Unknown18 Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 (edited) So I've been dating this guy for over a year and whilst in the "talking stage" he asked me about pervious partners which I lied about (in hindsight that probably wasn't a good idea) but we spoke about it and that was that, or so I thought. 9 months down the line...he accuses me of cheating almost daily. I've never cheated in any relationship I've been in and never would. We've had conversations about people from my past a lot but he can't seem to move forward. He goes through my phone any chance he can get, now bearing in mind he's never found anything because obviously I haven't done anything and therefore there would be nothing to find. (He's also saved numbers from my phone from iCloud backup. People who I no longer talk to and haven't for years) He questions me about the men I work with even though I've told him consistently I'm not attracted to them. My frustration comes from on my part being accused of being a liar, it generally makes me angry as I've supported him through a lot throughout the relationship but nothing seems to change. The response I get from becoming angry is "cheaters always get angry as they've got something to hide" there's literally no winning. I understand he's insecure and has been cheated on in the past, however I am not any of his ex's (not yet at least). He moans about bruises I get yet knows I'm quite a clumsy person (I walk in to door frames) he's witnessed this on several occasions. He's met my family but moans about not meeting my closest girl friend, yet we're clearly going through issues and I talk to her and him about them. It's got to the point now where I want to end things but every time I've asked him to leave he refuses and acts like he's done nothing wrong. I've cried a lot throughout the duration of the relationship and I just don't feel happy anymore. Suggestions anyone? Has anyone else been accused of cheating whilst being innocent? Edited June 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 (edited) Is he mentally OK? I mean this really sounds like it's some kind of mental disorder, maybe OCD. He was normal for the first 9 months or he's always been accusing you? If there's no issues, then you are a saint for putting up with this for so long. After a year he should trust you, and you him. If there is no trust then there can be no relationship. I don't see this changing overnight (or at all to be honest) so I don't see much future for this relationship. The longer you stay in it, the more it will do your head in and the more of your life you will waste on a guy who will probably one day be diagnosed with a mental disorder... Personally I would have dumped him a long time ago. Life is too short to give it away to people who treat you like that. Edited June 4, 2018 by PegNosePete 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 I’m sorry, but you walk into door frames? There’s not enough info to get a full picture here. Are you two living together? Do you have male friends? Are you in touch with any exes? Do you flirt with men when you two go out? Have you been having sex regularly? Absent all those things, it’s possible he’s still scarred by the trauma of having been cheated on and betrayed. Do you show him affection to calm him down when he expresses doubt? I’m not saying it’s fair that he’s carrying this emotional baggage into your relationship with him, but there might be a way for you to change his way of thinking. Sometimes the best way to help someone heal is to give them a lot of love. You may not feel it’s fair to you and you may not feel it’s your responsibility, but if you love him, it could be worth the effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unknown18 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 He's always been paranoid (not that I can say that word to him as it's a trigger) he consentally compares me to pervious ex's. I honestly don't see things changing either as it's been like this for as long as I can remember. I asked him to leave this morning and he's currently at work but as I said whenever I ask him to leave he refuses. Not sure what else I'm supposed to do in regards to ending the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unknown18 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 Yes I walk into door frames. We don't live together as he has his own place too but usually stays at mine. I have no male friends, not in contact with any ex's nor am I a flirt, in fact I'm the opposite and will shut conversations down before they even begin. Obviously the sec life has suffered has his insecurities have now brought forth my own. I am affectionate and like I said we've had conversations about how he's feeling/thinking. But it's an everyday occurrence. I've not long started a new job and he wants to know who I'm working with and also to show these people on social media (their not on mine so I therefore do not know how to find them) Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 So you don’t want to try? At this point you just want him to leave you alone? Do you know any of his friends or family? Perhaps they can intervene and help you. I feel sorry for the guy. It sounds like previous relationships have really messed him up. Maybe if you sit down with him calmly and explain that this is not working and that you feel that you want to be single for a while, instead of asking him to leave, maybe that will work better. Whatever he’s going through, you turn him into a pest when you ask him to leave. It probably puts him on the defensive and that’s another trigger. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 (edited) I asked him to leave this morning and he's currently at work but as I said whenever I ask him to leave he refuses. Not sure what else I'm supposed to do in regards to ending the relationship. Deciding to end the relationship is the hard part. If you've done that, then we can certainly help with the practicalities. Edited after I saw your living circumstances. Then the solution is easy. You change the locks and tell him he is no longer welcome in your property. If he attempts to break in or won't leave, call the police. Drop his stuff round to his place. Job done. Once you decide it's over, you will have to be very firm. No 2nd chances, no taking him back, no backing down. You need to make a plan, and stick to it. If you go back on yourself such as allowing him back after kicking him out then it will make you look weak and he will know he can get away with it again and again. Edited June 4, 2018 by PegNosePete 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Logo Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 (edited) Deciding to end the relationship is the hard part. If you've done that, then we can certainly help with the practicalities. Edited after I saw your living circumstances. Then the solution is easy. You change the locks and tell him he is no longer welcome in your property. If he attempts to break in or won't leave, call the police. Drop his stuff round to his place. Job done. Once you decide it's over, you will have to be very firm. No 2nd chances, no taking him back, no backing down. You need to make a plan, and stick to it. If you go back on yourself such as allowing him back after kicking him out then it will make you look weak and he will know he can get away with it again and again. [] The guy is clearly going through ....something. And your answer is to call the police and cause him more damage? What if he needs to be hospitalized instead of being thrown in a jail cell? The police are not miracle workers and they won’t have a magic solution. She’s been with him 9 months. Fine, he’s annoying. There’s got to be a humane solution that doesn’t involve demeaning the man and treating him like a cockroach. [] Edited June 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unknown18 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 I have tried. I've tried for months. I do know some of his family and friends but I don't feel discussing our relationship with them would go down well. I've also tried to tell him in a conversation several times I think it would be best to separate as it's not healthy for either of us. I've been in a similar situation when I haven't trusted a partner having found evidence of infertility, that is clearly not the case in this relationship. We had an arugement yesterday in which he stated he had cheated on me and "I wouldn't of done it if it wasn't worth it" and having calmed down later, stated that he hadn't cheated and just wanted a reaction to see if I cared. I find that extremely unfair, obviously I have feelings for him given I've been with him for over a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unknown18 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 Thank you for your advice. I will sit down with him later when he finishes work and hopefully after having the conversation he may understand from my point of view and also it's best for both of us to end things and more forward with our lives separately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unknown18 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 Yeah in all honesty I wouldn't call the police he's not violent towards me and never has been Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 I would never be in a relationship with a man who does not trust me and creates this much drama. No, thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 So I've been dating this guy for over a year and whilst in the "talking stage" he asked me about pervious partners which I lied about (in hindsight that probably wasn't a good idea) but we spoke about it and that was that, or so I thought. 9 months down the line...he accuses me of cheating almost daily. I've never cheated in any relationship I've been in and never would. We've had conversations about people from my past a lot but he can't seem to move forward. He goes through my phone any chance he can get, now bearing in mind he's never found anything because obviously I haven't done anything and therefore there would be nothing to find. (He's also saved numbers from my phone from iCloud backup. People who I no longer talk to and haven't for years) He questions me about the men I work with even though I've told him consistently I'm not attracted to them. My frustration comes from on my part being accused of being a liar, it generally makes me angry as I've supported him through a lot throughout the relationship but nothing seems to change. The response I get from becoming angry is "cheaters always get angry as they've got something to hide" there's literally no winning. I understand he's insecure and has been cheated on in the past, however I am not any of his ex's (not yet at least). He moans about bruises I get yet knows I'm quite a clumsy person (I walk in to door frames) he's witnessed this on several occasions. He's met my family but moans about not meeting my closest girl friend, yet we're clearly going through issues and I talk to her and him about them. It's got to the point now where I want to end things but every time I've asked him to leave he refuses and acts like he's done nothing wrong. I've cried a lot throughout the duration of the relationship and I just don't feel happy anymore. Suggestions anyone? Has anyone else been accused of cheating whilst being innocent? Sorry you're going through this. First, the lesson you should take away is *never lie* in a relationship, over *anything*, no matter how apparently small. White lies are trust destroyers too. That's not to put all the blame on you, he sounds chronically insecure also. Second, its not an option for him to "refuse" that you leave him. If you want to leave him, he has to suck it up. You don't "ask" someone for permission to leave. You get your ducks in a row and you just do it. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 Just remember to be FIRM. Once you have decided to end it, don't mess around with 2nd or 3rd or 4th chances. Once you decide to end it, it's not possible for him to "refuse to accept" it. You need to tell him that it's over and that he must take his things from your place and that he much not come back again. It's best in the long run for you and for him as well. If you keep bowing to pressure it will keep you both in the same cycle of unhappiness forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unknown18 Posted June 4, 2018 Author Share Posted June 4, 2018 Sorry you're going through this. First, the lesson you should take away is *never lie* in a relationship, over *anything*, no matter how apparently small. White lies are trust destroyers too. That's not to put all the blame on you, he sounds chronically insecure also. Second, its not an option for him to "refuse" that you leave him. If you want to leave him, he has to suck it up. You don't "ask" someone for permission to leave. You get your ducks in a row and you just do it. It's definitely been a lesson and not a mistake I will be making again. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 No, it is time to move on... This guy has issues, and they are not your issues, it is time to send him packing. And, you guys are really young, too young to deal with this crap. Here is the other thing, it is OK to say, "I have of course had sex before and several exclusive relationships, but I will not go into detail about numbers or individual people I have been with. I do not hang around Ex's or deal with them in any way". Now, I am much, much older than you, and this is how I dealt with this issue countless times. My GF asked this question this weekend, and I told her the same thing. I will not give you numbers and it is in the past, conversation over... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 This is not a way to live for you or for him. There is no talking to him either, he is not in a disposition to understand. You need to break up in a respectful way and to not turn back. Change your lock and your phone number if you have to. Thank goodness you've discovered this ugly side of him before marrying him. All truth isn't up for share. I would never answer a question like 'how many partners you had' or 'who did you sleep with'. This is irrelevant to our relationship. If he disagrees then we're not a match, as simple as that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 4, 2018 Share Posted June 4, 2018 So glad to hear that he's not living with you. It's actually really simple to get him out: pack his stuff and tell him to leave. If he refuses to leave your home, call the police. Once he's gone, change the locks. Someone mentioned this not being fair to his mental health. But the mental health of an abuser is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Your responsibility is to look after yourself. Re the doorframes...bumping into tables is normal, but I'd be seeing a doctor about the doorframe thing. Best of luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 7, 2018 Share Posted June 7, 2018 So I've been dating this guy for over a year and whilst in the "talking stage" he asked me about pervious partners which I lied about (in hindsight that probably wasn't a good idea) but we spoke about it and that was that, or so I thought. 9 months down the line...he accuses me of cheating almost daily. I've never cheated in any relationship I've been in and never would. We've had conversations about people from my past a lot but he can't seem to move forward. He goes through my phone any chance he can get, now bearing in mind he's never found anything because obviously I haven't done anything and therefore there would be nothing to find. (He's also saved numbers from my phone from iCloud backup. People who I no longer talk to and haven't for years) He questions me about the men I work with even though I've told him consistently I'm not attracted to them. My frustration comes from on my part being accused of being a liar, it generally makes me angry as I've supported him through a lot throughout the relationship but nothing seems to change. The response I get from becoming angry is "cheaters always get angry as they've got something to hide" there's literally no winning. I understand he's insecure and has been cheated on in the past, however I am not any of his ex's (not yet at least). He moans about bruises I get yet knows I'm quite a clumsy person (I walk in to door frames) he's witnessed this on several occasions. He's met my family but moans about not meeting my closest girl friend, yet we're clearly going through issues and I talk to her and him about them. It's got to the point now where I want to end things but every time I've asked him to leave he refuses and acts like he's done nothing wrong. I've cried a lot throughout the duration of the relationship and I just don't feel happy anymore. Suggestions anyone? Has anyone else been accused of cheating whilst being innocent? In his defense, and this is NOT ABOUT YOU, but I do think that is rather a cliché excuse! Look around at the "signs" of cheating, bruises being one, Especially if there are handmarks on your arm, discovery isn't fun! You can either choose to work with him, and help him learn to trust, Or you can drop him like a bad habit and find someone else who isn't a bust. I'm not excusing his behavior, and not many on this forum really will, however only you can make a decision to keep the glass upright or let it spill. Do you think he'd be willing to go to therapy if accompanied by you? Do you think he's committed enough to try to change to keep the love too? Link to post Share on other sites
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