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Women cheat for sex


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Old 2nd January 2018, 9:24 AM   #31
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I have heard more women in my social circles express a sort of fatigue with sex. Than a gung ho/ I am all in sex fest with their partners.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:38 AM   #32
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As I mentioned, I never made the first move on any of them. They came after me, not the other way around. So who was really "fair game"? They all had nice stable relationships they could rely on and I had nothing. I was emotionally vulnerable and they took advantage of that for their own sexual pleasure.

What sort of a person does that?
Good for you. You must be a looker. :-) I don't know what sort of women do that.

I *think* a woman in my social circle *might* have tried to have an affair with me a few years ago. I am not 100% sure but from what I recall of our conversations and idle talk, she *might* have been flirting with me. Either to just get a laugh out of me or maybe something else.

I didn't let it go anywhere because I may be a dumb male, but I am not a total idiot. Our kids go to the same school. She lives in the area and lo and behold, a few years after that event, our kids became very good friends and now we are all in a quasi same social circle because of the kids.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:00 PM   #33
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As I mentioned, I never made the first move on any of them. They came after me, not the other way around. So who was really "fair game"? They all had nice stable relationships they could rely on and I had nothing. I was emotionally vulnerable and they took advantage of that for their own sexual pleasure.

What sort of a person does that?
You do that yourself.

You assume these women are just cheating for sex, and you could be right. It could also be they are in a bad place emotionally.

If you want to find a woman you an really connect with, you may be setting unrealistic standards. I get the sense that when you describe yourself, you are;t bragging, you are simply relating the facts as you see them.

The problem is that the facts as you see them may not be what others see. They may well see a guy who is so emotionally shallow that they don't want to risk forming any sort of long term connection with him. That doesn't mean that's who you really are, it may just be their perception.

How about, instead of accepting the sexual advances and then kvetching about how no woman wants to form an emotional connect with you, you start looking at your own behvaior and see what you can do to change that. If a single woman shows an interest in you, get to know them before you run to the bedroom with them. Find out more about them and you might just find you meet a woman who may be different than you, but those differences compliment your personality and you can really connect.

Give it a chance. What do you have to lose? If you don't, and your "go to" is to have sex right away, then the responsibility for the fallout from that choice rests solely on your shoulders.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:33 PM   #34
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I was identified as "gifted" at the age of seven, meaning I'm in the top 2-3% of the general population intellectually. My Myers-Briggs personality type is INFJ, which is the rarest of all personality types.

Random people my whole life have told me I look like "a movie star", which puts me in an even smaller demographic. Add everything together and I'm a unicorn looking for another unicorn. I know that makes me sound like an ******* and I'm sorry for that. But it's lonely as ****.

There are some days I don't want to be alive anymore.
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As I mentioned, I never made the first move on any of them. They came after me, not the other way around. So who was really "fair game"? They all had nice stable relationships they could rely on and I had nothing. I was emotionally vulnerable and they took advantage of that for their own sexual pleasure.

What sort of a person does that?

Interesting additions that are relevant to the overall discussion. I figured you for a unicorn, because it's an extremely small percentage of men that women pursue in the way you describe. Consistent with evolutionary theory and studies about female sexuality that I posted about earlier (#12), women are intensely sexually motivated, but unlike men they're not just motivated by a need for any sex... their intense drive is activated by the possibility of obtaining superior genes.

I sometimes poke fun at women who post claiming that have trouble finding a man to have sex with. I remind them that any average woman could get laid a dozen times a day just hanging out in the grocery store parking lot. Their problem is that they can't find a man who triggers that intense, innate drive that they're itching to satisfy. They counter with, yea but who wants sex with someone that aren't even attracted to... well, the answer is average men who couldn't t get a glass of water in a whorehouse because women are so damn selective. Female selectivity is nature's genetic optimizer.

Your situation is much more akin to an attractive woman's than the average man's. I wonder if women want you for sex, but are hesitant to get emotionally involved because they realize that other women will always be throwing themselves at you, and the chances that you'd remain committed and monogamous are slim to none. I sometimes sense that about extremely attractive women... no way a woman like that would stay around longer than it takes to break a man's heart into a million pieces.

INFJ eh? I have some first hand experience with that type. My former girlfriend (who by all objective measures was out of my league) is INFJ. Of course it's hard for me to separate what features were the personality type and what was her individuality. She was anxious and depressed (although being treated w/ meds), and fundamentally insecure while covering it with a facade of grandiosity and superiority. Without going into it, she has trouble sustaining relationships. She broke my heart in a cruel, unusual, uncaring way (read the thread if interested).

I honestly don't think personality type is what keeps you from finding meaningful connection. INFJs typically connect easily and make sincere, loyal partners. Brené Brown theorizes that it's the vulnerability/worthiness problem that inhibits connection. Have you ever dealt with that issue? Have you ever been in therapy? In a nutshell, the issue is that unless we truly believe that we are lovable, worthy of being loved wholeheartedly, we will doubt people's motives, loyalty and expect to get burned. So we subconsciously create defensive strategies that hold others at arms length, avoid intimacy and connection to protect our heart and keep that vulnerability anxiety at bay.
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Old 7th January 2018, 6:10 PM   #35
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Brené Brown theorizes that it's the vulnerability/worthiness problem that inhibits connection. Have you ever dealt with that issue? Have you ever been in therapy? In a nutshell, the issue is that unless we truly believe that we are lovable, worthy of being loved wholeheartedly, we will doubt people's motives, loyalty and expect to get burned. So we subconsciously create defensive strategies that hold others at arms length, avoid intimacy and connection to protect our heart and keep that vulnerability anxiety at bay.
I remember being 12 years old and playing video games at my friend's house with him and his gf. Whenever he would leave the room she would start rubbing herself all over me, sexually. I would just sit there and let her do it, not reciprocating at all.

As a younger kid than that I was a frequent target of pedophiles (male/female, married or otherwise). I never told anyone about it, just let it happen and moved on.

No, I've never been in therapy. Sometimes I wonder though if things that happened to me as a child have influenced the way I experience romantic relationships as an adult. Who knows?
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Old 7th January 2018, 6:47 PM   #36
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I remember being 12 years old and playing video games at my friend's house with him and his gf. Whenever he would leave the room she would start rubbing herself all over me, sexually. I would just sit there and let her do it, not reciprocating at all.

As a younger kid than that I was a frequent target of pedophiles (male/female, married or otherwise). I never told anyone about it, just let it happen and moved on.

No, I've never been in therapy. Sometimes I wonder though if things that happened to me as a child have influenced the way I experience romantic relationships as an adult. Who knows?
Well what do you think?
As a child you "let" it all happen to you as you had no option and were no doubt scared and powerless to resist, and as an adult you apparently do the same. Maybe the level of fear is not quite the same but you apparently still cannot say no, when the situations you find yourself in are not the best, not even for yourself.
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Old 7th January 2018, 9:00 PM   #37
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I remember being 12 years old and playing video games at my friend's house with him and his gf. Whenever he would leave the room she would start rubbing herself all over me, sexually. I would just sit there and let her do it, not reciprocating at all.

As a younger kid than that I was a frequent target of pedophiles (male/female, married or otherwise). I never told anyone about it, just let it happen and moved on.

No, I've never been in therapy. Sometimes I wonder though if things that happened to me as a child have influenced the way I experience romantic relationships as an adult. Who knows?
Absolutely! It's inevitable. You said you were targeted by pedophiles, just let it happen and moved on. Are you saying that you were abused (multiple times) by pedophiles as a chid? That would certainly affect how you relate to people sexually as an adult. It sounds like to me that you have a long history of being objectified, targeted and used for sexual gratification because of your good looks... but maybe not ever accepted and loved for who you are as a person. That would manifest in much the same way it does for women who've had similar experiences... unable to trust, not believing in their worthiness, using sexuality to try and secure connection and always having it turn out badly (used, abused and abandoned all over again).

Does any of this ring true? How was your relationship with your parents? Did they love unconditionally? Were they supportive and affirming, or harsh and critical? Did they validate you as a whole person, or only for performance or appearance?

I'm just talking about typical patterns that I'm familiar with. I don't know you so can't really draw conclusions. But, if you think these are applicable then it certainly could be helpful to explore it in therapy (make sure it's a highly skilled therapist). But yea, your early experience shapes you in many ways, and sexuality is probably the most affected.
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Old 8th January 2018, 2:05 AM   #38
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Absolutely! It's inevitable. You said you were targeted by pedophiles, just let it happen and moved on. Are you saying that you were abused (multiple times) by pedophiles as a chid? That would certainly affect how you relate to people sexually as an adult. It sounds like to me that you have a long history of being objectified, targeted and used for sexual gratification because of your good looks... but maybe not ever accepted and loved for who you are as a person. That would manifest in much the same way it does for women who've had similar experiences... unable to trust, not believing in their worthiness, using sexuality to try and secure connection and always having it turn out badly (used, abused and abandoned all over again).
I wouldn't call what happened to me as a kid abuse, but definite inappropriate touching and attention since at least the age of 6. Female teachers at school touching me, friends' moms too, random creepy old dudes asking me out on "dates" when I was like 10 years old and younger. So ****ing gross.

Objectified? I never really thought about it like that but maybe. Once when I was 22 I exchanged numbers with a hot girl I met at a club one night. I was hoping she was gf material. She called me the next day and asked to go on a date. After I picked her up I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie, dinner, or dancing. Her choice. We happened to be driving by a motel and she pointed at it and said she wanted our date to be there. I was crushed. I satisfied her that night with sex but I never called her again. And she later wondered why. smh

Just one example of a lifelong theme.

As for those self-esteem issues you mentioned? Man, do I have those in spades.
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Old 8th January 2018, 4:22 AM   #39
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Well what do you think?
As a child you "let" it all happen to you as you had no option and were no doubt scared and powerless to resist, and as an adult you apparently do the same. Maybe the level of fear is not quite the same but you apparently still cannot say no, when the situations you find yourself in are not the best, not even for yourself.
Your analysis is painfully true.
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Old 8th January 2018, 10:32 AM   #40
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I wouldn't call what happened to me as a kid abuse, but definite inappropriate touching and attention since at least the age of 6. Female teachers at school touching me, friends' moms too, random creepy old dudes asking me out on "dates" when I was like 10 years old and younger. So ****ing gross.

Objectified? I never really thought about it like that but maybe. Once when I was 22 I exchanged numbers with a hot girl I met at a club one night. I was hoping she was gf material. She called me the next day and asked to go on a date. After I picked her up I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie, dinner, or dancing. Her choice. We happened to be driving by a motel and she pointed at it and said she wanted our date to be there. I was crushed. I satisfied her that night with sex but I never called her again. And she later wondered why. smh

Just one example of a lifelong theme.

As for those self-esteem issues you mentioned? Man, do I have those in spades.
It's strikes me that you have quite a bit of naiveté surrounding all of this. If adults were inappropriately touching you sexually as a prepubescent boy, that is abuse, and a pattern of that would certainly have impact on your emotional makeup as an adult. it's interesting that your recollection of teacher's and friends mom's touching as sexual; are you sure it wasn't innocent and affectionate on their end, but interpreted as sexual by you? Regardless, it's how you interpret it that affects you. What about the parental relationships that I asked about previously?

The story you relate about the girl you took on a date seems to be representative of your overall experience. I'm surprised that the women never seem to want a relationship. It's the opposite of what most men experience. The typical scenario is that women want to secure a relationship first and foremost, withholding sex until attachment is secured, knowing that men stay around for sex but may leave as soon as they get it if they're not yet attached.

Feeling unwanted except as a sexual object is bound to be a big deal... both cause and effect I'd say. I think you should get into therapy. And in the meantime, on a more practical level, use the female strategy in dating––deny sex until attachment is secured.
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Old 8th January 2018, 1:43 PM   #41
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OP: So I take what you said at face value and assume you are very good looking. Do you also have a more "beta" personality, as you seem to let the women take the lead in those scenarios you described?
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Old 8th January 2018, 1:50 PM   #42
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OP: So I take what you said at face value and assume you are very good looking. Do you also have a more "beta" personality, as you seem to let the women take the lead in those scenarios you described?
Read yesterday's update.
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Old 8th January 2018, 1:55 PM   #43
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Read yesterday's update.
I did before I wrote my post.
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Old 9th January 2018, 1:03 AM   #44
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OP: So I take what you said at face value and assume you are very good looking. Do you also have a more "beta" personality, as you seem to let the women take the lead in those scenarios you described?
My personality is such that I tend to put others' interests ahead of my own, sometimes to my own detriment. If that's the definition of "beta", then yes. If not, then no.
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Old 9th January 2018, 1:11 AM   #45
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What about the parental relationships that I asked about previously?
I grew up with only one parent (abandoned by the other as an infant). I'm sorry, but I don't see what that has to do with anything.
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