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Better to have loved and lost...


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Old 1st December 2017, 5:32 AM   #16
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Difficult to say. A lot of people who say it is, are in love now. They may have loved others in the past and lost them, but they found another to love. Their past seems worth it because it led them to where they are. Would they still think it worth it if they were in love and loved by no-one?

For me, your risk question is worth contemplating. I rarely fall for anyone. I find it difficult to form romantic relationships. But when I do, I fall hard. It feels like they will always have a small piece of my heart and I will always love them to some degree, no matter what. Which means when it ends, I feel a crushing sense of loss for a long time. I find it very difficult to get over and sometimes I wonder if I ever will fully get over it (2 and a half years on).

To have truly been in love is a joy to look back on. A friend said to me recently, she had never seen me so happy, my work improved and my outlook on life improved, just because I was in love. But it is now tinged with sadness because it's gone and may never happen for me again. Before it all, I was curious but not that bothered. I mean, I was quite happy alone, how good could it be?? Now I know, I crave it more than I ever did before. So in that way, it is worse.

I can't honestly say I wish I'd never felt it (although sometimes I do say that!). But now the question is, can I do it again with the risk of losing it and going through the pain again? I want to, but I get scared and anxious. I feel like I barely survived the pain and I never want to go through it again. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it again. I put up barriers to protect myself, but that makes it unlikely to find someone and increases my loneliness and insulation. I try to push myself, but I balk and my mind goes into overdrive on the risks.

So in answer, sorry, I don't know haha!
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Old 1st December 2017, 6:40 AM   #17
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For me. I am thinking that desiring a romantic relationship is toxic. I just don't get it. For me. Its like I am getting tired of meeting women that are attached. The ones that are single are scare. I never meet women where I am on the same wave length.

Then again. When I make friendships. Its a meeting of the minds. I don't know why the contrast is so vast.

More later...
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Old 1st December 2017, 8:32 AM   #18
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Yeah l agree the future and the risk , l do wonder why any sane person would ever wanna risk those feelings again.
Sometimes l think l'd have to be crazy.
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Old 1st December 2017, 12:33 PM   #19
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I have lost people I love very deeply,..if I had it to do over again, I would.

I would definitely rather love and lose then never love at all.

We have a short time on this plane of existence, tomorrow is not here and yesterday is gone.

I may chose sparingly who I love but no question, I love and am a better human for it.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 2:49 AM   #20
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I have lost people I love very deeply,..if I had it to do over again, I would.

I would definitely rather love and lose then never love at all.

We have a short time on this plane of existence, tomorrow is not here and yesterday is gone.

I may chose sparingly who I love but no question, I love and am a better human for it.
I agree with you wholeheartedly Timshel.

Speaking of purely the romantic dimension, I've had three great loves in my life thus far, and a smattering of minor transient ones. And I'm privileged and better for having known every single one. Each of them helped me become more of who I am today.

Has it been without pain? Of course not. But as my therapist is fond of saying, pain is inevitable in life... but suffering isn't. Pain, just like joy or any other emotion is transitory. And on balance, IME, relationships generally (barring the dysfunctional) involve more of the latter. A painful ending should not, indeed cannot, cancel out all the good unless you allow it.

The fabric of life is richer for all its experiences and emotions. That's what gives it depth and meaning.

It frustrates me to read on here, or hear from a gf, that someone feels they 'wasted' years (or some other metric of time) on a relationship. If there were meaningful experiences, if it helped you grow, it wasn't wasted. Just because something ends or changes doesn't make it a waste of time.

I'm firmly in the camp of it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Because IME what you gain by loving is so much greater in magnitude.

Last edited by SolG; 2nd December 2017 at 2:58 AM..
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Old 7th December 2017, 3:57 AM   #21
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Yeah l agree the future and the risk , l do wonder why any sane person would ever wanna risk those feelings again.
Sometimes l think l'd have to be crazy.
I do think they must be crazy, but looking at the posts, most people are a mix of dumper and dumpee. I dont think its the same as being the dumpee constantly. Sure in a few of my situations, i couldve left, but it still hurt being left for other women. Im the one trying to work things out.

I feel i am reaching the point where more harm is done than good.
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Old 7th December 2017, 6:18 AM   #22
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These are my raw thoughts on a romantic relationship.

This is what I feel I want and deserve.

A single childless woman that is late 30's. Romantically attracted to me and does the legwork towards me to see if we are a great fit.

Physical look-Fit and natural looking, makes herself up to look pretty by dressing up.

Height I like short girls, but I guess it does not matter.

Ethnicity-White/Black/Asian/Latino.

Loves going out to dinner/Movies/Walks/Working Out/Music. Not a Homebody.

Has a great relationship with family/friends.

Very affectionate/warm/playful towards me and desires me that way.

Introspective and loves to talk. Strives for goodness, supports my Sprituality.

Really wants to explore a Romantic LTR and gives us space as well.

Open to marriage down the road. More like Yr 3.

I think what I want is realistic and attainable. How it will happen. I have to pray and be open and also,not be on such a hunt for it. For some reason. it does not work for me when I make the effort. Or there are a lot of women attached for some reason.
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Old 7th December 2017, 8:31 AM   #23
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I had my heart broken, badly, by my ex. I'm an a mess still, months later.

But I'm trying not to be bitter. We had a good, good love. And mostly I think, love is not wrong.

I don't regret loving him. I'm sad it didn't work but our love made us better people, for a while. It was a bigger and better thing than we were/are individually.

I hope that when I'm not sad anymore, when the pain eases a bit, that I can still be positive about it and him. It will be my last relationship, so I want to continue to be idealistic about it and him.
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Old 7th December 2017, 9:25 AM   #24
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I for one don't think it's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.

The pain I endured (am enduring) a year and a half after my ex dumped me is something I do not care to repeat. It has taken an otherwise hopeful romantic guy and turned me into a shell of my former self.

If I could go back in time I would cancel our first date.

To me it's like asking if you would relather be blind from birth or lose your sight later in life. In the former situation you don't know what you are missing and you don't have to adjust to a new, suckier way of life.

The rub is that you don't completely get over the last one until you fall in love with someone else. Hence why many keep trying.

It's easy to say it was worth it if you are currently in love with someone else who loves you.
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Old 7th December 2017, 11:57 AM   #25
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The rub is that you don't completely get over the last one until you fall in love with someone else. Hence why many keep trying.


While I agree, that for a lot of people, this is true. I don't think it has to be.

I think real pain, pain that lingers, shows how deeply you loved. And I really don't think that is a waste.

Hell while you're going through it. As I am at the moment. But love can't be bad.
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Old 7th December 2017, 1:50 PM   #26
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While I agree, that for a lot of people, this is true. I don't think it has to be.

I think real pain, pain that lingers, shows how deeply you loved. And I really don't think that is a waste.

Hell while you're going through it. As I am at the moment. But love can't be bad.
I've yet to see how this type of pain has improved my life. Instead it's made me bitter and jaded.

Sure I've made some improvements as a result but nothing that would make any of it worth it.
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Old 7th December 2017, 2:11 PM   #27
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I have loved, and hurt, I've dumped and was dumped, I lost everything twice and rebuild myself each time and because of that I feel *I have lived*.

Hurting is part of life, it makes you learn and grow. I would not want to be in an aseptisized life where I only know joy and happiness. How could I fully appreciate happiness without having known sadness and pain? What kind of superficial human being would I be if I had never experienced pain and rejection?

The secret of surviving pain is to recognize our role in it and then let it go.

When I am old and on my dying bed I want to look back and think of how much I have loved, I will remember all my lovers and how I did my best, I took chances and I didn't spend my life standing aside in fear of getting *hurt*.

I don't know how I am wired but I have never feared being hurt. It's something fixable! it's something that heels and then rewards you.
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Old 7th December 2017, 2:13 PM   #28
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I've yet to see how this type of pain has improved my life. Instead it's made me bitter and jaded.

Sure I've made some improvements as a result but nothing that would make any of it worth it.
I can relate. I dont feel like the relationships have made me better, only more cautious. More anxiety.

I almost stood up my latest ex on our first date. If i had, i wouldnt know the difference as far as the good times.

Being dumped so much hasnt made me a better future girlfriend. None of the guys i dated would tell me what i was doing wrong in the moment. They would simply go on to other women. None of them were ever like"i wish you would do this/be more like this." Yet i could do that for them and give them chances and benefits of the doubt.
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Old 7th December 2017, 2:17 PM   #29
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I've yet to see how this type of pain has improved my life. Instead it's made me bitter and jaded.
You are not done learning from it. Bitter and jaded need to turn into experience and wisdom. It takes time. I remember it took me 3 years to get over a 4 year relationship. When I was in the middle of it I certainly did not see how one day it would benefit me. Now a few years later I identify that break up as a pivotal moment in my life where It made me, almost forced me to become self aware to a higher level.
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Old 19th December 2017, 10:52 AM   #30
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Maybe im too sensitive about dating. No one seems to have advice for me aside from just get over it. Im sensitive and also get dumped a lot. Not a good combo. I dont know anyone else who gets dumped pretty much everytime they date.

I feel like i could stay single for at least 5 years with no problem. When i dont date, im a lot happier. Being dumped makes me miserable.
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