I miss my colleague

[gone_girl]

I left my job recently and there was this man that I had a huuuuge crush on since the first time I saw him. We had some joint work, but it was not very often. But despite that, we had our moments. Nothing more than passing moments but they were important to me.

 

Before I left he didn't say goodbye to me with all the others, but he lingered nearby by himself. He looked a bit awkward, as if he was waiting for me to walk by. I did walk by and he said he didn't realise I was leaving that day. I shook his hand, and he said that I should join them (my old colleagues) for a drink sometime...

 

And that was the end of it.

 

Of course we haven't talked since. I left my contact information to everyone but I don't think he will use it. He's taken and I respect that. I'm not sure it was mutual anyway, maybe he sensed I liked him and felt flattered. Or maybe he dd like me as a colleague. But I think of him so much it's almost distressing. When will it stop? Do you think he wanted to tell me more than goodbye when he was waiting for me in that corridor?

[Imajerk17]

I left my job recently and there was this man that I had a huuuuge crush on since the first time I saw him. We had some joint work, but it was not very often. But despite that, we had our moments. Nothing more than passing moments but they were important to me.

 

Before I left he didn't say goodbye to me with all the others, but he lingered nearby by himself. He looked a bit awkward, as if he was waiting for me to walk by. I did walk by and he said he didn't realise I was leaving that day. I shook his hand, and he said that I should join them (my old colleagues) for a drink sometime...

 

And that was the end of it.

 

Of course we haven't talked since. I left my contact information to everyone but I don't think he will use it. He's taken and I respect that. I'm not sure it was mutual anyway, maybe he sensed I liked him and felt flattered. Or maybe he dd like me as a colleague. But I think of him so much it's almost distressing. When will it stop? Do you think he wanted to tell me more than goodbye when he was waiting for me in that corridor?

 

Well, there is your answer right there. He showed good boundaries AND respect for his wife by not putting much energy towards you (or I'm presuming anyone else in the office). That is what he is supposed to do.

 

If you are still feeling sorry for yourself you should read the threads in the Infidelity sections--many many women are hooked in an affair for YEARS w married man (MM) who didn't have the boundaries to not pursue. These women are miserable yet they just can't let go. Nevermind MM's unfortunate wife and family. Your colleague had the sense to not even go there w you in the first place.

 

Meanwhile what you focus on expands. Going forward, stop letting yourself devote so much mental energy to a man who is someone else's partner.

Edited May 27, 2018 by Imajerk17

[alphamale]

Going forward, stop letting yourself devote so much mental energy to a man who is someone else's partner.

 

^this^

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Do you think he wanted to tell me more than goodbye when he was waiting for me in that corridor?

 

No, probably not. He's not a single man as you said.

 

Over time you'll forget about this unavailable man.

[gone_girl]

He' not married, but he has a girlfriend. No kids. Does it make a difference? I don't think it does that much, t's pretty much the same.

 

I wouldn't go there either, but I'm human and I care about what he may have been thinking of course! I have his number and all but have deleted it and not going to use it. How long does it take to forget about someone you don't get to see anymore?

[nospam99]

How long does it take to forget about someone you don't get to see anymore?

 

[sigh] It depends on the depth of the 'connection'. I have two that I've never forgotten and don't expect I ever will. I also have 'many' (dozens? - when I've forgotten it's difficult to count) that I forgot in a few days or a couple of weeks.

[gone_girl]

[sigh] It depends on the depth of the 'connection'. I have two that I've never forgotten and don't expect I ever will. I also have 'many' (dozens? - when I've forgotten it's difficult to count) that I forgot in a few days or a couple of weeks.

 

Double sigh. Were they unrequited? Did they like you back?

 

I have been attracted to other men ever since I met him, but I feel that he holds more power, if you will. Even when at times I got annoyed with things he said or did I couldn't stay annoyed for long. I don't have him on a pedestal or something, but you sometimes just have a soft spot for some people and that's it.

[nospam99]

Double sigh. Were they unrequited? Did they like you back?

 

How do you really know what's in another person's mind? I think the best indicator is if they choose to spend their life with you. That didn't happen. Though in both cases they broke it off, I believe they liked me back.

 

You asked a leading question, so you get a story...

 

I've only seen one of them 'later'... twentieth high school reunion. We hadn't seen each other for more than ten years and we were each there with our respective spouses. She wanted to sit together at the formal dining table so I ended up sitting with my then wife on one side of me and my 'lost love' on the other side. As we were leaving at the end of the party we hugged each other with our spouses standing on either side and exchanged some polite pleasantries along the lines of 'it was good to see you again'. I wasn't and I don't think she was doing anything more than being nice to an old friend. She was always that kind of 'classy'. I haven't seen her since then. It's been 26 years and three reunions none of which we both attended.

[maxi105]

hey there gone girl,

 

i think rather than going round in circles trying to guess what he is thinking or feeling etc...get in touch with him and find out if there is a possiblity of getting back to how things were.

 

you know he is with someone now so it wouldnt be fair of you to go down that route unless he tells you that's what he wants that and does things properly (by being single) and show you he really does want that.

 

people change and so can feelings sometimes, but if you are prepared to keep things as a colleague that you miss basis, then you might be able to have that if he wants that still or at least put the uncertainty or fantasy out of your mind once you know what he really feels and is happy to engage with (or not).

 

he may have moved on and not really want too much contact, he may be ok with occasional meet ups with you, it might be that you decide to go out as the colleagues you all were, but unless you sort this out you wont ever get to know and you will be fooling yourself or losing time on something that may or may not be good for you.

 

there's no harm in getting or trying to get in touch as long as you accept and respect what he is saying.

 

just think about why you are really getting in touch and dont tear yourself up trying to get someone you cant have if he makes it clear that he is still very happy with his partner.

 

i think it would be good for you to find out properly about this situation from him so you are not misleading yourself for months to come and dreaming about something that isnt likely or will only ever be casual freindship, unless you are ok with casual freindhship still.

 

i think it will help you see things in a clearer perspective if you get to see/hear things from HIM directly rather than what you thought about a few weeks ago or what anyone else thinks or doesnt think.

 

it sounds as though you do want to talk to him so why not. the only person that can show you what is right or not is him. and i think once you talk to him or see him you will know if what you are wanting to get in touch about is appropriate or not.

 

good luck with this. feelings (especially crushes can be difficult, but if you deal with this before it gets out of control then you will at least save yourself that bit less heartache than if you let this go on and on in some kind of fantasy and state of false or uniformed hope).

 

hope that helps you. im sure you'll get your answers soon if you can find the courage to deal with this respectfully and quickly.

 

maxi .

[gone_girl]

Hey maxi

 

Thanks for writing this You're right, it's no use wondering 'what if...'. I do feel that it's his call though. And I don't want to do anything while he's attached to another girl.

 

As the days pass I feel better since I don't get to see him and on top of that I encounter handsome men daily. At some point I will be ready to start exploring my options, but for now I think I'm better off by not setting myself up for heartache.

[maxi105]

hi gone girl, you know this person so if you feel its his call then that's what it must be. Thanks for your thoughts on the post. i'm sure things will pan out for you in the end, and if you do meet a handsome guy then I don't think you will be thinking as much of him as maybe you are right now.

 

hopefully you will get the chance to say what you'd like when (if the time comes) and you get back on track then as friends at least or hang out once in a while and for it not to have any kind of small issues behind it.

 

good wishes. and thanks. maxi