to visit his place where he lives?

 

How long have you been communicating with him?

[burnt]

From experience - an online profile can be manipulated to portray any lifestyle.

 

What solid evidence through video chatting/facetime etc - do you have that his lifestyle he portrays is true and correct? Not including photos - what have you personally witnessed?

 

What is the reason you haven't been to visit his place where he lives?

 

How long have you been communicating with him?

 

None: is the answer to your questions.

I have been looking for a 'platonic' friend and I wrote that clearly in 'dating' profile. I don't know where or how else to find friends. I am lonely and have exhausted all other avenues to make friends. I don't have family or very many other things in my life to hold onto. Hence this route as a last resort.

 

He is ok with staying as friends, but I am the one who's now falling for him desperately. I have not told him that, but just trying to suppress those feelings or trying to deal with them best I can so that I can at least maintain a friendship with him.

 

Yes, I do know how insane I'm sounding for falling for someone with whom I literally had two correspondence--the rest is purely based on his profile. The thing is out of hundreds of profiles, I have never felt this way about anyone else ever.

 

There is no plan on getting together -- since it's, at best going to be platonic friendship.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody is out of anybody else's league. There are no leagues. Different people are going to excel at different things but that doesn't make anybody else less than them.

[stillafool]

If you are just looking for platonic friends why do they have to be men?

[2.50 a gallon]

When you are just 5' 6" and 130 pounds, and you really like long legged women, most of the gals you meet are out of your league. Oh you might get a date or two, and no matter how good you are in bed, they almost all wanted their permanent man to be taller and larger than them.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, I do know how insane I'm sounding for falling for someone with whom I literally had two correspondence--the rest is purely based on his profile. The thing is out of hundreds of profiles, I have never felt this way about anyone else ever.

 

Not insane burnt as much projecting. He's a blank canvas and you painting him with your needs, hence the ability to see him as perfect despite the absence of any real interaction, even by online standards.

 

If this were the movie Castaway, he'd be your Wilson...

 

Mr. Lucky

[guest569]

I don't understand. If I love someone, I confess and take action or walk away. There is no fake friendship.

 

I've never felt out of my league. Ever. And I'm not overly confident or happy with myself at the moment. I'm not a supermodel. I just believe we are all equal. If anyone makes me feel that I'm unworthy, screw them. I wouldn't surround myself with people like that. If it's you making yourself feel that way then you need to do something about it.

[Standard-Fare]

You've constructed a fantasy of a guy you don't actually know. I promise whatever notions you have of him are unrealistic.

 

Since you've clearly developed romantic feelings, the options are:

1. Tell him you're interested in more than platonic and try meeting him in person.

2. If there's no chance of that, due to the distance or other reasons, cut off communication with him and direct your energy elsewhere.

 

What you CAN'T do is continue communicating under the guise of this being a "platonic" interest, as you continue to build him up in your head to be some unattainable god. Truly, it's not healthy, and it's a total waste of your time.

[Just Write]

Honestly, I totally believe in leagues, and it's one of the reasons I've abstained from even trying to date since getting my facial scar. But I'll also admit that a lot of my problem is projection: looks are very important to me, so I just assume they're equally important to my potential partners.

 

That said, I know where you're coming from. At this point, I've pretty much given up on ever finding a partner, because I have pretty high standards, and I don't believe anyone who would fall within those standards would want to date me. That's life, though.

 

Take heart, of course, because your mileage may vary. As others have already said, there's no harm in trying. But for me, yes, leagues absolutely exist, and they definitely keep me from pursuing certain women, at least romantically speaking, anyway.

[alphamale]

no, I have not felt like this

[Mr. Lucky]

H But for me, yes, leagues absolutely exist, and they definitely keep me from pursuing certain women, at least romantically speaking, anyway.

 

Just Write, I don't understand this approach, is rejection really that painful? It's not a referendum on you, most of the women you'd initially approach don't even know you. I've never taken it personally and, trust me, I've had plenty of practice dealing with it.

 

I married a woman look-wise and emotionally way out of my league. I'm thankful every day I was brave - or foolish! - enough to pursue her...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just Write]

Just Write, I don't understand this approach, is rejection really that painful? It's not a referendum on you, most of the women you'd initially approach don't even know you. I've never taken it personally and, trust me, I've had plenty of practice dealing with it.

 

I married a woman look-wise and emotionally way out of my league. I'm thankful every day I was brave - or foolish! - enough to pursue her...

 

Mr. Lucky

Not really about pain, just pragmatism. When I was high school, literally every girl I "chased" ultimately turned me down. And I use "chase" in the sense that I would try to get to know them over the course of several days or even weeks and then ask them out. Never led to even one date.

 

The trend pretty much continued throughout college, to the point where I more or less figured out where I fell in terms of the "league." After that, I was pretty much content to just stay in my lane and not deviate. To do otherwise, I had learned by then, was a huge waste of my time.

 

I suppose you could say it's just simple Pavlovian conditioning. Either way, I'm not bitter over it or anything; I'm just being honest.

[Woggle]

I never felt like anybody is out of my league. If they were interested then they were very much in my league because it was something about me they wanted.

[jjb117]

I will never believe a girl is out of my league.

 

Can I get any girl in the world? Obviously not, but my irrational confidence is what has gotten me with some amazing women.

 

So no, never believe anyone is too good for you. I’m sure you’re a wonderful person, and you should feel the same way too.

[Mr. Lucky]

The trend pretty much continued throughout college, to the point where I more or less figured out where I fell in terms of the "league." After that, I was pretty much content to just stay in my lane and not deviate. To do otherwise, I had learned by then, was a huge waste of my time.

 

You don't need all the 9's and 10's (however you define them) to be interested in you, you just need one. No guts, no glory...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2.50 a gallon]

Just because I thought they were out of my league, did not mean that I did not give it a shot.

Ex-fiancé I tried maybe a half dozen times to get a date before she said yes.

Ex-wife, almost 6' to my 5' 6", strawberry blonde with freckles, and a fold-out body, I did not chase, she chased me

Current GF, my first thought the night I met her was there is a face I could kiss good morning to for the rest of my life, 5' 9", almost 40" legs to my 30", and a grandma who still had an hour glass figure and a flat stomach.

Her ex-H was a 20 year military man who was still in shape, and when we met she was living with a semi-pro heavy weight fighter, she liked her men big and tuff, 5' 6', 135 pound me, took her away from her 6 footer with a six pack, and we have been together for over 2 decades.

It was in my DNA to be super attracted to long legged women. Over the decades that I was in the dating game, I met a and dated many, but when it came time to get serious, could not see them getting hitched to a shorter skinny guy.

[preraph]

Have you provided him a full body shot, untouched, of yourself? Because if you haven't, you're just opening yourself up to a world of hurt once you meet. If he acts romantically interested in you and he has seen very accurate current full body photos of you, then just trust that he's interested. If not, stop fantasizing and send him or post your actual self so you find out if he's interested or you're not his type.

[carhill]

I am not asking for advice. I am just curious about if others have felt something like this, just so that I'm not feeling so alone with my experience.

And also, how did you react if you have experienced something like this?

 

More prevalent decades ago when in reproductive mode. Early lessons learned about the socio-economic caste system were in play. Ignoring leagues left a bit of a sinking, anti-social feeling not respecting social norms. Sometimes I went with that feeling and ceased pursuit, other times not. From later in that era, I recall one example of asking someone out I'd known for awhile as a vendor (she managed the business) after her divorce and her comment when declining was she didn't generally date customers or younger guys (was ten years older). About a year later she married a customer my age. Difference? His family was a prominent ranching family in the area. That's what leagues are all about. People don't talk about them in that way but it's known and accepted.

 

However, I always based the concept of leagues on real life, meaning people I'd looked in the eye, socialized with and observed in person. Online stuff is just electrons.

 

While the story I related above could be fake, the lady in question did keep the brass desk plaque I machined for her (her company sold metal and other stuff like that) on her desk even after she got married until she retired. I kinda chuckle about my follies back then. Oh, well. Life is like that. Keep on plugging away. It'll work out.

[preraph]

When you're an average female and the dreamboat is male, it's highly unlikely he will stay with you. However, if you just want to settle for occasional sex, that might be a possibility, although really good looking guys eventually burn out on having women fall in their laps. Depends how good looking and how old he is.

 

But no, the great looking ones have dreams of their own, although they may not always be what you imagine. The best looking guy I know (and had sex with occasionally) was tired of women throwing themselves at him and he really didn't pick the best looking women. He picked one he sort of saved from a bad boyfriend who was tall and willowy but not especially beautiful, above average though. He didn't marry her though, but he still knows her. She's smart too, columnist. When they met, she was a waitress though. They were close.

 

This other guy all us girls thought was gorgeous (even though he was not tall) picked two women who looked just alike, and neither of them were very good looking, tall, thin, flat chested, average facial features. We don't know why, but that was his type, apparently. He didn't marry either of them but had long-term relationships with both. They looked so similar we couldn't tell when one ended and the other one began. He waited until he was about 50 and married a dancer in Hollywood. Pretty sure she was a stripper since he, in addition to being a musician, made stripper costumes. So assuming she had a great body unlike his old gfs. But you never know!

 

So there's different tastes. But if you get to know someone who you feel is way better looking than you, it's good to pay attention to who their past women were and just see if he goes for equally good looking or if he's a rare exception.