Maintaining two homes - dealbreaker for most men?

[Artdeco]

I love my boyfriend, and I want to be with him, however, I don’t see ourselves living together. I just can’t imagine living with anybody 24/seven. It’s just not what I’m used to, and I also don’t miss the daily interaction, or “coming home to somebody after a hard day of work” at all. I enjoy being with him very very much, and whenever we are together it’s truly beautiful. We talk on the phone multiple times a day. I like his company. We get along great. Romance is still there. I think living together will just change our relationship dynamic as we know it - to something I probably don’t want. I’ve never lived with anybody at all, except for my college years (I had a roommate, and we got along fine).

 

After college and grad school I bought my own home, and I’ve lived in that house ever since. 15+ yrs. I like my space, I love having friends over, but I just don’t want to share my house with anybody else full time. I’ve had boyfriends before, serious relationships, but I never actually lived with anybody. This relationship is different. My boyfriend kind of wants to move in, or purchase something together that we both like, but I think I won’t be able to bring myself to do it. I hope he will understand that, if not, we will have a tough decision to make. I really don’t want to break up, but I’m very set in my ways, and I like my life. I like to come home after work, do some gardening , relax with a hot bath, have a glass of scotch, read some, simple stuff like that. I just like my quiet time. I love being with him, more than anybody else I’ve met before, and we’ve been together for quite some time now, but I prefer things to be scheduled, like “let’s meet for dinner”. I also spend weekends at his place and he spends weekends at my place, or even multiple weekdays in a row....It’s not that I don’t want him around, I just can’t imagine not having my own place. That’s all.

 

Does anybody have experience with that? Most couples do want to move in together, so I don’t have any friends that really understand my predicament here. I’m also in my early 40s. Maybe that’s part of it. I don’t need a guy. I don’t need a husband. I don’t want a family/kids. My life is almost perfect the way it is. He’s just adding so much more to my life that I really appreciate.

 

I don’t want him to feel rejected. I love him. We’ve discussed the topic before, and he wasn’t exactly thrilled about my POV. After getting out of a relatively long-term M, you would think he’d appreciate his space!?! Not.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Some people just really need more alone time than others. I understand this because I need alone time, too. I do think if you two really love each other and see the importance of meeting each other's needs, you could discuss this and work out some way for you to still get your alone time, but also minimize bills! Maintaining two households is so expensive.....which is why divorce sucks so bad.

Edited August 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[major_merrick]

I suspect most people would feel rejected. I would. As attached as a I was to my house, I was quick to sell it when I got married. My husband's house was bigger and better, and the whole reason I got married was I didn't want to be apart.

 

I'm always a bit confused by the idea of "I don't need a guy/husband/woman/wife" comments that some people make. If I didn't need my husband and my GFs, why would I keep them around as intimate partners?

 

I think the biggest question in this is....what does he think about it?

[MountainGirl111]

Sounds like you guys have a pretty good thing going as it is. Why mess with it?

Plus you are at a stage of your life in which you may want to simplify as much as possible. Maintaining two homes is a far cry from keeping it simple. Some people think more is more...but that's not always the case.

[Artdeco]

I suspect most people would feel rejected. I would. As attached as a I was to my house, I was quick to sell it when I got married. My husband's house was bigger and better, and the whole reason I got married was I didn't want to be apart.

 

I'm always a bit confused by the idea of "I don't need a guy/husband/woman/wife" comments that some people make. If I didn't need my husband and my GFs, why would I keep them around as intimate partners?

 

I think the biggest question in this is....what does he think about it?

 

What I mean by I don’t need a guy or husband is that I’ve always been happy being single, but also happy in relationships when they met my needs. But I’ve never been desperate to get married or anything. I think partly because I have never felt the urge to have children. Some women have their biological clocks ticking. That never happened to me and I’ve never regretted having no kids. And I still don’t want any. Can that be the “problem”? I’ve never felt the need to build a nest. And building a nest would mean having a partner around 24/seven. Right?

 

This has hands-down been the best relationship that I’ve ever had, but compromising on the life that I’ve always known and loved, is it worth it?

 

What he thinks about it is that he wants to live with me full-time.

 

I want this R, but I also want separate homes. Is it more expensive? Sure.

To me, it’s worth it, though. However, unfortunately I don’t know of any relationships that work out long-term with two households.

[central]

It's good that you know what works for you, and what won't. While your views aren't typical, they aren't strange, either. So, I guess your bf will either accept this as a firm boundary, or he'll move on. I don't really see a problem with you each having your own home and being responsible for your own, yet spending as much time together as you wish, in either place. I would suggest that this arrangement is not conducive to a marriage, however, but a long term relationship is still possible. If you do contemplate marriage, then a good prenup regarding your separate property would be necessary.

 

I have three friends (who have their own homes) who would not want to live with someone, married or not. It suits them, but I'll also add that none of them has been married or had a permanent relationship (beyond a few years). They're still happy, overall, but sometimes miss a more lasting relationship, I think.

[amaysngrace]

If you're spending entire weekends together then what's the difference if you do it through the week too? You'll still get your baths and gardening in. If I manage to get them in with two kids and two dogs at home you can too.

 

I think you're being a little bit silly to lose someone very special to you just because you're set in your ways. It seems so rigid.

[BaileyB]

I love my boyfriend, and I want to be with him, however, I don’t see ourselves living together. I just can’t imagine living with anybody 24/seven. It’s just not what I’m used to, and I also don’t miss the daily interaction, or “coming home to somebody after a hard day of work” at all. I enjoy being with him very very much, and whenever we are together it’s truly beautiful. We talk on the phone multiple times a day. I like his company. We get along great. Romance is still there. I think living together will just change our relationship dynamic as we know it - to something I probably don’t want. I’ve never lived with anybody at all, except for my college years (I had a roommate, and we got along fine).

 

After college and grad school I bought my own home, and I’ve lived in that house ever since. 15+ yrs. I like my space, I love having friends over, but I just don’t want to share my house with anybody else full time. I’ve had boyfriends before, serious relationships, but I never actually lived with anybody. This relationship is different. My boyfriend kind of wants to move in, or purchase something together that we both like, but I think I won’t be able to bring myself to do it. I hope he will understand that, if not, we will have a tough decision to make. I really don’t want to break up, but I’m very set in my ways, and I like my life. I like to come home after work, do some gardening , relax with a hot bath, have a glass of scotch, read some, simple stuff like that. I just like my quiet time. I love being with him, more than anybody else I’ve met before, and we’ve been together for quite some time now, but I prefer things to be scheduled, like “let’s meet for dinner”. I also spend weekends at his place and he spends weekends at my place, or even multiple weekdays in a row....It’s not that I don’t want him around, I just can’t imagine not having my own place. That’s all.

 

Does anybody have experience with that? Most couples do want to move in together, so I don’t have any friends that really understand my predicament here. I’m also in my early 40s. Maybe that’s part of it. I don’t need a guy. I don’t need a husband. I don’t want a family/kids. My life is almost perfect the way it is. He’s just adding so much more to my life that I really appreciate.

 

I don’t want him to feel rejected. I love him. We’ve discussed the topic before, and he wasn’t exactly thrilled about my POV. After getting out of a relatively long-term M, you would think he’d appreciate his space!?! Not.

 

I'm kind of in the same boat with my guy... We will eventually move in together, but we haven't yet because he has a teenage son and we didn't want to pressure that relationship. And, he has a cat - I'm very allergic.

 

I have to say... I am really looking forward to living with him, for many reasons. But, I have only ever lived on my own in my adult life and the thought of giving up the home that I've worked to have, my independence, my alone time - it's hard to imagine sometimes.

 

But, ultimately my desire to be with him is greater than my desire to live alone. I'm so tired of going back and forth... I'm so tired of having to clean and maintain two homes. I like the companionship and I look forward to the financial freedom. But, I do hear what you are saying...

[hippychick3]

I totally get what you're saying. I'm in a similar situation although I was married for many years and spent almost half my life living with my ex. He was very suffocating and controlling, and I spent the last 5 years of my marriage craving my own home and own space. It's been 5 1/2 years since my divorce, and I have cherished every moment of my life of freedom and having my own routines/alone time. I love having my own house more than words can express.

 

But, my bf of almost 5 years wants us to be living together as soon as my teenager (who is with me every other week) leaves for college. We also spend most weekends together which I love. But I also love my alone time when he's gone. With all that being said, financially it makes sense for us to share living expenses. We would like to have more disposable income to have fun and travel which is more likely to happen sharing expenses rather than running two households.

 

So....I will end up living with him but he's as independent as me. I am sure he will give me my space when I need it, and just organically it will happen given his nature. I think if it's a deal breaker with your bf, it's not worth losing him. But, you will need to build in the space and time for YOU and he will have to respect that. Have your own room/space that is only yours, encourage him to have his own space, suggest he take regular trips to visit friends/family, encourage him to take up out of the home hobbies that will give you your alone time, etc.

 

Edited to add: i just read my post and there are a lot of "5 years" references! LOL

[preraph]

Lived alone nearly all my life and like it. But I think there are plenty of guys that would be fine with that. Not the ones that want to be taken care of. I always said if I lived with a guy one of us would have to be rich enough to have a big home with separate wings.

[Artdeco]

Lived alone nearly all my life and like it. But I think there are plenty of guys that would be fine with that. Not the ones that want to be taken care of. I always said if I lived with a guy one of us would have to be rich enough to have a big home with separate wings.

 

No kidding

?

[thefooloftheyear]

In many places its just not practical...Having two homes here would require a substantial expenditure...The taxes alone on both places would exceed 35-40K/yr ++

 

Some people deal with it and some need constant together time...It just depends on the couple...

 

TFY

[Artdeco]

In many places its just not practical...Having two homes here would require a substantial expenditure...The taxes alone on both places would exceed 35-40K/yr ++

 

Some people deal with it and some need constant together time...It just depends on the couple...

 

TFY

 

It’s definitely not “practical”, and we would save a significant amount of money - that’s for sure. But the status quo is that we both live a good life, and we still manage to save money. Could it be more? Yes, definitely. But at this point it’s about maintaining a certain “sense of freedom”, quiet time, alone time, privacy, you name it. It’s not about money. If it were about money, the decision would be super easy and quick.

[MountainGirl111]

It’s definitely not “practical”, and we would save a significant amount of money - that’s for sure. But the status quo is that we both live a good life, and we still manage to save money. Could it be more? Yes, definitely. But at this point it’s about maintaining a certain “sense of freedom”, quiet time, alone time, privacy, you name it. It’s not about money. If it were about money, the decision would be super easy and quick.

 

The way I see it is right now the two of you have a relatively nice balance going on and you still have a good relationship. If you were to move in together a lot would change....so I can understand your reluctance to do so even though it would save you some money. Money will never replace a "sense of freedom", quite time, alone time, privacy, etc. Those are things that money cannot buy usually.

[Els]

What I mean by I don’t need a guy or husband is that I’ve always been happy being single, but also happy in relationships when they met my needs. But I’ve never been desperate to get married or anything. I think partly because I have never felt the urge to have children. Some women have their biological clocks ticking. That never happened to me and I’ve never regretted having no kids. And I still don’t want any. Can that be the “problem”? I’ve never felt the need to build a nest. And building a nest would mean having a partner around 24/seven. Right?

 

This has hands-down been the best relationship that I’ve ever had, but compromising on the life that I’ve always known and loved, is it worth it?

 

What he thinks about it is that he wants to live with me full-time.

 

I want this R, but I also want separate homes. Is it more expensive? Sure.

To me, it’s worth it, though. However, unfortunately I don’t know of any relationships that work out long-term with two households.

 

 

Not everyone who lives with their partner/spouse or gets married is motivated by biological clocks or kids or being "desperate" or anything like that. Some people just like having a partner to come home to after a long day at work, sharing a bed at night, and building a life with each other. It's a personal preference.

 

That being said, I don't think it's necessarily wrong to want what you want, especially if you're fine with never getting married. However, clearly that would make you incompatible with this particular man, since HE wants to live together.

 

It is really up to you, what you decide to do. However, I will also say that living together doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be joined at the hip 24/7 and spending your entire time off work with each other. People can live together but still have their own hobbies, personal time, time with friends, etc.

 

I hugely value my personal space and time, but do not feel invaded when I live with the man I love. Especially when we were able to have a house with 2 bedrooms, where we could convert one into a study and spend time there alone if needed. Living in a small place with only 1 bedroom can be an issue, but aside from that I didn't have any problems with it.

[Gaeta]

How long have you been dating?

 

 

Like you my boyfriend has a fear of moving in together. Once in a while he has a need of being on his own so he has his apartment to go back to. He'll go 2-3 days and he's back at my place. I think he has not gone back to his apartment for 2 months now. We pretty much live like a live-in couple going back home to each other each night. He needs this apartment for his peace of mind so be it. In our case we make the most of it. I own my home in the suburb where we spend most of our time and he rents a little apartment downtown which is super fun and useful when we go out, we even use it if we have family coming over and not enough place for everybody to sleep we have people use it or we use it ourselves. The apartment is extra money but for now if it's the price for him to feel happy it's ok.

 

 

 

I don't mind my BF's fear and it suits me a little. I have lost 2 houses so far to divorces because I could not afford to keep them on my own. Homes I had pored my heart into so it was very difficult. This one I bought on my own and I can afford it whether it's a sunny day or rainy day. I am VERY hesitant to sell it and use the liquidity on a house we would buy together. Again buying a bigger house I wouldn't be able to keep on my own if our relationship went south.

 

 

 

If you keep both your homes why not do like we do, we live in one during the week, we enjoy the other one on the weekend, there is no obligation of being together all the time. If one of us feels the need to spend some time alone we go home, there is no grudge or judgement from the other one. What I like about this is him and I are together because we 'want to' and not because we 'have to'.

Edited August 14, 2018 by Gaeta

[carhill]

Not a problem for me. Historically, I've only lived with someone I've been married to, while married, and I don't expect to be married again. However, I'm likely less territorial than most men. Ladies these days are quite independent and certainly able to maintain their own life and lifestyle without a man. I've been doing it since my early 20's and finally whittled the home ownership thing down to two, hopefully one soon. Still, maintaining is doable.

 

IMO, you made your case well OP. Relationships turn on compatibility. I wouldn't be compatible with someone who wants to move in with me or me her as a dating/BF-GF deal. Billions around they can do that with.

[No_Go]

It could be a dealbreaker for some, for others could be a great thing, depends on the person/couple.

 

I've lived with 2 BFs in the past. Moved in with the first after 4 weeks of dating (dumb, I know) and he mooched tons of money off me, it was a terrible decision. Moved in with the other after 8 months of dating, we were okay as roommates but it delayed and complicated the breakup that happened an year later big time. I believe we would have never made it so long (which was wasted time for both of us, we were truly incompatible) if we didn't move in.

 

Now, I'm taking it very slow and love it. No way to move in within the next year (and we've been already dating 8 months), maybe in a couple of years or when I get pregnant, whichever comes first. But since we both own our places, it will be much more complicated legally. He lived in his house for his whole life, and is too attached to it to ever sell it, I bought mine too recently to make any financial sense to sell it. So maintaining 2 households, actually 3 houses total, is the way to go.

 

Side note, the speedy move-ins were terrible on me psychologically. They create an artificial bond and faux commitment feel that really made me miserable since I didn't have the time to evaluate the dudes in advance. I'km also strictly against sleepovers every night - that's even worse than move-in (it's a half-as*ed move-in so one party doesn't pay rent or whatever similar reason motivates it)... having flashbacks for packing overnight bags the whole time and not being able to take care of my own place and needs because of the constant sleepovers, bleh, never again...

[thefooloftheyear]

Y'know...

 

I wonder if this is something some people would subconsciously do to try to maintain some "freshness" and prevent the possibility that when you see all of the person's faults and quirks, bathroom habits, doing their dirty laundry, etc... the shine wears off...

 

I've known women that wouldn't want to be seen before they had a chance to get prepped as they normally would...Forget that when you live together..

 

They do say that familiarity breeds contempt...Is this a manifestation of that?? Hmmm...

 

TFY

[JuneL]

Y'know...

 

I wonder if this is something some people would subconsciously do to try to maintain some "freshness" and prevent the possibility that when you see all of the person's faults and quirks, bathroom habits, doing their dirty laundry, etc... the shine wears off...

 

I've known women that wouldn't want to be seen before they had a chance to get prepped as they normally would...Forget that when you live together..

 

They do say that familiarity breeds contempt...Is this a manifestation of that?? Hmmm...

 

TFY

 

I know of a high maintenance woman who has to get up much earlier than her husband, so that she can finish doing her makeup and grooming herself before the husband wakes up every morning

[carhill]

I had heard about all that 'reality' stuff prior to getting married and TBH my wife was no different, at all, from when we were dating and having weekend stayovers due to distance. No surprises at all, and she shared similar about mysef. No 'best behavior' stuff. We were older so maybe that was a factor, IDK.

 

Since I've lived alone a lot, I like my space and am used to making it my own. I would expect women are similar and noted that when married as my wife took over the house. As an older man, struggling mightily to retain my own domiciles for decades, I think I'll have them reflect my own taste moving forward. Being in friend's homes over a long time, I've noted similar to my marriage the wife takes over the house and the man is relegated to his office or garage. That's fine for them. Not for me and I'm too old and have worked too hard for what I have in life to spend it negotiating with a woman over where I live. She can enjoy making her home any way she chooses and I'll respect and celebrate her creativity and effort. Just leave mine alone

[No_Go]

I know of a high maintenance woman who has to get up much earlier than her husband, so that she can finish doing her makeup and grooming herself before the husband wakes up every morning

 

Ok that's obviously extreme, but I don't get the other end of the spectrum either - e.g. acting gross in front of a live-in partner. What's the goal - it's one thing if they happen to see you au natural when you wake up, and another thing to fart in sweats the whole weekend It will decrease my libido for sure if I had live-in mate like this...

[Otter2569]

We have a similar situation going on but we both have homes. Luckily we also both have kids at home and live 30 minutes apart so there is no need to make any decisions for a few years.

 

At one point we talked about moving in togther. Yeah, it would save a ton of $$ but you cant put a price on alone time and piece of mind. I also know that her daughter would drive me nuts - we have very different personalities. Luckily she knows her daughter can be challenging at times. Admittedly it also keeps things fresh and we always have a place to sneak off to and be alone.

 

I know several couples that have maintained their separate places and have had a relationship for years. Do what is right for you!

[basil67]

to fart in sweats the whole weekend It will decrease my libido for sure if I had live-in mate like this...

 

Haha, that rules me out! Thankfully my hubby farts as much as me.

[Noproblem]

Actually, I understand your point of view, living with someone is just too much! I prefer it takes away from our personality and independence, and our space.

 

Just imagine how one person can ruin our diet style!

 

 

I see the solution would be is buying a huge house and having a part of it for you only, it is kinda part of the house but separated with its own kitchenette and living area and 1 bedroom with bathroom.

 

Like a man cave but it's a woman cave, with its own garden and stuff.

 

 

There are some houses like this, or you can build it like this.

 

Like some houses have some other cottage in the garden or the yard, that is separated.

 

 

I don't know. If you love him and he loves you, this is a good compromise.

Edited August 14, 2018 by Noproblem