Ex slow fading kids

[littleblackheart]

Hi all

 

My ex and I have been divorced a while and have 2 kids together. Iam kind of are as civil as you can be with an abusive co-parent; therapists I have seen reckon he may be malevolent NPD - our marriage was extremely abusive (no physical violence but everything else, yes).

 

He's recently decided to pay less than half of the usual child maintenance for very nebulous reasons (can't afford it due to an 'accumulation of things', basically involving a GF half his age who is a full time student). I don't get spousal support, partly because I don't need it, partly because I don't want financial ties with him.

 

He's also slowly slow-fading them (forgetting bdays, barely seeing them for weeks on end then bombarding them with phone calls out of the blue) - the kids are constantly up and down, especially my daughter, who is developing serious anxiety.

 

I've taken legal advice re the money, and it looks like it's a dead end. I can't really afford court fees and I can't see him being reasonable on that front.

 

I'm expecting a backlash as I'm still going to get him to at least disclose his financial situation (we have an informal agreement, stupidly, mainly because I wasn't mentally strong enough to deal with the drama at the time) and it's looking increasingly like he'll be hurting the kids (emotional damage).

 

Can I cut all ties with him preemptively, or do I have to wait for the kids to make their own minds up?

 

My eldest is getting there (slowly) but my little one still wants to believe her father is a good guy who loves her.

 

I feel completely powerless trying to protect them from inevitable utter, heartshattering pain so any advice more than welcome. They are fabulous kids; bright, kind, caring, thoughtful, funny. They really don't deserve a father like him.

[preraph]

You can't just withdraw the kids. Judges frown on that and he'll be all over it whether you think he wants the kids or not. Because it's a way to control you. You need to take this before a judge and get the details written down where he has responsibilities. You can call the family court and maybe get some advice from just the clerk there, letting them know you feel there's not enough money between the two of you for an attorney, if that's the case. If you required him to have joint custody, it would free up time for you to work and have time to yourself and have a life. First they must assess if he's abusive to the children.

 

Call your family court clerk and see if you can get some direction to go in. Get it all legal and under a judge's order. Make your husband take responsibility for their care as much as you do, and doesn't matter if the kids like it or not. He's their father. As long as he's not neglecting or abusing them, they'll be alright. If he does do that once he has some custody, well, maybe at that time you go for full custody, but chances are all your kids will never be on board for not seeing their father. You can't just let him be the fun one without rules they visit or they'll start running off to his place when they don't like rules at your place. You need to get on the same page about rules and schedules. Having the kids may make him grow up a little and even get closer to the kids. Good luck.

[nospam99]

In New York in cases of child support family court is free as well as a court-appointed attorney for the custodial parent. Just sayin' I don't know about your state.

[littleblackheart]

Thanks for the advice.

 

He lives in a different jurisdiction to where I live (his choice - he went back to his mother, who found him his job and he is currently living rent/mortage free in a house he inherited) so it's a legal headache. But yes, I'll get in touch with a court from his jurisdiction to see what can be done withoutva lawyer (money down the drain compared to what I would be set to gain). In truth, I'm just going through the motions to clear my conscience as a mother for the maintenance, but less money from him means less and less involvement on his part - that's a very good thing, in the long term.

 

I don't really want him involved in the kids' lives beyond a shallow level - he is seriously damaged and very bad news for them, and shalliw is all he can manage anyway. They come back unsettled and sad after any length of time they spend with him, but they're still hopeful he can change somehow. He won't, I know hom very well.

 

I'm trying to figure out a way to cushion the heartbreak they will have when they finally cotton on to how toxic he is before he gets to dump them.

[littleblackheart]

In New York in cases of child support family court is free as well as a court-appointed attorney for the custodial parent. Just sayin' I don't know about your state.

 

We're not based in the USA, but thanks anyway for the advice.

[littleblackheart]

Also wanted to add: I was the one who 'made' him have contact with the children so they get to spend time with him. He relented at first but now doesn't make the effort. He sees them once / month on a good month now, for a fleeting visit of a few hours only. That's his choice. He was offered shared custody but refused it.

 

He won't get involved in their lives because he doesn't want to, and now he discharging himself of his financial responsibilities too.

 

My problem isn't to get more money out of him - it's to guide my kids through the situation and protect them from harm as much as I can.

Edited May 26, 2018 by littleblackheart

[preraph]

Be sure to check with your own jurisdiction first. Don't accidentally do something where he lives that will restrict the kids or you to living nearby. Most places won't allow people to move more than a certain distance away from kids they have any custody of.

[littleblackheart]

Be sure to check with your own jurisdiction first. Don't accidentally do something where he lives that will restrict the kids or you to living nearby. Most places won't allow people to move more than a certain distance away from kids they have any custody of.

 

Ok, but he wants no physical custody of the kids, and we're talking 2 different countries. My jurisdiction can't enforce anything on him, seeing as he doesn't live or work here.

 

No one can force him to have contact with his kids anyway, if that's against his wishes. He doesn't want to be burdened with the responsibility to raise them as it stops him from doing what he wants.

 

The advice I'm looking for is not really legal; it's about helping the kids detach from their father gradually on their own terms before he gets them out of his life.

[BaileyB]

 

The advice I'm looking for is not really legal; it's about helping the kids detach from their father gradually on their own terms before he gets them out of his life.

 

This is serious stuff, something that makes me very reluctant to even try and offer suggestions. Perhaps, some family counselling is in order, if you haven't done so already. First, for yourself. Then perhaps, with your children.

[littleblackheart]

This is serious stuff, something that makes me very reluctant to even try and offer suggestions. Perhaps, some family counselling is in order, if you haven't done so already. First, for yourself. Then perhaps, with your children.

 

Thanks for the reply. I agree, heavy stuff.

 

Counselling for 4 years for me already, all discussed with various psychologists who specialise in npd abuse and advice is conflicted anyway:

 

1. Cut him loose but risk his wrath in some form or other and leave the kids vulnerable to being manipulated.

 

2. Let the kids dictate the timeline but risk them getting emotionally/mentally harmed and watching powerlessly from the sidelines as it happens (what I've been doing so far).

 

I'm basically stuck between a rock and a hard place as I'm trying to extricate my kids from this horror show with as much care as possible. Court is risky as he is manipulative and a licenced liar and it's not about the money (I'm self-sufficient, I work, I'm fine).

 

I have support so I'm not on my own but wondered whether someone went through similar things and maybe could share their experience.

[BaileyB]

Thanks for the reply. I agree, heavy stuff.

 

Counselling for 4 years for me already, all discussed with various psychologists who specialise in npd abuse and advice is conflicted anyway:

 

1. Cut him loose but risk his wrath in some form or other and leave the kids vulnerable to being manipulated.

 

2. Let the kids dictate the timeline but risk them getting emotionally/mentally harmed and watching powerlessly from the sidelines as it happens (what I've been doing so far).

 

I'm basically stuck between a rock and a hard place as I'm trying to extricate my kids from this horror show with as much care as possible. Court is risky as he is manipulative and a licenced liar and it's not about the money (I'm self-sufficient, I work, I'm fine).

 

I have support so I'm not on my own but wondered whether someone went through similar things and maybe could share their experience.

 

I'm glad you've had some counselling. Have your kids had counselling?

 

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm in a similar spot, my boyfriend's child is having to deal with a mother who has mental health problems. It's hard to know what to say, and what not to say... I have no answers, I just wonder if you did some family counselling WITH your kids, you could maybe begin to explain to them some of which they may feel but not understand... with the support of a counsellor. Just a thought. Good luck.

[littleblackheart]

I'm glad you've had some counselling. Have your kids had counselling?

 

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm in a similar spot, my boyfriend's child is having to deal with a mother who has mental health problems. It's hard to know what to say, and what not to say... I have no answers, I just wonder if you did some family counselling WITH your kids, you could maybe begin to explain to them some of which they may feel but not understand... with the support of a counsellor. Just a thought. Good luck.

 

Thank you.

 

I found counselling / therapy challenging enough and I'm a little bit reluctant to impose that on the kids as I feel they are too young. Also, I don't want to make it into a big deal for them - I know it is a big deal objectively but to them he is their father still. My little one is already hyper anxious and my boy is on the autism spectrum (as am I) so this situation sucks double. I don't want to risk doing anything that could potentially put them in an uncomfortable situation, but yes, maybe it's worth considering.

 

I hope your partner's child finds their own way out.

[Snaggletooth]

Thanks for the advice.

 

He lives in a different jurisdiction to where I live (his choice - he went back to his mother, who found him his job and he is currently living rent/mortage free in a house he inherited) so it's a legal headache. But yes, I'll get in touch with a court from his jurisdiction to see what can be done withoutva lawyer (money down the drain compared to what I would be set to gain). In truth, I'm just going through the motions to clear my conscience as a mother for the maintenance, but less money from him means less and less involvement on his part - that's a very good thing, in the long term.

 

I don't really want him involved in the kids' lives beyond a shallow level - he is seriously damaged and very bad news for them, and shalliw is all he can manage anyway. They come back unsettled and sad after any length of time they spend with him, but they're still hopeful he can change somehow. He won't, I know hom very well.

 

I'm trying to figure out a way to cushion the heartbreak they will have when they finally cotton on to how toxic he is before he gets to dump them.

 

 

He won’t dump them, he’ll flit in and out their lives when it suits him.

 

The boy, as he learns to be a man, will realise what a maggot his father is and detach, likely with contempt.

 

The girl will catch up to the boy as she gets older. The boy will likely teach her along the way.

 

They have you and each other. You can’t influence them in regards to their father, they have to find out themselves. You can make up for his deficiencies by being you, though.

 

They’re going to be ok. Ok! And so are you.

 

Stop fretting and be with them.