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Sexual Compatibility-How important is it? (Is loving someone enough?)


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Old 3rd February 2018, 10:41 AM   #16
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Love is not enough. Sexual compatibility is necessary. If there is a significant difference in sexual needs, it builds resentment and unhappiness. Many people do live with it, but are often miserable. You can love someone, but if they ignore you or mistreat you, will you be happy together?

Love was not enough in my first marriage, which was largely sexless. After years of trying to change things, my love for her died, and I left. I made sure to look for someone whom I could love and find highly compatible, and with whom I had great sexual compatibility as well. We have the best and happiest relationship of anyone we know because of it.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 12:27 PM   #17
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Do you all think older couples byond 60 are fretting about sex with each other.?
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Old 3rd February 2018, 12:33 PM   #18
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It clearly just depends on the people....

I am sure there are sexless(or limited sex) marriages where both parties are completely happy and are loving and devoted partners...And conversely there are people that are having sex fairly regularly, and can't stand each other....Sounds crazy, I know, but I know some people like this..

Some people value food, hobbies, and other activities far higher than sex...For them, its a complete non issue..

So whether it's important or not?.., just depends on the individuals...

TFY
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Old 3rd February 2018, 12:38 PM   #19
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If someone put the gun to my head and asked me to pick personality compatibility or sexual, I would go with personality. But really, I need both. I need to feel that I want to rip someone's clothes off type of attraction or I won't be happy long term.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 12:44 PM   #20
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It is very important, I'm late to the thread but GREAT sex does help make people fall in love.

I think of myself sometimes as a sex obsessed person (arent many guys?), even then. I sometimes have no choice but being on long dry spell of sex at all and compensate with masturbation.

Luckily, I'm not too bad looking, not too dumb and have minimal social skills. I can also hold a convo which, from times to times get me laid, and most importantly land me in relationships.

Ive been also lucky to have almost always been with women who enjoyed sex, a lot! Very few didn't.

As to keeping the passion last a bit, for a marriage or LTR, I dunno. Sex by and large has many variables, from BJ and missionary to kinky or BDSM stuffs. I'm sure you can try and explore new things so to never get bored.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 12:58 PM   #21
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For me there has to be sexual compatibility or I won't be able to form a relationship. Once a relationship develops shared life experiences over time will lead to a feeling of love and loyalty that would make me want to try to work through problems that arise.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 5:43 PM   #22
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Honestly I am having a hard time imagining a scenario where we couldn't have any form of sex at all... No oral, no manual stimulation? No mutual masturbation, no making out kissing, nothing?

I think it still would be important for us to desire each other that way. To give each other that wonderful feeling of being wanted, and having a partner that wants to bring you pleasure.

We also give each other massages, head rubs, foot rubs combined with tender kisses etc just about every day.

I say the glue that binds, because these are the things that make us lovers, not just "good friends".

Without it, I think neither of us would be content, and would be quite susceptible to the temptations of others if we didn't have it.
Thereís a million ways that sex can be casted out of a relationship in a second, especially as age goes up. It happened to me medically, before I was even 20...a married couple not to even think thatís a possibility is being a bit naive. Even in scenarios to where you can do those things but youíll never feel the physical satisfaction from it.


OP, itís important but if thatís the number one factor & something goes wrong with either person sexually, then what? My H & I had great sex life & still do but when I had severe medical issues it caused massive problems...we both ended up having A...bc of our age, everything was based on sex. When it was taken away, we struggled with learning that emotion & intimacy was NOT ONLY tied up with sex. Is sex part of it, of course! BUT one must find a person they can be with long term if sex isnít a option of it bc that part of someoneís life is not guaranteed & if you base a foundation around sex...youíre foundation is built on extremely shaky ground. Good luck
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Old 3rd February 2018, 5:48 PM   #23
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Do you all think older couples byond 60 are fretting about sex with each other.?
We certainly do. It's more challenging to feel spontaneous interest as hormone levels decrease with age, but we consciously work on it to maintain our great sex life.
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Old 4th February 2018, 2:54 PM   #24
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In the past Id say I'm willing to sacrifice some of the sex for love to a degree. Nowadays, I'm not as sure. There hasnt been much opportunity for a man to grow on me emotionally before sex is in the picture.

I could go without a steady sex life in a relationship depending on the circumstance. Honestly, if a man were not having sex with me, I'd think he was getting it elsewhere. I did have an almost sexless reltionship where i had to beg for it, but he was getting it elsewhere. If I were with a man with a legit problem having sex, that's more tolerable.

I casually dated a man who was celibate. We stopped talking for reasons other than sex. It as very refreshing, and also, there is no hiding behind sex appeal. Many people right now are dealing with someone they dislike for the sex.
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Old 6th February 2018, 12:06 AM   #25
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To the person who asked how we managed our medically imposed celibacy, we have talked about it, my H has spent too much time feeling so bad about it, of course we both miss our wonderful sex life, but, it isn't the foundation of our relationship. We still cuddle, kiss and are intimate, he just cannot 'have sex', but do we love? If we didn't we couldn't cope with it. When I am sick or when I had chemo, I didn't much feel like sex, but there were times I had never felt so loved.

It isn't the only way to express love, in fact there are so many times I don't know where he ends and I begin, we are deeply in love even after his A and my illness and our long time together. Of course there are times when I mourn our sex life, but it is the man I fell and stay in love with and it is what life has dealt us. I couldn't look elsewhere, anything other than making love with him would be just second best sex. I miss sex with him, not just sex. It depends on what you value, I value us, however that looks.
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Old 6th February 2018, 12:22 PM   #26
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To the person who asked how we managed our medically imposed celibacy, we have talked about it, my H has spent too much time feeling so bad about it, of course we both miss our wonderful sex life, but, it isn't the foundation of our relationship. We still cuddle, kiss and are intimate, he just cannot 'have sex', but do we love? If we didn't we couldn't cope with it. When I am sick or when I had chemo, I didn't much feel like sex, but there were times I had never felt so loved.

It isn't the only way to express love, in fact there are so many times I don't know where he ends and I begin, we are deeply in love even after his A and my illness and our long time together. Of course there are times when I mourn our sex life, but it is the man I fell and stay in love with and it is what life has dealt us. I couldn't look elsewhere, anything other than making love with him would be just second best sex. I miss sex with him, not just sex. It depends on what you value, I value us, however that looks.
I view the situation the same way you do.

This is just my opinion, but when I read from someone that they love their spouse/partner, but would be out the door quite quickly if the sex were to dry up for even a legitimate medical reason (not just because they made the unilateral decision they no longer wanted it...to me, that would be very different) , then I really wonder how much love was there in the first place.

Sex doesn't always equate love. There are couples who have a ton of sex, but their relationship is incredibly shallow and doesn't last. There are other couples who aren't able to have sex, and they are very intimately connected.

Each couple is different. Some can love very deeply, and do so even if they are unable to have sexual intimacy. They are intimate in other ways, and that works for them. For others, they go hand in hand and they can't have one without the other. To them, sex is a crucial part of a loving relationship, and without it, they will soon drift away. To me, neither of these views is wrong, and I really do believe that above all else, sex or not, the most important thing that the couple be able to talk to each other and communicate about this openly.
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Old 6th February 2018, 12:41 PM   #27
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I absolutely need a certain degree of sexual compatibility - I need to be able to enjoy sex with him, I need him to be the sort of man who prioritizes his lover's pleasure, and I need us to have a good amount of overlapping kinks/sexual preferences. This is non-negotiable.

That being said, I would also pick a person whom I had 90% sexual compatibility AND 90% compatibility in other areas with, over a person whom I had 95% sexual compatibility but insufficient compatibility in other areas. I don't need the person I am with to share 100% of my kinks - that would be unrealistic. As long as we have a good enough overlap to have lots of fun in bed, I'm good in that aspect.

I would certainly try to stay and work things out with the SO if there were a legitimate reason why we couldn't have sex. That is the risk that we take by making a lifelong commitment to each other, and to me, what we gain out of such a commitment is more than worth the risk. But I wouldn't have been with him if we hadn't been sexually compatible at the beginning. No sense dooming yourself to a sexually unsatisfying relationship when you're not even in one yet.
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Old 6th February 2018, 1:45 PM   #28
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How important of a role does sexual compatibility play in a relationship. Can love alone drive and maintain a LTR? What are your experiences around this issue?
Sexual compatibility has been an issue in my 2nd marriage. I never had that problem in my first marriage that lasted 10 years. Honestly, I do love my wife very much! The one issue in our marriage has been the frequency. We have been together for 5 years. Because I love her so much, I havenít been able to leave.

Her love for me is true and genuine. Something I didnít have in my first marriage. That is why I havenít been able to leave because of our love for each other. Maybe I just havenít hit my wall yet, I donít know? I know that her love for me is rare. I know that she will love me no matter what, which I didnít have in my first marriage and was not able to find between marriages.
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Old 6th February 2018, 2:18 PM   #29
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Thereís a million ways that sex can be casted out of a relationship in a second, especially as age goes up. It happened to me medically, before I was even 20...a married couple not to even think thatís a possibility is being a bit naive. Even in scenarios to where you can do those things but youíll never feel the physical satisfaction from it.


OP, itís important but if thatís the number one factor & something goes wrong with either person sexually, then what? My H & I had great sex life & still do but when I had severe medical issues it caused massive problems...we both ended up having A...bc of our age, everything was based on sex. When it was taken away, we struggled with learning that emotion & intimacy was NOT ONLY tied up with sex. Is sex part of it, of course! BUT one must find a person they can be with long term if sex isnít a option of it bc that part of someoneís life is not guaranteed & if you base a foundation around sex...youíre foundation is built on extremely shaky ground. Good luck
There is a difference between "everything based on sex" and placing importance on sex. My husband is also my best friend, but without physical intimacy, he would be my best friend, not my husband.

And for us at least it is NOT all about "physical satisfaction" its about the intimacy it creates.

Thats why I put an emphasis on the below, its not all about intercourse.

Quote:
I think it still would be important for us to desire each other that way. To give each other that wonderful feeling of being wanted, and having a partner that wants to bring you pleasure.

We also give each other massages, head rubs, foot rubs combined with tender kisses etc just about every day.
I don't see why the things I bolded above would be removed by a medical condition.

When I read stories about sexless marriages here, rarely do they include what I have lined out. To me, these things are part of sexual compatibility and intimacy.

TOUCH is my #1 love language. I love to touch and be touched. So much so that I have take an number of courses in massage etc. Being able to bring pleasure, and to even physically heal my partner with my hands feeds my soul.

If I had a partner who did not put such an emphasis on physical touch, we would indeed have a shaky foundation.
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Old 6th February 2018, 2:42 PM   #30
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I am single. I don't have sex unless I am in a dating situation. Or we are a couple.

I just can't have casual sex. I don't trust the women out there for that. I don't see any women like that who are into that anyways.

I really don't see the women around me as wanting and fretting about sex as a whole, and I have women friends.

The guys will talk about it more than the women. I don't like having a sexless life at the moment, but there is nothing I can do about it. Unless I see a hooker. A FWB does not jive in my head and is semi beneath me, unless its brought to me. I am not going to solict that style of relationship.

I do think that you need both in a romantic relationship to flurush. I know that I need both. I just don't need it everyday. Compatabliity is both in the couple have humour and similar ways of thinking. Opposite attracts don't work out for the most part.
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