Help - my wife wants an open marriage

[hurt1970]

I need help please.

 

I am a 34 year old man. I have been with my wife for nine years - married for the last five. When I married her, she had very traditonal values. We had a lot in common - both somewhat shy, both non drinkers and non smokers - very respectful - spiritual rather than religious ,ethically proper and commited to one another. We've always been very honest with each other as well. Our physical intimate life started off rather pedestrian - very unadventurous but slowly grew as we did into something wilder and special - however we remained monogamous. One time my wife got very jealous when I told her I had visited a strip club with friends and was very hurt by it. I promised her I would not go to one again. This was about three years ago.

 

My wife has since had some revelations and has changed. Long story short - she suggested to me that we consider an "open marriage". Apparently at work a fellow she was attracted to hit on her and she was flattered, so much so that it brought forth an idea she said she'd had on her mind for about a year now ... the idea that society puts too much emphasis on sex and that if we can have our needs met by someone else other than our partner that we should go ahead and do it. She said she would have no problem with me being with other women if I felt it was right.

 

I CANNOT sleep or eat. I am in agony. I love her so much and respect what she has to say but this hit me like a ton of bricks. I have no interest in being with anyone other than my wife EVER. I told her I would consider it and try and be a litle more evolved in my thinking but I don't think i can. The thought of my wife being with another man makes me ill.

 

My wife argues I am being possesive and territorial. She is being great about this , by the way, she is simply expressing her feelings and being honest with me - and given the situaltion I couldn't ask for more. My wife is prone to quite analytical and is a real thinker and we have considered this is just a phase she's going through. But what if it isn't?

 

I want her to be happy and I don't want to supress her in any way. But I don't think I could deal with her being with other guys.

 

Please help - thank you in advance.

[chaos70]

I never got the concept of "open" marriage, though I had a friend who did have one...and had a live in girlfriend for both him and her. Personally, I see too many things that can cause problems in it. And when they decided to have a child...that ended the open marriage back to normal style.

 

I say voice your concerns as well. Don't know if you can come to a compromise or some sort of ground rules where the open marriage could go...but I still marriage is a sacred bond between two people.

[Sal Paradise]

How dare she accuse you of being possesive and territorial

 

She is being a selfish *****. How dare she try to make you feel guilty for wanting her to be with you and only you. More than likely she has already cheated on you. I see no way for this end but in divorce. She is basically telling you that you're not enough. She wants her cake and to eat it to. She wants the friendship and security you give her with the benefits of sex on the side. Don't do it, she doesn't love you. She is just scared to be without her security blanket. Leave this ungrateful woman before its too late.

 

If you have kids this situation is even worse.

 

I feel really bad for you but this marriage is doomed.

[lindya]

. My wife is prone to quite analytical and is a real thinker

 

Which is a great thing to be, provided she can combine that tendency with a bit of common sense and emotional intelligence.

 

This is a theory that, you say, she's been tossing around in her head for the past year. Using her powers of thought and analysis, she has sculpted that theory into a form which has now been unveiled to your good self. "Here you are darling. The new model for our marriage. Isn't it wonderful? Don't you think it would just be so unevolved and bourgeoise to disagree?"

 

Maybe you could gently suggest to your wife that you view your marriage as a partnership. Something that's just a little too sacred to be subject to whichever intellectual theory best suits her mood and purpose this month. There's certainly no law that says you have to give her the all-clear for a guilt-free fling, and I hope you won't let her brainwash you into thinking otherwise.

[aares]

You are MARRIED...just because you dont want her to go mess around with other guys, that makes you possessive?? This...idea or concept that other people can meet the needs of another perosn IMO, is bull****. Anyone can meet the needs of someone else...that doesnt mean that the person should go ahead and do it, especially if that person is married.

 

You do not have to "evolve" your thinking...you simply dont want her to be with another man, and that is completely resonable and mature. I think the same way as you in this particular situation. Is she talking about messing around while still being married to you, or is she thinking about something else? Personally, I would take her to counseling to try and undtarstand what the hell she is thinking. I second chaos...marriage is a bond between a man and a woman...not carrying out your sexual fantasies with another man or another woman while still being married.

[Mr Spock]

You need to express that this would be a deal breaker in terms of your marriage. And quickly. Don't make her feel bad for wanting one, just make sure she knows that it's unacceptable to you (people have different ways of thinking....) and if it's meant to work out she'll understand and drop the subject.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't think she's interested in an open marriage, so much as she is in having a 'security blanket' marriage in which she gets to go out and have sex with whomever she likes. An open marriage isn't just about "ending the sex with the husband and f*cking outside of the marriage while using the husband for everything else" - it sounds like that is her primary interest, and her inability to accept that its a mutual decision made by both partners suggests that she has only her own self-interests in mind here. Definitely not an open marriage. That's more of a 'closed marriage' with an infidelity loophole. Open marriages don't help crisis in a marriage, nor will it make a bad marriage better. Only a strong, healthy understanding between two completely honest partners would be able to hold the weight of an open marriage. It sounds like her idea is to fix her unhappiness in the marriage by making it ok for her to cheat on you.

 

She will need to know that under no circumstances are you interested in an open marriage, and if she insists then you will be forced to end the marriage - then you will be free to find someone with whom you can share your happiness with monogamously, and she can be free to find others to share her happiness with in a polyamorous fashion (though I'm quite sure if she found a man with whom she was happy with sexually and emotionally, she wouldn't be so keen on an 'open marriage' then).

 

Neither of you is wrong in your thinking, but your conclusions are definitely wrong for each other - it may do well to consider some marriage counseling - not to change one of you or the other, or 'fix things', but to help you two say the things to each other that need to be said - so that you can see if there is something that can be fixed in your relationship. Then you'll be able to determine if her interest in 'open marriage' was genuine, or just a reaction to her perceived unhappiness. It will be do well to determine that before you move forward with her.

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

I - it sounds like that is her primary interest, and her inability to accept that its a mutual decision made by both partners suggests that she has only her own self-interests in mind here. Definitely not an open marriage. That's more of a 'closed marriage' with an infidelity loophole. Open marriages don't help crisis in a marriage, nor will it make a bad marriage better. Only a strong, healthy understanding between two completely honest partners would be able to hold the weight of an open marriage. It sounds like her idea is to fix her unhappiness in the marriage by making it ok for her to cheat on you.

 

She will need to know that under no circumstances are you interested in an open marriage, and if she insists then you will be forced to end the marriage - then you will be free to find someone with whom you can share your happiness with monogamously, and she can be free to find others to share her happiness with in a polyamorous fashion (though I'm quite sure if she found a man with whom she was happy with sexually and emotionally, she wouldn't be so keen on an 'open marriage' then).

 

I agree 100% LB. She only decided she wants an "open marriage" when it is something "she" wants to do. Don't stand for it. Tell her it's a deal breaker. If she does this the marriage is over. Be strong and I would even question if she has been faithful up to this point. IS she trying different things in bed that she hasn't done previously? Her thinking has changed radically and something sparked it. Keep you eyes and ears peeled for other signs that she just might already be involved in an " open marriage".

 

 

Sorry...

[Merin]

Long story short.. My EXH decided he wanted an Open Marriage, with a twist.. he wanted me to have sex with his friends.. I told him I wasn't all about it or down for it and this would be a deal breaker.. he decided we should stay married and he do what he wished because in his mind I was being selfish.. I decided he was right, an open marriage would be good.. so I made it so open it was like we weren't married anymore because we're not, I divorced him.

 

There isn't any point in being married IMO if your spouse is going to be dating/seeing/screwing other people. It's disrespectful and IMO isn't going to work out...

 

As a few others have suggested, talk to your wife and let her know this isn't okay with you, this is a deal breaker and see where the both of you want to go from there.

 

Good Luck

[reservoirdog1]

You need to express that this would be a deal breaker in terms of your marriage. And quickly. Don't make her feel bad for wanting one, just make sure she knows that it's unacceptable to you (people have different ways of thinking....) and if it's meant to work out she'll understand and drop the subject.

 

I agree with Spock completely. You don't have to phrase it in terms of "you're not allowed to do that." You simply need to tell her that you will not accept what she's suggesting as a component of any marriage you're a part of, because it's not what you're about. And if that's a problem for her, then maybe you're not the right partner for her.

 

However nicely, firmly, or angrily you phrase it, just know in advance that it WILL piss her off. She WILL try to paint this as YOUR problem, not hers, tell you that you're being controlling, that you're being small-minded, or old-fashioned, or any of a number of supposed shortcomings. And if she starts making noises about wanting out of the marriage, watch for her to blame it on you and those same alleged shortcomings.

 

Whatever you do, DON'T fall for it. Do not allow yourself to go on the defensive. You're not the one who has to justify his position: yours is rock solid, and it's based on the marriage vows you swore to each other. You don't even need to get angry. Just be firm, and tell her that it's not somethign you're okay with in your marriage, full stop.

 

After that, I suggest you watch her like a hawk. Because it sounds like she'll go pursuing sex with other men whether you want her to or not; she was just hoping to get your blessing before she did it.

[seahorse]

I can't believe I just read what you said. I am not a believer in any faith, but when you make promises of love and fidelity to one another, in front of whoever etc, you have made promises and they are not to be broken. This was the dealbreaker in my marriage, my husband was unfaithful and I divorced him. I see those sort of promises as being black or white, no shades of grey.

 

She is thinking about breaking her promises to you and you are being accused of being territorial? This will be all on her terms, and you will be compromising your marriage bigtime if you let her go ahead. Think about what you really really want.

[SoleMate]

After that, I suggest you watch her like a hawk. Because it sounds like she'll go pursuing sex with other men whether you want her to or not; she was just hoping to get your blessing before she did it.

Yup, I am afraid many "open marriage requests" really mean, "I want a free pass to be sexual with someone I just met."

[hurt1970]

Thanks very much for all of your advice. You've all made me feel a lot better about the situation and myself.

 

I discussed the situation with my wife and we agree this is just the way she feels and that she is being upfront and honest about it with me. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she has not yet acted upon her desires.

 

We are seeking counselling as per many of your's advice. We are going to try and work through this. Hopefully things will work out and if not then at least it wasn't for lack of trying.

 

Once again, thank you all for taking the time to write to me. It's much appreciated.

 

Yours truly

 

Hurt 1970

[lilmoma1973]

Hey hurt1970,

I would tell her she took vows to promise to be faithful to you and only you.. So if she is wanting a open marriage you want a divorce.. I don't agree with this and i know to eachs own.. When you marry someone it is suppose to be with one person and one person only!! I would tell her she is the one being selfish and she doesn't need to be married and you find someone that wants only you and not everyone else!! Good luck

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by hurt1970

My wife has since had some revelations and has changed. Long story short - she suggested to me that we consider an "open marriage". Apparently at work a fellow she was attracted to hit on her and she was flattered, so much so that it brought forth an idea she said she'd had on her mind for about a year now ... the idea that society puts too much emphasis on sex and that if we can have our needs met by someone else other than our partner that we should go ahead and do it. She said she would have no problem with me being with other women if I felt it was right.

 

Set your boundary now: "NO!" is the only acceptable answer. Tell her if she does anything to jeapordize the marriage, you will walk.

 

What you need to do is talk to her and spice up the marriage. It's perfectly normal to have a lull sexually and she wants a spark, a fire. Shoot man, role play. Do something! Talk to her.

 

I CANNOT sleep or eat. I am in agony. I love her so much and respect what she has to say but this hit me like a ton of bricks. I have no interest in being with anyone other than my wife EVER. I told her I would consider it and try and be a litle more evolved in my thinking but I don't think i can. The thought of my wife being with another man makes me ill.

 

Why should you respect what she has to say when what she is saying is and of itself DISRESPECTFUL to you and your marriage?! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN, MAN!!!

 

My wife argues I am being possesive and territorial.

 

BULLCHIPS! Your wife is looking for an excuse to go screw someone else. That is totally against the covenant she took when she married you. NO NO NO is the answer. NEVER!!!

 

She is being great about this , by the way, she is simply expressing her feelings and being honest with me -

 

No, what's she's being is honest about wanting to cheat on you. While that's commendable that she's letting you know, I don't think you're going to stop her unless you threaten to walk out on her if she does....and mean it.

 

and given the situaltion I couldn't ask for more.

 

BULL HOCKEY!! You can ask her to think of some alternatives that won't involve anyone but you two. She's not thinking very hard....

 

My wife is prone to quite analytical and is a real thinker and we have considered this is just a phase she's going through. But what if it isn't?

 

Might not be but you need to:

 

a. Figure out how to spice up your sex life.

b. Draw the boundary and don't let her cross it. If she does, the repercussions must be severe.

c. Communicate on WHY she feels she needs to bone someone else.

 

I want her to be happy

 

WTH?! What about YOUR happiness?!

 

and I don't want to supress her in any way. But I don't think I could deal with her being with other guys.

 

What the heck is wrong with her sticking to her vows? If she wants some spice in your sex life, you both need to figure a way to find it that doesn't involve her sleeping with other men.

 

Please help - thank you in advance.

 

You have the power to control the outcome. Set the boundary: "At no point will I ever accept you sleeping with other men. If you do, this marriage is over..." and mean it.

[Busty]

I do happen to be in an open marriage...wait, don't start throwing the stones now...

 

The big difference in your scenario and ours is that we sat down, had a discussion, and came to the terms MUTUALLY. We both decided that, because we are not jealous people, and also because we recognize that we are going to find other people attractive, that neither of us has a problem with the other acting on this desire. (Before you all get the wrong idea, this does NOT happen often...we're not "swingers", or anything like that. This is very infrequent. Not that I feel the need to justify...just to clarify.)

 

Is it something that makes us forward thinkers? Hell no, it makes us two people who happen to think the same way. We love each other desperately, and have been together for a decade. The doom and gloom of open marriages that I see in this thread are a tad over-exaggerated.

 

HOWEVER - you are saying no, and in any marriage with clear and open communication, no should mean NO, and it should be respected. When you got married, this isn't what you expected. You have every right to say that this is not the lifestyle you want with your wife.

 

Your traditional marriage is very important to you, I see that, and you shouldn't have to compromise that. And that's coming from someone who's IN one of those crazy open marriages. It's not for everyone, and it CERTAINLY isn't for a couple when one side is staunchly against it. It will not work.

 

I hope she reads these posts, I really do. I hope she understands how much you love her. It's evident in everything you've said. I hope that's enough to get her thinking about the both of you again, rather than only HER needs.

 

-T.

[Feralguy]

You are being dumped. In fact, in her mind you have already been dumped.

Decide how to get out of the marriage before she surprises you with the divorce papers. What are you waiting for? She's through with you. What a bitch.