HarryCPH Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 (edited) Title: "I found a list of my girlfriends past sexual partners, but she has been lying to me" I know that I was not supposed to look through her thing, I didn’t deliberately look for anything I simply stumbled upon it. I was looking for some tape and I happened to pick up a small notebook at the top of the drawer, which contains the list. I put it down when I realized what it was, but I still managed to read a bit of it. The list itself bothers me a bit (writing down the names like this), but the length is not really the problem, if anyone thinks that. We both live in the same dorm, one floor apart. When we started seeing each other she told me that she had already slept with someone who lives here. She wanted to be upfront and honest about it if it was going to be serious between us. To be honest, it did bother me since this is someone that we will see most days, but I know it’s in the past and know that it’s my problem, not hers. She has mentioned it once or twice since, but we’ve never talked about it The problem is that she has been lying to me, the list that I found doesn’t only contain one name like she told me, but two. One of the guys moved out a while ago, but the second one is her neighbour, a guy that I talk to a lot (he dosn't know that we are dating). I’m not sure exactly what to do, it really bothers me that she was “trying to be” upfront about it and still lied to me, and not I’m starting to question whether this is the only thing she has been lying about. What do you think I should do, come clean about reading it and confront her about it or nothing? I’ve been living in the dorm for almost 3 years, while she moved in 1½ years ago. We have been dating for 1 year after we meet at a barbecue last year. I'm 26 and she is 28. Edited May 23, 2018 by HarryCPH the title was cut short Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 Confess to the snooping & apologize. Explain that this guy's continued proximity is what is really bothering you & ask how she propose you two deal with it. I realized she lied. You can address that too but gently. Don't come at her guns blazing screaming "You lied . . .you [synonym of promiscuous person that begins with S]!" Try to manipulate it so her lying negates your snooping . . . sort of trying to make 2 wrongs into well not a right but at least a neutral / mutual my bad. Link to post Share on other sites
nospam99 Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 synonym of promiscuous person that begins with S A bit off-topic by me, but ROTFLMAO. Well played Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 When we started seeing each other she told me that she had already slept with someone who lives here. Isn't her statement still true ? No partner owes you a sexual accounting of their history and she's already done you a favor by mentioning a person she thought might be an issue. Let it go... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 (edited) that it’s my problem, not hers. Nothing has changed.. it still is your problem and not hers... While it seems her transparency wasn't fully transparent she still has the right to withhold any info concerning her past. I say forget it entirely and not mention anything and if you can't let her have her past then find a new girl... Jealousy isn't attractive. Edited May 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 Snooping always leads to find out stuff you didn't anticipate. I've been guilty of it myself, so I get where you are coming from. I don't think it's a good thing to know all of your partners past sexual contacts anyway. If I were her, I would not have even told you that to begin with. Unless you are in high school, pretty much anyone you date will have had some sexual partners in the past, but it's best not to know about them. As to what to do. You're in a pickle because you'd have to confess to snooping to find out the truth, and I don't know how she would react. It also doesn't change anything. You're still going to have to find a way to see and talk to this guy. Do you feel like it will eat you up if you keep it to yourself? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 What? Did the list say "Guys I've had sex with:"? How do you know it's not just a list of guys she liked. When I was in college and still a virgin, I had a list of 50 guys I was wanting to get around to. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 Basically, do you want to be right or get laid? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted May 23, 2018 Share Posted May 23, 2018 Does she assign star-ratings? How many stars did you get? Were you last on the list, or... er, never mind. Nothing good is going to come of putting all of this out on the table. If it didn't have a title saying "All the guys I've phukked," then there is ambiguity and plausible deniability. That might be the best place to leave it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HarryCPH Posted May 24, 2018 Author Share Posted May 24, 2018 Okay, let me try answer all of the follow up questions. What? Did the list say "Guys I've had sex with:"? How do you know it's not just a list of guys she liked. When I was in college and still a virgin, I had a list of 50 guys I was wanting to get around to. She mentioned the list a long time ago, I thought it was joke, but I guess not. There are 15-20ish people on the list, in chronological order, at least the first two names are her two ex-boyfriends from middle/high-school. Isn't her statement still true ? No partner owes you a sexual accounting of their history and she's already done you a favor by mentioning a person she thought might be an issue. Let it go... She didn't mention a specific name, she jsut said that she had slept with someone living at the dorm. It just bothers me that she was trying to be so upfront about it, which is appreciates, but still lied to me. I fell like that is a bigger problem, maybe I’m wrong on this one? Does she assign star-ratings? How many stars did you get? Were you last on the list, or... er, never mind. No its just a list of first and last names, but its obvious that this is a list of sexual parts. She has mentioned the list before, but I thought it was a joke, when she said that she had to add me to the list. As to what to do. You're in a pickle because you'd have to confess to snooping to find out the truth, and I don't know how she would react. It also doesn't change anything. You're still going to have to find a way to see and talk to this guy. Do you feel like it will eat you up if you keep it to yourself? Yeah, I'm not sure about this one. The list or the number of people doesn't really bother me. I'm not sure, but even if it were, I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to come clean and tell her that I found the list. She would not be able to change it anyway, so what good would come from it? I will just have to live with the fact that she slept with her neighbourgh, since that is my problem and not hers? Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 I can't really see how she has lied to you. Selective truth, yes but she did tell you she has slept with someone else in the building (who turns out to be her neighbour). And if the second guy had moved out by the time you two got together, she technically has only been with one person who lives in the building (because the other moved out). Like I said, it's selective and I can see why you might be upset. You're talking about living in a dorm - is it university accommodation? In that kind of scene, it's highly likely that anyone you date within the building has probably slept with at least one other person in the building, probably more. But overall there is a reason why she's dating you and not those other guys - so you shouldn't be worried about them coming back. It's also not uncommon for girls to keep that kind of notebook - my GF made me aware of hers and even showed me the contents (for the sake of honesty). Link to post Share on other sites
Author HarryCPH Posted May 24, 2018 Author Share Posted May 24, 2018 To be fair, when she confessed to having hooked up with one dude in her building, she likely did not insist that it was only one dude, did she? The bigger problem here is your snooping. Unless you have solid reasons to think your partner is cheating on you, do not snoop. Any time you snoop, you are all but guaranteed to find something you don't want to see. You aren't supposed to know the people your partner hooked up with before you, and now that you just had to snoop, you gotta think about this crap all the time. That's on you, not her. I can’t quite remember the conversation, but that was exactly what she did say. She wanted me to make sure that I knew that she had slept with this one guy before we meet and that she had to tell me before we got more serious. I know that it was a mistake, but I never wanted to know any of this in the first place. She was the one that wanted to be upfront about all of this, I never asked her to tell me any of this. This is why it bothers me that it turned out to be a lie anyway. And if the second guy had moved out by the time you two got together, she technically has only been with one person who lives in the building (because the other moved out). Like I said, it's selective and I can see why you might be upset. They were both living there when we started dating, the other guy only moved out a few months ago. You're talking about living in a dorm - is it university accommodation? In that kind of scene, it's highly likely that anyone you date within the building has probably slept with at least one other person in the building, probably more. It is a dorm, but it dose not belong to a specific university, but it is rather small, less than 50 people live here. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 (edited) I’m trying to figure this out — who keeps a list of their lover’s names? I mean, what was the heading on the paper - “guys I’ve screwed and I hope my current lover doesn’t discover this because I haven’t been completely forthcoming?” I’m in the camp that if you stumble on something unsavory, then that’s just too bad for the person keeping secrets. I don’t see why you need to confess to it like you did anything wrong. I mean, that’s like saying you discovered your gf is a terrorist but you’re going to apologize for snooping. Facts are facts. I think it’s not great that she lied to you but I still can’t get past the fact that you know for certain that this is an accounting of lovers past. Given what this is about, I’d let it go. Edited May 24, 2018 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
Author HarryCPH Posted May 24, 2018 Author Share Posted May 24, 2018 I’m trying to figure this out — who keeps a list of their lover’s names? I mean, what was the heading on the paper - “guys I’ve screwed and I hope my current lover doesn’t discover this because I haven’t been completely forthcoming?” The book actually contain two more lists (though with a different handwriting for each). No, the lists doesn't specify what it is, but its pretty obvious that it is past sexual partners, from what I know about her ex boyfriends and what else she have told me. She have told me about making the given list with her friend (before I met her), but I assumed that it was a joke. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 24, 2018 Share Posted May 24, 2018 The book actually contain two more lists (though with a different handwriting for each). No, the lists doesn't specify what it is, but its pretty obvious that it is past sexual partners, from what I know about her ex boyfriends and what else she have told me. She have told me about making the given list with her friend (before I met her), but I assumed that it was a joke. Got it. Well, I say, so what? You know the truth and what does it really change? Most people aren’t going to be completely honest about every single thing they do. That’s just the way we’re geared. I agree, she should’ve never volunteered the whole discussion but I really would let this drop. In the great scheme of things, it’s not that big of a deal. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 25, 2018 Share Posted May 25, 2018 All I can say is if she's anything like me, except for a couple of exceptions, I genuinely wished the guys I slept with had worked out and been a long good relationship. We women have to kiss a lot of frogs. We start out naive and thinking if they want our body, they want us. We believe their lies until we have no choice but to stop believing them. Really, no one should have to talk about all their conquests. Last and possibly only time a man kind of asked me about it, I said, "Three that mattered -- maybe four that mattered. The rest didn't matter." But we're from a much less uptight generation, and so was he. Last date I had with my old flame, we talked about the old days: "Did you ever have a threesome?" Laughed about that. Talked about how we both wished we were gay or bi to more fully enjoy the 70s. Not everyone has an issue with numbers, especially if they have their own numbers. Many people from my generation looked at it as adventure and a new freedom, because it was a new freedom at that time. She sounds completely remorseless and you're all worked up, so this probably isn't the right match for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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