Blaming the other person as an out of a relationship

[Eternal Sunshine]

I saw a few threads about this issue lately and have had my own recent experience with this.

 

Basically, a person wants out, typically 1-3 months into the relationship/dating. Rather than just give a vague generic excuse and moving on, they list the things other person did wrong as the reasons for ending it.

 

Example 1: A guy ghosted me (literally blocked me on everything) 6 weeks into an exclusive dating scenario. I managed to contact him from another account and tell him that what he did is not cool. He proceeds to write a novel long list of things I did wrong, going into every little detail (like giving him "silent treatment" after date 2 because I didn't respond to his text for a few hours), being insecure when he went out with a female friend and so on. Funny that he didn't ghost before sex (when most of those things happened). I actually took that at face value, apologized and asked him if he wants to talk...no response and he blocks my new account too.

 

Example 2: My friend (IRL) gets dumped after a couple of months because the guy is looking for someone with her s%it together and my friend doesn't fit the bill because she doesn't have a full time job and tends to procrastinate. She proceeds to get really down on herself. Couple of months later, he is in a relationship with a mentally ill girl who proceeds to get in and out of mental institutions and was even arrested. He stands by her.

 

Example 3: Recent thread on LS about a guy being "weirded out" by a calm, simple conversation about fading thus proceeds to do more fading.

 

Example 4: Another thread on LS by a guy who gets ignored and then dumped when asked what's up, she said she felt like "he didn't contact her enough". He apologizes only for her to not contact him again.

 

I am really curious how can people do this?

Do they enjoy hurting others and lowering their self-esteem?

Are they that obsessed with being seen as the "good guy" by some stranger who doesn't even have any social connections to them (in most cases)?

Are they somehow lying to themselves and inventing logical reasons for just "not feeling it"?

 

This really sucks as the other person ends up second-guessing themselves and questioning their own perceptions. Next time just text "I am sorry but I don't think I feel enough of a connection to proceed further. I had fun etc..." That's all you need to do. If they pester you afterwards, by all means block.

[Popsicle]

I hate this kind of thing too. My only answer is that people are weird as F.

[Cookiesandough]

I've noticed what you're talking about. I think you nailed it with them doing mental gymnastics to get out feeling like "the bad guy". I speculate a person who pulls this has gone further along with someone than a couple dates and led the person on big time with words and/or actions. They cannot excuse it by saying something trite "we aren't a match" because they probably said a bunch of crap like "I like you so much", slept with them, or more and now they don't know how to get out the situation so they cowardly block or when confronted they dig into any little thing they can grasp and gaslight the hell out the person to make it seem like losing interest out of the blue was justified on their part, acting like a douchnozzle in the process, but not seeing it because they are so far up their own...

 

Though the case with your guy was a bit different/too extreme. Something as seriously wrong with that guy. He sounds very angry

Edited January 28, 2018 by Cookiesandough

[primer]

My ex told me I could never do anything because I had to work. I would tell him that I had bills to pay.

 

 

Yeah? Did he have an issue because I was financially independent?

 

 

People are weird.

 

 

I am still confused on that one.

[greymatter]

I don't have any idea what it is. Sometimes I think a lot of them are so conflict avoidant that they make sh*t up to avoid saying whatever the real story is, which would be so much more respectful than disappearing, fading, or blaming. I just really don't know.

 

ES, I can't get over the guy blocking you just like that. I really hate the whole blocking thing. (I have never done it to anyone, it hasn't been necessary). It doesn't doesn't seem to be needed in most cases unless someone is harassing someone. He was even willing to talk through his reasons with you. It doesn't make sense to block you after that. The only reason I can think of is that he started dating someone new and didn't want her to see the messages.

[Chilli]

I hate this kind of thing too. My only answer is that people are weird as F.

 

 

haha nailed that one.

[basil67]

When it comes to giving reasons, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

 

If you give a generic "It's not you, it's me" or "I'm not feeling it", the dumpee frequently gets upset because they feel they deserve the real reason. But given the real reason, they will not agree with the dumper's perspective and get more upset.

[basil67]

My ex told me I could never do anything because I had to work. I would tell him that I had bills to pay.

 

 

Yeah? Did he have an issue because I was financially independent?

 

 

People are weird.

 

 

I am still confused on that one.

 

To me, that sounds like she felt your work/fun/rest balance wasn't great. I don't think it's weird at all.

[alphamale]

when I want out of a relationship I just ghost and go into NC

[Popsicle]

when I want out of a relationship I just ghost and go into NC

 

Telling them that you want to break up is best (and then you can go NC), but in the absence of that, fading is better than ghosting.

[alphamale]

Telling them that you want to break up is best

 

nah, that's to messy

[Popsicle]

nah, that's to messy

 

Just engineer an argument, then you can break up.

[Arieswoman]

ES

 

Next time just text "I am sorry but I don't think I feel enough of a connection to proceed further. I had fun etc..."

I don't actually agree with that ^^^ I think that breaking up by text is really tacky. However, I think it's better than just ghosting.

 

Anyone who can't end a relationship face-to-face is someone who isn't emotionally mature and probably conflict avoidant.

 

Blaming the other person shows their inability to address issues in the relationship at the time they arise. Instead they pretend it's all peachy while storing up resentment.Cheaters are particularly good at gaslighting and blaming the other party.They know they are doing wrong but don't want to admit that they do it because they are selfish, entitled, shallow whatever It's much easier to have a list of complaints about the other party to give them an excuse to behave as they do.

 

If these people refuse to own their own $h!£ and take responsibility for their tacky behaviour, then all they will do is take whatever issues they have forward into the next relationship and inflict them on someone else.

 

We can't control other peoples' behaviour, but if they behave badly then we should be glad they are out of our lives.

 

This isn't about us.

 

I think the important lesson to take from this is that the relationship may be broken but we aren't.

Edited January 29, 2018 by Arieswoman

[Eternal Sunshine]

I especially hate the blocking. It's unnecessary unless there is continuing harassment. I can only remember one other time I was blocked in all my years of dating. It was by a long term ex. After the break up, we kept arguing over text for months and it was unproductive to either of us. He said he was going to block me for a period of time because this was leading us nowhere..in that case I understood.

 

I am just going to treat ghosting/blocking guy as an outlier and not beat myself up over it anymore. I will never know the real story behind the odd behavior.

 

I also remember one thread by a girl whose bf blocked her after every argument and she had to repeatedly reach out from different accounts/numbers to make up. Some people are extremely conflict avoidant.

[snowboy91]

I am really curious how can people do this?

Do they enjoy hurting others and lowering their self-esteem?

Are they that obsessed with being seen as the "good guy" by some stranger who doesn't even have any social connections to them (in most cases)?

Are they somehow lying to themselves and inventing logical reasons for just "not feeling it"?

 

Probably more these two. Although I think it's more not wanting to be the bad guy than wanting to be the good guy. Most people don't want to destroy another's happiness, and relationships are a big and emotional part of that. They may find that logic (specific things wrong to blame) is easier to articulate than emotions and feelings toward others, or that it's a more concrete reason to justify to themselves than "I just don't want to be with this person long term".

[Whodatdog]

Lets face it, no one wants to say, or hear; I just dont like you that much for a relationship. Which is really what all these excuses mean. If someone loves you, none of those excuses will matter.

 

Have a little self respect. If someone is fading, or ghosting, or tells you its them not you, or tells you that you squeeze the toothpaste wrong.....they just arent that into you. Dont go chasing. Find someone who IS into you.

[SevenCity]

I’ve run the gambit of methods for breaking up with a woman from ghosting (in cases where I really dislike them), lying (as to not hurt their feelings if I do like them), slow fade (where I’ve stopped putting in effort), or just telling them it’s not gonna work (when things progress beyond a month).

 

Although I had plenty of ammunition to point out all the reasons why, I never have. I don’t think it does anything but hurt the person and cause an argument.

 

I wouldn’t say I’m conflict avoidant, but I sure run from drama.

[alphamale]

Just engineer an argument, then you can break up.

 

why bother when I can just disappear?

[Popsicle]

Revisit of something I posted a long time ago.

 

https://goo.gl/images/XX9fm4

 

https://estherperel.com/blog/relationship-accountability

 

Despite this, I feel that if you’ve only been talking for few days, up to a few weeks, or 3 or less dates (esp from online) and no sex, it’s perfectly ok to ghost someone. You owe them nothing.

Edited January 29, 2018 by Popsicle

[No_Go]

The blocking to me is completely disgusting behavior. I've never done it to anyone, to my knowledge nobody blocked me as well.

 

Fading is a sign of weakness. A meek non-confrontational personality, someone who doesn't know how to speak their mind. Another option: trying to leave a door open, e.g. if multi-dating and not sure for the chances with the prioritized prospect.

 

Blaming after a relationship is a dirty game. My long-term ex put ALL the blame on me besides catching him on dating site messaging 30+ women at time that he was asking me daily to get engaged by the end of the year. He was so convincing with the blames I was consoling him for 8-9 months (including you guessed sex) out of guilt. I now wonder why I was so naive.

 

Basically all scenarios suggest rotten personality of someone who makes you a favor by ghosting/fading/blaming/getting their *ss out of your way..

[alphamale]

Despite this, I feel that if you’ve only been talking for few days, up to a few weeks, or 3 or less dates (esp from online) and no sex, it’s perfectly ok to ghost someone. You owe them nothing.

 

I would say up to six months it's ok to ghost someone

[MaleIntuition]

I would say up to six months it's ok to ghost someone

 

What?

 

This from someone claiming to be a man? Only weak cowards ghost. How can this even be a discussion?

[alphamale]

What?

 

This from someone claiming to be a man? Only weak cowards ghost. How can this even be a discussion?

to me the no-ghosting period starts when you get engaged

[OneLov]

I saw a few threads about this issue lately and have had my own recent experience with this.

 

Basically, a person wants out, typically 1-3 months into the relationship/dating. Rather than just give a vague generic excuse and moving on, they list the things other person did wrong as the reasons for ending it.

 

Example 1: A guy ghosted me (literally blocked me on everything) 6 weeks into an exclusive dating scenario. I managed to contact him from another account and tell him that what he did is not cool. He proceeds to write a novel long list of things I did wrong, going into every little detail (like giving him "silent treatment" after date 2 because I didn't respond to his text for a few hours), being insecure when he went out with a female friend and so on. Funny that he didn't ghost before sex (when most of those things happened). I actually took that at face value, apologized and asked him if he wants to talk...no response and he blocks my new account too.

 

Example 2: My friend (IRL) gets dumped after a couple of months because the guy is looking for someone with her s%it together and my friend doesn't fit the bill because she doesn't have a full time job and tends to procrastinate. She proceeds to get really down on herself. Couple of months later, he is in a relationship with a mentally ill girl who proceeds to get in and out of mental institutions and was even arrested. He stands by her.

 

Example 3: Recent thread on LS about a guy being "weirded out" by a calm, simple conversation about fading thus proceeds to do more fading.

 

Example 4: Another thread on LS by a guy who gets ignored and then dumped when asked what's up, she said she felt like "he didn't contact her enough". He apologizes only for her to not contact him again.

 

I am really curious how can people do this?

Do they enjoy hurting others and lowering their self-esteem?

Are they that obsessed with being seen as the "good guy" by some stranger who doesn't even have any social connections to them (in most cases)?

Are they somehow lying to themselves and inventing logical reasons for just "not feeling it"?

 

This really sucks as the other person ends up second-guessing themselves and questioning their own perceptions. Next time just text "I am sorry but I don't think I feel enough of a connection to proceed further. I had fun etc..." That's all you need to do. If they pester you afterwards, by all means block.

 

 

Ask yourself these questions:

 

• Did you suggest you want or would could entertain a future with this person?
  
• Did you lead this person on to believe that you had feelings for them when in fact you may have been swept up in the excitement?
  
• Did you create a relationship with this person by texting, emailing, and/or calling every day or on a regular basis?
  
• Did you have sex with this person more than once and was there an expectation that this would happen again?
  
• Did you tell this person that you loved them?
  
• Did you share with this person things about you that you have only revealed to family and close friends?
  
• Did you ever, even once, whether expressly or implied, objectively hint that you and this person are in an exclusive relationship?
  

If you answered YES to at least one of the above, I believe you owe the person an explanation that it is over. To the extent of the explanation and the medium of the communication, I believe that is situationally dependent. I do not think you need to justify, provide a reason, or apologize for your decision to end the relationship. However, a clear message that you are done should be sent.

 

I think you are talking about providing yourself with a sense of closure. In these instances, the "why's" do not matter and only the "what's" are important to have closure. Basically, the only thing you need is to understand what the effect of the decision is and not why that person made that decision. Like you said, the only thing needed to be expressed is "I am sorry but I don't (wish) to proceed further."

 

Although, the reality is that it is almost never a good enough explanation for the other person. If it were sufficient, you would not have requested to talk about anything further with him. This leads us to to Basil's point--there's nothing anyone can say that will make it hurt less.

 

This is what I mean when I say the "why's" do not provide you anything useful. There is going to be no answer that will satisfy you if you take it personally. People want answers but often will not accept them, and it makes the person providing those answers feel like the "bad guy." Human nature kicks in, and we become defensive. We start start making up reasons to make ourselves feel less like the bad guy and to get off the hot seat. This only serves to obfuscate the situation and cause more doubt. So to avoid all this mess, some people just disappear.

 

I want to say I am not an advocate of ghosting unless no none of those above situations apply; I also understand why people do it and do not wish to hold it against them. So to answer why people choose to ghost and when cornered become defensive? To sum it up: It is much easier than bluntly saying:

[Vyliss]

It comes down to whether you have healthy self-esteem or not. If a guy starts to point out all of your flaws with intricate detail, the guy is a dick and clearly has a whole host of problems himself. Take the constructive parts from it, ignore the rest. Move on to next guy and with your life.

 

The fact someone would dwell on this shows a lack of self-esteem. Who cares what some guy who you barely know thinks about you?