Verbally abusive behaviour.

[Calmandfocused]

Hi Everyone

 

Just wondered what action fellow loveshackers have taken once they’ve discovered they’re with a partner who is verbally abusive?

 

I’ve just ended a 5 month relationship for this reason. I addressed it directly each and every time it happened, set boundaries etc, but unfortunately it was to no avail and was just becoming worse. I therefore threw the towel in.

 

I just wondered if anyone here has experience of this situation turning around and how you managed this/ what you did? Of course he’s asking for me back but at the moment I’ve got 0 confidence that anything could or ever would change.

 

Could any loveshackers prove me wrong and provide examples of and when this situation turned around for them and a happy ending followed!

[Lotsgoingon]

You feeling guilty for leaving him?

 

I hope not. There is no such thing as "turning around" someone who uses abusive language. Either they change when you first point it out or they don't.

 

I hope you don't think this was in your control in some way ... Are you thinking there was some unique and clever way to speak to your ex such that he would say, "OMG. I get it. My language is bad. I'll change."

 

Sorry, that rarely happens ... so rarely that you actually never want to count on that happening.

 

The only action to take when in abusive relationship is to get out, whether abusive physically, emotionally or verbally. Get out! That's how you turn the situation around. You turn around your own situation.

 

Part of dating is finding out if the other person is a good fit. By good fit, I mean someone who you jibe with ... There will be conflicts ... but if there is chronically abusive language, you simply aren't a good fit. So you move on ...

 

Moving on is a success. And you take what you learned and try to be wiser. So I'm worried that you think you can "make" someone like this into a better person. No, that's not the goal. You want to escape this kind of person and develop radar to avoid this type of person.

 

So my questions to you ...

 

What were the early red flags that this guy's language was off?

 

How early on in the relationship did you experience the abusive language?

 

Now looking back on this guy and the relationship, is there some behavior that you might have paid better attention to? This is not blaming you ... this is just encouraging you to update your dating software so you can screen out guys like this very quickly.

[Zahara]

Only 5 months in and you’ve already had to check him several times with no change. What kind of behavior do you think you’d expect a year or five years in?

 

Abuse in any form should never be tolerated. It should be a dealbreaker. And he’s already showing textbook behavior — commit offense then try to rope you back. That’s what they do. It’s a cycle until they break you down.

 

My father was an abuser - physically and verbally. And I had two relationships with verbally abusive men. They do not change. If anything, it only gets worse.

 

You date to find compatibility. If someone breaks your boundaries, especially so early into it, walk away. Don’t ponder change, don’t ponder the what if’s, don’t ponder on hope — just move on and find someone that shares your life values.

Edited August 18, 2018 by Zahara

[basil67]

If he books himself into anger management therapy *without you suggesting it*, there may be hope for rehabilitation. But even then, I'd want to see consistent change over a period of 6-12 months to trust that the new behaviour would stick. Personally, I think it's far too long to wait around for a guy you've only spent 5 months with.

[babysacay]

Hi Everyone

 

Just wondered what action fellow loveshackers have taken once they’ve discovered they’re with a partner who is verbally abusive?

 

I’ve just ended a 5 month relationship for this reason. I addressed it directly each and every time it happened, set boundaries etc, but unfortunately it was to no avail and was just becoming worse. I therefore threw the towel in.

 

I just wondered if anyone here has experience of this situation turning around and how you managed this/ what you did? Of course he’s asking for me back but at the moment I’ve got 0 confidence that anything could or ever would change.

 

Could any loveshackers prove me wrong and provide examples of and when this situation turned around for them and a happy ending followed!

 

I know you're looking for examples of when things changed but I hear of it very rarely. I was dating a man earlier this year who was verbally abusive; I'd ask for a phone call or video chat, on average, once every week. It turned into a big fight every time, with him degrading me and condescending me. I was so confused because I took care to be mindful about how I asked for calls and spent so long going through our texts trying to figure out what I did wrong that could have led it to escalate so much. Then I realized it wasn't me. It was him. Tried talking to him about it; he took 0 responsibility. He was about 34 and I thought this was a sign of great immaturity. He had other warning signs too that I should have heeded. So I looked to date elsewhere. I have now been dating a man exclusively for 2 months and he calls me almost every day. No signs of the degrading and condescending behavior that was present with the other guy very early on. I think there is someone out there who will treat you much better and with the respect that you deserve.

[mortensorchid]

I was with someone who was verbally abusive towards me many years ago. He was, for the most part, a happy go lucky type, perhaps overly as he was very much a goofball at all times. Looking back there were a few instances where he showed another side of himself, then one day ... Wow. He did not speak in a speaking voice, he just ranted and raved and screamed at me and everyone in his path. He was not swearing, I don't believe he was, but he was angry and in a rage unlike anything I had ever seen. That was the day he showed me his true colors, I tell others now.

 

I have also known others who have gone off on me or others not consistently, but they tend to be verbally abusive as well as emotionally abusive. There are a million and one reasons why they are the way they are, but how I handle it is to cut the cord, walk away, and never speak a word to them again.

 

Life is too short to be abused by someone, be it emotional or verbal. And people do it a lot. Once you identify, move on as quickly as possible.

[bathtub-row]

Wow, you’re my new hero! Do you know how rare it is that someone will have the sense to walk away from that kind of situation? It’s rare. Please do not let anyone convince you that your judgment in this situation was wrong. People like him do not ever change. No matter how convincing they sound, it’s only a ploy. That’s why so many women get trapped into these relationships. You did the right thing. Please do not get back with this guy.

[guest569]

I stayed with my ex for over a year in spite of a fair few outbursts. I talked to him about each time.. I honestly don't know if things would have gotten better, maybe I cut the relationship short and blew it. But the outbursts were enough to really upset me and make me stop and think. I took a while but finally called it quits. I know what you mean, it's hard to know if you made the right decision. It sounds like you did make the right decision. At 5 months in presumably he is still on his best behaviour, which wasn't so great.

[anika99]

You took exactly the right action. When someone behaves that way this early on in a relationship the writing is on the wall. It's only going to get worse if you stay, not better. You stated your boundaries and he did not respect those those boundaries so you walked away. 100% the right thing to do.

 

Bathtub-row is correct. Abusive relationships are a trap that are difficult to escape once you become ensnared. Everytime someone crosses your boundaries and you don't walk away, you become weakened, you become more accepting of the unacceptable and even less likely to leave when the abuse escalates. It is awesome that you recognized this for what it is and took action as soon as you did. Be proud of yourself for that.

 

Now your question seems to be is there something you can do to turn the relationship around and make your ex stop being abusive. My answer to that is no there is nothing you can do to fix an abusive person and if you think there is then you are thinking like a victim of abuse. You walked away, keep walking.

[Calmandfocused]

Thank you so much for all your insightful replies. They’re really helpful and give me clarity that I did exactly the right thing. I won’t go back to him. I’m very angry towards myself at the moment, mainly for being so stupid. I was in an abusive marriage so I really should have learnt my lesson. Also, there must clearly be something about me that attracts these sort of men but apart from being a loving, caring and giving person, I’ve no idea what this may be.

 

Despite my clarity I’m doing the text book grieving reaction at mo, can’t sleep and though I’m forcing myself to eat, I feel as sick as a dog. Ugg.

 

It was a passsionate whirlwind from day 1. We were all over each other from the first date. I thought he was amazing and such a nice guy. Everything I wanted in fact.

 

Then in early June, he dumped me out the blue and said some dreadful things to me. He came back promising that nothing like that would ever happen again. Stupidly, I gave him another chance. I was addicted to the passion and intensity and I felt amazing being with him.

 

But there was something different after that. An underlying anxiety in my head that knew of course it was going to happen again.

 

Since then the verbal abuse was mainly triggered when I didn’t do exactly what he thought I should do. If I was upset about something (unrelated to him) he would be critical, judgemental and tell me he doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t want me talking to x y z about x y z. I got attributed very derogatory labels about myself that I know are not me at all. I coped with this by trying to appease him and show him love. What I actually was doing was communicating that it was an acceptable way to treat me (sigh).

 

Most of you are congratulating me about getting out after 5 months - thank you. I have two children to think about so it’s important that I do the right thing by them ( they didn’t meet him thank goodness) But I’m currently giving myself a hard time about even giving him that short amount of time in my life. I should never have given him a second chance in June. I feel very foolish and disappointed in myself.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you absolutely made the healthiest and smartest choice you could have. Good for you. I too have dated a man who was awfully verbally abusive, and it's quite shocking to the system when you start to see it coming out.

 

No, you probably shouldn't have given him a second chance, but you are human and most of us want to believe that someone can change. I think the fact that you were in an abusive marriage gave you the tools to know what to look out for, and you probably did reflect on that when you ended it this time. You saw only 5 months of it, but you knew in your heart it would continue and likely get worse if you let it go on any longer. You evidently have learned a lot from your past.

 

Know that you can trust your gut now. You know what an abuser looks like. Next time, be very wary of the ones who are over-the-top passionate from day one. Those are rarely the ones who turn out to be stable, rational-minded, consistent partners.

[Arieswoman]

Calmandfocused,

Let me say that you are one smart lady to recognise this and get yourself out of the situation.

 

 

You keep walking and kudos to you !

[Zahara]

You’re doing the absolute right thing. It takes courage to do what you’re doing because most will stay even at the cost of damaging their own children. You’re a rarity in that you stepped away soon into discovering his personality.

 

Keep staying strong and holding on to those boundaries. You’re going to be just fine!

[bathtub-row]

I don't know how or why attraction works the way it does but you probably shouldn't get into the blame game with yourself about this. Abusers are wildly attracted to intelligent, stable, strong, and independent people. I'm not sure why that is but I've seen it over and over again. And the relationship typically starts off as a whirlwind romance. They hook you very, very quickly and they're very hard to walk away from.

 

I was married to someone who was verbally abusive and the short marriage was a nightmare. But, the thing is, I now have such a strong radar for abusers that I doubt they could get within a thousand feet of me without me recognizing them for who they are. You'll get there, too, and the best way to do that is to make a firm decision that, come hell or high water, you'll never, ever get involved with someone like that again. Personally, I've never encountered another person like my ex. I had a friend who was dating someone like that and I could tell immediately what he was like, and tried to tell her. She didn't get it until some months went by. But the signs were there right away and I saw them clearly. I think the more you give it some thought, the more you'll understand what you missed. Suddenly, these people will stop appearing in your life.

 

I strongly, wholeheartedly recommend that you read the book Why Does He Do That? (Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men) by Lundy Bancroft. It's the most astounding book I've ever read about abusive behavior. Once I read it, it was the final straw for me to walk away from my marriage. The book is written by a man who saw, literally, thousands of abusers due to court-mandated orders for abusers. He started to notice a lot of similarities among abusers and his conclusions will help you understand that these people are completely unfixable and they will utterly destroy your life if you let them. And I'm not using those words 'utterly destroy' lightly. They will break you in every way possible if you stick around long enough.

 

You're having trouble getting past this because it's a very human, gut reaction in response to what you experienced; something you thought was genuine love. But you'll get past it and be far better off than if you had married him, spent numerous years of your life with him, maybe even had children with him. Those are things of nightmare proportions. Within a very short time of my marriage, I knew I'd never have kids with my husband. Best decision I ever made. Leaving him was the 2nd best decision.

 

Walk away from this with your head held high and if the next guy you date even hints at this kind of behavior, you know what to do.

[dream of me]

In my case it didn't. It escalated to physical actually. I was young and dumb to let it go on until that point!