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Frustration with feeling regarding ex-girlfriend


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Old 12th August 2018, 2:00 PM   #1
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Frustration with feeling regarding ex-girlfriend

Hello all,

My girlfriend (we'd been dating ~1 year) decided to end our relationship several weeks ago, though wanted to continue to be friends. I basically reciprocated this sentiment, though I hadn't really wanted to end the relationship, and it's clear to me that I was more emotionally attached to her than vice versa (she is more emotionally detached from people than me I think). It's been somewhat hard for me, though I thought I was, gradually, acclimating to things. I was fairly sure I wanted to keep her as a friend. I don't, incidentally, have any other close friends, and there are very few people I've met other than her to whom I can relate. I still have feelings for her of course, romantically, sexually, etc. I was not sure if this would be an issue.

Well, yesterday, she rather casually mentioned (via text) having just performed oral sex on a (male) friend of hers (that I also know), and for some reason this made me rather upset. Obviously I didn't mention this, but thinking about it made it nearly impossible for me to sleep last night. This is making me question whether I will be able to continue to be friends with her. The thought of having to listen to her talk about her sex life in particular causes me some distress. I don't know if this feeling will subside over time or not. I don't know what to do.

I'll add that, in general, there's an asymmetry between us. She would essentially still be my best friend, but I would not be hers, as she has several other close friends; and now that we're not dating, and because she doesn't really like socializing in general, it's clear that she would be spending far less time with me (I expect maybe I'll see her once every couple weeks or so, and even then usually in a small group setting rather than one on one), which seems like something of an anguished relationship for this level of emotional investment I have with her. (Note, by the way, that this isn't mere inertia: she has actively insisted that she wants to be friends).

So, yeah, I'm beginning to wonder if our (what feels to me rather limited, 'half-assed') friendship isn't just going to be a source of emotional distress for me. If our interaction isn't just going to constantly tear open old wounds, especially when she talks about romantic/sexual topics.

At the same time, I'm wondering if my doubts about being friends with her aren't partly motivated by spite, and therefore should be ignored, or by my, perhaps unhealthy, instinct to react to painful social situations by just withdrawing into myself. And also, it'd be saddening to lose my only close friend. I'm having difficulty deciding which path, in the long run, would be the least wretched. So, anyone have any thoughts? Had similar experiences? Any ideas on how I might expect my feelings to progress with time?
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Old 12th August 2018, 4:20 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by ConflictedPerson View Post
My girlfriend (we'd been dating ~1 year) decided to end our relationship several weeks ago, though wanted to continue to be friends.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConflictedPerson View Post
Well, yesterday, she rather casually mentioned (via text) having just performed oral sex on a (male) friend of hers (that I also know), and for some reason this made me rather upset.
What an unfriendly, insensitive and honestly rather douchey thing to do. Real friends are aware and protective of your feelings. Were I you, I'd step away...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 12th August 2018, 4:24 PM   #3
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Speaking from personal experience, walk away and never talk to her again. You'll never move on until you do. Let her perform whatever she likes with whoever she likes.
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Old 12th August 2018, 7:56 PM   #4
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Wow! She's all class! <---sarcasm.


I'd not be associating with her in your shoes.
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Old 12th August 2018, 9:58 PM   #5
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What she told you was total TMI. You don't need to hear that stuff. I think this is just going to cause you more distress to stay friends with her.
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Old 12th August 2018, 11:09 PM   #6
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That is revolting. How insensitive, vile and damn right self-absorbed! She is n never will be a true friend. U need to find groups u can join that have commin interests to open up ur network of friends.

Don't close the door on her. Slam it shut!
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Old 12th August 2018, 11:53 PM   #7
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You should value yourself more than to act like her tag along friend.

Move on like she has.
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Old 13th August 2018, 12:29 AM   #8
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This is all more easily said than done. I've never had a closer friend than this woman, nor do I relate well to others, so having a close friend with whom I share similar intellectual interests and have common enough values or personality that I can be completely honest with, and whatnot; admittedly, part of why we were compatible was a lack of concern for "normal" social norms (perhaps why she doesn't see an issue with saying the things that made me feel uncomfortable), and I have difficulty with social norms as well.

In any case, I'm apprehensive about going back to the way things were before, and just spending all my time by myself, and losing a close friend, of which I've always been in short supply. I'm not fully persuaded. I feel very much between a proverbial rock and a hard place.
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Old 13th August 2018, 12:37 AM   #9
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I understand. What you're describing is partly why many couples cannot be "just friends" after breaking up. Reasons for this vary of course. But I'd imagine the most common reason is because people still have feelings for each other. Incidentally, she may not want to lose your friendship either...and for whatever reason she felt "free" to share that with you.

Here's something you can do: Next time she starts to tell you things about her intimacy with other guys, just tell her that's 'TMI, TMI'...and maybe she'll get the hint you don't want to hear about that. If she is going to prove to be a true friend to you then she will need to respect your boundaries.
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Old 13th August 2018, 6:06 AM   #10
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Re: MountainGirl111

Thanks. I just asked her last night (I think it's morning now) if she could refrain from discussing this topic with me, and she agreed. So some relief on that front.


Perhaps it will clarify things, but this is a person who strongly identifies as "rational," and habitually looks at many of the emotional habits and taboos of people in general as 'irrational.' I might describe this mentality as intellectual autism, in that she eschews or dislikes many social norms and aspects of standard social interaction without actually being (well, totally) socially dysfunctional. I suppose perhaps she assumed prima facie me to 'rational' enough not to be bothered by this, if that makes sense.
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