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Dominant women only attract submissive men?!


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LadyLuxinOz

Hey guys,

 

Alpha raised an interesting point in a previous post and I thought I'd start a new thread... My friends and I are all assertive women. We all have solid careers and are independant and love having a great time. And all of us are also single. We can never seem to find guys who are strong enough to handle us.

 

At first I thought this was the whole 'metrosexual' revolution and all guys had become pussys, but perhaps the strong men just don't want to date strong women?? This sucks!

 

I can't tell you how many times I've met a cool guy then dumped him 2 months down the track because he failed to turn things around and take control. I guess I am hoping that when we first meet he is entertained by my straightforwardness but is secretly holding the reigns. I am constantly surprised when I turn out to be the major decision maker. It's such a turn off!

 

I come across as strong but like most women I want to feel secure and protected and sometimes that means taking a back seat. Is there any way to find a guy willing to fill that strong role without having to put on the dumb act??

 

Any insights?

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Here's an analogy: when you run across a mountain lion in the woods, one of the best ways to get him to leave you alone is to act agressive. If you do that, he's a lot less likely to bother with you. Not that he has any doubt he could pick you apart like a grasshopper, he just doesn't need the hassle when there are deer and elk around who are more compliant and predictable.

 

If the lion was desperate or maybe not sure he could take down the graceful deer, he might have a try at you.

 

Your proud proclamation of how strong you are is the same thing. You're turning off the healthy lions and attracting the desperate ones. Maybe you wear your strength on your sleeve.

 

Example:

At first I thought this was the whole 'metrosexual' revolution and all guys had become pussys

Sure, sailor. All guys all at once became pussies. What was your excuse before the metrosexual thing?

 

Speaking for myself, I'm not interested in dating an alpha-woman.

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We can never seem to find guys who are strong enough to handle us.

 

I love it: women try to be "strong" like men, then wonder why they can't find men "strong enough" to "handle" them.

 

I'm sorry but this is the result of feminism having gone a bit too far. Newsflash: men want women to be like...well...women.

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I'm sorry but this is the result of feminism having gone a bit too far. Newsflash: men want women to be like...well...women.

 

But just because a woman is independent/strong, it doesn't mean they can't be feminine at the same time.

 

So what's wrong with a strong woman wanting a strong man and vice versa? Why doesn't that happen? I always thought that men in general just got scared off/intimidated by women who are too strong.

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Originally posted by sarah12

I always thought that men in general just got scared off/intimidated by women who are too strong.

 

I don't know about men in general. Speaking for myself, I don't mind a woman who is emotionally strong and sure of herself. And I appreciate some independence. I expect a woman to be strong like women are supposed to be strong classically, which is always attractive and is in many ways stronger than most men ever hope to be.

 

There's another type of "strong" woman who seems proud to be equal in every way to men, likes to challenge them, and kind of makes a big deal out of it. The kind who says "they all must be pussies because I can't find any who will stick around".

 

I don't find that strength intimidating, and it doesn't scare me off. I find it irritating, and it turns me off.

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InmannRoshi

Just like some guys can confuse being spineless as being "nice", I think sometimes women can confuse "strong" for domineering and unpleasant. A strong man doesn't want a new mother to tell him to eat his vegetables and put on his jammies.

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Ahh..thanks for clarifying things boys. And I don't think the OP meant any harm, she is just questioning what the deal is with strong men/women relationships.

 

My theory for independent/strong men and women in relationpships is that there's got to be a balance. I'm a confident, secure and independent individual, but I want a man who can keep me on my toes and shake me up a bit, and all the better if he makes me a little less confident and a little more dependent. I'd hope that I could do the same for him so that we could be on the same middle ground. There's no use in having a relationship between two people who stay strong/independent, because they would just pull away from each other in an attempt to hold onto their independence.

 

Anyways, to answer the OP, guys don't like it when you 'act dumb,' but perhaps you could take your straightforwardness down a notch when you first meet a guy. I suspect that your straighforward approach with men is some sort of subconscious self-defense mechanism that you use to protect your independence and strength as a woman.

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BrotherAaron
Originally posted by LadyLuxinOz

Hey guys,

 

Alpha raised an interesting point in a previous post and I thought I'd start a new thread... My friends and I are all assertive women. We all have solid careers and are independant and love having a great time. And all of us are also single. We can never seem to find guys who are strong enough to handle us.

 

At first I thought this was the whole 'metrosexual' revolution and all guys had become pussys, but perhaps the strong men just don't want to date strong women?? This sucks!

 

I'm sorry to say, I'm inclined to agree that you were close with the whole 'metrosexual revolution', although I don't honestly know much about that. I can say that hollywood does not teach men how to be strong. Watch romantic comedies - guys who act like those chumps in real life just scare the girl off (i.e. declaring love to a girl who has not yet said yes to a date. C'mon!). Maybe it's the increasing lack of a male role model. It seems that real men are in high demand.

 

I can't tell you how many times I've met a cool guy then dumped him 2 months down the track because he failed to turn things around and take control. I guess I am hoping that when we first meet he is entertained by my straightforwardness but is secretly holding the reigns. I am constantly surprised when I turn out to be the major decision maker. It's such a turn off!

 

That's fairly universal. You're simply saying that you need a man willing to take the reigns. Maybe you'd do well with older men ;) Once again, there seems to be a shortage of real men in your dating pool.

 

I come across as strong but like most women I want to feel secure and protected and sometimes that means taking a back seat. Is there any way to find a guy willing to fill that strong role without having to put on the dumb act??

 

Yes ;) I am more than willing, and I know my friends are similar to me in that sense (well... most of them are). My friends and I were just discussing this - it's very satisfying to find this girl who comes across as strong, therefore turning guys off (or turned off by weak guys), and to have her ga-ga eyed for you and willing to follow you off a cliff if you so desire. It's amazing how some of these hard-to-please 'independent' types will make a complete 180 when they find a man who can handle a woman. :cool:

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it's very satisfying to find this girl who comes across as strong, therefore turning guys off (or turned off by weak guys), and to have her ga-ga eyed for you and willing to follow you off a cliff if you so desire.

 

:sick:

 

What I hear here is a lot of control issues. Gross.

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Originally posted by LadyLuxinOz

Alpha raised an interesting point in a previous post

:laugh:

 

Any insights?

In the married couples I know usually if the wife is dominant she is married to a less dominant male.

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ReluctantRomeo
Originally posted by johan

Speaking for myself, I don't mind a woman who is emotionally strong and sure of herself. And I appreciate some independence.

 

There's another type of "strong" woman who seems proud to be equal in every way to men, likes to challenge them, and kind of makes a big deal out of it... I don't find that strength intimidating, and it doesn't scare me off. I find it irritating, and it turns me off.

 

Well, I wanted to say something wise, but johan has beaten me to it. He's right - there's a difference between someone who is naturally strong and comfortable in that strength and someone who is obsessed with presenting an image of strength. Definitely the same as with guys and niceness.

 

As an additional (or alternative) point, I read about a study recently about professional woman and romantic expectations. You'd think that since these women want to be men's equals at work, they would seek equals in romance. Not a bit of it - on average they expect a higher differential than women of a lower social class. In other words, unrealistic romantic expectations.

 

Finally, opposites attract, as Alpha just pointed out. You can't both be in charge.

 

 

Originally posted by moimeme

:sick:

 

What I hear here is a lot of control issues. Gross.

 

Ease up on BA, Moi. He's only about 12 and they don't teach these things in kindergarten :laugh:

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Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

As an additional (or alternative) point, I read about a study recently about professional woman and romantic expectations. You'd think that since these women want to be men's equals at work, they would seek equals in romance. Not a bit of it - on average they expect a higher differential than women of a lower social class. In other words, unrealistic romantic expectations.

this is so true R.R., one main reason why very successful women have trouble finding "decent" men is cause they want a man who is also their equal or higher. And there are not a lot of these men around. The few men who are very successful want a submissive 24 year old who looks like Paris Hilton and can suck the chrome off a bumper hitch. These types of men are not interested in 40 year old women who are their peers and will compete with them.

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Not only BA, RR. All this bunch of 'the MAN should take control because it's a MANLY MAN type MALE MACHO MASCULINE thing to do to be MANLY and take control' garbage. BA's not the only one.

 

How's about two equal partners - sometimes one supports the other and it doesn't matter which gender's doing what - each will need support sometimes and each will be the supporter sometimes. How's about two people who respect each other equally. Because I don't think that anybody who 'dominates' anybody else truly respects that person and love, IMHO, requires respect.

 

Now I suppose if somehow being 'dominated' floats your boat, go for it. It's not for me; I don't want to have a pet and I don't want to be someone's pet. yech.

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Originally posted by moimeme

How's about two equal partners - sometimes one supports the other and it doesn't matter which gender's doing what - each will need support sometimes and each will be the supporter sometimes. How's about two people who respect each other equally. Because I don't think that anybody who 'dominates' anybody else truly respects that person and love, IMHO, requires respect.

Well MOIMEME, once again you preach from your soap box which is located in some ideal and perfect universe where things should be a certain way.

 

Unfortuantely in the real universe I (and others) live in things are not ideal and it is imperfect. The fact is that in almost all relationships there is a dominant and a submissive partner. How can respect ever be totally equal in any relationship involving multiple people??? Look at the animal kingdom.

 

People are just like nations. There is a heirarchy and stratification and some dominate others and none are respected equally.

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Originally posted by LadyLuxinOz

Is there any way to find a guy willing to fill that strong role without having to put on the dumb act??

 

Any insights?

 

I believe that one needs to be comfortable in themselves first before they find someone else to be comfortable with. All these childish rules and game tactics that people want to saturate relationships with makes them far to complicated. If all these theories worked people wouldn't have so many problems in relationships!

 

My husband is an independent, confident, secure thirty-something man and I am an independent, confident, secure thirty-something woman and we have a pretty good relationship. We view each other as an equal and we value each other immensely - there is no need for high school competition and petty games.

 

I have never had a problem with dating and I've always maintained a very open and honest approach. If I was interested I said I was interested and if I wanted something I went after it. If it was unattainable then I changed my course and moved in a different direction. I've never experienced someone not wanting to date me because I was secure and confident in who I was. I find that rather attractive and have dated men that did as well.

 

Just be the person you want to be and people will be attracted to you for who you are. If they aren't, then it's nothing to be worried about. Some people are not compatible regardless of what type of person they are.

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I think the grumbling you hear from us men is the reaction to what we perceived in her message. Intended or not, she sorta came across as this macho woman, the kind of "modern" woman who feels like she has to compete with guys, and I'm sorry, that's not what most men are looking for.

 

In my experience, women want men to be men. All this stuff about the sensitive guy is baloney - I know because I (and a lot of other dudes like me) have tried it to no avail. Every time we show our feelings, get wimpy, get sappy, and otherwise wussified, it backfires. Women want strength, not some boy giving her flowers on the first date and getting all emotional thereafter.

 

And it goes both ways. Men want women to be women. We want femininity. We like strong women, and believe it or not a lot of guys aren't threatened by a career woman, but we don't want someone having a complex about not earning as much money as their boyfriend. We don't want someone challenging us all the time with bulls*** arguments over nothing just to see how we'll react (i.e. tests).

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I think the problem is just your perception. Every time I hear a girl spout off about how "strong" she is, it usually means she just has no respect for men and wants to do whatever she wants without considering the welbeing of her SO. My ex and her friends considered themselves "strong" women, but they were all liars and cheaters and had no respect for the guys they were with; well, the ones who had guys anyway.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with intimidation or submissiveness. Guys just don't want b!tchy girls. It's not attractive.

 

 

*edit: I also totally agree with amerikajin (just saw his post).

 

In a way you're screwed if you're a guy: If you don't show your feelings you're an insensitive pig. If you do show your feelings you're a pussy.

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Originally posted by tanbark813

In a way you're screwed if you're a guy: If you don't show your feelings you're an insensitive pig. If you do show your feelings you're a pussy.

 

Okay - and when women show their feelings and cry they're melodramatic and overly sensitive and if they don't show their feelings or cry they're cold-hearted and aloof.

 

Anything done in the extreme will be considered undesirable. It's the inability to act like a mature adult and express emotion that often gets you one of the ubiquitous gender labels.

 

No one wants a whining bitch - male or female, but I'm sure most people would like someone that is capable of expressing their emotions.

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Originally posted by Pocky

Okay - and when women show their feelings and cry they're melodramatic and overly sensitive and if they don't show their feelings or cry they're cold-hearted and aloof.

Personally i like it when a woman is overly emotional and sensitive and melodramatic because they are supposed to be like that.

 

It's very feminine. :)

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Theirs nothing better than to be in a relationship where both give great qualities to the relationship. Strong people need to be with strong minded people because if not they get bored.

 

A strong woman should be smart enough to know when to back down and let the man handle some problems, not because woman can't but because a man has to have certain responsibilities that woman can't take away. Now for a man to back down and say "ok my woman can deal with this" should be a relief and feel good he has a strong woman by his side, less stress for the both.

 

I believe men sometimes underestimate woman and that's where the problems come in, in my opinion :)

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Originally posted by tanbark813

I think the problem is just your perception. Every time I hear a girl spout off about how "strong" she is, it usually means she just has no respect for men and wants to do whatever she wants without considering the welbeing of her SO.

 

I found this out the hard way. Actually, I'm glad I did... I'm much better off now!

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In a way you're screwed if you're a guy: If you don't show your feelings you're an insensitive pig. If you do show your feelings you're a pussy.

 

You have a point but SOME woman feel that way not all. Their should be a balance of the two :)

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Originally posted by Opium

You have a point but SOME woman feel that way not all. Their should be a balance of the two :)

I agree there should be a balance OPIUM. But if a man has to be on one extreme for whatever reason it is best to be less emotional vs. more emotional.

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Originally posted by alphamale

I agree there should be a balance OPIUM. But if a man has to be on one extreme for whatever reason it is best to be less emotional vs. more emotional.

 

I agree, but the reason we think this way is because we think men are suppose to be these big macho men, when in reality they have feelings to and hurt just like woman. Sometimes they hurt more :o

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Originally posted by alphamale

I agree there should be a balance OPIUM. But if a man has to be on one extreme for whatever reason it is best to be less emotional vs. more emotional.

 

Amen.

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