How Should I Spend My Time?

[Wave Rider]

So after my recent thread about whether women would date a 39-year-old grad student, I took courage and started doing some online dating. It seems to be more successful than I thought it would be, and I have three dates set up for next weekend. We'll see how all this goes. But recently I've been confused about how best to spend my time.

 

I generally like my life, and I feel like the biggest sore spot in my life is that I'm single. I have a job I enjoy, I have fun hobbies, and I have loyal friends. I think that's pretty good. Yesterday I spent the whole day on my hobby/side business of aerial photography, and I loved it. It was really fun. But at the end of the day I felt a little empty because, as fun as my hobby is, I didn't meet any new women and it doesn't seem that I got any closer to getting what I really want, which is a healthy relationship.

 

So how best should I spend my time? Here are some options that I'm considering, and I'd like people's feedback on which of them will best help me to move towards finding a healthy relationship.

 

1) Focus on my research career. Getting a top-level job after I graduate will increase my chances of attracting better-quality women.

 

2) Focus on my hobbies. My hobby may lead to a career, and staying busy with a hobby that I'm passionate about helps me to be independent, busy, and important.

 

3) Focus on lifting weights and getting six-pack abs. My physique is OK, but it seems that having a great physique significantly improves men's attractiveness.

 

4) Focus on meeting large numbers of women and going on as many dates as possible. Maybe I'm fine the way I am, and maybe love is really a numbers game where I need to meet many women and go on many dates before I find a good match.

 

Time is a finite resource for all of us, and we all need to make choices about how we spend our time. I don't really have time to excel in all four of these activities. There just isn't time for all of it. If what I'm looking for is a relationship, which of these, if any, is the best way to invest my time in achieving that goal?

Edited March 25, 2018 by Wave Rider

[Art_Critic]

of your options, 2 and 4...

 

I met my wife after I gave up on it all, was spending tons of time at the cabin in the mountains, working lots and decided to give OLD a try again...

 

They say the easiest way to meet someone is stop looking and start living...

Do whatever puts you in the start living category and the rest will sort itself out.

[basil67]

Instead of focusing on excelling at one thing, doing a bit of each thing would make you a more rounded individual. Someone who can turn their hand to many things - even if not an expert at any of them - makes for a huge selling point.

 

I'd always choose someone who's well rounded over someone who excels in niche areas.

[nospam99]

They say the easiest way to meet someone is stop looking and start living...

Do whatever puts you in the start living category and the rest will sort itself out.

 

Don't know who 'they' are but .... (sample of one here) In the five years while my divorce was processing, I 'started living' and 'met' all platonic but ZERO romantic potential women. On the other hand, in six months of 'looking' I've 'met' six women with romantic potential (meeting #7 scheduled for Friday) and a good three months of that six included dating without actively looking. So I'm not buying into either of the 'she'll fall into your lap' or 'the rest will sort itself out' models. My favored model is 'the Lord helps those who help themselves'.

 

To 'tune' the OP's #4,...

4.1) Focus on meeting a few highly compatible women and going on dates with them. Maybe I'm fine the way I am, and maybe love is really a numbers game where I need to meet enough good women and go on enough good dates to give myself a good chance before I find a good match.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

#4, but don't stop #2. Or even number 3, but for yourself, not to attract a woman!

[Wave Rider]

I appreciate the replies. The standard dating advice is indeed to focus on building a great life for yourself in the hope that a great person will fall into your lap as you become a great person. I believed this for a long time, and have worked to build a great life for myself. But as I have posted about before, I spend my time in male-dominated fields like physics and weightlifting, and nearly everyone I interact with on a daily bass is male. So I need to make efforts to meet new people.

 

Maybe the well-rounded approach is the best. I don’t know. Our economy rewards people who specialize, people who become really really good at just one thing. So far I’ve been dividing my time between all of them.

 

It sounds great for me to focus on dating a few highly compatible women. But if you know how to do that, then please tell me how, because there just doesn’t seem to be a way to know if you are compatible with someone without spending some time with them.

[Wave Rider]

I guess what I’m really saying is that sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time with my hobbies, exercise, and even my career, if what I really want in my life is a relationship. And if it’s going to be a tremendous amount of work to find a compatible relationship, including possibly going on hundreds of dates over a few years’ time, as seems to be true for some people, then I am wondering if I am wasting my time flying my drone around taking pictures of the beach, or surfing, or putting in any extra time at work. If what I want is a relationship, and the only way to find one is to tackle the problem head-on by actively searching for one, then would it be in my best interest to put all my time and resources into that cause?

[basil67]

Maybe the well-rounded approach is the best. I don’t know. Our economy rewards people who specialize, people who become really really good at just one thing. So far I’ve been dividing my time between all of them.

 

While this can be true, it can also be true that one can over specialise. My BFF's husband is in a very specialised area of IT and it can be a struggle to find available jobs because it's such a niche specialty. Meanwhile my hubby is more rounded and has a far easier time finding work.

 

It's also worth pointing out that dating can't be compared to the economy.

 

It sounds great for me to focus on dating a few highly compatible women. But if you know how to do that, then please tell me how, because there just doesn’t seem to be a way to know if you are compatible with someone without spending some time with them.

 

You're correct that the only way to find out if someone is compatible is to get to know them.

 

I guess what I’m really saying is that sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time with my hobbies, exercise, and even my career, if what I really want in my life is a relationship.

 

It's never a waste to do things you enjoy. And having a full, well rounded life will not only make for a nicer life, it will make you a more interesting date.

 

And if it’s going to be a tremendous amount of work to find a compatible relationship, including possibly going on hundreds of dates over a few years’ time, as seems to be true for some people, then I am wondering if I am wasting my time flying my drone around taking pictures of the beach, or surfing, or putting in any extra time at work. If what I want is a relationship, and the only way to find one is to tackle the problem head-on by actively searching for one, then would it be in my best interest to put all my time and resources into that cause?

 

You sound like you're taking on a new project. But this isn't a project, it's just about living life. You may find a partner quickly. You may not. You may want breaks from dating. You may spend a year with someone and find it doesn't work and break up. Stop planning and just enjoy life.

 

And for what it's worth, if I was on a date and discovered that the guy was so focused on dating that he didn't have time for a life outside of it, I'd almost certainly write him off.

 

Just chill. Date. Have fun. Work. Socialise. Let life happen.

[nospam99]

If what I want is a relationship, and the only way to find one is to tackle the problem head-on by actively searching for one, then would it be in my best interest to put all my time and resources into that cause?

 

My bolding No. Balance, grasshopper. I posit that there is a significant difference between searching and actively searching.

 

For example .... I see myself as searching but not 'actively'. I was divorced about a year ago and it took me a few more months to realize I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone and to decide to do something about it. So I've been 'searching' for about six months. I am not dating today. Over a month ago, shortly after a breakup, a very nice woman (totally one of my types) Yes'ed me on Match. We exchanged messages where I thanked her for being interested and said I'd get back to her. A week and a half ago I did get back to her. We exchanged more messages and finally spoke on the phone yesterday to arrange a 'first in person meeting' for Friday. Meanwhile, I (and she too I'll bet) have gone on about the rest of my/our live(s), working, doing chores, spending time with family, and spending time on ourselves with exercise and hobbies. If we 'hit it off' when we meet (spark, chemisty, yada yada) I expect we'll re-balance our schedules to spend more time with each other.

 

It's up to you (or anyone) to find your (their) own balance point. But 'only' and 'all' don't sound like good balance to me.

[CptInsano]

It really sounds like you're trying to solve an equation. Not that a logical approach is bad, but it is hard to show enthusiasm if it feels like a chore. Congratulations on setting up three dates. Are you looking forward to them? Are you excited, maybe intrigued by something you cannot quite control or a sense of adventure?

[losangelena]

To echo the above somewhat, I think the worst thing you could do is "project-ize" dating. Meet the women you've set up dates with and consider each of them; don't worry so much about what you "should" do. I personally think you're too focused on a relationship and what you think it will do for you. Women can smell that on a guy. Don't do any of the things on your list if it's with the soul intention of "meeting better women."

 

Caveat, fwiw: in my experience, the times I've been more fancy-free and focused on me, it was very easy to meet casual sex partners, but no one who was relationship-minded. For that, I always have to put in the effort to date.