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What can I do to get her back?


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I'll keep this as short as I can. My ex and I dated for 4 years. Right before our vacation for our 4 year anniversary she found out I was in some debt. Nothing crazy or unmanageable but it was the fact that I hid it from her that sparked the break up. However the next day she decided she wanted to work on things together and we went on vacation. We had an amazing time. We came back and everything was fine for about a week then she started getting distant. She ended up saying she needed space. In these 4 years we did everything together so giving her space was extremely hard and I think i pushed her away. She says I broke all her trust and thats why she broke up with me. I understand I hurt her but we were madly in love. We talked about getting married and I had planned on proposing at the end of this year. I tried to convince her of all the good times and that I could gain her trust back but I was too pushy and it only made her angry. It has now been a month and a half since the break and we very rarely talk. She is also seeing a new guy. I am almost positive it is just a rebound to help her get over me but it hurts. I would do anything to get her back but I don’t know what to do.

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Money causes a lot of problems.

 

I suppose you could ask her to work with you to make a budget to pay down the debt. See if that placates her.

 

Since you said the debt is not that significant, it sounds like an excuse.

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I'll keep this as short as I can. My ex and I dated for 4 years. Right before our vacation for our 4 year anniversary she found out I was in some debt. Nothing crazy or unmanageable but it was the fact that I hid it from her that sparked the break up. However the next day she decided she wanted to work on things together and we went on vacation. We had an amazing time.

 

Have to admit, this made me laugh. Isn't a vacation the type of thing that adds to debt?

 

vpeoni34, who paid for the trip? What was the source of this hidden debt and why didn't she know about it?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'll keep this as short as I can. My ex and I dated for 4 years. Right before our vacation for our 4 year anniversary she found out I was in some debt. Nothing crazy or unmanageable but it was the fact that I hid it from her that sparked the break up. However the next day she decided she wanted to work on things together and we went on vacation.

 

She wanted the vacation not you

 

We had an amazing time. We came back and everything was fine for about a week then she started getting distant. She ended up saying she needed space. In these 4 years we did everything together so giving her space was extremely

hard and I think i pushed her away.

 

She found someone else man. Wake up to reality

 

She says I broke all her trust and thats why she broke up with me. I understand I hurt her but we were madly in love.

 

It was an excuse to dump you for her other man. You may have been madly in love but she wasn't. Wake up

 

We talked about getting married and I had planned on proposing at the end of this year. I tried to convince her of all the good times and that I could gain her trust back but I was too pushy and it only made her angry. It has now been a month and a half since the break and we very rarely talk. She is also seeing a new guy.

 

He's not new. Just new to you. That's why you got dumped. Wake up

 

I am almost positive it is just a rebound to help her get over me but it hurts. I would do anything to get her back but I don’t know what to do.

 

You're in denial. Go nc and block her on everything unless you want to wallow in this awhile.

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ahhh…I don't think you can do anything to get her back unfortunately. if she is going to come back it will be her that comes to you, and if that were to happen, then it would still take time for her to have been with her partner and decided that she wants time out and then probably dates again someone else etc.

 

I think you need to try to move on, the bottom line is you "were" in love, but she is not giving you her time, attention or probably even thoughts right now so as hard as it is you need to work on yourself.

 

 

there are other girls in the world, and maybe if you can take the lesson that trust really is a big deal for many people.

 

 

it maybe that the money wasn't the reason, but it was the thing that made her question what your relationship is really about.

 

 

if its meant to be or its gonna happen it will, naturally. you want this right now, but she clearly doesn't im afraid.

 

 

sorry. but very best of luck with this one! once you heal you'll be keen to date at some point and show the world what a great guy you can be, and maybe might meet a girl that is more compatible for where you are now in life.

 

 

take care and be kind to yourself at this time. she has made a choice not to be with you, so if you want to show her you are and were a good guy you need to respect her choices, hard as they are for you. you had a chance and it didn't quite make it. but you will have another chance with another girl and im sure you will forget the heartache you are feeling at this moment.

 

 

if you are a grown man that just wants to get on with life then you'll be able to just do that ….don't even think of blocking her! it will show her just how immature and petty this situation has left you feeling!!! and besides if she were to change her mind in years to come (and again) another IF...if she were thinking of you and you blocked her you would be ruled out already.

 

 

it doesn't really matter what went on for her or why (in context to your question) the answer is still the same for now. so work on getting yourself back to being the guy that is ready to look again and give himself to a worthwhile relationship; one that can show him in his happy self and that has learned what trust means to a relationship, its not the same for everyone.

 

 

good luck and sorry you are feeling in the place you are in at the moment. it'll pass over, promise.

 

good wishes, vp, maxi.

Edited by maxi105
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Well , sorry but l'd be wondering about my trust in her.

after 4 yrs , marriage plans and all, in one month she's over you and managed to not only find but also quite happy to just start seeing someone else.

somem not right there.

 

To me it looks more like you just gave her the excuse she was already looking for, to come out of this all nice and smelling like roses and likely she already knew and was thinking about this guy.

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somanymistakes

Lying about your finances is considered just as much a deathblow to a relationship as sexual infidelity.

 

You say it was nothing crazy or unmanageable, but on the other hand, it was something you felt you had to hide. We don't know the details. It could be that this was no big deal and that she was already unsure whether she wanted to stay in the relationship, OR it could be that this really was a massive betrayal of trust and that you're downplaying it and trying to cover it up, like you covered it up to begin with. We don't know.

 

You had a secret problem debt, but you arranged a big fancy vacation? That would give a lot of people ambivalent feelings. Of course it was too late to cancel and get the money back, too, right?

 

Maybe she threw you in the trash for no reason.

 

Maybe you were horribly manipulative and only suddenly brought up "I was going to propose at the end of the year!" as a vague carrot in the hopes of sweeping your problems under the rug. Did you really intend to propose? After four years, many people would figure that if you actually intended a proposal, you would have done it on that four-year anniversary vacation.

 

I understand I hurt her but we were madly in love.

 

That's an excuse?

 

I tried to convince her of all the good times and that I could gain her trust back but I was too pushy and it only made her angry.

 

That definitely sounds like she thinks you're being emotionally manipulative.

 

In any case, though... she broke up with you.

 

She broke up with you and she's dating someone else and not talking to you.

 

How much more clear can she make this?

 

Your only hope of getting her back, and it's a very slim one, is to leave her alone and work on yourself. Resolve your debt issues. Be stable and secure. Don't be crazy, don't go begging around after her.

 

If she loves you, she may eventually realise she misses you.

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Since she's seeing a new guy this financial thing was most likely just a ruse.

 

However I also don't understand 2 things. 1). Why people on this board think anybody is required to disclose financial info to a BF/BF. The only person who ever got accurate info about my finances was my husband & that revelation came during the negotiations from our pre-nup. 2). What does the OP mean he "hid" his debt from her? Some debt is fairly obvious -- I assume people have college loans to pay off; if you have a house, you most likely have a mortgage; if you have a car, many people have a car loan; if you had a serious illness or accident there are probably bills; I also assume at any given time most folks are carrying a balance on credit cards. As long as that balance isn't 5 figures, it's not a deal breaker. So what was "hidden" from this GF?

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You're in denial. Go nc and block her on everything unless you want to wallow in this awhile.

 

I know for a fact the guy wasnt around before be broke up but thank you for your input

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Have to admit, this made me laugh. Isn't a vacation the type of thing that adds to debt?

 

vpeoni34, who paid for the trip? What was the source of this hidden debt and why didn't she know about it?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It was a cheap vacation to a family members vacation house. it was all split evenly

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Why did you hide it from her? That would be a deal breaker for me too. If you two got married it would be her debt too.

 

She comes from a family of more wealth and I was scared and embarrased to share my financial problems with her because she has never had to worry about money

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Since she's seeing a new guy this financial thing was most likely just a ruse.

 

However I also don't understand 2 things. 1). Why people on this board think anybody is required to disclose financial info to a BF/BF. The only person who ever got accurate info about my finances was my husband & that revelation came during the negotiations from our pre-nup. 2). What does the OP mean he "hid" his debt from her? Some debt is fairly obvious -- I assume people have college loans to pay off; if you have a house, you most likely have a mortgage; if you have a car, many people have a car loan; if you had a serious illness or accident there are probably bills; I also assume at any given time most folks are carrying a balance on credit cards. As long as that balance isn't 5 figures, it's not a deal breaker. So what was "hidden" from this GF?

 

Mainly just credit card debt. Not even over 4 digits but it was the hiding it i guess

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The debt that would upset me would be finding out a guy had to buy everything he wanted, like expensive electronics, always having to have then newest thing, going in debt to buy a boat that you hoped he was simply making enough money to afford, that type thing. A client of mine had a husband who began spending like crazy, new cars, boat, everything, and it was mainly because he was on meth.

 

Debt for necessities or good investments is one thing. Frivolous debt is another.

 

You could take a second job and pay off your debt and see if that impresses her.

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She comes from a family of more wealth and I was scared and embarrased to share my financial problems with her because she has never had to worry about money

 

Given this additional info, do you really think this break-up was over money and debt? It seemed she was looking for a way out and your cover-up provided her with a convenient excuse...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mainly just credit card debt. Not even over 4 digits but it was the hiding it i guess

 

You had less then $1,000 worth of credit card debt. Why in heaven's name is the even a GF/BF's business for pete's sake?

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somanymistakes

Yeah okay, less than a grand on a credit card sounds like she was just looking for an excuse to break up.

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Now that I read the part about her coming from a monied family, it's clear she found out you don't have much money and that money is her priority. She plans to marry a rich guy who can keep her in the manner to which she has become accustomed. It's not unusual. So she wasn't really straight with you. Your financial situation is NORMAL, and you need to date a normal hardworking woman who will appreciate you for who you are.

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Mainly just credit card debt. Not even over 4 digits but it was the hiding it i guess

 

That's peanuts and just an excuse.

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You had less then $1,000 worth of credit card debt. Why in heaven's name is the even a GF/BF's business for pete's sake?

 

I read "Not even over 4 digits" as being up to $9,999. Somewhat ambiguous, maybe the OP can clarify...

 

Mr. Lucky

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