Is trust really rebuilt if the cheater gets caught?

[MelodyRye]

In the most extreme case of a cheater actually getting caught in the act, do you think the relationship or marriage is ever rebuilt?

 

I don't know too much about infidelity but one of my friend's cousin cheated in her marriage.

 

Here is a brief description from what I understood:

She got caught (literally) cheating on her husband. She had a full year-old affair till getting caught. Their daughter was 6 years at the time and in school. Surprisingly the husband worked things out with her. It's been now 10 years later and their marriage is stronger than before. Their daughter who is now 16 is still unware of what her mother did.

 

I'm still trying to understand how can things get better after such a scene like that. Or is the marriage just working out for the sake of the child? Part of me wonders if the guy might be thinking of having a revenge affair. I would have done that if I were him.

Edited May 15, 2018 by MelodyRye
editing

[d0nnivain]

I think trust can be rebuilt with a lot of hard work, professional counseling & transparency but I seriously doubt that catching somebody in the act is the best foundation. I don't know how the BS could ever get that image out of their mind.

[BluesPower]

The reason is...That there are some very weak men that would take a woman back after something like that.

 

 

Any reasonable man, IMHO, would never take a woman back after that.

 

 

In certain, very rare circumstances, if the couple is in love, and if the Wayward spouse wakes up and realized what they have done... in those rare cases, the couple can reconcile and have a happy marriage.

 

 

But is most cases, like this, it is a questions of the BS accepting his emasculation and just living with it.

 

 

And if you see a couple like this, watch the dynamic between them if you are close enough.

 

 

Often times the female cheater will have the upper hand because the Male was too weak to divorce her. He was too scared try and find another woman and make a new life.

 

 

I know this sounds very cynical, but it is in fact the majority of these types of cases...

[carhill]

IME, the relationship changes if it survives and the trust rebuilt is of a different flavor than that prior. The trust building process occurs similarly to how it occurs in a new relationship, except of the flavor of knowing one's spouse or partner is clearly capable of betrayal and has acted on that capability. Some people can work that out. Others can't.

 

Is trust 'really' rebuilt? The couple decides that for themselves. You might not agree and I might not agree but it isn't our relationship, it's theirs.

 

I'll echo the value of professional psychological and/or spiritual help in the recovery process. Both parties being willing to engage in that process portends hope. A strong foundation prior to infidelity similar. Definitely possible.

[MelodyRye]

I don't know how the BS could ever get that image out of their mind.

Same thing I wonder.

 

Even as a woman, that's something I would never be able to work that one out. I only met the couple once at a social gathering and from the outside (until my friend told me the story), they seemed like your typical normal, happy couple.

 

So much for appearances.

[nospam99]

The reason is...That there are some very weak men that would take a woman back after something like that.

 

 

Any reasonable man, IMHO, would never take a woman back after that.

 

Or in a no-fault divorce state where the man loses MUCH less economically if he waits until child support and maintenance are no longer in play. Don't discount the possibility that the law so favors the wife that the economic damage of not taking her back outweighs the psychological and emotional damage of the betrayal. Not cheating, but a similarly damaging betrayal of trust. Had a roof over my head and food on the table the whole time, still do.

[BluesPower]

Or in a no-fault divorce state where the man loses MUCH less economically if he waits until child support and maintenance are no longer in play. Don't discount the possibility that the law so favors the wife that the economic damage of not taking her back outweighs the psychological and emotional damage of the betrayal. Not cheating, but a similarly damaging betrayal of trust. Had a roof over my head and food on the table the whole time, still do.

 

I do understand, I really do. And this is what is wrong with the D laws.

 

But I stand by my statement. And it is not just the cheating for me, I could not take her for one more second. And my kids were grown.

 

But if I had it to do over again, I would have D'ed her at the first sign of trouble.

 

It would have been worth any amount of money, and I had less so it would have cost less.

 

But even now, I got out for less than about 100,000. Paid over time, so I really did well. No alimony.

 

As much as I love my new GF, and I have told her this, one false move and you are gone. I will not accept anything shady, crazy or stupid, ever again.

[preraph]

It probably isn't stronger than before. If there ever was trust, it's probably gone forever. And you can't assume there ever was trust to begin with. Some people never trust their SO ever because of a flaw inside themselves.

 

Some people just decide they'd rather stay than go, even though trust is gone. Some stay for the kids. Whatever it is, you'll likely never know. Just wish them well and hope the kids are benefiting.

[vickyp]

No. In the back of my mind, I'd think it happen again.

[BluesPower]

No. In the back of my mind, I'd think it happen again.

 

If you really feel that way... then you need to end it.

 

That is not way to live, waiting until he finds someone that he likes better.

 

Or even worse, if he just continues to cheat whenever.

 

That is no way to live...

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Cheating is complicated but 6 years says more importantly than the sex: I don’t respect you, lying to you is ok for years on end and you’re not worth enough to me to even confess.

 

Why would anyone want a mate who makes a fool of them?

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I do understand, I really do. And this is what is wrong with the D laws.

 

But I stand by my statement. And it is not just the cheating for me, I could not take her for one more second. And my kids were grown.

 

But if I had it to do over again, I would have D'ed her at the first sign of trouble.

 

It would have been worth any amount of money, and I had less so it would have cost less.

 

But even now, I got out for less than about 100,000. Paid over time, so I really did well. No alimony.

 

As much as I love my new GF, and I have told her this, one false move and you are gone. I will not accept anything shady, crazy or stupid, ever again.

 

Hi BP

 

And that’s because you love and respect yourself. That’s who everyone should love and respect before anyone else. Because if you don’t why should anyoke else?

[Woggle]

It can with a lot of effort. Not effort I would be willing to put in but it can be done.

[Logo]

Part of me wonders if the guy might be thinking of having a revenge affair. I would have done that if I were him.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

By the way, who's to say she hasn't cheated again since the last affair?

[ItsJustMyOpinion]

A relationship after an affair will take arguably more work than a new normal relationship without infidelity.

 

Most people will choose to just end it, including myself. Only in very, very rare and specific circumstances would I ever even consider the notion of continuing a relationship after an affair.