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Too shocked to think of what to say...


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I have a male friend, we met 7 years ago, he's 54.

 

He met his current girlfriend 5 years ago she's around 50.

 

They don't live together but it's a fully commited relationship with both their lives entwined with teenagers, family, friends and all that stuff.

 

This morning he called me early and ask for a moment. He said: I am in love with another woman. I met her one month ago. We are crazy about each other.

 

I fell off my chair in total disbeleif. They were like the perfect couple you look up to.

 

He said he thinks he fell out of love with his gf 2 years ago but he doesn't know how or why. How can you not know how you fell out of love?

 

He's looking for advice and I need you guys to inspire me because all I am thinking about is smacking him behind the head.

 

All I am thinking about is we, people, think we're in a great relationship, our bf says he loves us, we feel happy, we travel and enjoy life together and one morning POOF, gone!! no warning!!

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Well, you don't know that there's "no warning," do you? How well do you know the female half of this couple?

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I have known both for 5 years. My friend has never complained about anything to me concerning their relationship except for minors things like we all experience at a point.

 

He said to me nothing is wrong with his current gf and he feels like a fraud toward her.

 

He said he thought this was the life he wanted but he thinks now it's not.

 

I think he's making a huge mistake.

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It sounds like he has the potential to cheat :/

 

If he fell out of love with the first girl, for whatever reason, it might be best for him to end it with her. I don't see any other way to it, since that other woman doesn't sound like a little crush (if he used the word "love"). And he probably is making a huge mistake, like you think, but his lying to the current girlfriend is not fair to her.

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If he was my friend, I would tell him that what he's thinking/feeling is probably stupid infatuation, and he should seriously consider his life with his current gf.

 

And if after serious consideration, he wants to do something with that other girl, he needs to end things with girl 1 because it just isn't right to cheat. Overall, it is his life and his decision, though I would recommend the first option and stopping whatever kind of contact is going on with the other girl.

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Yeah I'd agree. They aren't living together and aren't married. I'd be supportive with whatever he decides, except for cheating. Relationships end all the time. Encourage him to end his with integrity.

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It is common for people with whom you feel you are close not to divulge every detail, feelings he/she may have day to day. On the surface, great, but there certainly are details in any relationship that you will not be privy to no matter how close you are.

 

I agree with others. If your friend is in 'love' with this new woman then he needs to know what his immediate options are. End it with the new person or end it with his long term gf.

 

He just met this woman a month ago and he's in love. Ask him if it's not euphoria from the newness of the relationship. It is clear that has been cheating on his current gf. Ask him if he's honestly examine this new and exciting adventure and objectively concluded that it is love.

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I've known a few couples this has happened to Gaeta (some were married) who chugged along in their relationships (to all intents and purposes they appeared happy) UNTIL they met someone else. This was the catalyst which prompted them to leave.

 

Regardless of how this new interest pans out, it's best to end it with his girlfriend in view of what he's revealed to you about their relationship.

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I told him it's not love but infatuation.

 

He told me there is no sex between them as she is non-sexual.

 

He said he feels a connection with new girl and he feels he knows more about her in a month than he knows about his gf of 5 years. Which is a total non-sense. He's infatuated and totally blind. After 1 month he knows nothing of this new woman. It's all a trick of the brain.

 

My friend is 20 years sober and he met her at an AA meeting, she is a new member, 1 MONTH sober. She will cause his fall.

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I told him it's not love but infatuation.

 

He told me there is no sex between them as she is non-sexual.

 

He said he feels a connection with new girl and he feels he knows more about her in a month than he knows about his gf of 5 years. Which is a total non-sense. He's infatuated and totally blind. After 1 month he knows nothing of this new woman. It's all a trick of the brain.

 

My friend is 20 years sober and he met her at an AA meeting, she is a new member, 1 MONTH sober. She will cause his fall.

 

This sounds like something deeper is going on. How does one claim that he knows this woman of 1-month more than his partner of 5-years?

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This sounds like something deeper is going on. How does one claim that he knows this woman of 1-month more than his partner of 5-years?

 

I thought it was a crazy thing to say and now that I think about it I think he feels a connection with the new girl because they both suffer from alcoholism. They both ruined half their life to it, I have a feeling that's what they are connecting over! He keeps telling me how they connect and know so much about each other.

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I thought it was a crazy thing to say and now that I think about it I think he feels a connection with the new girl because they both suffer from alcoholism. They both ruined half their life to it, I have a feeling that's what they are connecting over! He keeps telling me how they connect and know so much about each other.

 

Kindred spirits. I'd put my money on this!

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This sounds like something deeper is going on. How does one claim that he knows this woman of 1-month more than his partner of 5-years?

 

This is it. I would be honest, I would tell him that I think this is a HUGE, life changing mistake. But, there's nothing else you can do.

 

You just never know what's really going on with someone, or what is happening in a relationship behind closed doors...

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I thought it was a crazy thing to say and now that I think about it I think he feels a connection with the new girl because they both suffer from alcoholism. They both ruined half their life to it, I have a feeling that's what they are connecting over! He keeps telling me how they connect and know so much about each other.

 

Clearly, it's not a healthy connection. For her - they usually advise recovering alcoholics not to make any life changes or get into any new relationships for one year. HE must know this, if he's been sober for 5 years.

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Wow! He's going to do what he's going to do, I guess. The grass is always greener. He's fallen into the humdrum of normal life with his current GF with responsibility and parenthood, and along comes someone new and exciting. Maybe it's a catalyst for realizing he hasn't been happy with his GF for quite some time and it's time to part ways, or maybe it's just the excitement and infatuation of the newness that he doesn't have with the current GF anymore.

 

You can't be "in love" after one month. After two months or three, when the typical honeymoon phase wears off, he may not really like this new woman as much as he feels he does now. We don't know.

 

He should know better about getting involved with this woman as well. One month sober...don't they have to wait at least a year? I think he really does need to think about his current GF and really reflect...can they do anything to spark things up or is it really dead? If it's not working out, it's not working out, but jumping from one long-term relationship into a fling and leaving over it is not the best way to go about it, and I do agree that the circumstances with alcohol could become a problem, given this new woman is brand new to sobriety.

 

I don't know. It's not good. I think all you can do is be supportive, but maybe point out some sensibility as it relates to his long-time GF, shaky ground with the new woman, etc. You're friends with both of these people, right? I think you may also want to not be put in the middle of this. It depends on your relationship with the two of them. I mean, if he's primarily your friend, not her, that's one thing, but if you're good friends with both, you're in a precarious place.

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Despite dating for 5 years they have never progressed to moving in together, he says he has not felt anything for about 2 years and now he sees a way out, a new woman...

 

He needs to split up ASAP with his gf and then he needs to take a huge step back.

 

I guess he is grabbing onto the first person to give him any attention since he started looking around again and unfortunately she is an asexual, newly sober alcoholic...

 

He needs to be made aware of the unsuitability of this person, but if she is indeed the only person to give him any recent romantic encouragement then he will be loathe to give her up.

He may be adopting a KISA role, and that may feel good too. As an alcoholic he has had to accept that he is the problem, the one who needs help, he may have ended up resenting his gf for that.

Now HE can be the "saviour".

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Clearly, it's not a healthy connection. For her - they usually advise recovering alcoholics not to make any life changes or get into any new relationships for one year. HE must know this, if he's been sober for 5 years.

 

My friend has been sober for 20 + years close to 25 I think.

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Despite dating for 5 years they have never progressed to moving in together, he says he has not felt anything for about 2 years and now he sees a way out, a new woman...

 

He needs to split up ASAP with his gf and then he needs to take a huge step back.

 

I guess he is grabbing onto the first person to give him any attention since he started looking around again and unfortunately she is an asexual, newly sober alcoholic...

 

He needs to be made aware of the unsuitability of this person, but if she is indeed the only person to give him any recent romantic encouragement then he will be loathe to give her up.

He may be adopting a KISA role, and that may feel good too. As an alcoholic he has had to accept that he is the problem, the one who needs help, he may have ended up resenting his gf for that.

Now HE can be the "saviour".

 

There are many elements I can use in this thank you. I spoke to him again last night and he told me he needs to do a lot of thinking. I am not sure he's telling the truth when he says he lost his feelings for his gf 2 years ago. The honeymoon phase may have ended 2 years ago but that's not falling out of love.

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He feels the sobriety connection.. not love...

 

I can meet an Alcoholic for the first time and know they are one before they tell me.. at least most of the time that is..

 

We have a connection of sorts, the way we carry ourselves, the way we speak of our past etc etc etc..

 

At 25 years sober he should be 12th stepping this person not trying to get in her pants.

 

Her sobriety legs are shaky and he will undo any chance she has at remaining sober if he try's to have a relationship with her this early in her sobriety.

 

He needs to mentor her not use her.

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as for the GF, if he treats the new girl like someone trying to get sober and helps her maybe he will fall back into his relationship with the GF..

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thefooloftheyear
I told him it's not love but infatuation.

He told me there is no sex between them as she is non-sexual.

 

 

 

That's aHUGE issue...Enormous.....Unless he's lying(and I highly doubt he is) they don't have a storybook romance you think they do...They don't have much, really...from a romantic relationship perspective...

 

This new woman twists his knobs..Period.....He's at the stage of life where snoozing loses...Wish him well and that's that...I don't see why you think you need to counsel or have some type of intervention...

 

A similar situation came to my attention with a buddy of mine that I have known for 25 years...He has way more to lose than this guy, but the situation is similar...It's unfortunate I suppose, but its not really my place to start telling him what he should do or that its a mistake....If it winds up being a mistake its his problem and I am sure he weighed the consequences and pro's and con's thoroughly...That's what most guys do...They don't necessarily share it with their circle, though...

 

TFY

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Clinical studies have shown that prolonged (alcohol) abuse causes irreversible damage to the nerves in the penis, which results in alcohol-induced erectile dysfunction.

 

Maybe the fact she is asexual may be a bonus to him.

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thefooloftheyear
Maybe the fact she is asexual may be a bonus to him.

 

 

She said he's been sober for the last 25 years...Probably not the issue...And the fact that the OP knows about it, means it's not a "bonus"...

 

But even if he couldn't get it up, perhaps he wants more than an asexual "being" around him at this point in his life..Most people would, no??

 

TFY

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