Pregnancy during early dating

[heavenonearth]

I wanted to ask if any of you have had experience with pregnancy early on in a relationship?

Meaning, you were dating someone, perhaps only for a few months, and you found out you got pregnant.

Did you and the person you were dating decide to keep the baby despite the relationship being young? If so, how did that end up working out for your relationship in the long term?

 

Particularly, i am interested in stories that involve the decision to have an abortion, and how it affected the relationship?

Did you feel it strengthened your relationship - or did it cause the young relationship to fall apart?

Was it a mutual decision?

Why did you make the decision?

Or were you not on the same page?

How did you, together, deal with the emotional consequences of the abortion?

 

 

If anybody has stories to share, that would be great. Please don’t be afraid to chime in with hypotheticals or if you have stories about someone else who experienced this.

[Agonistes]

There was a thread on here not too long ago detailing a real world experience with this. Several others chimed in with their own stories. In this story, IIRC the guy dumped her after the abortion although he was on board with the decision.

[Happy Lemming]

Many years ago, I was dating a woman who got pregnant. We had been dating about 3 months. I was actually excited about the idea. We both had great jobs at the time. I had just finished a beautiful home, that I was going to flip, but didn't, as this would have been the perfect home/area to raise a child. We started making plans to move in together.

 

Unfortunately, the pregnancy turned out to be a "ectopic pregnancy". So no child ever materialized, as the ectopic pregnancy had to be terminated. We dated a little after that, but things just weren't the same. Sadly, we parted company, neither party was mad or hurt at each other, but we were both very upset by the loss of the child.

[heavenonearth]

Many years ago, I was dating a woman who got pregnant. We had been dating about 3 months. I was actually excited about the idea. We both had great jobs at the time. I had just finished a beautiful home, that I was going to flip, but didn't, as this would have been the perfect home/area to raise a child. We started making plans to move in together.

 

Unfortunately, the pregnancy turned out to be a "ectopic pregnancy". So no child ever materialized, as the ectopic pregnancy had to be terminated. We dated a little after that, but things just weren't the same. Sadly, we parted company, neither party was mad or hurt at each other, but we were both very upset by the loss of the child.

 

I can imagine it must be difficult to look forward to it and then lose it. Sorry to hear.

I suppose the experience did not strengthen your relationship but rather changed things for the negative. Why do you think were you not able to strengthen each other and grow closer after this traumatic experience? If you don’t mind me asking...?

[Happy Lemming]

I can imagine it must be difficult to look forward to it and then lose it. Sorry to hear.

 

Thank you for the kind words... Yes, it was difficult on many levels.

 

Why do you think were you not able to strengthen each other and grow closer after this traumatic experience? If you don’t mind me asking...?

 

I wish I knew... We comforted each other, but things still went downhill.

 

I do have a theory... I think she felt like a failure for being unable to carry the child to term. Every time she looked at me I guess it reminded her that she felt like she failed me. She had a previous child at a very young age, who was in college when we met, so she had already experienced the joy of being a mother. This would have been my first child. I think she felt bad that the experience had been taken away from me. Again, this is just a theory.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Quite honestly, it can go several ways. The relationship thrives, or it fails immediately, or it fails eventually due to a weak foundation.

 

I know of one couple who has been married for many years and they have an amazing marriage.....they raised four girls after aborting their first (teenage/high school) pregnancy. The wife frequently speaks about her abortion experience/their marriage exprience (which is also interracial) at Christian women's retreats. They are an inspiration.

 

I know of another couple who got pregnant very soon after dating, got married because it was the "right thing" to do (and they were over 30 years old!) and the marriage was terrible.....full of infidelity....then a second kid....more infidelity.....it ended. And not well .

 

My former babysitter (of my kids) recently got married, got pregnant, and now she's left with a 6 month old baby because the love of her life left her and her baby for someone else.

 

Honestly, there is no formula. Everyone is so different.

[heavenonearth]

Quite honestly, it can go several ways. The relationship thrives, or it fails immediately, or it fails eventually due to a weak foundation.

 

Honestly, there is no formula. Everyone is so different.

 

I know, I guess I was specifically interested in how young couples dealt with an abortion early on in the relationship.

 

I mean, not sure about weak foundations, but after less than 6 months, for example; do you think there can already exist a strong enough foundation?

[Highndry]

I am pro-choice, but as a man I believe it is a womens' issue because it's their body. That being said, I would never want a woman to abort a baby that was mine. I would not want to kill my potential child. I would raise it myself if I had to.

[heavenonearth]

Are there people on here who had the experience of an abortion early on in the relationship and it strengthened their relationship!?

[FilterCoffee]

I am pro-choice, but as a man I believe it is a womens' issue because it's their body. That being said, I would never want a woman to abort a baby that was mine. I would not want to kill my potential child. I would raise it myself if I had to.

 

I echo this sentiment. Why do you ask heaven, are you pregnant?

[heavenonearth]

I echo this sentiment. Why do you ask heaven, are you pregnant?

 

It is a long story that i didn’t want to unravel in this thread. I am hoping to exchange experiences/stories, to see how it impacted other young relationships in the short term and long term.

 

Perhaps i will share my own once i am ready.

[lana-banana]

Pregnancies themselves don't change relationships, perspectives do. It's hard to go through any type of emotionally charged experience early on in a relationship because you haven't yet built a real partnership that supports and sustains you. It shocks you out of the honeymoon period, when you should both be spending every spare moment together and sending kissy-face emojis all the time, and forces you to do a lot of maturing very quickly. Deaths of immediate family members, STD scares, suffering violent crimes may be kind of similar, but pregnancy is really the only one that directly affects both parties and is linked to such ingrained cultural attitudes.

 

You'd be surprised by how many men don't understand how pregnancy works, or who don't know a full third of all pregnancies end in miscarriages. Some men act like being pregnant is just a moderate inconvenience for a little while and don't understand the serious consequences it can have on your health, career, even the rest of your life. It's not like letting a friend park their car in your garage for nine months.

 

Either the relationship is strong enough to persist and both parties want to continue, or it isn't. An unexpected pregnancy might change things but I don't think it fundamentally changes whether two people are truly interested in being together. Unfortunately, most people don't know how serious their feelings are so early on.

 

I had serious reproductive problems in my early 20s and had to take a class X drug (a US designation indicating the medicine is extremely dangerous in case of pregnancy; class X drugs carry a high risk of killing the fetus and the mother). So when I was dating I told every boyfriend that yes, I'm on birth control but if God forbid there was some kind of accident then abortion was medically necessary. They were all fine with it and accepted it was entirely my choice. The best ones were very relaxed or had a sense of humor about it, which helped make it feel less stressful. One guy even held my hands, looked me in the eye and promised he'd do right by me and shove me down the stairs. (We got married.)

[Gaeta]

The circumstances & repercussions are unique to each couple. I don't have personal experience in that matter but I remember a male poster on here that was concerned with his 2 year relationship. After interrogating him for pages he finally admitted his girlfriend had an abortion at the beginning of their relationship. Turns out it was the source of all of their relationship problems. They had both agreed to an abortion but he failed to understand the emotional distress she fell in and from there their relationship went downhill. I don't want to generalize but a lot of men don't understand the emotional and physical roller-coaster of an abortion for a woman, even for an unwanted pregnancy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Two close (female) friends of mine have been in similar situations.

 

Both terminated the pregnancy, for various reasons. Both had the support of the fathers, both in making the decision to abort and in going through the procedure itself. Neither relationship lasted much longer.

 

I can't say for sure what exactly led to the relationship breakdowns, but I could imagine going through an experience like that so early on can magnify any cracks or doubts that already existed since there is so little shared history at that point. I think it was also the case that one of my friends thought the relationship was more serious than it really was, so it wouldn't have lasted even if there was no pregnancy.

[kendahke]

I became pregnant with my daughter (and only child) about 7 month into the relationship.

 

It fell apart once I told him (around 6 weeks in). He was there for her birth, but by that time, he was in a new relationship and she and her kids had moved in with him (I had no idea).

 

The first few years were rocky, but he and I found our footing as parenting partners by the time she was 3 and we've successfully raised our daughter without bitterness or using her as a pawn in our fights (which were long over by the time she was 3).

 

We enjoyed her high school, undergrad and grad school graduation together and most likely, once she finds a loving partner, we will celebrate her wedding together with the rest of the family. We developed a cordial , daughter-centered relationship and are, even now, welcomed in the homes of each of our families.

 

We are proof that it is possible to remember who are the adults and who are the children when it comes to relationship disappointments. The child deserves a relationship with both parents, as long as she's not being abused or harmed in any way.

 

Abortion didn't enter my mind with the pregnancy, so I can't speak on that aspect.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Are there people on here who had the experience of an abortion early on in the relationship and it strengthened their relationship!?

 

The one couple I mentioned above had that experience. This was nearly 30 years ago (gosh that makes me feel old!). Did the abortion itself strengthen the relationship? NO. God did. They are a family of deep faith, which has only grown over the years. They got over the abortion, ended up getting married and having four kids. They are a really lovely couple. And their relationship ended up healing a lot of hardened, racist hearts as well since he's black, she's white and her dad used to be very, very racist. Now the two families are so close and it's beautiful and I"m blessed to be a part of it just by friend association. But to answer your question, I really do not see how an abortion could bring a couple closer together. I'm not one to say it would wreck every relationship and it's impossible to move on from if you're both on the same page and super pro-choice, but honestly expecting it to strengthen a relationship is a bit morbid.

[Gaeta]

Did you and the person you were dating decide to keep the baby despite the relationship being young? If so, how did that end up working out for your relationship in the long term?

 

My very good childhood friend got pregnant at 16 and her boyfriend was 18 (dating 4-6 months). They went against their parents and he enlisted in the army to support them and they moved in together. They had their daughter they were both still kids themselves. They have been together 30 years now and had a boy after their daughter.

 

I don't know why but I think there are more happy stories with keeping the child than with abortion. I think there is a shame, a regret and an emotional distress that comes with abortion that makes it hard on relationships.

[heavenonearth]

I'm not one to say it would wreck every relationship and it's impossible to move on from if you're both on the same page and super pro-choice, but honestly expecting it to strengthen a relationship is a bit morbid.

 

Why would you think it is morbid? After all, it is a medical procedure that the woman is going through, during and after she will need support of her partner.

And the emotional impact is obviously felt by both, so it may be a time during which they can find comfort in each other; it may be a test for what’s to come.

 

I realize anti-abortion people wouldn’t agree, but from a neutral point of view, would it really damage a relationship if both are on the same page and both love each other?

[Highndry]

Why would you think it is morbid? After all, it is a medical procedure that the woman is going through, during and after she will need support of her partner.

And the emotional impact is obviously felt by both, so it may be a time during which they can find comfort in each other; it may be a test for what’s to come.

 

I realize anti-abortion people wouldn’t agree, but from a neutral point of view, would it really damage a relationship if both are on the same page and both love each other?

 

The way I view it, if a couple decides to have an abortion it's likely a signal that the relationship is not strong, for a number of possible reasons, because most often if it is they go ahead and have the child.

 

I can imagine being down and depressed after an abortion, and I'm not even a woman. The "what-ifs" and such could be tough, and any negative emotions from either party are going to place strain on a relationship, so I have to agree that I do not see this as strengthening a relationship in the least, but actually burdening it.

[heavenonearth]

The way I view it, if a couple decides to have an abortion it's likely a signal that the relationship is not strong, for a number of possible reasons, because most often if it is they go ahead and have the child.

 

I can imagine being down and depressed after an abortion, and I'm not even a woman. The "what-ifs" and such could be tough, and any negative emotions from either party are going to place strain on a relationship, so I have to agree that I do not see this as strengthening a relationship in the least, but actually burdening it.

 

Why would it indicate that the relationship is not strong?

 

If two people love each other and are only dating for a few months, they both decide they are not ready as a couple to focus on a third person and instead want to focus on each other - both make that decision together - how does that not show of compatibility and strength!?

[Highndry]

Why would it indicate that the relationship is not strong?

 

If two people love each other and are only dating for a few months, they both decide they are not ready as a couple to focus on a third person and instead want to focus on each other - both make that decision together - how does that not show of compatibility and strength!?

 

I am pro-choice and believe women should be able do whatever they want. However, my own personal view is that abortion should be not used as birth control, and instead should only be a consideration in situations such as drug addiction and substance abuse, poverty, rape, incest, poor health, etc.

 

When it comes to sex, you "pay to play," and pregnancy is one of those risks. If a lot of the negatives I listed are not "in play," I think it's time to "pay" and have the baby and give it the best life it could possibly have.

 

Just my humble opinion.

 

I'd like to reiterate that I'm a man who's never even had kids, but when I started having sex I knew the risks, and was prepared to "man up" if there ever was a baby. I took appropriate precautions and that never happened, but I was always ready to support a child if that were to happen.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Highndry

[RecentChange]

I took appropriate precautions and that never happened.

 

I will say, as a man.... its hard for you to know that it never happened. I know numerous women who terminated pregnancies and the boy friends never knew.

 

There is so much societal shame etc involved, its often kept very very private. Shared with a mother, or a chosen confidant, but no one else.

[Gaeta]

And the emotional impact is obviously felt by both, so it may be a time during which they can find comfort in each other; it may be a test for what’s to come.

 

At the risk of sounding feminist or full of prejudice I will say the emotional impact of an abortion for a man is nowhere near what women experience. I don't agree with this *felt by both*. I think that is also why relationships break afterward.

[Highndry]

I will say, as a man.... its hard for you to know that it never happened. I know numerous women who terminated pregnancies and the boy friends never knew.

 

There is so much societal shame etc involved, its often kept very very private. Shared with a mother, or a chosen confidant, but no one else.

 

True. It would be very easy for a woman to hide it. Further, if a woman told me she was having an abortion whether I liked it or not I would say "hey, I wish you wouldn't, but it's your body and you do what you want to do."

[RecentChange]

At the risk of sounding feminist or full of prejudice I will say the emotional impact of an abortion for a man is nowhere near what women experience. I don't agree with this *felt by both*. I think that is also why relationships break afterward.

 

That depends entirely on the woman and her believes. For some the only emotional impact is relief.

 

Some relationships proceed just fine after an event like this - again, it's not something most talk about, so you may know couples that have had abortions... But you simply do not know that they had one.