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Why men cheat


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Shmuley Boteach gives an interesting talk.

 

He says men have affairs not for the sex, but for the affirmation. As there's so much pressure to be successful, men are often left feeling as failures.

 

He also uses architecture as an analogy to explain this.

 

Unfortunately, if the man thinks of himself as a "zero", then by extension his wife is as well. :(

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God bless him. He's got quite the uphill battle with his "Kosher Lust" theory - that the passion, the lust for each other doesn't have to die as a marriage ages and people stay in it for the partnership, not the lust, when the key to the most successful and happy marriages IS the lust. It's a beautiful idea, but sadly not the reality for 99.9999999% of everybody who ever got married ever.

 

Still pondering over what he said about MM having affairs in order to obtain affirmation. My takeaway from it: Men's drive to be SIGNIFICANT, to be "somebody", is apparently the strongest drive they have - and clearly they'll ignore all rationality and common sense to fulfill it.

 

Is the Rabbi right? Do most American men really feel like losers?

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Thank you Ocean for the link.

 

I am a xMW xOW. It's been five years since the start of my affair and three years since last contact with xMM.

 

In all this time, especially since it was all over, I have peeled my skin over and destroyed myself over and over again every waking second trying to look for answers about WHY--why he did what he did. I know the answers to why I engaged in it, but no answers about his behaviors seemed satisfactory enough. I have let go of him--there is not a single drop of any emotion or respect left in my heart for him, but letting go of the anger has not happened yet. Despite extended therapy, despite suicide attempts, despite walking away from my home state and starting life over in another part of the country without another human being in my life--I have managed all of it alone, but I still can't let go of my anger towards him.

 

In silence, I have dealt with it all, all this time. Even in this site, since I joined two a half years ago, I have never put my story up--I have shared bits and pieces in response to other people's posts, but never told "my" story. And to this day, I am unable to handle dealing with the ugly details of what went on.

 

Of all the answers I have ever heard, what's suggested in this video is the closest explantation that makes sense to me.

 

It doesn't take away my anger, if anything, it only fuels it farther--but still it's an answer.

 

Yes, he felt ignored and less than significant and important by his wife and that's what he sought and gained from me: affirmation. I always hear the term "ego boost", but that somehow never fully describes his behavior. But he felt important, intelligent, appreciated, and wanted by engaging in the affair with me. And that's what it was all about the whole time. Once that need was filled, it was time to "work on marriage" to be a good husband again.

 

And in that sense, I was far, far, far less than a prostitute to him. At least in using a prostitute, you clearly define the role of each party--there is no delusion and deception involved.

 

Thank you for sharing the link.

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Happy Lemming

Personally, I've never committed adultery, because I've never been married...

 

That being said, I have had sex with other women while in a committed relationship.

 

If the woman I am in a relationship with starts using sex as a weapon, using it to manipulate me, forces me to spend money on something I don't wish to buy or do, or uses sex as a bargaining chip; I'm going to seek company elsewhere. And after I've established a sexual relationship with someone new, I'm going to dump the first woman and tell her why she is getting the boot.

 

If a woman is taking good care of me on a regular basis, I will not stray.

 

I know this is a controversial statement, but I'm being truthful.

 

I won't be forced into doing something I don't want to do for the sake of getting sex.

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So men cheat for the same reason women do?

 

Most women cheat due to being neglected emotionally and physically

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littleblackheart

You can psychoanalyse this until the cows come home, but men (and women) will cheat down to a combination of opportunity and a good dose of entitlement.

 

There's no divine law that says the path to affirmation or fulfillment is to be unfaithful; you can always just leave your spouse (not easy but still a lot easier than lying every day).

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Don't buy it , l'm a male and they cheat for all the same reasons women cheat.

Lots of different reasons from excitement to a new body to emotional needs wifey ignores, to she's let herself go to you name it, can't talk to w, bored at home , on and on.

Temptation , is one of the biggest though imo, it's everywhere it gets damn hard walking away from that everyday.

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somanymistakes
So men cheat for the same reason women do?

 

We're all the same kind of animal in the end.

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I will add to this echo chamber that men and women aren’t much different regarding cheating.

 

The common thing we hear being that men are hornier and cheat for sex when they get the opportunity whereas women cheat for being emotionally neglected. I think in both case you can reverse the roles.

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bathtub-row

The truth is, I don’t think we, as humans, are designed for monogamy. But in the interest of family, the reality of contracting diseases, history, hurting others, etc, we’ve established these parameters that quite often don’t work in practice. If we could all be good boys and girls, being faithful would be best for everyone. We just can’t seem to pull it off.

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bathtub-row
Personally, I've never committed adultery, because I've never been married...

 

That being said, I have had sex with other women while in a committed relationship.

 

If the woman I am in a relationship with starts using sex as a weapon, using it to manipulate me, forces me to spend money on something I don't wish to buy or do, or uses sex as a bargaining chip; I'm going to seek company elsewhere. And after I've established a sexual relationship with someone new, I'm going to dump the first woman and tell her why she is getting the boot.

 

If a woman is taking good care of me on a regular basis, I will not stray.

 

I know this is a controversial statement, but I'm being truthful.

 

I won't be forced into doing something I don't want to do for the sake of getting sex.

 

It may be controversial but it’s completely self-preserving, healthy, and makes complete sense. How many people stay and stay, afraid of being judged, want to talk about the problems until the cows come home, waste years of their lives on people who treat them badly? The only thing I’d suggest is that you not cheat and just leave.

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Interesting, but I don't buy it...

 

I think a lot of good points have been made already, but here is my two cents.

 

Men and women cheat for a variety of reasons.

 

I think that M&W both cheat because of neglect, both physical and emotional.

 

I think M&W cheat because they want out. Exit affair.

 

I think M&W cheat because they feel entitled for whatever reason.

 

I think, like the article says, M&W cheat to feel better about themselves. So I guess that would be affirmation.

 

I think M&W cheat because they can. Probably think, oh one little taste won't hurt anyone.

 

I think M&W cheat for sex. Which probably plays in to some of the above.

 

I think everyone cheats for a host of reasons.

 

I also think we may never fully understand why people cheat.

 

For me, at this age, with what I have learned... I would never cheat, again.

 

I have learned what a healthy relationship is? I know what they feel like, and that is what I want.

 

If a relationship is not good, strong, loving, and healthy, I am out.

 

So with newest, and I really hope last, GF... This is a great relationship. She is beautiful, sexy, loving, as affectionate as I am, and I could just go on and on.

 

She loves me for me, and I her, which is kind of the way it should be. Sexually we wear each other out, literally. I actually have to go home to get some rest. We long for each other when we are apart. (Can't move in together yet because of work locations and what not.)

 

So in this type of relationship, I have no possible reason to cheat.

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Happy Lemming

She loves me for me, and I her, which is kind of the way it should be. Sexually we wear each other out, literally.

 

So in this type of relationship, I have no possible reason to cheat.

 

This is 100% exactly correct!! Couldn't agree more!!

 

If you are getting filet mignon at home, why would you go out for bologna...

 

The fact that your girlfriend takes really good care of you, so you have no reason to stray.

 

Its when a woman starts withholding sex as a form of negotiation, that is when I will get my needs fulfilled elsewhere.

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This is only another theory.

 

Lust fades... it just does... most people I would say, are secretly unhappy in their marriages but won't leave because of the security... financial, nest all built, etc. Too afraid to start over with someone new. But really... the attraction fades. And what's left is something more stifling. That's the only thing he said I agree with... that marriage becomes like something of a prison.

 

Women also cheat for affirmation. Whether they're neglected or not they cheat for affirmation as well. Trying to split the sexes into two camps doesn't work. We're all human beings. We generally all do things for the same reason.

 

I don't believe people are monogamous by nature... everyone is miserable, depressed, angry, resentful, etc. etc.... because they're trying to be something they're not. Trying to 'be something for the world' to quote Jim Carrey, and something inside them is saying 'eff you, I really don't want to live this way, whether it's marriage or some other situation they're trying to stick themselves with.

 

Some people can stay together forever but they are the rare few... they say the more intelligent you are the more likely you are to remain monogamous... but there's very few intelligent people in the world.

 

Anyway... it's all theories, isn't it. No one has the answer for anything, because there IS no ONE answer to anything.

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Happy Lemming

That's the only thing he said I agree with... that marriage becomes like something of a prison.

 

I don't believe people are monogamous by nature... everyone is miserable, depressed, angry, resentful, etc. etc.....

 

 

Not everyone is miserable, depressed, angry or resentful...

 

I stayed single all of my life and have no regrets. My life has been a BLAST!! And it ain't over yet.

 

Stay Single, Stay Happy!!

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Just comes down to your needs really. I've always known how great I am, don't need other people to reinforce that for me, so on the rare times I'm out of town and she's not next to me, or that I'm sleeping on the couch for not handling something as well as I could, I'm not thinking about anyone else. It's always her.

 

Now if you're one of those people that needs constant validation (weak) then it makes a lot more sense. Or you just like to bang a lot of people. :confused: It feels quite satisfying for me though to have one incredible woman who I love with my mind, body and soul. I'm built for her.

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People cheat for all sorts of reasons, and trying to find one unified theory that explains it for most is like chasing a unicorn.

 

The reasons range from entitlement to boredom to poor boundaries, and in the end, none of them negate the painfulness of the situation for all sides. The spouse who didn't cheat feels betrayed terrible, the ow/om may well feel like they've been lied to and the ws can well end up feeling like they've betrayed themslves.

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People cheat for all sorts of reasons, and trying to find one unified theory that explains it for most is like chasing a unicorn.

 

The reasons range from entitlement to boredom to poor boundaries, and in the end, none of them negate the painfulness of the situation for all sides.

 

Maybe not, but understanding the reasons why a man cheats can help a woman get a grip on the pain, to help her move beyond it. Hence this thread. I see a lot of value in seeking to understand the reasons. It's an important step in the recovery process.

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Maybe not, but understanding the reasons why a man cheats can help a woman get a grip on the pain, to help her move beyond it. Hence this thread. I see a lot of value in seeking to understand the reasons. It's an important step in the recovery process.

 

I said nothing about seeking reasons on an individual level. It makes sense to do so.

 

What doesn't make sense to me is trying to find a "one size fits all" reason. How does that help anyone?

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I am like this. I can't imagine having a great gal and cheating on her. The reason is that we will be very affectionate with each other. If there is no affection. It will be addressed and corrected on both sides, or we will amicably split. I at almost 47 in a couple of days. Will not have a romantic relationship with a women and no affection. Not going to happen.

 

That does not mean it has to be sex everyday. But basic small kissing and making out not a thing between us. Never.

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The id ties up the superego, stuffs it in the closet and goes on a self-involved binge.

 

For the guys out there who've had affairs, cheating or not, was your spouse/partner on your mind at all while immersed in that? Or was that box put away and out of mind? How and why that process exists goes a long way to understanding men and affairs. If never having had an affair or being unfaithful, still possible to understand. Think about any time you've lied to or deceived your spouse or partner, going way back to the first instances of mating-driven interactions. What was on your mind? How did the partner/spouse fit into that? Generally, watch carefully those humans who state they've never lied to nor deceived anyone they've loved. That's an interesting process in itself. Psychologists love that stuff. Speaking of that, for those guys who've had affairs, how did examining that affair in psychological counseling go? ;) You know, getting at those reasons.....

 

I'll offer an alternative to the rabbi.... men cheat because they are, freely, being who they really are at that moment. Does that moment define their entire existence? Opinion varies widely. Examine those we know personally who've either admitted to or had affairs exposed. How do some survive and others are destroyed in the social eye of judgment? Why is that? Interesting.

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