Question for the Fellas--Ex Husbands, Lovers, Etc.

[Asta]

A woman that you are interested in is on friendly terms with one another. They have a grown child and often when at events that may involve the child (artist), they may sit together, talk etc. The woman is pretty emphatic that they are DONE and merely get along and communicate regarding what is still to them--the child. I guess from a social point of view, the ex sorta marks territory or gives off vibes (no physical touches or anything) that could be interpreted as "still mine," but woman is emphatic that they are DONE. Would you believe her?

 

Women, feel free to comment as well.

[PegNosePete]

Yes, I would believe her.

 

That doesn't mean I would want to start a relationship with her though. It sounds like there could be a lot of drama down the line.

[Asta]

Yes, I would believe her.

 

That doesn't mean I would want to start a relationship with her though. It sounds like there could be a lot of drama down the line.

 

Hhhhmmmm, that's interesting. Why do you think there could be drama down the line?

[PegNosePete]

I would have thought that's obvious. They spend a lot of time together and the ex husband seems to have ... issues. Issues lead to drama, and drama leads to trouble.

[grays]

Do you have reason to not trust her? I think that could describe a whole lot of previously married couples. I think it could describe me and my ex but there's no romatic love between us. We will never be a thing again. If theyre split it's very likely there is good reason for it.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a woman.

 

I have seen many examples of mature people who manage to co-exist peacefully for the sake of the children. The fact that the woman in Q is polite when she & her adult child's father meet at the child's events shows maturity & civility. Nothing wrong with that.

 

My in laws have a perfectly pleasant location. They don't go out of their way to interact but are quite cordial at extended family events.

 

My bio uncle & his EX, my aunt (My cousins' mother) often interact at social events. They still celebrate Christmas together but the lines are quite clear.

 

I'd have to see the two people interact but if all I saw was good manners, I'd have no reason to believe that the parties were carrying on an illicit affair.

[BluesPower]

I have a rule, and it is difficult with non adult children, no Exes.

 

I just don't deal with it. If they want or have a cordial relationship, OK good for them, but not for me.

 

It is something that I do not allow in my relationships. I try to never talk to my Ex if I don't absolutely have to, and that is about money usually or one of the Grown children. I have one at home still, he is in his last year of collage.

 

If we have to go to an event, which does happen, I don't talk to or acknowledge her in any way, and we def don't sit together.

 

Now, this is just me. I have really hard rules because I don't deal with any BS in my life anymore.

 

For example, my GF was more bothered than I was. Both of my sons had a combined CD release party for the 2 different bands that they play with, so we were both there.

 

For me I just ignored her, and tried to make GF feel special and comfortable.

[Asta]

I would have thought that's obvious. They spend a lot of time together and the ex husband seems to have ... issues. Issues lead to drama, and drama leads to trouble.

 

Nooooo, they don't spend time together other than they may see one another at the events that involve the kid--where they both may be alone (not with a date). Other than that, there is no "time together." But I'm very curious about your perspective and what issues does the ex seem to have. On a surface level, I'm sure he would say that the two of them are now "just friends" and what is the big deal. Actually, they get along without any drama. Nothing romantic or sexual between them.

[carhill]

Since all the women I dated, including the one I married, had ex-spouses, I ran into this a lot. The one commonality I noted in the dating interactions which progressed was in how the woman clearly prioritized our relationship/interaction while at the same time respecting the other person as co-parent and/or ex-spouse. If the ex-spouse had designs on or feelings for the woman it wasn't relevant. They can feel any way they do.

 

I run into this with long married friends even to this day. My best friend's ex, even though they've both been remarried to others for decades, would get with him in a skinny minute, or so his daughter shares regularly. To him she's dead. He hasn't even seen her in years if not decades. His wife of 30+ years has nothing to worry about even if they had contact due to their adult children, grandchildren, etc. That's pretty much how I feel about my exW. Met her new guy, good on them, she's dead to me from the spouse standpoint, yeah had some good memories life goes on.

[Asta]

Since all the women I dated, including the one I married, had ex-spouses, I ran into this a lot. The one commonality I noted in the dating interactions which progressed was in how the woman clearly prioritized our relationship/interaction while at the same time respecting the other person as co-parent and/or ex-spouse. If the ex-spouse had designs on or feelings for the woman it wasn't relevant. They can feel any way they do.

 

I run into this with long married friends even to this day. My best friend's ex, even though they've both been remarried to others for decades, would get with him in a skinny minute, or so his daughter shares regularly. To him she's dead. He hasn't even seen her in years if not decades. His wife of 30+ years has nothing to worry about even if they had contact due to their adult children, grandchildren, etc. That's pretty much how I feel about my exW. Met her new guy, good on them, she's dead to me from the spouse standpoint, yeah had some good memories life goes on.

 

This is how I would see it regarding the ex spouse. Because the kid is an artist, they are going to be in the same social circle. They speak and talk about kid. If its mega crowded and they are both alone, they may even sit together. But as far as anything else is concerned, that's over.

I've been told that the very fact that they can be civil pleasant to one another hints at something deeper. I just don't see that but I don't see things the way many others do, so the more viewpoints the merrier.

[carhill]

One dynamic in play is the old adage of love and hate being partners and the opposite of love being indifference. Think about our social behaviors with the billions of people on the planet we're indifferent of. To me, it's the behaviors of the person I'm romantically involved with which matter. The rest of the planet behaves how it chooses to. In your example, it would be my female dating partner, GF, or spouse. How she prioritizes our partnership. Same with me if interacting with old loves/GFs/spouses. We usually set that tone when meeting the person in question as a couple.

 

I got an example of it when meeting exH2 while dating the lady who later became my wife. Shook hands with him and his dad, petted their dog that he had kept in their D, talked about a house project they were working on, loaded some of her boxes of personal stuff into the truck and that was that. They had been divorced a couple years at that point but had an amicable divorce and lived in the same town. Non-issue. Good guy. Ran into him a few more times in the future, even after married, until their dog died. Behavior usually tells the story.

[Asta]

I have a rule, and it is difficult with non adult children, no Exes.

 

I just don't deal with it. If they want or have a cordial relationship, OK good for them, but not for me.

 

It is something that I do not allow in my relationships. I try to never talk to my Ex if I don't absolutely have to, and that is about money usually or one of the Grown children. I have one at home still, he is in his last year of collage.

 

If we have to go to an event, which does happen, I don't talk to or acknowledge her in any way, and we def don't sit together.

 

Now, this is just me. I have really hard rules because I don't deal with any BS in my life anymore.

 

For example, my GF was more bothered than I was. Both of my sons had a combined CD release party for the 2 different bands that they play with, so we were both there.

 

For me I just ignored her, and tried to make GF feel special and comfortable.

 

Your girlfriend was bothered by the presence of your ex at an even that involved the children the two of you have?

[BluesPower]

Your girlfriend was bothered by the presence of your ex at an even that involved the children the two of you have?

 

Yes a little... I am not sure why?

 

She knows that I hate her, I think it just made her a little uncomfortable. She could have been worried that we might cause a scene. Or that my kids might be uncomfortable, which is probably it.

 

But then, I have gotten around a lot in my life and lately before I met her. So she is a little leery about me and any other women.

 

I think it is cute. I fell in love with her the first time I kissed her. But she did not know that, she thought she had to really reel me in.

 

She has nothing to worry about. But at the same time, part of that worry keeps her focused on me, which I am fine with...

[preraph]

She's done, and if she was smart, she wouldn't let the man be hanging around trying to make it look like she's taken. He should move on. She doesn't want him but is too nice to run him off and hurt his feelings. He should have some dignity and move on.

[Asta]

One dynamic in play is the old adage of love and hate being partners and the opposite of love being indifference. Think about our social behaviors with the billions of people on the planet we're indifferent of. To me, it's the behaviors of the person I'm romantically involved with which matter. The rest of the planet behaves how it chooses to. In your example, it would be my female dating partner, GF, or spouse. How she prioritizes our partnership. Same with me if interacting with old loves/GFs/spouses. We usually set that tone when meeting the person in question as a couple.

 

I got an example of it when meeting exH2 while dating the lady who later became my wife. Shook hands with him and his dad, petted their dog that he had kept in their D, talked about a house project they were working on, loaded some of her boxes of personal stuff into the truck and that was that. They had been divorced a couple years at that point but had an amicable divorce and lived in the same town. Non-issue. Good guy. Ran into him a few more times in the future, even after married, until their dog died. Behavior usually tells the story.

 

Yeah, indifference may be a good word for it. Maybe people can't comprehend amicable separations and endings. Two people mutually agree that they don't work as a romantic couple. However, they can co-parent and still have a degree of regard and respect for one another. I do have a theory that men sorta have a possessive button about the women that they have been with that doesn't go away. I noticed a thread to that effect.

[Asta]

She's done, and if she was smart, she wouldn't let the man be hanging around trying to make it look like she's taken. He should move on. She doesn't want him but is too nice to run him off and hurt his feelings. He should have some dignity and move on.

 

Ohhh, I think he has his dignity. What's obvious is that when another woman that he is involved with shows up, he ignores the ex completely.

[preraph]

Ohhh, I think he has his dignity. What's obvious is that when another woman that he is involved with shows up, he ignores the ex completely.

 

Well, that's good, I guess, although there's always the chance he's doing it to make her jealous. But if she says she's done, and they never see each other except about the kid, then I think it's just for the kid's benefit they're doing it. But I don't like that they're making themselves look like a couple, or I wouldn't like it if I was involved with one of them.

[Imajerk17]

A woman that you are interested in is on friendly terms with one another. They have a grown child and often when at events that may involve the child (artist), they may sit together, talk etc. The woman is pretty emphatic that they are DONE and merely get along and communicate regarding what is still to them--the child. I guess from a social point of view, the ex sorta marks territory or gives off vibes (no physical touches or anything) that could be interpreted as "still mine," but woman is emphatic that they are DONE. Would you believe her?

 

Women, feel free to comment as well.

 

OP why are you posing the question as a hypothetical It's confusing and somewhat annoying to the reader and vaguely insulting too, like you really expect us to believe that this isn't you. Just explain your situation and ask your question, it will be OK!

 

It would raise red flags for me. That *ahem* you are keeping an ex around who thinks it is "more" close enough would make me question your boundaries ect. Gotta be blunt here.

Edited May 16, 2018 by Imajerk17

[Asta]

OP why are you posing the question as a hypothetical It's confusing and somewhat annoying to the reader and vaguely insulting too, like you really expect us to believe that this isn't you. Just explain your situation and ask your question, it will be OK!

 

It would raise red flags for me. That *ahem* you are keeping an ex around who thinks it is "more" close enough would make me question your boundaries ect. Gotta be blunt here.

 

Interesting. I don't see how from what I've said there is an intention to "keep him around." As far as what annoys you or insults you, you are wayyyy off base and I can't see how the question is posted (1st or hypothetical) is that personal to you. I probably analyze hypothetically whether its me or not. How my mind works I guess. Whether its me or someone else didn't seem that relevant. But the way I think and the way others thing is DRASTICALLY different. I think a few people here see it as I do. Maybe its asking too much of someone to see it for what it really is at this point--completely platonic and evolving around the kid only. I'm not sure what the women he dates thinks. I also really don't care that much. We don't have hate or dislike. Neither of us have ever been into drama and this is a relationship that spans 30+ years and includes the kid. On one level it didn't work. Doesn't bother us to discuss the kid or things that involve the kid. The issue came up when I was told that socially, MEN think we are still together due to how we are in public--talk or may sit together at these kid events only. Even though I say we aren't, they find that suspect. At last week's even I told him to go sit somewhere else because it was socially confusing and that it sort of indicates we are still a couple. His response was why and so what. He went and sat somewhere else for the bulk of the night but by the end, made his way over to sit and chit chat. I'm completely sure if I brought it up he would deny anything spiteful and would just say he had something to say to me and doesn't understand what the big deal is. It does all seem ridiculous but based on the responses here-- for the guy who wants to ask me out but thinks my ex is still hovering--maybe not.

[Asta]

Well, that's good, I guess, although there's always the chance he's doing it to make her jealous. But if she says she's done, and they never see each other except about the kid, then I think it's just for the kid's benefit they're doing it. But I don't like that they're making themselves look like a couple, or I wouldn't like it if I was involved with one of them.

 

 

Fair enough. Thanks for the responses--informative.

[Asta]

Like other guys have said, I would believe her, but I wouldn't want anything to do with the situation. Been there, done that. It's an uncomfortable situation for the new guy to be in.

 

Thanks. This is the kind of stuff I need to know.

[Asta]

I was dating a single mom maybe 6 years or so ago. She invited me to her daughter's softball game. When I showed up, my girl was there with her mother and her ex. They all had camping chairs they were sitting in to watch the game from the sidelines. No chair for me. Yeah, I knew she wasn't fooling around with her ex-husband or anything, but being the outsider standing around a broken family is awkward. I left and broke things off with her not long after.

Well that was inconsiderate of her. the mother was probably still into the ex which is also problematic. Understand why you left.

[Asta]

She wasn't into the ex at all. She just didn't really think about the situation until I brought it up to her. In fact, the ex wasn't even into her anymore either. They were just both watching their daughter play her game, no big deal. They got along and never talked unless it was kid related. The only problem was me. I just don't want to be a part of a situation like that.

 

Can I ask why. I'm trying to understand your point of view. I do think young kids are tougher. [Edit: Never mind, I see it in the other thread].

Edited May 16, 2018 by Asta

[PegNosePete]

I'm very curious about your perspective and what issues does the ex seem to have.

You said it right in the original question:

the ex sorta marks territory or gives off vibes (no physical touches or anything) that could be interpreted as "still mine,"

This would suggest to me that trouble is brewing and some day there will be a huge amount of drama. Either the ex will need to be confronted and told to back off, or the ex will do something crazy, or something like that.

 

Yet now you're saying they get along without any drama? You're contradicting yourself.

 

OP why are you posing the question as a hypothetical It's confusing and somewhat annoying to the reader and vaguely insulting too

This. I find it really annoying too when people do this. Post a vague generic question, people give their opinions, and then come back and say "no you're wrong because <more details>". It's like you're seeking justification rather than asking a genuine question.

 

It seems that you're the woman in this situation. What's really going on? Is your boyfriend is having issues with your relationship with your ex? It really makes much more sense to ask about your situation rather than vague generic questions about hypotheticals, because you only get hypothetical answers which don't really help you.

Edited May 16, 2018 by PegNosePete

[Asta]

You said it right in the original question:

 

This would suggest to me that trouble is brewing and some day there will be a huge amount of drama. Either the ex will need to be confronted and told to back off, or the ex will do something crazy, or something like that.

 

Yet now you're saying they get along without any drama? You're contradicting yourself.

 

 

This. I find it really annoying too when people do this. Post a vague generic question, people give their opinions, and then come back and say "no you're wrong because <more details>". It's like you're seeking justification rather than asking a genuine question.

 

It seems that you're the woman in this situation. What's really going on? Is your boyfriend is having issues with your relationship with your ex? It really makes much more sense to ask about your situation rather than vague generic questions about hypotheticals, because you only get hypothetical answers which don't really help you.

 

I don't really see it as drama. I don't think he does either. I would be SHOCKED out of my mind if he did something crazy. [Where did you get that?] Just isn't in him. Ohhh, I see what you mean. I think other men see him as marking territory when he sits with me at events. I just see him as we are both at an event and neither of us are with someone. I don't have a boyfriend. There was a guy [also an artist that is in the same social circles] showing interest until the ex showed up at an event. If I'm reading him right, it pissed him off. Of course he hasn't said. All of the answers were helpful. There wasn't anymore to it than what I posed in the original post. There is also another thread about dating people with kids that was enlightening. Maybe my issue is that I've never really dated so all this social stuff is kinda beyond me. (Same guy most of my adult life). To me if I tell you its over, its over no matter what passive aggressive vibes he may or may not be giving off depending upon who is interpreting. But the responses here make me think that maybe that is a little unrealistic. I'm trying to see all sides here. Also, looking at other threads, it appears that people seem to go back to exes enough that any interaction is suspicious. That's not my situation from my point of view. We are fine co-parenting and polite chit chat when we are in the social setting involving kid but that's IT.

Edited May 16, 2018 by Asta