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Are friend zones that bad or just a way of getting to know somebody prior to intimacy


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With rare exceptions, it doesn't usually work. If you want a woman to have romantic feelings for you, most women know after five minutes of looking at you and talking to you face to face if there is any potential for that there or not. But then if you don't act on it and man up and be assertive about pursuing this direction, she is usually eventually just going to start seeing you as someone she's more comfortable just being a friend with, someone like a brother. Women mostly like confidence in guys. I mean, it's true men like confidence in women too, but it's not as crucial in the courting process as it is for guys.

 

I mean, you realize there's people all up and down the scale on this. Like I've met plenty of guys who came after me sexually and then called us "just friends" because they had no intention of commitment, I wasn't high on their priority list. Then there's guys who are clearly interested in seeing if you get along because they're attracted to you and it's obvious and they come right after you. This is what most women like best because it doesn't waste time and confidence is sexy.

 

Then there's guys who cling on but never make a move, get jealous even though they've never made a move, and then resent you when you just continue dating others because you have no earthly idea what they want. This just never goes anywhere because the woman usually has better options than to sit around and wonder and wait and get bored with you.

 

This doesn't mean you have to have sex, but you have to at least be physical and kissing romantically so that she has some inkling where this is headed. Less talk more action.

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I just looked at the poster's profile, and supposedly, this IS a woman, so I was unable to alter my post, but in a nutshell, most people aren't idle enough to wait at a standstill and puzzle what on earth someone wants out of this.

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IDK that it's awful but for some folks once a platonic aura is formed it is immutable. It's the same as viewing someone as a sibling or parent, etc. Certain feelings and inhibitions attach and for a person so wired it is that way forever.

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The friend zone is only bad if one person really wants a relationship and the other doesn't. Which is what happens most of the time, and exactly why it's so dreaded.

 

Usually if attraction doesn't happen within a few dates, it's not going to happen and that person will view the other more like a friend. Stereotypically it's the woman, but as a guy I feel that way about a lot of women who are now my close friends. I actually prefer being "friend zoned" as I know things won't get awkward given I'm already in a relationship!

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somanymistakes

There's no such thing as the 'friend zone' because it's a term used in different ways by different people. About the only thing the complaints have in common is that someone (almost always a man) is upset because someone else (almost always a woman) is not currently having sex with them. And yes, I say 'currently' because plenty of people whine about being 'friendzoned' by their exes, who they were previously sleeping with.

 

LOTS of people are friends before they are lovers. It happens ALL THE TIME. Many, many people would not dream of dating someone that they hadn't gotten to know as a friend first.

 

Yes, people do often size up very quickly whether they could ever possibly be attracted to someone in the future. That answer generally doesn't change based on a guy's "get in there fast" move. If you're not attracted to him, him making a faster move just means you reject him faster. Which, if he only wants to know whether you'll bang him or not, is good for him because it means he wastes less time pretending to be a friend when he's not a friend at all.

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I am genuinely confused as to why forming a friendship before intimacy is so terrible

 

is the friendzone so awful?

 

It's because being in the friendzone happens when the other person has zero romantic interest in you. As in "I see you as a friend. I don't have romantic interest in you"

 

The chances of intimacy following after being told that "you're just a friend" is very low.

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I was just talking to my housemate about this!

 

The real friendzone is bad because it means that there is no sexual attraction and NEVER WILL BE. This is torturous and cruel for the other person who does have sexual attraction to the "friend", not to mention it's a waste of time for him. He should be devoting his time and energy into someone who IS attracted to him.

 

If, on the other hand, the woman needs more time to emotionally connect with a guy she already finds physically attractive, this is something I can understand. Take for instance my housemate. She's 26 and had been OLD'ing. She is frustrated because she says she needs to talk with a guy for a while before she wants to meet up. This for her is the way she connects emotionally with a man and she has to connect emotionally before anything physical, even a kiss, is going to happen. But the guys online, they want to meet right away. So nothing ever happens. She never agrees to go out with the guys because they ask too soon, and the guys never get dates with her either. She has learned this from experience. She told me about a previous guy that she went out with who was physically attractive to her and had a good personality, but he tried to make a move (kiss) too soon for her (date 2) and she didn't feel like she had spent enough time talking and developing an emotional connection with him to do that, so she pulled away from his kiss, and of course everything went to sh*t after that. She said she liked him but needed more talking time. He moved too fast for her. Some women call this being friends first. I get that. Nowadays guys are unwilling to wait or go slow in OLD. I told my roommate to keep shutting them down in these events and doing what makes her feel comfortable. I guess no one will get what they want then, and that's just life.

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Fear not though, darkmoon. There are some guys who actually want to be in the friendzone. Hell, they even feel upset if you don't treat them as a friend first. They either like moving slow or like not making a move at all. You just have to find those guys. They do exist.

 

If you're doing OLD, these won't be the guys who are asking you out right away. They will be the guys who want to chat and write long messages back and forth for a long time.

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They will be the guys who want to chat and write long messages back and forth for a long time.

 

that gets old after a little while popsicle

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that gets old after a little while popsicle

 

Maybe for you, but not for them. They are of a different ilk.

(and this is coming from a non-chatter -me)

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I was just talking to my housemate about this!

 

The real friendzone is bad because it means that there is no sexual attraction and NEVER WILL BE. This is torturous and cruel for the other person who does have sexual attraction to the "friend", not to mention it's a waste of time for him. He should be devoting his time and energy into someone who IS attracted to him.

 

If, on the other hand, the woman needs more time to emotionally connect with a guy she already finds physically attractive, this is something I can understand. Take for instance my housemate. She's 26 and had been OLD'ing. She is frustrated because she says she needs to talk with a guy for a while before she wants to meet up. This for her is the way she connects emotionally with a man and she has to connect emotionally before anything physical, even a kiss, is going to happen. But the guys online, they want to meet right away. So nothing ever happens. She never agrees to go out with the guys because they ask too soon, and the guys never get dates with her either. She has learned this from experience. She told me about a previous guy that she went out with who was physically attractive to her and had a good personality, but he tried to make a move (kiss) too soon for her (date 2) and she didn't feel like she had spent enough time talking and developing an emotional connection with him to do that, so she pulled away from his kiss, and of course everything went to sh*t after that. She said she liked him but needed more talking time. He moved too fast for her. Some women call this being friends first. I get that. Nowadays guys are unwilling to wait or go slow in OLD. I told my roommate to keep shutting them down in these events and doing what makes her feel comfortable. I guess no one will get what they want then, and that's just life.

 

She'll do best meeting someone in real life either at a job where she sees them over and over or school or an activity.

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I honestly have trouble seeing how if you have two people like that, anything is ever supposed to happen. Because neither are about to make a move. By the time they do, it will be like they're siblings.

 

My best scenario for this type of thing to work harkens back to the pre-birth control days of making out but not having sex. So you turn the heat up but don't do anything you can't take back until it feels right.

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I honestly have trouble seeing how if you have two people like that, anything is ever supposed to happen. Because neither are about to make a move. By the time they do, it will be like they're siblings.

 

I agree, which is why I'm not attracted to guys like that.

 

However, some women are and obviously they want someone just like themselves, and vice versa, so everyone's happy. If they never do it then that's for them to figure out. *shrugs*

 

My best scenario for this type of thing to work harkens back to the pre-birth control days of making out but not having sex. So you turn the heat up but don't do anything you can't take back until it feels right.

 

Oh man, I would KILL for that....

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somanymistakes
I honestly have trouble seeing how if you have two people like that, anything is ever supposed to happen. Because neither are about to make a move. By the time they do, it will be like they're siblings.

 

Two people can hold a quiet torch for each other for a long time. Sometimes up until one of their mutual friends gets sick of it and shoves them both together and says "DATE ALREADY".

 

I mean, some married couples fall out of attraction and end up in a phase where they love each other but the idea of having sex with each other is repulsive to them, and others keep the passion going for decades. Relationships come in many flavors, the long time together doesn't always have the same effects.

 

If you're the kind of person who needs to build a slow emotional connection before you can even kiss, though, dating apps are probably a bad match for you, because the expectations will clash. I've had friends that I didn't notice were cute until after I knew them well enough to relax around them, but that's never going to work in the pressured dating environment!

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Oh man, I would KILL for that....

 

Women from the generation right before me often said the best sex they will have in their whole lifetime was their petting days, and not the honeymoon and what followed. Guys put some effort in trying to get somewhere, plus -- and this is a big one: Back then BJs were considered a step beyond intercourse, more intermediate, so unlike now, chaste sex was not all about the guy getting one BJ after another.

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It's because being in the friendzone happens when the other person has zero romantic interest in you. As in "I see you as a friend. I don't have romantic interest in you"

 

The chances of intimacy following after being told that "you're just a friend" is very low.

 

That's true more for women than men. Men are more likely to be just friends and want the sex.

 

Like others have said, usually one of the persons in the friendship isn't happy being just friends. To me a guy friend is interchangeable with a female friend.

 

Also, I differentiate between a friend and suitor/potential romantic interest. One lady said she was friends with her husband before they dated seriously, so their friendship was more of a prelude to romance.

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For me there are three separate things:

 

a) The "friendzone", meaning that you should "just be friends", but it's pretty much a lukewarm way of showing disinterest. That is pretty bad.

 

b) Then there are friends, true friends. Those are great, and there were a few women I hit on who were indeed interested in friendship. Those I don't mind.

 

c) Then there is romance.

 

All three remained separate as far as I have experienced it. The third option doesn't mean immediate sex, but a steady progression to something more. I have only been once able to turn romance into a true friendship, something more than a cordial contact after the relationship ended. I have tried to turn true friendship into romance, but that also didn't work out. Patterns had been established and I couldn't see her as more as a friend, as much as I tried.

 

But yeah, "friendzone" instead of friendship in the literal sense of the word is something bad, at least from my point of view.

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For me there are three separate things:

 

a) The "friendzone", meaning that you should "just be friends", but it's pretty much a lukewarm way of showing disinterest. That is pretty bad.

 

b) Then there are friends, true friends. Those are great, and there were a few women I hit on who were indeed interested in friendship. Those I don't mind.

 

I'm not seeing the difference between these two. a) you're saying you were interested but they were disinterested which was bad, then b) you're saying you were interested but they were disinterested which was okay.

 

Are you saying that you were willing to go into the friendzone in both cases but a) would not allow you to because they weren't really interested in being true friends?

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I do love romance. The steady progression into something more, as Cpt put it. The getting to know each other, the build up, the imagination, the looking forward to something..... all of that. It's gone nowadays. So sad.

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I do love romance. The steady progression into something more, as Cpt put it. The getting to know each other, the build up, the imagination, the looking forward to something..... all of that. It's gone nowadays. So sad.

 

join the club :sad:

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thefooloftheyear

Whether it's true or not, most guys will view it as if it was a friend first, then became a relationship- all that means is he was the fallback option....the pansy....the guy who she settled for once all the others blew her off or used her up and mistreated her....

 

Kind of like what Jenny did to Forrest Gump.....:laugh:

 

TFY

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