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Is this a "thing" acceptable for a married person to do?


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In early January I participated in a clinic in my industry, and one of the clinic leaders lives and works elsewhere in the state and we developed a nice professional rapport through the course of the day. We exchanged cards at the day's end, and a few weeks ago when he was in my area again, he invited me to meet him for a drink. As he is higher up in our industry than I am, I wasn't quite sure whether this meeting was a "mentorship" kind of thing, or a date, or just something that didn't need to be defined and I went with no specific expectations.

 

Anyway, we had a long and lovely evening; he insisted on paying for our drinks and apps; we talked about a range of things, nothing deeply personal, just two people getting to know each other. He texted me the next day to say he had a great time and he'd contact me again the next time he was in town.

 

I just friended him on Facebook and discovered he has a wife and son, neither of whom he mentioned ONCE either during our clinic or our evening out. Not a single mention. On the other hand, he never came out and said he was single, but the vibe he gave off was that he very much was.

 

So now I'm a bit confused, and annoyed. It just seems if his intentions were innocent, wouldn't he have at least dropped one time that he was married and a dad? What was he doing out with me? I feel misled and then I'm wondering: is this kind of thing acceptable for a married person to do? My instinct is, "No." Right? All I know is that when I have been in a relationship and I socialize with someone of the opposite sex, I am always careful to drop a casual mention of "my boyfriend this or that" so that the guy doesn't get the wrong idea. :confused:

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At this point, he hasn't really done anything truly inappropriate.

 

But, that doesn't mean that his behavior has been entirely respectable... I would suggest that you be very careful if you see him again. It's good that you did your research and have a clear set of boundaries... You won't allow yourself to be used or put into an inappropriate situation.

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I would suggest that you be very careful if you see him again.

 

Oh, no way will I see him again. In a group, sure...but not one on one. Do I say anything to him about this if he asks me out again, is the question. I feel like I was manipulated by his omission to be a participant in something in which I want no part. I'm embarrassed that I even ended up out with him in the first place, though I can't help what I didn't know at the time.

 

It's also weird then that he accepted my friend request given then I'd see he has a wife and kid.

 

Is there no way he had decent intentions? Again, my instinct says, "No." He deliberately hid the fact that he is a husband and father.

 

What an a-hole. :sick:

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You can't help what you don't know, so there is no reason to be embarrassed. Also no reason to be embarrassed because it was only drinks with a "friend," nothing inappropriate happened.

 

I wouldn't say anything unless he pursued it again. Then, you can be honest and tell him that you know he's married and has a child... For all you know, he may be separated. It's possible. Still, it's a good plan to keep your distance.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Oh, no way will I see him again. In a group, sure...but not one on one. Do I say anything to him about this if he asks me out again, is the question. I feel like I was manipulated by his omission to be a participant in something in which I want no part. I'm embarrassed that I even ended up out with him in the first place, though I can't help what I didn't know at the time.

 

It's also weird then that he accepted my friend request given then I'd see he has a wife and kid.

 

Is there no way he had decent intentions? Again, my instinct says, "No." He deliberately hid the fact that he is a husband and father.

 

What an a-hole. :sick:

 

You can set clear boundaries if he does ask you again, and make it sound like it is totally your idea if you want to avoid any awkwardness.

 

It's perfectly OK to be a woman of integrity and tell a man that now that you know he's married you don't feel comfortable meeting him alone because of what it could "look like." You can leave it at that.

 

As an example (that isn't totally the same), a few years ago I started conversing with a male friend of mine on Facebook a lot about jogging/running (he had lost over 100 pounds by becoming a runner). I was basically asking his advice about starting running as an older adult and we ended up taking the conversation to private message. There was absolutely NO romantic anything between the two of us. He is a friend of mine from high school and college (we went to the same college). But, he's married, and his wife didn't know me from Adam. So I sent her a message on Facebook, and a friend request too. I told her that in the interest of transparency I was talking to her husband about running and I'd be interested in getting to know her and hear her tips too and I would not want her to think I was messaging him for any other reason. She really appreciated me reaching out and we are also now friends on Facebook. (Haven't met her in person.....or seen my friend since college)

 

I'm not suggesting you take things this far, but I've been cheated on, and I would never want another woman to get the wrong idea about my interaction with HER husband (or get an innocent man in any kind of trouble for messaging me). So I'd never be meeting with him in private, messaging him in private, etc.

 

If I'm going to be meeting or messaging any married man about "personal" (not business) things in any fashion, his wife is going to know about it, too.

Edited by CautiouslyOptimistic
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It was inappropriate and a betrayal to his wife not to mention her...let alone go out for drinks with you solo. He has dishonored himself and his wife. After being married 22 yrs., I would never in a million years disrespect my wife and go out alone with a female colleague, underling, coworker, peer, prote'ge', friend...whatever. This guy is bad news, and is trying to get a lot more than your trust and respect out of you.

Edited by standtall
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Question...if he never gave off a vibe or never got personal with the conversation then why would it be important to mention his private life? Did you mention you were single or talk about why you and your last boyfriend broke up? It was a business meeting, I believe at some point you gained some romantic interest and now somewhat disappointed to find he is married.

 

Next question...Why would you want to confront him? This may come off looking really bad for you, especially if he truly had no interest in you outside of getting acquainted.

 

I think it's best you just let it go unless he get inappropriate at some point.

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Question...if he never gave off a vibe or never got personal with the conversation then why would it be important to mention his private life? Did you mention you were single or talk about why you and your last boyfriend broke up? It was a business meeting, I believe at some point you gained some romantic interest and now somewhat disappointed to find he is married.

 

Next question...Why would you want to confront him? This may come off looking really bad for you, especially if he truly had no interest in you outside of getting acquainted.

 

I think it's best you just let it go unless he get inappropriate at some point.

 

All I can say is that I have the distinct sense that if during the clinic where I met him I had ever mentioned a boyfriend in the picture, he'd not have invited me out for a drink.

 

When I say the conversation was not deeply "personal," I mean there wasn't talk about deep feelings and such. There was plenty of open space in the conversation for him to simply say, "Oh, my wife and I love that show," or, "My son ____."

 

No, I'm not romantically interested in him. I was just open to meeting with him because yes, I'm single and try not to pre-judge or to have to define things if someone seems nice, smart and interesting. If I'm disappointed to discover he has a wife and son, it's because I feel his failure to mention them was inherently dishonest, vague, and misleading.

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It would be respectful if he has mentioned his wife in your conversations. On the other hand, he did accept your friend request right away, knowing you can see he’s married on there. Did he flirt with you? Was he very attentive to you?

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All I can say is that I have the distinct sense that if during the clinic where I met him I had ever mentioned a boyfriend in the picture, he'd not have invited me out for a drink.

 

When I say the conversation was not deeply "personal," I mean there wasn't talk about deep feelings and such. There was plenty of open space in the conversation for him to simply say, "Oh, my wife and I love that show," or, "My son ____."

 

No, I'm not romantically interested in him. I was just open to meeting with him because yes, I'm single and try not to pre-judge or to have to define things if someone seems nice, smart and interesting. If I'm disappointed to discover he has a wife and son, it's because I feel his failure to mention them was inherently dishonest, vague, and misleading.

 

I don't actually hire anyone, but since I'm ultimately responsible for everyone in the building I do make it a point to spend one on one time with all potential candidates. Sometimes it's in after hour or weekend settings. Sometimes spouses and kids come up, but honestly, most often they don't.

 

OP I think you are assuming alot, like the pervious poster said were he being dishonest then it's unlikely he would have accepted you on Facebook.

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While you may not have been sure what this was and innocent business mentoring drink or a date, he was sure it was professional only. Having a drink with a colleague in a public place & talking about work is perfectly legitimate. Your confusion about his intentions does not make him a cheater. Even during a getting to know you conversation about work there was no need for him to mention his wife & kids.

 

However, if he wasn't wearing a wedding ring, things get dicey.

 

I would not raise the issue of his marital status with him directly and certainly not bring it up first if you see him at an industry event. Talk about work. Learn what you can from him.

 

If he asks you to meet one on one again, ask him if this is the type of place his wife would like & express interest in meeting her if you are ever in his area. If everything is above board he'll launch into how much she would like you & he'll be enthusiastic about introducing you. If he blanches, well then you know he had impure motives.

Edited by d0nnivain
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I guess I feel like people who are purely "professional" know that whenever you meet one on one with a member of the opposite sex, it's wise to mention a wife or partner early on so as to disabuse the other person of any other, non-professional intentions.

 

Like I said, you don't have to be in some deep personal conversation to drop a casual mention of a spouse. If he had, I'd have gone about the whole evening in an entirely different way. Not that I flirted with him or dressed provocatively or anything, but I don't need a "work buddy," I need a mentor and he is far more advanced and experienced in this industry than I am and I'd have just sat there and picked his brain all evening if I'd been clear that he was meeting with me to provide mentoring.

 

Again, I just feel like if all of his intentions were above board, he'd have been sure to mention a wife to ensure I had no wrong assumptions. To me, that is simple professional etiquette, as well as insurance of the professional relationship. Too many times I have met with men thinking it was purely professional, only to find that they had no interest in that and just wanted to see if they could ultimately get into my pants.

 

Our industry is not corporate, and so boundaries are even less clear as the hierarchies are not as set. There's another person at his level who constantly asks me out, and so I have to be sure never to meet one on one with him so as not to lead him on.

 

I think I made the assumptions that the situation fairly would lead one to make. I had no romantic interest in him before our drink, or after, but yes, I did see our drink as a "date."

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I am happily married & work in a male dominated profession. I have consumed may drinks & a few meals (usually lunch) one on one with male colleagues without anybody mentioning our spouses. Even before I was married I socialized with married colleagues in all above board encounters. The talk is almost always about work with maybe a little current events thrown in (did you see the Olympics last night? nothing too personal.) I have never so much as wondered whether those encounters were dates because they never were.

 

I think what has you so upset is that you thought this was a date.

 

You are not obligated to even talk to this guy ever again but I certainly would caution you against confronting him about your perceptions about the encounter. If you avoid him, no harm no foul on your end. If you bring it up & he's horrified that you even thought that all you do is embarrass yourself. If you bring it up & he was looking to cheat on his wife, he's slick enough to make this all your fault.

 

I just don't want to see you lose the opportunity for a mentor but I think you already have because you no longer respect this man since you think he's sleazy now.

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I guess I feel like people who are purely "professional" know that whenever you meet one on one with a member of the opposite sex, it's wise to mention a wife or partner early on so as to disabuse the other person of any other, non-professional intentions.

 

Again, I just feel like if all of his intentions were above board, he'd have been sure to mention a wife to ensure I had no wrong assumptions. To me, that is simple professional etiquette, as well as insurance of the professional relationship.

 

You must understand, that is an assumption that you are making. Not everyone thinks as you do.

 

I defer to your experience of this meeting and your understanding of your industry...

 

But, I will say that I believe it is very possible for a man and woman to have a "professional meeting" and keep things professional. If you are talking about work, there may not be a need to discuss personal things like family.

 

He did nothing during the meeting that would be considered "unprofessional." You are suspicious of his "intentions," and rightfully so... But, to assume that he had inappropriate intentions because he failed to mention his family is a huge assumption to make.

Edited by BaileyB
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CautiouslyOptimistic

I think I made the assumptions that the situation fairly would lead one to make.

 

And intuition counts for a lot. You sound like a smart and perceptive lady. A woman usually can tell when someones interested in them more than professionally. In my previous job I worked closely with a man who didn't work AT my place of employment, but as part of my job we worked closely together. He was always so friendly and warm to me, always lit up when he saw me, made an effort to do so, etc. I always enjoyed him a lot too. It confused me a bit because he was 20 years older than me and had recently gotten married, but I did think, "If I didn't know better I'd think this man has a crush on me...." Sure enough, after I gave my 4 weeks notice that I was leaving, and before I actually left, he called me one day and confessed his feelings! "I've always enjoyed working with you so much and I wanted to let you know that if I'd met you a few years earlier I'd have loved to have gotten to know you better...." (Awkwardly, a few months after that my kids and I ran into him and his wife while we were hiking).

 

Like I said, intuition counts for a lot. Trust your gut on this one, OP.

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littleblackheart

It's difficult to know this man's true intentions when he gave no indication that your meeting was anything but professional, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge your own feelings.

 

If you're not comfortable with the situation yourself (even without clear cause, and regardless of his actual intentions, which may be totally kosher), don't engage with him any further until you personally feel fine in his presence.

 

I agree with d0nnivain that it may not be wise to confront him head on as this could be potentially embarrassing for your both.

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It’s totally up to you whether you want to continue to engage with him. It might be a little odd to cut him off out of the blue. Would it be possible to meet for coffee instead of drinks? You can make the conversation 100% professional, while mentioning his family in passing (your son must be texting you alot now that only mommy is with him).

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salparadise
I have consumed may drinks & a few meals (usually lunch) one on one with male colleagues without anybody mentioning our spouses.

 

I think what has you so upset is that you thought this was a date.

 

^ Yup, this is pretty much it. The indignation is due to contextual differences. You were interested in the guy... which is why you took the initiative to connect on facebook, and then were peeved to find out that he wasn't available.

 

If you had been either neutral or decidedly disinterested (as he probably was) his marital status wouldn't make a bit of difference, and certainly wouldn't elicit the response you're exhibiting here.

 

So my question is, why do you believe it was more incumbent on him to volunteer that information than for you to ask? People ask that question all the time in casual conversation. You're projecting.

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Like I said, intuition counts for a lot. Trust your gut on this one, OP.

 

I tend to think that the reason the OP has made it such a big deal was that her intuition was not quite right this time. Her intuition guided her to believe that this was supposed to be a date, and she was hugely embarrassed when she learned that it was in fact not.

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^ Yup, this is pretty much it. The indignation is due to contextual differences. You were interested in the guy... which is why you took the initiative to connect on facebook, and then were peeved to find out that he wasn't available.

 

If you had been either neutral or decidedly disinterested (as he probably was) his marital status wouldn't make a bit of difference, and certainly wouldn't elicit the response you're exhibiting here.

 

So my question is, why do you believe it was more incumbent on him to volunteer that information than for you to ask? People ask that question all the time in casual conversation. You're projecting.

 

As I've said several times, I wasn't interested. I thought he was nice, I could tell we made a connection at our clinic, and I'm practicing being open-minded and not defining everything at the offset. I went for a drink with him knowing that professionally, there is a power differential, but not quite in the same way as in a corporate industry. The rules are more lax. I figured I'd meet him for a drink, and if there was any romantic connection, I'd be open to another date, but if there was not, then I'd have an industry connection that might help me get a leg up.

 

I am upset not because he's not available romantically, but because most of my career I've met one on one with men as well as women at work expecting always a purely professional purpose, yet finding myself time and again in a sticky situation where the other person has non-professional intentions--either wanting to be my friend when I really just want a mentor, or wanting a romantic liaison with me and not giving a whit about my professional qualifications. So this time I went into things with--I thought--my eyes wide open.

 

Donnivain is right: since I really can't tell what his purpose was in meeting with me, I have lost all desire to look to him for mentorship--particularly, as well, since I have come to know I have excellent instincts, and my instincts told me he WAS interested, was happy for me to think of this as a date, and it suited his purposes for it to be a bit vague what we were doing meeting for a drink. It's the vibe I got and I'm certainly self-aware enough to know when I'm "projecting," and when I am clearly picking up something from the other person.

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BettyDraper

I think this man found you attractive and he's testing the waters for an affair.

He just used the professional angle as a convenient excuse.

I'm glad that you're going to stay away from him.

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I tend to think that the reason the OP has made it such a big deal was that her intuition was not quite right this time. Her intuition guided her to believe that this was supposed to be a date, and she was hugely embarrassed when she learned that it was in fact not.

 

Exactly. I thought I was finally getting smart about these kinds of situations. :confused:

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I think this man found you attractive and he's testing the waters for an affair.

He just used the professional angle as a convenient excuse.

I'm glad that you're going to stay away from him.

 

Or maybe not so far or so explicitly as an "affair," but certainly enjoying the more relaxed boundaries not making clear his intentions were purely professional afforded him. That's something I was curious about at the offset that made me start this thread: is this something married people do from time to time, just to prove to themselves that they still "have it"? Ask someone single out for a drink, not say anything about being married or having a partner, and just toying with the possibilities in their imagination with no intention of actually acting on them, then coming home vitiated by the knowledge that they could still play the field if they were single.

 

All I know is that if I were not single, I'd have made sure he knew I had a boyfriend or husband before agreeing to meet him for a drink. But as someone pointed out, that's only what *I* would do.

 

Next time, I'm going to do more internet sleuthing on the person so I have more idea what I'm getting into before I meet with someone.

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