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Eternal Sunshine

So I have accumulated a large number of "orbiter/acquaintances" over the years. None of these men are actually interested in a real relationship with me but ALL would love some sex. Some make consistently sexual jokes even if I don't reply but without fully crossing "the line". Some just initiate messages of small talk (I never contact any of them first and don't even respond half of the time). Some just contact me when their relationship isn't going well for some validation. I am not interested in them either so I am technically not getting hurt, just annoyed. I know that if I invited any of these men to my place tonight, they would jump at the chance (except some of the ones that are in a relationship).

 

For some reason that really bothers me. I haven't actually slept with most of them, but the fact that they would love FWB without having any real interest in me as a person is super depressing.

 

I am considering either blocking them or doing a milder version of the block and just never replying to them again.

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Cookiesandough

I block people who keep bugging me. No ragrets

Edited by Cookiesandough
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I block people who keep bugging me. No ragrets

 

Agreed, that's an easy problem to take care of, unless the OP gets some validation from it, too.

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I thought that’s the definition of an ex :D All my exes stuck around for a while with intent to get some, I’m pretty sure it’s not an uncommon behavior.

 

I won’t be too bothered - they don’t want relationship, so what? It’s just a pool of people to talk to, flirt with and if desired - have sex with.

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Why would you keep them around if they don't make you feel good? They are not necessary to your life just block them.

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For some reason that really bothers me. I haven't actually slept with most of them, but the fact that they would love FWB without having any real interest in me as a person is super depressing.

 

You're describing 99% of the single and uncommitted male population, any of whom would jump at said consensual arrangement. Is this a realization you're just coming to :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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When all they are is guys who want to have sex, you are perfectly free to tell them "no, thanks" anytime you want without worrying about their feelings or anything. It's nothing more than an arrangement.

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Eternal Sunshine

I don't keep them around. I don't see them or contact them :confused:

 

I just didn't block them from contacting me. I don't reply 50% of the time but then they pester me with "have I done something wrong?" and it feels rude not to reply.

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I don't keep them around. I don't see them or contact them :confused:

 

I just didn't block them from contacting me. I don't reply 50% of the time but then they pester me with "have I done something wrong?" and it feels rude not to reply.

 

But they aren't even friends! Asking have I done something wrong is a game to them as they know you're sensitive and will reply back. Block, and forget them.

 

Life is too short to have casual contact with people who don't bring happiness into your life. People who make you feel bad about yourself need to GO!

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I don't see them or contact them :confused:

...

I don't reply 50% of the time

I'm the one who is :confused: here. Can't you see you just contradicted yourself here? You don't contact them, but you reply 50% of the time? So you DO contact them 50% of the time.

 

The question is WHY do you contact them, because you must surely KNOW that contacting them will encourage them. So YOU are encouraging and accepting their behaviour and therefore YOU are keeping them around you, orbiting. WHY???

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I had quite a few guys like that built up over a three year period. Mine was a little different because I did have sex with all of them at some point and most of them on somewhat of an ongoing basis. They were all the guys I dated and liked a lot but not so much that I wanted an exclusive relationship with them. I assumed that none of them wanted that with me either, but several of them got a little crazy when I told them I had a boyfriend and didnt want to have sex anymore.

 

A couple tried to talk me into forgetting about the boyfriend and taking up with them instead. I don't think they wanted that in their heart of hearts, but I do think there were a couple that felt like they really lost something special and several more who cared in a way that went beyond just losing someone to ****. And truthfully, tho I am so happy to be with my bf and wouldn't go back, I kinda miss all that attention and also having people I could rely on that way. Anyway, my whole point is that I LOVED that part of being single. Those guys were a lot of fun and a nice support system for me and I really did and do care about them and they cared about me.

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Eternal Sunshine
I'm the one who is :confused: here. Can't you see you just contradicted yourself here? You don't contact them, but you reply 50% of the time? So you DO contact them 50% of the time.

 

The question is WHY do you contact them, because you must surely KNOW that contacting them will encourage them. So YOU are encouraging and accepting their behaviour and therefore YOU are keeping them around you, orbiting. WHY???

 

Because I am actually a decent, sensitive person who thinks that "blocking" someone is reserved for when they have done something very wrong rather than just being annoying.

 

Also, when I don't reply and people ask "if they did anything to offend me", I feel bad for them and reply. I don't contact them meant that I initiate zero contact with them. Zero. Ever.

 

Yes, I am still doing :confused:

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when I don't reply and people ask "if they did anything to offend me", I feel bad for them and reply.

And so the cycle continues.

 

You have a choice.

 

1) Continue the cycle.

 

2) Break it.

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I don't keep them around. I don't see them or contact them :confused:

 

I just didn't block them from contacting me. I don't reply 50% of the time but then they pester me with "have I done something wrong?" and it feels rude not to reply.

 

Not deleting and blocking IS keeping them around.

 

*have I done something wrong* is just manipulation to get your attention. These people have not been quality people in your life, they're 'nobodies' to you.

 

Block them so you won't know who tries to contact you and you are free of guilt.

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Because I am actually a decent, sensitive person who thinks that "blocking" someone is reserved for when they have done something very wrong rather than just being annoying.
No, you are not being decent and sensitive when you reply, you are being gullible.

 

Also, when I don't reply and people ask "if they did anything to offend me", I feel bad for them and reply. I don't contact them meant that I initiate zero contact with them. Zero. Ever.

 

You're a grown woman past the age of innocence, clean your phone.

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If you ever read a book about stalkers you'll learn very quickly that any type of communication is seen by them as an affirmation, a glimmer of hope. I'm not saying that these are stalkers, but somebody will have to be the one to end the conversation and refuse any attempts to rekindle it.

 

It doesn't matter if you block or not, you'll have to stop responding to them.

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I don't keep them around. I don't see them or contact them :confused:

 

I just didn't block them from contacting me. I don't reply 50% of the time but then they pester me with "have I done something wrong?" and it feels rude not to reply.

 

Lol,......I think OP does like the attention and validation

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I can completely relate. I periodically get contacted by what My fiancée and I call honeybees. She says I'm a honey pot and honey bees are expected. I don't usually shut them down until they become annoying. My fiancée will even sometimes write my responses to them. I tell myself that I respond because I am a nice person and don't want to be rude. But really? Is that the reason? No. It's because I like the flattery. It's great to know people want you. It's human. But it would be more humane to shut them down rather than allow them to string themselves on. By trying not to be mean, I am being even more mean to them.

 

If you really want to make them addicted to you, respond on a variable ratio schedule. Make whether you will respond or not unpredictable. Make the perceived reward of your response unpredictable too. Sometimes cold. Sometimes friendly. Basically turn yourself into the Casino of Eternal Sunshine Response.

 

But instead, shut these guys down early. You don't need a stalker.

 

 

I have a honeybee that I cannot get rid of now. I told her to back off. That lasted a day. I told her to go away. She said she would but then came back saying she lied. She will only go away if I'm mean to her. I was mean to her. She still didn't go away. She told me if I told her I did not want her she would walk away forever. I told her I don't want her. She said she doesn't believe me. I told her to go away and I blocked her. Avoiding her in person is not that easy at all since we are in the same social circle. Last time I saw her she played a song named obsession on the juke box and whispered to me she played it for me. She just won't quit. Now am I going to have to tarnish her image and tell others in the group what's going on so they can help me get rid of her? How's that for mean? It could have been avoided by shutting her down early on.

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BarbedFenceRider

the fact that SHE called out "orbiters" is funny. I thought it was just a PUA euphemism...

 

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=orbiter

 

Ah, the beta "friendzone" couch mover....lol

 

But seriously, you are looking for a serious relationship right? If you do find mr. right, what would be the reaction to having all these "orbiters" around you? Do you think you could be taken seriously as wanting a serious relationship?

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But seriously, you are looking for a serious relationship right? If you do find mr. right, what would be the reaction to having all these "orbiters" around you? Do you think you could be taken seriously as wanting a serious relationship?

 

Not everyone is so jealous that they can't handle that other people might be interested in their partner. Obviously Jj66's partner can hande it. Why couldn't OP's boyfriend/partner handle it?

 

Generally my boyfriend doesn't know about random texts I get. A guy texts me, I tell him I have a boyfriend, and that's that. I have no reason to report it to anyone. But early on I made the mistake of allowing bf to watch a short video on my phone. Got a text that could not have been more in his face or more revealing, with a pic (and this guy might have been the most objectively hot guy Ive been with and he pops up with a picture, gah!), "when am I gonna get in that ass again?" I was horrified. Boyfriend said, "wow, that's hot! Im gonna have to get bolder with my texts." We had a good laugh about it. He did ask me if I was going to see him, we hadn't had the talk yet, but I told him I wasnt interested. It wasn't a big deal. Oddly enough, he wasn't all butthurt that I wasn't faithful to him before we met. He's a grown up.

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I get the feeling, having read the original post and responses, that the OP gets some kind of boost, ego stroke, or something from the fact that these "orbiters" give her attention from time to time. You only respond 50 percent of the time? What helps you make that choice? When you're bored, or feeling lonely, or need an ego boost? Or just when you have the time?

 

OP, if it's distressing and upsetting and annoying to you to have these guys around, you can always ask them to leave you alone. If they don't, then you can block them. If they don't respect your wishes, then you shouldn't worry about whether you're polite to them or hurting their feelings.

 

If this bothers you, put a stop to it. If you don't, then chances are good that on some level you like it.

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