Am I overreacting or is he being practical? He says he needs to move away from me.

[mademe2]

I am struggling with a tough situation. My fiancé of 3 years is not doing well with his business.

 

We were supposed to get married next year although no real plans were made. He’s been hung up on the financial issues he’s having.

 

I have a child whom I share 50/50 custody.

My fiancé says he has been trying to find jobs and he can’t in our state. He has threatened to move away to “show me” before but it’s typically hogwash and bullying, I believe he says it out of anger.

 

Today he told me several times he needs to move away out of state to “start over professionally”. Before when he told me this a few months ago,I told him I would figure it out if that was a necessity, but certainly not my preference. But if we had to do it every other weekend flying to see my child…we could try to work it out.


It was my assumption that if he moved for a job for a year, I would be going with him. Today he said he would need to take one of these jobs because he has no other choice and he would have to “figure out how to come see me”.

 

I was BLOWN away. I said, pardon me? yes, I flipped out because we don’t go anywhere separate. We are always together and even travel together when we have to.

 

He said I misunderstood. I said HOW does one misunderstand that? You need to just “figure out how to see me?”

 

He said “do I have a job yet? I said no, but you said you are applying. He said well this isn’t for sure…but it’s something that I have no choice on, unless you have another solution? You have a job for me? Money? You going to pay my bills? (i have my own job and make ends meet just fine on my own)

 

I said well if you get this BIG job out of state, you could afford to help me pay for the travel to see my child every other weekend, temporarily. He said NO. He is already in debt and he won’t be paying for my travel — because he needs every dime to pay for his debt.

 

So I sobbed. Cried. I was very upset. He said that I “ruined his day” and I like to cry and make a show and destroy his productivity. I said it’s not everyday someone tells their future spouse that they are moving away from them and they will have to “figure out to see them”.

 

He said I”m insane. Pathological. He hasn’t gotten the job yet and I’m a drama queen and my tears make him want to run away from me. He said that I took it out of context and at least he said he would want to find time to see me.

 

I am just out of my mind upset. I’ve never posted on a forum here before and I need some insight.

 

He said that he hasn’t taken a job, received a job offer yet and that I’m blowing this out of proportion.

 

I told him I would NEVER think of moving away from him. Ever. And I certainly wouldn’t say “i’ll try to figure out how to see you”.

 

He said that now my freak out — makes him on the edge and worried that I will “bolt out” … and overreact and be very sorry…that I jumped to a conclusion he wasn’t certain of.

 

I said WHO says this to their fiancé months before supposedly marrying them ? He said I would tell this to anyone and they would all say that I clearly am a ME ME ME mentality and all I care about is myself and can’t see the world through any other lens other than my narcissistic self.

 

Is that true?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I said WHO says this to their fiancé months before supposedly marrying them ? He said I would tell this to anyone and they would all say that I clearly am a ME ME ME mentality and all I care about is myself and can’t see the world through any other lens other than my narcissistic self.

 

Is that true?

 

Nope.

 

Does he have a habit of blaming you for things that are clearly his fault? I don't even think he believes himself that this is YOUR fault.

 

What state or area of the country do you live in? What is his general line of work?

[mademe2]

Yes he does that a lot...I hate to say it. We are in the state of Texas.

 

THe funny thing is he turned down a very good opportunity about 3 months ago that was only an hour and a half away because he said the city was too small and he would go "crazy there" AND he told me that I just wanted him to move there so I could force him to be away from his parents! WTH? NOW-- he needs to move across the country and he will "figure out how to see me?'

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes he does that a lot...I hate to say it. We are in the state of Texas.

 

THe funny thing is he turned down a very good opportunity about 3 months ago that was only an hour and a half away because he said the city was too small and he would go "crazy there" AND he told me that I just wanted him to move there so I could force him to be away from his parents! WTH? NOW-- he needs to move across the country and he will "figure out how to see me?'

 

Hm, yeah sounds to me like he's trying to pick a fight with you. Are you sure he wants to get married?

[mademe2]

Well, doesn't sound like it if he's considering moving out of state.

 

His family keeps encouraging him to move away too. And he says he's "destroyed his life" by staying here and not moving away and that's only becasue of me.

 

But when "I" suggest he move somewhere he says it's because I want him to move away from his family?

 

It's driving me crazy. I am NOT okay. I can't imagine this sounds to anyone as if he wants to marry me or stay with me....does it?

 

But then when I tell him that he says that he fears I will jump to conclusions and leave him tomorrow while he's at work and I will be sadly mistaken about his motivation and that I misunderstood him.

 

I just don't know how ANYONE could say I misunderstood this? You (fiance) are trying to move away from me .... and will "try to figure out how to see me"

 

Sounds PERFECT --- NOT!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, my first suggestion is to try to calm down . Nothing good will happen if the two of you can't discuss this calmly.

 

Have you asked him if he will think it's ok for you to feel this way after he accepts a position and makes plans to move out of state??? I'm not sure why he would expect you to not be upset just because it has not happened yet..... He's making a major life decision without you. One that will affect you every hour of every day.

 

Does he have children?

[hippychick3]

I am struggling with a tough situation. My fiancé of 3 years is not doing well with his business.

 

We were supposed to get married next year although no real plans were made. He’s been hung up on the financial issues he’s having.

 

I have a child whom I share 50/50 custody.

My fiancé says he has been trying to find jobs and he can’t in our state. He has threatened to move away to “show me” before but it’s typically hogwash and bullying, I believe he says it out of anger.

 

Today he told me several times he needs to move away out of state to “start over professionally”. Before when he told me this a few months ago,I told him I would figure it out if that was a necessity, but certainly not my preference. But if we had to do it every other weekend flying to see my child…we could try to work it out.


It was my assumption that if he moved for a job for a year, I would be going with him. Today he said he would need to take one of these jobs because he has no other choice and he would have to “figure out how to come see me”.

 

I was BLOWN away. I said, pardon me? yes, I flipped out because we don’t go anywhere separate. We are always together and even travel together when we have to.

 

He said I misunderstood. I said HOW does one misunderstand that? You need to just “figure out how to see me?”

 

He said “do I have a job yet? I said no, but you said you are applying. He said well this isn’t for sure…but it’s something that I have no choice on, unless you have another solution? You have a job for me? Money? You going to pay my bills? (i have my own job and make ends meet just fine on my own)

 

I said well if you get this BIG job out of state, you could afford to help me pay for the travel to see my child every other weekend, temporarily. He said NO. He is already in debt and he won’t be paying for my travel — because he needs every dime to pay for his debt.

 

So I sobbed. Cried. I was very upset. He said that I “ruined his day” and I like to cry and make a show and destroy his productivity. I said it’s not everyday someone tells their future spouse that they are moving away from them and they will have to “figure out to see them”.

 

He said I”m insane. Pathological. He hasn’t gotten the job yet and I’m a drama queen and my tears make him want to run away from me. He said that I took it out of context and at least he said he would want to find time to see me.

 

I am just out of my mind upset. I’ve never posted on a forum here before and I need some insight.

 

He said that he hasn’t taken a job, received a job offer yet and that I’m blowing this out of proportion.

 

I told him I would NEVER think of moving away from him. Ever. And I certainly wouldn’t say “i’ll try to figure out how to see you”.

 

He said that now my freak out — makes him on the edge and worried that I will “bolt out” … and overreact and be very sorry…that I jumped to a conclusion he wasn’t certain of.

 

I said WHO says this to their fiancé months before supposedly marrying them ? He said I would tell this to anyone and they would all say that I clearly am a ME ME ME mentality and all I care about is myself and can’t see the world through any other lens other than my narcissistic self.

 

Is that true?

 

My first thought reading this is he is feeling smothered and wants to get away. That's not healthy. Couples need alone time and/or time with friends now and then.

 

Also, you would give up 50/50 custody of your children settling for every other weekend?? Your children will be adults out of the house in the blink of any eye. Giving up precious time with them is not worth it for anyone or anything. Your kids should come first. I'm in a 3 hour long distance relationship because I have 50/50 custody. I'll move to my boyfriend's town when my youngest graduates high school. I cherish my time with her and wouldn't give that up for anything. She comes first. I luckily found a man who respects that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I cherish my time with her and wouldn't give that up for anything. She comes first. I luckily found a man who respects that.

 

Couldn't agree more.

[mademe2]

HE is the one who literally lost his last high paying job because he kept taking time off to travel to my work events. He couldn't handle being apart....he's also very jealous.

 

And so he blamed me and said he had trust issues and if I didn't want him to go and pay for him to go -- something was wrong. So I did.

 

So my work travel has really gone down. I am far more grounded. And this happens?

 

And yeah...I suppose I shouldn't give up 50/50. I know. But I can't help but feel I am losing him....and it's hard to let go after doing SO much to make this relationship work.

 

He was pissed this morning because my child has more games this wekened becuase they won a tournament and he doesn't want to go to them and "ruin another weekend". He's ANGRY that my child made it to state because it's disrupting his weekend.

 

I said well don't go then...and he said "that's what you want...you want to leave me alone? On a holiday weekend?" He was horrified.

 

And then 3 hours later he tells me he's gonna have to move out of state and will "figure out how to see me?"

 

Honestly, I'm thinking about this and I'm wondering if this another ploy to get me to pay his bills. He's been telling me he can't pay anything and may go bankrupt...and can't pay his child support. His children are 15 and 18. And they barely see him. His daughter is 15 and she barely comes to dinner once a month. She doesn't seem to like him...and hasn't really since we've met.

 

 

My first thought reading this is he is feeling smothered and wants to get away. That's not healthy. Couples need alone time and/or time with friends now and then.

 

Also, you would give up 50/50 custody of your children settling for every other weekend?? Your children will be adults out of the house in the blink of any eye. Giving up precious time with them is not worth it for anyone or anything. Your kids should come first. I'm in a 3 hour long distance relationship because I have 50/50 custody. I'll move to my boyfriend's town when my youngest graduates high school. I cherish my time with her and wouldn't give that up for anything. She comes first. I luckily found a man who respects that.

Edited May 21, 2018 by mademe2

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

He was pissed this morning because my child has more games this wekened becuase they won a tournament and he doesn't want to go to them and "ruin another weekend". He's ANGRY that my child made it to state because it's disrupting his weekend.

 

His children are 15 and 18. And they barely see him. His daughter is 15 and she barely comes to dinner once a month. She doesn't seem to like him...and hasn't really since we've met.

 

He is not stepfather material. It doesn't even sound like he's father material.

 

Think long and hard....maybe you should let him find a job in another state. Your child is THE most important person in this equation.

[hippychick3]

HE is the one who literally lost his last high paying job because he kept taking time off to travel to my work events. He couldn't handle being apart....he's also very jealous.

 

And so he blamed me and said he had trust issues and if I didn't want him to go and pay for him to go -- something was wrong. So I did.

 

So my work travel has really gone down. I am far more grounded. And this happens?

 

And yeah...I suppose I shouldn't give up 50/50. I know. But I can't help but feel I am losing him....and it's hard to let go after doing SO much to make this relationship work.

 

He was pissed this morning because my child has more games this wekened becuase they won a tournament and he doesn't want to go to them and "ruin another weekend". He's ANGRY that my child made it to state because it's disrupting his weekend.

 

I said well don't go then...and he said "that's what you want...you want to leave me alone? On a holiday weekend?" He was horrified.

 

And then 3 hours later he tells me he's gonna have to move out of state and will "figure out how to see me?"

 

Honestly, I'm thinking about this and I'm wondering if this another ploy to get me to pay his bills. He's been telling me he can't pay anything and may go bankrupt...and can't pay his child support. His children are 15 and 18. And they barely see him. His daughter is 15 and she barely comes to dinner once a month. She doesn't seem to like him...and hasn't really since we've met.

 

OP, this man sounds so incredibly selfish. I implore you to chose your children over him every time. You are their only mother, and they didn't ask for this. They deserve all of your time and attention when they're with you so they can grow up to be emotionally healthy, successful adults.

 

I know it's hard because you're very attached to this man. But step back and look at his character and his relationship with you....that is what your children are seeing and learning from. Don't give up yourself or time with your kids for this dude who can't even be there for his own children. That alone would make me run for the hills.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

OP, this man sounds so incredibly selfish. I implore you to chose your children over him every time. You are their only mother, and they didn't ask for this. They deserve all of your time and attention when they're with you so they can grow up to be emotionally healthy, successful adults.

 

I know it's hard because you're very attached to this man. But step back and look at his character and his relationship with you....that is what your children are seeing and learning from. Don't give up yourself or time with your kids for this dude who can't even be there for his own children. That alone would make me run for the hills.

 

A thousand times this.

 

Precisely why I've decided to stay single until both of my kids have flown the nest.

[MidwestUSA]

How many usernames? How many bizarre stories? How much abuse?

 

If anything, he's destroyed YOUR life, but you seem to thrive on it!

 

Three years of advice, and you've taken none of it into consideration. You've made your own bed. I feel for your son.

[d0nnivain]

Wish him well on his job search. Tell him that you two can revisit the issue of marriage once he gets settled & works out his finances.

 

On some level yes you will be lying to him because the reality is he's not gonna get his act together to make the business profitable or relocate to get another job. But if you sit back, be sweet & accepting, as he finds something else to try to blame on you that is his fault & his responsibility, eventually you will get fed up & dump him. Until then, just be sweet & see how this plays out.

[SJS]

There are going to be a lot of trying times during marriage. You're not even married yet, and he's already showing his true colors. Anyone that flips it all back on me, and then has the nerve to call me insane? Yeah, I'd write him a letter of recommendation for that out of state job.

[Whoknew30]

You’re both extremely selfish. You can’t think of the possibility of him moving away from you but you have no second thoughts about moving away from your own child to follow him. You stated you’ll see your own child every other weekend like nothing.

 

IMO, you get what you give in life. You’ve put a man in front of your own child & now you’re getting put second yourself...how does it feel? Well remember that’s what you’re doing to your daughter, that never asked for you to be her mom.

 

We all make the wrong choices but only some of us actually learn from them. Want to figure out how much he loves you & is willing to be with you...put your child’s best interest first. If you lose him in the process, who cares. You’ll be sad but at the end of your life, do you really want to be someone that doesn’t respect you as a mother or your child? I can’t imagine any mother “worth her salt” would want that. Good luck

[preraph]

I can't help notice that nowhere in there do you mention that you have a job and are contributing half. You're expecting him to somehow wave a wand and "get rich" so he can take care of you, I think. It isn't going to happen. He needs a woman who will do her part so he doesn't have unreasonable expectations put on him. If you have a job, it didn't come up in your post, which it would have since to go to where he is, you'd have to leave your job.

 

He is clearly resentful about money and I can understand that if you are not working full-time helping out. I think he honestly just wants out of the relationship because it's not practical long-term. I can't blame any man for wanting to be set in a decent job and have control over his finances before taking on someone else as a responsibility. No way should you leave your child behind. This doesn't speak well of you.

[mademe2]

I understand the issues here are my lack of respect for my own child. I have to address that.

 

As for my income. I mentioned i have full time work and support myself and the home i had near my family when we met.

 

I have offered him the opportunity for me to fully support him if he files bankruptcy and decides to close his office. But only if we live in the home that i have near my family. It would be best for my child. He said that i would have to pay his child support and his 300k in debt. And said i shouldn’t count on him getting a job if i decide to do that.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I understand the issues here are my lack of respect for my own child. I have to address that.

 

As for my income. I mentioned i have full time work and support myself and the home i had near my family when we met.

 

I have offered him the opportunity for me to fully support him if he files bankruptcy and decides to close his office. But only if we live in the home that i have near my family. It would be best for my child. He said that i would have to pay his child support and his 300k in debt. And said i shouldn’t count on him getting a job if i decide to do that.

 

Wouldn't bankruptcy erase the debt?

[mademe2]

Yes. He’s just putting up roadblocks. He doesn’t want to be “my bitch” as he says.

 

He says he thinks I’ll drop him after he moves so he won’t do it.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes. He’s just putting up roadblocks. He doesn’t want to be “my bitch” as he says.

He says he thinks I’ll drop him after he moves so he won’t do it.

 

Well, he sounds just lovely. Good luck.

[mademe2]

I agree that i should probably say i am moving permanently back into my house. It’s best for me and my child and my career. Come. If he doesn’t, it is the clear answer.

 

After i blew up yesterday i calmed down. He said that he won’t leave me. He was just talking out loud about options. But then said “worst case scenario, you have your own place still, your own job. It’s not like I’d leave you in the air”.

 

I got very mad and said that’s supposed to be reassuring me?!! He says he said nothing wrong. He’s just pointing out that I’d be fine if for some reason that happened. Grrrrrr!

[hippychick3]

I understand the issues here are my lack of respect for my own child. I have to address that.

 

As for my income. I mentioned i have full time work and support myself and the home i had near my family when we met.

 

I have offered him the opportunity for me to fully support him if he files bankruptcy and decides to close his office. But only if we live in the home that i have near my family. It would be best for my child. He said that i would have to pay his child support and his 300k in debt. And said i shouldn’t count on him getting a job if i decide to do that.

 

Not supporting this loser would be best for your child.

[bathtub-row]

My #1 rule in life: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER put another person above your child. #2 rule, read rule #1.

 

By that, I don't mean that your significant other takes a back seat because I don't believe that at all. I firmly believe that the man and woman are the foundation of the home and should stay strong together. But no man or woman should ever put the parent of a child in a position to give up or distance themselves from their child or children. That's what I mean by never putting anyone above your child. Never shed your principles for anyone - even if the man is the kid's biological father. Your child looks to you for protection, love, safety, confidence. If your principles are strong, you'll do nothing to knowingly shake the foundation of your trusting child.

 

I dated a guy once, we were crazy about each other, but in a few months he considered moving away because of a job offer that came out of the blue. He already knew where I stood on the issue because I told him at the beginning of our relationship -- I wouldn't move away from my child nor would I take him away from being close to his father. End of conversation. Not negotiable.

 

In your case, your fiance is certifiable and I predict that you'll be in divorce court in a couple of years if you marry him. What he's trying to do is isolate you - remove you from friends and family - so that he can really pour on his narcissistic control and break your spirit. It's like the frog that's slowly boiled to death. You don't see it happening but it's happening all the same.

 

He's also deliberately creating drama because it's how he manipulates and controls you. And you, in turn, buy into it by reacting the way you do and by continuing to stay with him. This is a very unhealthy relationship. He's not husband material, he's not step-dad material, and he's not capable of change. For your part, you should decide who you are, what you're about, what your immovable standards are and stand firm on those things.

[Whoknew30]

I understand the issues here are my lack of respect for my own child. I have to address that.

 

As for my income. I mentioned i have full time work and support myself and the home i had near my family when we met.

 

I have offered him the opportunity for me to fully support him if he files bankruptcy and decides to close his office. But only if we live in the home that i have near my family. It would be best for my child. He said that i would have to pay his child support and his 300k in debt. And said i shouldn’t count on him getting a job if i decide to do that.

 

You sound extremely desperate to keep this man & when someone turns into desperate mode, their mind usually isn’t clear, they their hand power over to a person that doesn’t deserve it & they are usually the ones screwed over & crying in the end.

 

You’re fiancé sounds like a jerk that knows he has power over you but honestly...most men will never respect a woman that doesn’t respect her kids. You make money & you’re chasing a loser that seems like he really doesn’t want you but stays bc he knows he can control you.

 

I honestly would get some therapy if I were You to figure out where you became so easily to control & desperate for that kind of man’s attention. Good luck