Dilemma

[Jackisjacked12]

So i met my girlfriend just over a month ago at school.She was in a relationship at the time but broke up with her ex a few days later because he cheated on her.We got really close and started dating last week.However,her ex still texts her saying he misses her and that she should leave me.At first she was honest with me but now she doesn't tell me when they text except when I ask her.She says she will never take him back and is falling for me but I find it hard to believe.The other day she and the ex texted but she didn't tell me.She told me yesterday and when I asked her what he said,she just said 'nothing'.It really pissed me off.I don't know what to do now.I really like her and she says she is falling in love with me but I feel like she is still in love with her ex.I know she will be heartbroken if I dump her but I feel like I should to avoid getting my own heart broken.I don't know what to do anymore.

P.S. This is my first relationship so I'm not sure what to do.

[Gaeta]

You will discover at any age it's not a good idea to date people that are freshly out of a relationship and didn't have some alone time between relationships. It's only been a month I don't think it's worth all the aggravations. Don't date girls that have other dudes and exs in their life and on the phone.

 

I am much older than you and I had many relationships and was married. Never in my life I had to deal with other women wanting my bf because I never wanted to date someone freshly out of a relationship. Even if the guy was super cool and hot as soon as learn he's just broken up I'd say 'no thank you I am not interested in going out with you'.

[somanymistakes]

I'm guessing you're pretty young.

 

This is kind of normal. A LOT of school relationships last for only a few days or weeks and then people drift around again. You're all just figuring out how things work and what you want out of life.

 

I don't think she's "in love" with you or him or anyone. And she's not going to be "heartbroken" if you break up. You've barely even started dating, you hardly know each other. You've gone out a couple of times, it's not even really a 'relationship'. You're both kind of blowing all this out of proportion.

 

Yeah, breaking up sucks, it'll make both of you feel bad for a while. But she's clearly still got her eye on her ex, and you're not really ready to handle this kind of chaos. I don't think you want to deal with dating her non-exclusively either, do you?

 

Break up with her politely, tell her that you don't think the time is right at the moment.

[salparadise]

You're right to be suspicious and concerned. She's still attached at the hip to her ex. He cheated but instead of actually being done with him she's engaging in a dramatic struggle... and guess who's an integral part of it? Yup. While she may like you, she's also using you to have the upper hand over him in the drama. So you're actually in a three-way thing, a triangle, with her and the ex. Not a good place to be for a nice guy who just wants a genuine, honest girlfriend.

 

Standard advice would be to cut her loose and find someone uncomplicated to date, but I know that's hard to do... and she'd be back with him within two minutes. So, a second option would be to challenge and see how it shakes out... back off a bit and wait for her to come and ask what's wrong... tell her that you've realized this isn't going to work because she's still involved with her ex. Tell her it's just too complicated, doesn't feel congruent. Then observe what happens next. Three possibilities a) she says ok, goodbye and goes back to ex, b) she tries to negotiate so that she can keep both of you on the string, or c) she blocks the ex and goes total NC to preserve her relationship with you.

 

If it's a or b, let her go. If it's c then maybe there's a chance.

[Jackisjacked12]

Thanks for the advice.I'm breaking up with her tomorrow.