what happens after you argue/fight?

[abandoned2018]

1 When you have an argument/ fight with your partner/spouse/GF/BF do you stay angry for days or do you quickly make up?

 

 

2 When you are angry, do you do the basic things like making sure they went to work safely, asking if they had lunch,accompanying them to the doctor if they are sick etc?

 

 

 

3 If you know you did something wrong/hurtful and your spouse/partner is angry, do you get angry at them or try to solve the problem calmly...?

 

 

 

 

4 If a partner/spouse is distant for days after a fight/argument even after you say sorry etc, do you start to feel hurt/angry ?

 

 

 

 

 

5 If yes for question number 4,then when that partner comes back to you ready to be loving, do you accept and be loving or do you need time to adjust...?

 

 

 

 

 

6 how do you solve conflicts in your relationship? do you have a per-agreed time frame/guidelines ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thank you..

[Bittersweetie]

I think the reaction would depend on the fight/argument. For example, if a spouse forgot to pick up dinner on the way home, that's a mild annoyance, not a fight. If it's a pattern of behavior, like the spouse always forgets to take on one's responsibilities, then that's a more serious disagreement and an argument/fight resulting from that would be different.

 

Personally, if my H and I are disagreeing about something, we talk about it then usually take a "time out" period where we both think about what the other has said. We will choose a time in the future to further discuss after reflection. Then we work through answers we're both satisfied with.

 

Now, we didn't get to this point overnight. Before my A if we had a disagreement I'd just seethe and build resentment. He would avoid conflict by not bringing stuff up at all.

 

After my d-day, we didn't talk or see each other for ten days. We both needed time to regroup and decide how to move forward. Then in the aftermath there were many difficult discussions...not "fights" but very unpleasant talk on both sides. It was during this time we created a new (and healthier) way to deal with our conflicts.

 

Obviously this is just my experience, my experience in a marriage.

[stillafool]

1. We don't stay angry at each other long. 1/2 hour the max.

 

2. Absolutely. Just because I'm angry doesn't mean I don't care for him.

 

3. Yes

 

4. We don't go days being angry. See #1

 

5. NA

 

6. We solve them in bed.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Depends on what the fight is about,

Generally, if I'm mad for days, I'm on my way out,

I don't really like drama and I can usually put up with a lot,

However, there's some topics I won't budge or give it any thought.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 When you have an argument/ fight with your partner/spouse/GF/BF do you stay angry for days or do you quickly make up?

 

 

2 When you are angry, do you do the basic things like making sure they went to work safely, asking if they had lunch,accompanying them to the doctor if they are sick etc?

 

 

 

3 If you know you did something wrong/hurtful and your spouse/partner is angry, do you get angry at them or try to solve the problem calmly...?

 

 

 

 

4 If a partner/spouse is distant for days after a fight/argument even after you say sorry etc, do you start to feel hurt/angry ?

 

 

 

 

 

5 If yes for question number 4,then when that partner comes back to you ready to be loving, do you accept and be loving or do you need time to adjust...?

 

 

 

 

 

6 how do you solve conflicts in your relationship? do you have a per-agreed time frame/guidelines ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thank you..

 

What's your definition of "partner?"

[S_A]

1 When you have an argument/ fight with your partner/spouse/GF/BF do you stay angry for days or do you quickly make up?

 

I get over it as soon as it ends. She learned from me to do the same early on in our relationship. Well before getting married. But we seldom argue, and I think that matters A LOT. I think it's much easier to stay angry after a fight if you are fighting often. What also matters is that neither of us take it personally, but then again, we don't use personal attacks and say things like "you're stupid" or "I hate you" or "you're a b----."

 

2 When you are angry, do you do the basic things like making sure they went to work safely, asking if they had lunch,accompanying them to the doctor if they are sick etc?

 

Naturally, because I do not stay angry.

 

3 If you know you did something wrong/hurtful and your spouse/partner is angry, do you get angry at them or try to solve the problem calmly...?

 

We solve it. Nothing (so far) that has been hurtful has been intentional. It is important for both partners to really understand that there was not intent. This will greatly civilize the dispute.

 

4 If a partner/spouse is distant for days after a fight/argument even after you say sorry etc, do you start to feel hurt/angry ?

 

I will not let my wife go to bed upset. That's a rule of mine. So... N/A?

 

 

5 If yes for question number 4,then when that partner comes back to you ready to be loving, do you accept and be loving or do you need time to adjust...?

 

N/A

 

6 how do you solve conflicts in your relationship? do you have a per-agreed time frame/guidelines ?

 

LOL HELL NO! Last thing I'd want a wife of mine to do is to be upset about something and let it marinate.

[somanymistakes]

1 When you have an argument/ fight with your partner/spouse/GF/BF do you stay angry for days or do you quickly make up?

 

Depends on what we're fighting about.

 

2 When you are angry, do you do the basic things like making sure they went to work safely, asking if they had lunch,

 

I don't do these things regularly when we're NOT angry. I'm his partner, not his mother.

 

accompanying them to the doctor if they are sick etc?

 

If it's serious, yes. If it's not, see above. My partner is not a child, I don't have to take him to the doctor.

 

3 If you know you did something wrong/hurtful and your spouse/partner is angry, do you get angry at them or try to solve the problem calmly...?

 

This is an unfair question because very few people "know they did something wrong" when they're upset. Even if they know they are a little bit guilty, they're usually being emotional and more overwhelmed by what they think the other person did wrong.

 

Who sits there and thinks "I'm totally in the wrong, so I'll shout at someone instead"? They're usually in denial that anything is their fault.

 

I'm only going to realise "maybe it was my screwup" later, when I've had time to calm down.

 

4 If a partner/spouse is distant for days after a fight/argument even after you say sorry etc, do you start to feel hurt/angry ?

 

Probably? Not really familiar with this though.

 

6 how do you solve conflicts in your relationship? do you have a per-agreed time frame/guidelines ?

 

Well, I agree with "don't go to bed mad" but I can't put a timeframe on things because depending on how upset I am it may take more or less time for me to calm down.

[Otter2569]

Great questions...I am kinda stewing on some things at the moment so its very timely.

 

We do not fight much - thankfully but that also means that we have to work harder at addressing the issue when there is a disagreement. Usually we call each other out and resolve it quickly for the obvious things.

 

I grew up in a household with A LOT of yelling so I don't want to be like my dickhead step father. I tend to think on things and not rush to judgement then talk about it after having digesting the situation. This is more with subtle slights but I also recognize that it is passive aggressive and that's not good either.

 

bottom line - I need to work on resolving conflict more effectively (timely and sharing how I feel vs dwelling on it for days and reading into things). Once we talk we usually get back very fast and are very affectionate.

Edited July 3, 2018 by Otter2569

[d0nnivain]

We had one BIG fight . . . I thought he was thinking about being unfaithful & he was absolutely disrespectful. He was away on business; I took off & went home. We didn't talk for 2 days.

 

 

Other "fights" are more disagreements . . . the upset lasts a few minutes, maybe an hour or two & the more upset one apologizes. I would never fail to do the basics while in a relationship. If the fight was so bad it caused a break up no I don't think I'd accompany my SO the doctor.

[lana-banana]

1 When you have an argument/ fight with your partner/spouse/GF/BF do you stay angry for days or do you quickly make up?

 

If it's a big fight, it might take a half-hour or so for me to cool down and be prepared to discuss it reasonably. If it's a minor annoyance, we're over it in a few minutes.

 

2 When you are angry, do you do the basic things like making sure they went to work safely, asking if they had lunch,accompanying them to the doctor if they are sick etc?

 

Yeah, of course. Just because we're annoyed with each other is no reason to skip a good-bye kiss.

 

3 If you know you did something wrong/hurtful and your spouse/partner is angry, do you get angry at them or try to solve the problem calmly...?

 

If I'm the one who messes up, I'm not going to be angry at my husband. I will apologize and do what I can to make it better. He does the same.

 

4 If a partner/spouse is distant for days after a fight/argument even after you say sorry etc, do you start to feel hurt/angry ?

 

We've never really had a fight where the aftereffects lingered significantly for days at a time. I associate that more with boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Anyone would be hurt and angry if that happened.

 

5 If yes for question number 4,then when that partner comes back to you ready to be loving, do you accept and be loving or do you need time to adjust...?

 

N/A...

 

6 how do you solve conflicts in your relationship? do you have a per-agreed time frame/guidelines ?

 

Once the hurt feelings are out, we address them with calm (as possible) conversation. A lot of our fights happen when one of us thinks we're helping the other, when we're actually and unintentionally getting in the other's way, so when we talk we realize hey, s/he was trying to help. In cases when we're just straight-up annoyed at each other, we use I statements ("when you X I felt Y") and talk about what we can do to prevent it from happening again.

 

When we're extremely upset or annoyed, we'll take some time out. I might go for a walk around the block, he might work in the basement for a while, and so on. But we always talk about it and make clear to the other person that we're just cooling down.

[basil67]

1 When you have an argument/ fight with your partner/spouse/GF/BF do you stay angry for days or do you quickly make up?

 

We both let it go fairly quickly. Sometimes the issues may niggle away unspoken for a day or two, but after that it just drifts away.

 

2 When you are angry, do you do the basic things like making sure they went to work safely, asking if they had lunch,accompanying them to the doctor if they are sick etc?

 

I'd take them to the doctor if required, but short of hurricane conditions, I've never felt the need to check on them getting to work safely. I would never ask if they had lunch. As a previous poster said, I'm a partner, not a parent.

 

3 If you know you did something wrong/hurtful and your spouse/partner is angry, do you get angry at them or try to solve the problem calmly...?

 

If I did something wrong or hurtful, I would apologise.

 

4 If a partner/spouse is distant for days after a fight/argument even after you say sorry etc, do you start to feel hurt/angry ?

 

Excluding issues such as cheating (which would understandably bring such an outcome), a person who stayed distant for days would not become a partner/spouse of mine. It's one of my dealbreakers. I threw a boyfriend out once because he wouldn't speak for 4 days and wouldn't say why.

 

5 If yes for question number 4,then when that partner comes back to you ready to be loving, do you accept and be loving or do you need time to adjust...?

 

No, they will be done. As I said, it's a dealbreaker.

 

6 how do you solve conflicts in your relationship? do you have a per-agreed time frame/guidelines ? '

 

We try to avoid conflict. Pick our battles. Give someone a pass if they are tired and a bit snappy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

thank you..

Edited July 3, 2018 by basil67

[abandoned2018]

What's your definition of "partner?"

 

 

 

 

i have said spouse/GF/BF. so by "partner" i meant someone with whom a person is living together with...

 

 

 

this is not entirely related to what i am going through. these questions are asked so that i can develop healthy boundaries in future relationships. i am not saying what everyone else is doing is correct for me, but i am just reading other people's experiences so that i can gain knowledge.

[preraph]

I like to let the resentment build up until I'm fed up enough to just break up. I don't like fighting. I am taking notes the whole time, though. But I don't want to become someone who has nasty verbal fights. But then I'm also not driven to have a partner like most people, so....

[snowboy91]

1 When you have an argument/ fight with your partner/spouse/GF/BF do you stay angry for days or do you quickly make up?

 

I always tried to have the argument resolved then and there. Or at least set a path to resolving it so there is hope on both sides.

 

2 When you are angry, do you do the basic things like making sure they went to work safely, asking if they had lunch,accompanying them to the doctor if they are sick etc?

I'm generally not an angry person. But if I am upset with someone for an extended length of time, I still do the basic things as expected.

 

 

3 If you know you did something wrong/hurtful and your spouse/partner is angry, do you get angry at them or try to solve the problem calmly...?

 

Calmly every time. What's the point of getting angry if you know you were the one who messed up? It just creates more anger.

 

 

4 If a partner/spouse is distant for days after a fight/argument even after you say sorry etc, do you start to feel hurt/angry ?

 

I'd be really hurt because it means my partner isn't able to communicate how she is feeling to me. And I'd be really unsure why she isn't able to do so.

 

 

5 If yes for question number 4,then when that partner comes back to you ready to be loving, do you accept and be loving or do you need time to adjust...?

Depends what it is. Usually I'm ready to be loving.

 

 

 

6 how do you solve conflicts in your relationship? do you have a per-agreed time frame/guidelines ?

 

The initial step is to actually listen and work out where the conflict is coming from. The second step is to be willing to make changes without overstepping one's own boundaries (and this latter part is what I really struggled with in my last relationship - I was regularly guilted into subjugating myself without realising it).

 

 

 

 

 

I like to let the resentment build up until I'm fed up enough to just break up. I don't like fighting. I am taking notes the whole time, though. But I don't want to become someone who has nasty verbal fights. But then I'm also not driven to have a partner like most people, so....

 

I'm afraid I don't consider this a healthy strategy for resolving conflict. There is no way you can agree on absolutely everything with anyone, especially in a relationship. Fights are inevitable, but dealing with conflict effectively is a skill which is handy in every walk of life, not just relationships.

[preraph]

Again just depends how bad you want to be partnered up. I'm one of those if it isn't fun, I don't need it people. If I was one of the many people who don't feel complete without a partner, I'd be motivated to try harder.

[Otter2569]

Again just depends how bad you want to be partnered up. I'm one of those if it isn't fun, I don't need it people. If I was one of the many people who don't feel complete without a partner, I'd be motivated to try harder.

 

May sound selfish but I never felt I needed anyone to make me feel complete. I am happy single (after 18 years of marriage). Dating is nice and I am more of a relationship guy but I have always felt fine as I am. I have no trouble meeting woman and typically have several woman friends so I am rarely alone - unless I want to be.