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Better to have loved and lost...


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Old 19th December 2017, 10:55 AM   #31
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I for one don't think it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.

The pain I endured (am enduring) a year and a half after my ex dumped me is something I do not care to repeat. It has taken an otherwise hopeful romantic guy and turned me into a shell of my former self.

If I could go back in time I would cancel our first date.

To me it's like asking if you would relather be blind from birth or lose your sight later in life. In the former situation you don't know what you are missing and you don't have to adjust to a new, suckier way of life.

The rub is that you don't completely get over the last one until you fall in love with someone else. Hence why many keep trying.

It's easy to say it was worth it if you are currently in love with someone else who loves you.
I agree for the most part.

Dumpers know this instinctively and simply jump from one person to another. Many do not allow themselves to bevome dingle. No wonder they are so optimistic about love. Its easy to be happy when you have control and people want you.
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Old 19th December 2017, 5:45 PM   #32
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Tbh , l still just dunno really wth to think about this stuff.
All l seem to feel most about ex w or now gf, is the ending.
lt'd be nice , well maybe it might be, dunno , if it was about the good times but you don't seem to be able to enjoy those anyway if it
ended , especially if it ended with pain..

So maybe it's not better to have loved because you seem to be mainly left with the grief.

l do feel sorry for so many people l see around though that have obviously never really known real love but eh , at least they could have then never really felt that kind of ending then either so lucky for them..

Last edited by Chilli; 19th December 2017 at 5:50 PM..
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Old 19th December 2017, 7:36 PM   #33
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Tbh , l still just dunno really wth to think about this stuff.
All l seem to feel most about ex w or now gf, is the ending.
lt'd be nice , well maybe it might be, dunno , if it was about the good times but you don't seem to be able to enjoy those anyway if it
ended , especially if it ended with pain..

So maybe it's not better to have loved because you seem to be mainly left with the grief.

l do feel sorry for so many people l see around though that have obviously never really known real love but eh , at least they could have then never really felt that kind of ending then either so lucky for them..
I can relate. The ending part is very salient for me. Usually i an left for another woman which makes me feel even worse.

Love is given and then taken away.
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Old 24th December 2017, 7:15 PM   #34
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You are not done learning from it. Bitter and jaded need to turn into experience and wisdom. It takes time. I remember it took me 3 years to get over a 4 year relationship. When I was in the middle of it I certainly did not see how one day it would benefit me. Now a few years later I identify that break up as a pivotal moment in my life where It made me, almost forced me to become self aware to a higher level.
I can only hope you are right. However, as much as Iíve leanred from past relationships the knowledge was not worth the pain. All it had done is make me realize when I hear ďI love youĒ, ďI would never leave youĒ, etc it is all BS. Time and time again Iím proven correct in my assumption.

I donít think I could ever love and trust a woman like I did with my ex. I REALLY thought she was different and it was the first (and only) time in my life I went into a relationship with an open heart. I severely doubt that will ever happen again.

Itís made me lose faith in women in general which is why I donít trust them.

The next big thing Iím looking forward to is when my time is up. Sadly, I fear that may be 15 years or so.
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Old 24th December 2017, 11:20 PM   #35
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@hotpotato and SevenCity

Yes, being dumped and being left in pieces is the worst feeling. I have had issues with self love and negative thoughts, but being discarded has put me in a dept and pain of disappear I never felt before being "in love". I haven't found a new love so my heart is still in pain a year and a half later.

If I am honest, I wish to have never loved at all.
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Old 25th December 2017, 12:18 AM   #36
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@hotpotato and SevenCity

Yes, being dumped and being left in pieces is the worst feeling. I have had issues with self love and negative thoughts, but being discarded has put me in a dept and pain of disappear I never felt before being "in love". I haven't found a new love so my heart is still in pain a year and a half later.

If I am honest, I wish to have never loved at all.
You and I are both on the same timeline as it’s been just as long for me.

I think the difference is I have dated a lot and had several mini relationships in that time and still came up empty. The only conclusion I can draw is that it’s no longer in the cards for me.

People say you should go in with no expectations. I take it one step further and dread going on dates. Either one of two things will happen 1) she won’t be interested or 2) I’ll end up having sex with her for a few months until she annoys me to the point it’s not worth it.

Edit: 3) or I’m not interested

Sucks.

Last edited by SevenCity; 25th December 2017 at 12:26 AM..
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Old 25th December 2017, 7:21 AM   #37
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In my mind l might sorta call it a waste , but l don't really mean it was a waste.
l just don't know.
The waste part for me is that maybe l spent all those years yet it didn't work so l've lost those years. And maybe if they were with someone else instead then it wouldn't of ended and so l didn't lose those years,,, or something like that.

But lreally just don't know if 19yrs with my ex wife, 10 to 15 of them were almost stuff most only dream about , so was l lucky , l went through so much when it ended,worst thing in my life, so l don't know.

And my gf after , that we've now split up, again l feel so so lucky to have lived and had and received what we had, again in my life, it was even more dream than earlier yrs with ex w and almost l feel my reward for going through what l did in my divorce,
But we also had some shyt and so again now l pay.

So , l really still just do not know.
l'm the partner kind, l've always had a partner since l was 15 16. it's the life l'm suited to and when l'm by far most happiest but its' also given me by far the most grief in life too.
Go figure eh.
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Old 25th December 2017, 1:23 PM   #38
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In my mind l might sorta call it a waste , but l don't really mean it was a waste.
l just don't know.
The waste part for me is that maybe l spent all those years yet it didn't work so l've lost those years. And maybe if they were with someone else instead then it wouldn't of ended and so l didn't lose those years,,, or something like that.

But lreally just don't know if 19yrs with my ex wife, 10 to 15 of them were almost stuff most only dream about , so was l lucky , l went through so much when it ended,worst thing in my life, so l don't know.

And my gf after , that we've now split up, again l feel so so lucky to have lived and had and received what we had, again in my life, it was even more dream than earlier yrs with ex w and almost l feel my reward for going through what l did in my divorce,
But we also had some shyt and so again now l pay.

So , l really still just do not know.
l'm the partner kind, l've always had a partner since l was 15 16. it's the life l'm suited to and when l'm by far most happiest but its' also given me by far the most grief in life too.
Go figure eh.




Same boat here. Iíve always been with someone myself and this is the longest stretch Iíve ever been single, sans a few OLD mini RLs.

Those ending didnít hurt at all - mostly a relief. In speaking with my therapist, she feels humans are meant to be with someone and feels my pain will not end until I find someone I like more.

Personally I hope to be able to change that paradigm and be just as happy alone. There are benefits I must admit to being single. Like today I would be subjected to my exes family and making my uncomfortable small talk. Instead Iím watching tv with my dog on my lap.

Itís gotten easier as this is holiday season #2 without my ex. Iím hoping third times a charm.
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Old 26th December 2017, 1:38 AM   #39
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Yeah right.
Well l was alone 3yrs after divorce , can't count that though l just needed it , but there was afew casuals. l'm not into casual though.

l wanted to marry my gf ,but we were long distance and it was really hard to figure out , costs and immigration and who moves and where do we ive and all. But l couldn't believe the gods let us find each other and after both our divorces , just couldn't believe it , she was more tha l could dream for, fkg time of my life.
But she had some stuff too, l'm still not sure. Or maybe it's just that l let her down , l'm not sure. She gave us so much , put in so much.
Thing is though,l can only manage what l can though right now after divorce, l'm starting again . Soif it wa sthat then l really just couldn't help it.

Last edited by Chilli; 26th December 2017 at 1:43 AM..
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Old 26th December 2017, 5:17 AM   #40
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Interesting. You may be right that it's usually dumpers who say this.

I've been on both sides and it definitely feels a lot worse when you're the dumpee.
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Old 26th December 2017, 5:26 AM   #41
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@hotpotato and SevenCity

Yes, being dumped and being left in pieces is the worst feeling. I have had issues with self love and negative thoughts, but being discarded has put me in a dept and pain of disappear I never felt before being "in love". I haven't found a new love so my heart is still in pain a year and a half later.

If I am honest, I wish to have never loved at all.
lol you guys are amateurs.

Time heals this.

I'm serious...TIME. So much time passes that the pain subsides

I've been single for over 10 years, save a couple of 1 year relationships. Ten years. I am very used to being single. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad anymore either. Just there.

The only other person on this forum who I can think of who's been single for a long time and used to it is Carhill. We all know someone in our lives who is single and content and has been single for so long that you don't even expect them to be with someone ever again. I think that's me.
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Old 26th December 2017, 5:49 AM   #42
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lol you guys are amateurs.

Time heals this.

I'm serious...TIME. So much time passes that the pain subsides

I've been single for over 10 years, save a couple of 1 year relationships. Ten years. I am very used to being single. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad anymore either. Just there.

The only other person on this forum who I can think of who's been single for a long time and used to it is Carhill. We all know someone in our lives who is single and content and has been single for so long that you don't even expect them to be with someone ever again. I think that's me.

Popsicle, I aspire to be you!! Seriously. To be single and not be at the whims and mercy of another person.
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Old 26th December 2017, 5:53 AM   #43
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Popsicle, I aspire to be you!! Seriously. To be single and not be at the whims and mercy of another person.
The freedom is one of the best parts.
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:04 AM   #44
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The freedom is one of the best parts.

I was driving yesterday. Imagining that. Imagining how it would feel to feel good and not because I was in love, or about another person, but just because... life was good. I want that so much I can taste it.

And yet at the moment, I feel like I'm in hell.
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Old 26th December 2017, 7:08 AM   #45
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I was driving yesterday. Imagining that. Imagining how it would feel to feel good and not because I was in love, or about another person, but just because... life was good. I want that so much I can taste it.

And yet at the moment, I feel like I'm in hell.
You'll get there.
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