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Partner never apologizes


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lostanddestroyed

I'm writting this guessing the type of responses I'll get. But I just need to let it out somewhere. I don't want to talk to my friends about private issues like this and I only get to talk to my therapist once a week...

 

Ok when my SO and I get into arguments, I'm always quick to apologize for my part. Maybe a little too quick. She, however, RARELY offer's an apology, and when she does it's not a direct apology for her behavior/action. It's more like "I'm sorry that upset you" kind of apology. Telling me "it's true".

 

Recently she said "you are a sorry excuse of a man" "You are a piece of ****". I know she was hurt when she said it, so I didn't get angry or say anything hurtful back. I tried bringing it up later that day after things had cooled off and she said "That's my cue to peace out" and she left me hanging ignoring my following texts. When she finally came back she said I was too needy for her and "Sorry not sorry. I'm going back to netflix". I think I apologized for being needy after that lol. I just wanted to smooth out the convo and not have her ignore me more. I feel so resentful afterward. I hate myself for not having boundaries. But I feel she'll walk away from me to easily if I put up a fight.

 

How the hell do I handle this? It really bothers me and hurts me deeply. We are both in our 30s.

Edited by lostanddestroyed
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That sounds really awful. You can't let anyone talk to you that way. I can't imagine calling someone I love a piece of **** and blowing off their concerns that way. I really don't think you can ever be truly happy with someone who treats you like that.

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She treats you exactly how you are allowing her to treat you. Badly! She is a grown woman, but her comments remind me of things I see with teenagers. You may love her, but you really should learn to love yourself more. It might be time to reevaluate what you want in a relationship, and find a woman who is mature enough to be in the one you want with you. JMO

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I'll tell you how to handle it...

 

You ghost her and never talk to her again. How could you allow anyone to talk to you that way?

 

You need to turn in your man card, first thing today.

 

Do you feel like you could never, ever get another woman than this woman?

 

That is just so sad...

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How the hell do I handle this?

You tell her that you will not be treated like this any more and that you don't feel your relationship is a good, happy one and that you'd rather not be with her any more. And then you never speak to her again.

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I'm with those who are telling you to walk away. Frankly, short of me having cheated or done something equally vile, I wouldn't give someone a second chance after those comments even if they apologised.

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People treat you the way you allow them to. You dont ask for respect, you demand it. Ive been with my SO for almost 25 and never, not one time, have we called each other bad names or POS..not one time. No matter how bad our disagreements, we still respect each other.

 

She wont respect you if you dont respect yourself. And you dont. If you think she will walk if you stick up for yourself, what do you have? Sounds like nothing.

 

The way she is treating you, she has no respect for you. And stop doing things you have to apologize for. And mean what you say. Next time she talks crap like that, tell her that will be the last time she does that. And leave (or hang up, whatever). And dont come back until she does apologize.

 

If she doesnt, you have lost nothing. Believe me. Without respect, relationships will never last.

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Yeah sorry man but you did know what you were gonna get here.

l dunno why you even texted her back that day let alone start apologizing again later.

You should've left her alone for a few days for starters.

l noticed in other things there you try to settle it too soon too. She's not ready and doesn't respect you being the one to approach her all the time needing it all patched up.

 

l mean really , in all the things others have talked about is what's needed but at the very least , let her work a bit for it too and if that takes her all day or a few days , so be it.

And stop bloody apologizing to btw.

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I am flabbergasted that she is in her 30's. As I read I imagined a 17 year old, 19 tops - a self centered and rude one at that.

 

But this is a grown woman? Sr, cut your losses and ask your therapist why you would let some one treat you like that and then come back for more.

 

Is she really hot or something? Some men will put up with some real BS because "she's hot".

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Michelle ma Belle

Honestly, my teenage boys behave more maturely in their relationships than this woman does in her thirties. Good Lawd.

 

I'm with the crowd who says you've basically created a monster by allowing her to treat you the way she has without any consequence.

 

You've been rewarding bad behavior instead of taking a stand for what should be common sense and common decency particularly in a 'loving' relationship.

 

Time to grab your balls out of her purse and reattach them. The writing is on the wall with this woman. Don't you think you deserve better?

 

Anyone who even had a mere thought to disrespect me like this would have their a$$ handed to them on a silver platter.

 

When you learn how much your worth, you stop giving discounts.

 

Time to ditch this...well...you know what rhymes with ditch :p

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lostanddestroyed

Yes, she's extremely attractive. She's 30, I'm 32. We've been together 2.5 years. She just built up resentment for me. To be fair to her, I let her down 2 years ago when she got pregnant and I didn't want it. I withdrew myself emotionally and she felt alone. We went through with terminating the pregnancy and things just never recovered fully. I love her to death and I regret that I wasn't there for her as the man I should have been. It was early in the relationship and I was a coward.

 

When she's in a good mood, she is the most loving thing ever and everything feels so good. But when we get into an argument, she'll often bring the pregnancy up and how I wasn't there for her. This triggers her deeply and the argument can escalate her into a rage quite easily.

 

After things cool off (after not talking for many hours later in the day), she is able to act normal again as if nothing happened. I'm left feeling horrible about myself for the words she used and I try to bring up what happened. She see's this as me being annoying and that "I need to learn to let things go". I just want to her apologize! But she doesn't feel like she's done anything wrong. What she say's is "true" and that "I should look at myself if she feels that way about me."

 

I let her talk to me like this because I know it's coming from pain that I caused. If I stop talking to her after she speaks to me like this I think she'll see me as not caring about her when she was in pain. I fear she'll go to another guy for comfort (she's done this in the past) and that would hurt me even more. So I have to be there and stick with it even if she says things that are hurtful when she's mad.

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Michelle ma Belle
Yes, she's extremely attractive. She's 30, I'm 32. We've been together 2.5 years. She just built up resentment for me. To be fair to her, I let her down 2 years ago when she got pregnant and I didn't want it. I withdrew myself emotionally and she felt alone. We went through with terminating the pregnancy and things just never recovered fully. I love her to death and I regret that I wasn't there for her as the man I should have been. It was early in the relationship and I was a coward.

 

When she's in a good mood, she is the most loving thing ever and everything feels so good. But when we get into an argument, she'll often bring the pregnancy up and how I wasn't there for her. This triggers her deeply and the argument can escalate her into a rage quite easily.

 

After things cool off (after not talking for many hours later in the day), she is able to act normal again as if nothing happened. I'm left feeling horrible about myself for the words she used and I try to bring up what happened. She see's this as me being annoying and that "I need to learn to let things go". I just want to her apologize! But she doesn't feel like she's done anything wrong. What she say's is "true" and that "I should look at myself if she feels that way about me."

 

I let her talk to me like this because I know it's coming from pain that I caused. If I stop talking to her after she speaks to me like this I fear she'll go to another guy for comfort (she's done this in the past) and that would hurt me even more. So I have to be there and stick with it even if she says things that are hurtful when she's mad.

 

Although I still think her behavior is unacceptable, you could have and should have opened with this. Context is everything after all. Can't effectively help you if we don't have some kind of back story.

 

It's clear she has a lot of pain she's having to deal with and even more resentment towards you obviously. It's also clear this won't fix itself. She needs to talk to someone about what she went through and help her deal with her emotions which are getting the best of her.

 

Not sure how open she is to seeing a therapist but I would strongly encourage her to do this if only for herself and her peace of mind. If you can both attend a session or two, that might be good too but only she and her therapist can make that decision.

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Both of you need to part ways to find peace.

 

You are a constant reminder of her abortion, she's in turmoil and lashing it out on you. You are accepting abuse out of guilt for what happened those couple of years ago. Don't you see you are both destroying each other? No one should live like this.

 

I understand you love her but loving someone sometimes means letting them go so they stop hurting.

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Yes, she's extremely attractive. She's 30, I'm 32. We've been together 2.5 years. She just built up resentment for me. To be fair to her, I let her down 2 years ago when she got pregnant and I didn't want it. I withdrew myself emotionally and she felt alone. We went through with terminating the pregnancy and things just never recovered fully. I love her to death and I regret that I wasn't there for her as the man I should have been. It was early in the relationship and I was a coward.

 

When she's in a good mood, she is the most loving thing ever and everything feels so good. But when we get into an argument, she'll often bring the pregnancy up and how I wasn't there for her. This triggers her deeply and the argument can escalate her into a rage quite easily.

 

After things cool off (after not talking for many hours later in the day), she is able to act normal again as if nothing happened. I'm left feeling horrible about myself for the words she used and I try to bring up what happened. She see's this as me being annoying and that "I need to learn to let things go". I just want to her apologize! But she doesn't feel like she's done anything wrong. What she say's is "true" and that "I should look at myself if she feels that way about me."

 

I let her talk to me like this because I know it's coming from pain that I caused. If I stop talking to her after she speaks to me like this I think she'll see me as not caring about her when she was in pain. I fear she'll go to another guy for comfort (she's done this in the past) and that would hurt me even more. So I have to be there and stick with it even if she says things that are hurtful when she's mad.

 

Yeah it would have been good to hear this first...

 

Having said that, you still need to turn in your man card.

 

You might be able to get it back after you split up with her.

 

And yes you were a creep for doing what you did when she was pregnant but that does not mean that she should talk to you this way.

 

In all seriousness, you need to split up. It is possible that she could get counseling and she MIGHT get better.

 

But the thing is that she resents you and she has ZREO respect for you, and when that happens it is almost impossible to get it back..

.

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To be fair to her, I let her down 2 years ago when she got pregnant and I didn't want it. I withdrew myself emotionally and she felt alone. We went through with terminating the pregnancy and things just never recovered fully.But when we get into an argument, she'll often bring the pregnancy up and how I wasn't there for her.

 

Ever read the book or see the move Sophie's Choice? I don't like 'taking the moral high ground' but I will this time. If you were not 'there for her', 'we' did not 'terminate the pregnancy'. She did. Alone, she murdered her child. Some people can shrug off abortion. But depending on a different person's values and morals, they may never get over that.

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normal person

Recently she said "you are a sorry excuse of a man" "You are a piece of ****".

 

When she finally came back she said I was too needy for her

 

If she thinks these things, why is she still with you? And if she says them to you, why are you still with her?

 

But I feel she'll walk away from me to easily if I put up a fight.

 

Honestly, that sounds like a perfect solution.

 

How the hell do I handle this?

 

Easy, just break up with her and then you won't have this problem.

 

I can't remember the last time a thread made me want to scream at my computer like this. Remember your other thread about how she blocks you when you fight, this sounds like an absolutely abhorrent relationship that no sensible person would want. I have no idea how you can even stand her, let alone be in a "relationship" with her.

 

You handle this by removing this horrible person from your life. If you refuse, you're just hurting yourself. There is no other way out and by assuming there might be, you're just wasting your own time and everyone else's. It's like you have a disease, absolutely refuse to take the treatment, but still wonder how you can be healthy. It doesn't work like that. Take the treatment; break up with the girl, or continue down the current path of suffering. She's shown her true colors, and they're horrible. There's no option where you can stay with her and be happy.

 

Break up with her, or stop complaining about how badly she treats you.

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I let her down 2 years ago when she got pregnant and I didn't want it.

 

Well there is about 98% of your problem with her today.

 

You both need to be in counseling as she never got passed the abortion and you haven't either..

 

In the end it's always going to boil down to you not wanting the baby.

 

Honestly.. you might want to rethink the relationship, someone that won't apologize can he very hard ti live with, they do nothing but carry resentment and pull stuff out of the air from the past.

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This may sound really hard, but that was her decision to make. You not wanting the baby had nothing to do with her decision. She could have easily kept it; women do it every single day. So she's lashing out at the wrong person. It was her decision. And she needs to stop making it like it was all your fault. You did what you needed to do at the time, and she did too. Time for you both to get over it and move the relationship forward....or dont. Its still toxic, and I dont see it getting better.

 

I stand by my post above, and you still sound like a weenie.

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100% agree with whodatdog. She's blaming you because it's too painful to acknowledge that she chose to end that pregnancy.

 

She holds contempt for you. You're incapable of or unwilling to set boundaries and respect yourself. The relationship has no future.

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Springsummer
This may sound really hard, but that was her decision to make. You not wanting the baby had nothing to do with her decision. She could have easily kept it; women do it every single day. So she's lashing out at the wrong person. It was her decision. And she needs to stop making it like it was all your fault. You did what you needed to do at the time, and she did too. Time for you both to get over it and move the relationship forward....or dont. Its still toxic, and I dont see it getting better.

 

I stand by my post above, and you still sound like a weenie.

 

 

SERIOUSLY?

 

I can only imagine how hard to bear a pregnancy alone and raise the child alone. easily? wow...her decision? seriously?

 

she didn't need to do it IF he was there for her.

 

here is an article for you to see how easily it's for a woman to carry a child:

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/feb/27/pregnancy-is-a-life-experience-id-rather-avoid-that-doesnt-mean-im-selfish?CMP=share_btn_fb

 

ask yourself if you are willing to pregnant for 10 months???!!! if not, then, why it is easy for woman? all men in the article said 'hell no'. maybe you are the 1 out of millions kind of exception?

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Springsummer

how much harder it's to have a child for a woman than for a man? for one, it is the woman who has to carry another human inside of her while man just does nothing.

 

and even that, a man still doesn't want to take the responsibitlies? it was him who made the woman pregnant after all.

 

I definitely agree with OP's SO assessment of OP...sorry to say that OP. but that's how I feel.

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