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falling in love and feeling insecure


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Old 30th December 2017, 6:01 AM   #1
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falling in love and feeling insecure

So the good news is that I'm falling in love and it's mostly sweet as hell. ☺

BUT boyfriend, I believe, is also falling in love and getting pretty insecure about it. I partly understand because I've been having little insecure moments here and there. Like there's an ex that he has talked about, someone who he's been broken up with for years who oddly was in the same profession as me, who I feel kind of scared of. Like, what if she's a lot like me but better at all of it. lol But I'm pretty good at seeing that stuff for what it is.

I think he's maybe not as good at seeing that stuff for what it is and also I think I present some extra challenges. The big one is that I've had a crazy sex life the past few years. I was married for 25 years and then after my marriage ended almost 3 1/2 years ago I just did pretty much whatever made me feel good and happy, and the upshot of that was many (Im guessing 100, possibly more) sex partners and some sexual experiences that most people think only happen in the movies (new boyfriend is mostly in awe of the sex clubs and sex parties and threesomes). Over the last year or so I have slowed down a lot. I think it's been a natural progression from full on crazy to being ready for a committed relationship.

The crazy dating and sex were necessary to get where I am. I don't regret any of it and I feel like I learned so much about people and myself and what's important to me. New guy thinks it's awesome and he's jealous that he hasn't had those kinds of experiences. He doesn't have any negative judgement about it. (I feel so lucky to have found him for a million reasons, but this acceptance and understanding is huge!) But it intimidates him.

He's freaked because he has only had 12 sex partners in his life and he's afraid he can't measure up to what I've seen. Truthfully, I have been with several real players who were very skilled. But the thing is, my new guy makes me feel better than any of them. Its no contest. I am shocked that someone who has as little experience as him could be as skilled. For a while in the beginning I thought he was lying about his past.

Anyway... I am wondering, is it possible to fall in love without this kind of insecurity? It's so hard to deal with and I know it has ruined whole days for him. I only want to be a source of good feelings for him! Its also made it hard at times to be as open as I'd like to be and just generally made communication rough.

And interestingly, it is nearly identical to my ex-h's feelings during the first couple of years we were together. Both of them kinda picked a guy at random to be freaked about. In ex's case it was someone Id never been involved with but half-heartedly thought was attractive and in new guy's case it is someone who I wouldn't go back to even if I'd never met new guy.

Even though I'm 48, new guy is basically my second boyfriend and I feel like it's so damned deja vu. So I'm wondering if this is just what its like to fall in love???

Last edited by grays; 30th December 2017 at 7:15 AM..
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:38 AM   #2
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I think the damage was done at the moment you shared your past sexual experience with him. Men don't want to know how many men you slept with and don't want to know some other guy was wilder in bed. Sure your new boyfriend may say he is open to share everything of your past but it's just an attempt at being 'modern' and it fails most of the time. I was single from age 38 to 48 and dated a lot, and lost count of men I slept with, I would never share that with my bf, especially when I am reading between the lines I don't think he had more than 2-3 partners in his life and he's 50 yo.

Oh, I want to point out, the best lover I ever had was a man getting out of a 20 year marriage and he only had been with his ex-wife. The number of partners means nothing in terms of quality in bed.

So that being said now you need to do some 'damange control'. Your boyfriend cannot un-hear what you told him but you'll need to rebuild his male-bedroom-self-esteem by telling him in all of the men you've been with you pick him, repeat he's an amazing lover and you'd be happy to have sex only with him for the rest of your life. Whether he's an amazing lover or not isn't important, he just needs to beleive he is, the male ego is made that way.
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Old 30th December 2017, 11:07 AM   #3
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I have told him all that stuff and it's true.

I really don't know if I could be in a relationship and not tell. He did ask. I had been avoiding discussing numbers or saying too much. But I think I'm happy I told him. It'll be terrible if he can't get past it. But I can't see myself pretending to be something else. If my partner can't except me that sounds too lonely.

If the damage is done and we are over I guess I have a pretty ****ty road ahead. I do wonder tho if this has more to do with who he is or the nature of falling in love than what he knows about me. I completely agree that he's had a hard pill to swallow, but I swear that my ex behaved exactly the same and he had no wild past to come to terms with.I

I guess I was hoping that y'all would tell me that this is just about falling in love. I think that might be the case because I've been feeling some similar stuff, tho it hasn't been overwhelming me. And I didn't think I had any jealousy in me.

I worry that it's a personality traits that I seem to fall for. It's possible that that's fine and we can work through it. But anything that reminds me of ex makes me a little nervous.
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Old 30th December 2017, 11:09 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
Whether he's an amazing lover or not isn't important, he just needs to beleive he is, the male ego is made that way.
This male ego is not comforted by your cynical generalization. There are worse insults to the man and the relationship than a white lie of this sort, cheating being high on that list. But shouldn't it be a higher priority, for both you and the OP, to treat the guy as an individual instead of playing the 'all men are like that' card? I suggest a lover's (either gender) better message to the SO is more like a sincere 'my past matters less than that you're the one that I want for my future'.
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Old 30th December 2017, 11:21 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by nospam99 View Post
This male ego is not comforted by your cynical generalization. There are worse insults to the man and the relationship than a white lie of this sort, cheating being high on that list. But shouldn't it be a higher priority, for both you and the OP, to treat the guy as an individual instead of playing the 'all men are like that' card? I suggest a lover's (either gender) better message to the SO is more like a sincere 'my past matters less than that you're the one that I want for my future'.
I agree. It may be hard for me to find someone who is okay with all of my story (if current guy isnt, and I hope, hope, hope he is) but whoever truly loves me, if that's possible, will be accepting of it. Otherwise I don't feel like it's real.

I have given him that message. I've been telling him that out of all of them, he's the only one I want to be with.
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Old 30th December 2017, 11:46 PM   #6
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id feel uncomfortable if the girl i was seeing had slept with over 100 guys lol
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Old 30th December 2017, 11:50 PM   #7
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id feel uncomfortable if the girl i was seeing had slept with over 100 guys lol
I think a lot of guys would. One of the million reasons that not any old guy off the street will make a good partner for me.
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